Glimmer Darkly
by Rochelle Allison
Summary: She loses him almost as soon as she finds him... but things aren't always what they seem. Will Bella follow her heart down the rabbit hole? AU-ish.
1. unAlone

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic, for always coming to my aid. always. 3_

_and now for something a little different... from me._

* * *

Sometimes I wonder if I'm losing my mind.

It's weird and quite possibly insane, but tonight I feel…_exposed_.

I should have worn something heavier, warmer—not pajamas, and certainly not flip flops. It's wet, chilly, and the consistent _thwack thwack _of my shoes on the pavement is obnoxious against the nighttime hush. I wrap my arms tightly around myself, fisting my keys so they don't jangle so harshly.

The narrow concrete path goes on forever, meandering darkly through shadows before reemerging in to artificial light, courtesy of the lamps Charlie installed a few summers ago. This footpath is what connects the guesthouse to the mailboxes out by the main road, and I know its curves and spider web cracks better than the back of my hand. I've wandered it every day of every summer since I was six and, now that I'm living here full time again, I'll walk it even more.

My nightly sojourn to the mailboxes used to be leisurely, but these days things are…different.

Subtle but certain, it's back...this creepy feeling. It's the feeling of turning out the light and walking down the hall and just _knowing_ something's there in the dark. The woods make me feel this way, and that saddens me because those woods used to be home. I played in them all the time as a kid but now? No. And damn it's been bad lately, at its worst when the day's light is fading, twilight smothering the last bits of afternoon sun.

Whatever _it _is, it's palpable tonight, thick and silent; even the normal evening sounds of rustling trees and voices drifting from the guesthouse are gone.

It's followed me for months–ever since that summer ended, taking everybody I loved along with it.

Ever since the night I awoke to breaking glass, to blood-soaked sheets.

My mind wanders back to that night, and the months leading up to it, constantly. I live life just fine on the surface, but underneath and on the inside I mull over it incessantly, a nonstop train of thought chugging sluggishly through my brain. It's living two lives at once, my body and mind in a constant state of disconnect. I help Sue wash dishes while mourning the sound of Edward's laugh. Wiping down the front desk and feeling phantom fingers trailing over my skin.

Even if I _could_ imagine away the details of that night, nothing erases the frank and tangible things: hospital bills in a neat stack on my father's desk, the vigilance and concern etched across Sue's face.

I make it to the mailboxes, squinting as I poke around. The light out here has gone out again; I wonder if Charlie knows. Once again, there is nothing for me. Catalogs, bills, and a flyer from a pizza place; I tuck them beneath my arm and try to tamp down the disappointment. It's been weeks since I got a postcard from Leah.

And nothing from Edward. Nothing about Edward.

Edward.

The only thing that hurts more than his being gone is knowing that, at some point, I'm going to have to let go.

I go back up the way I came, half jogging as the rain starts to fall heavy. Back past the cottages at the end of our property, the picnic tables beneath the evergreens, Charlie's shed.

The creepy feeling dissipates. It happens suddenly, like the rain has something to do with it. Comfort smells like laundry and supper begin drifting out from the windows around me. Normal things, good things. My nerves un-fray and I slow, soothed and safe. This place belongs to me, and I to it.

"Bella." Sue's standing on the porch, eyeing my damp clothes. "Come inside."

* * *

**_yes, regular chapters will be longer._**

**_posting schedule - weekly. tuesday or wednesday nights. _**

**_xoxoxo_**


	2. Will you miss me?

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thank you, nic, for your insight and enthusiasm and perfect questions. love._

* * *

It has been six days since Leah called and nearly two weeks since she last sent something by mail. The last we heard, she and her boy were on the last leg of their road trip and headed toward some "fantastic house in the Hamptons". It_ must_ be fantastic, because up until now she's been really good about checking in.

I've come to expect her postcards and the cheesy relics from the dusty towns they've driven through, so this really sucks. Besides, I'm supposed to be with them right now. Instead I'm waiting here for someone who will probably never come home.

My heart feels like there's a fist clenched around it. I can't recall the last time I breathed easy.

A twig or branch snaps somewhere off in the unseen, the creepy disquiet lurking at the edges. Quickening my steps, I join Sue on the porch. Maybe I'd be better off checking the mail in the daytime. In fact, I can't wait until summer, when nights are curtailed and days reign longest. The woods can be foreboding in the daytime, too, but at least then I can see where I'm going.

Sue touches my arm, and pries the soggy stack of mail from me. She peers in to my eyes a beat too long. "You okay?"

I forget she knows things. She knows and I know, but we don't ever talk about them. It's like this unspoken agreement, kind of like the one I have with Jake.

"Yeah." I manage a smile, following her indoors. I'm glad to be out of the dark. The fireplace in the corner crackles cheerfully, washing warmth over me. It's a novelty to me, one of my favorite things about living here.

"Nothing from Lee?" Sue asks.

"No, not yet."

"That's weird, even for her," she muses, looking through the mail.

"Guess she's busier than usual."

Sue smiles at me, but it's brief and perfunctory… more like she thinks I should have taken off with Leah and Sam when I had the chance. She thinks I'm too young to be stuck at home, helping run the family business. Sue's all about exploration, whether it's in a classroom or seeing the world, like she did when she backpacked through Europe way back when.

Unlike Leah, who's already a junior at UW, I haven't even started yet. After finishing high school, it was expected that I'd go straight to college; I graduated as the salutatorian of my class, but only because I'd been burning the candle at both ends forever. I was exhausted. Plus, I missed my Dad. So instead, I deferred enrollment to the University of Arizona and moved back to the small, sleepy town where I was born.

These days I vacillate between thinking a year off might not be enough and feeling like I might go nuts if I don't go sooner. And when I do finally go, I might stay in Washington State. Forks can be stifling… but it's the only connection to Edward I have.

Every thought of him is a stomach ache. His name is forever needling at me, refusing to be forgotten. He's every song on the radio

(At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet  
and a freight train running through the  
middle of my head)

every love interest in every book, every subtle reference of every poem.

Some nights, late, I Google his name, trying to find news that may not have gotten to Forks yet. People say "no news is good news" but that's a damn lie. No news is no closure, and that's me walking around, holding on to my middle so the inside of me doesn't fall out.

Sue and I walk in silence through the sitting room, toward the back where we live. My grandparents left my father this place years ago. It was a bed and breakfast back in the eighties, and after retiring from the police force and marrying Sue, Charlie decided to restore it to its former glory.

There are three floors, and we live on the first. Back when Charlie and Sue first opened and things were slower, Leah helped her mother with housekeeping. I'd come during the summers, and we'd spend days working and nights goofing around outside or in La Push. As the years went by, however, people began hearing about Charlie & Sue's. The guesthouse had once again made a name for itself – business picked up and Sue hired a fulltime, _for real_ housekeeper. Leah got an after school job at the diner after that.

These days, the season is slowing down. Our last two guests checked out the day before, so it's quiet now. Too quiet. The house settles, creaking contentedly. I can hear rain rushing through the drainpipes outside, dripping steadily in to muddy puddles below. It's a far cry from Phoenix, this constant wet and cold and green.

"_Now_ can we make cookies?" Emily asks the second I walk in to the room. Sue snorts, disappearing in the bedroom.

She's asked about five times in the past hour – one of the reasons I decided to go check the mail – so I ignore her and continue on to the kitchen. Emily's seven. Charlie and Sue had her later in life, so she's a little spoiled, but she's sweet though, too. It kind of makes up for it. I'm used to her now, but when I first moved in it was weird, having to answer all of her questions and listen to her colorful ramblings. Up until last summer, we were only children who only saw one another for a couple of months at a time. Now it's like we've always lived together.

She gets on my nerves, and I love her. Often times she's the only thing that keeps me from being stuck inside my head. It's hard to be satisfyingly self-absorbed when there's a kid around.

Emily'd had a crush on Edward, too. She finally stopped asking when he would be back, thank God.

"Bella? Are we going to –"

"We won't if you keep asking," I call back, washing my hands.

I glance out into the living room where she's watching cartoons, her legs tucked up under her in the limber way only small children can manage. She didn't even hear me.

Sue's got dinner, so I begin gathering ingredients to make cookies. I prefer chocolate chip any day, but Emily saw this recipe on Nickelodeon for snicker doodles and begged me to help her make them. Whatever – I just like baking. It's cathartic; forgetting everything else is easier when I'm focusing on a recipe. Cooking's more intuitive, which is why I leave that to Sue.

The purposely gaudy magnet Edward sent me catches my eye, almost lost among the bright mess of Emily's artwork. It's one of the few things he sent me after arriving in Brazil with his parents. The further in to the jungle they went, the less convenient mailing packages became, so he stuck to letters and the occasional postcard after that.

I remember the first (and last) phone call, how the connection crackled and I thought for a minute I'd lost him. But then he said my name again, and my heart skipped a beat. We talked for a little while. He told me all about the people he'd met and the things he'd seen, that he was taking lots of pictures with his phone, but couldn't send them to me 'til he was back in the country.

That was in late August. He promised he'd call again when he was near a phone, but he never did.

The magnet came a week later. A couple of letters followed, but they too stopped abruptly, in November.

We're halfway through March now. I've had a birthday since the last time he saw me. We spent our first Christmas apart, and a New Year commenced without a kiss. The first Valentine's Day I've ever had a boyfriend, and I didn't hear from him.

Remembering the night before he left, I look out the window, at the raindrops trailing like tears down the glass. I'd watched his taillights until they'd disappeared in the dark. We only had three months, but it was long enough for him to rearrange my world.

"Butter," Emily says, suddenly beside me, coaxing me from my thoughts. "And sugar."

"Sugar's in the pantry," I say, pulling her ponytail. "Grab the cinnamon while you're in there."

* * *

Later, after dinner, and after giving Emily a bath and handing her off to Sue, I retreat to my bedroom, closing the door quietly behind. This is where I decompress, where I can drop the mask. Some days are crying days, but other times, like tonight, I'm numb. I'm not sure which is worse, but either way I sleep a lot more than I used to.

Nights like tonight I fill my hours with books or by going online, surfing the web 'til my eyes are bleary. I don't know what I'm looking for, other than something to keep my mind off of the past six months.

_Kind of Blue_ is on its second go-round when there's a knock on my door.

I set the laptop down. "Come in."

Charlie walks in, holding the cordless phone. He moves slowly, like I'm something to treat with quiet caution. He's been this way since the night my window imploded, a messy mix of guilt, concern and watchfulness. I think he wants to believe me when I say that something tried to come in to my room, but it's just too bizarre. It had been storming that night, and the felled tree leaning against the house seemed more likely.

Girls can be, you know. Irrational.

"It's Jake."

My heart squeezes anxiously, but I make no move to get up. "Oh."

Sighing, he walks closer and drops the phone on my bed. "I don't know what's going on with you two, but you need to fix it. This is ridiculous."

"Maybe you should ask Sue," I mutter, waiting until he's walking away.

He hears me anyway, and pauses in the doorway. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Turning away, I ignore him and pick up the phone. "Hey."

Charlie sighs as he shuts my door, and for a moment, I regret shutting him out.

"Bella," Jake says. He sounds relieved, and like he might cry.

"Yeah, what's up?" I lay back, hating the knots in my stomach. I miss my friends. Everyone I talk to is gone, in one way or another.

"I've been trying your cell – "

"It's turned off."

"Why won't you talk to me?"

Already exhausted with the conversation, I close my eyes. "Really, Jake? You drop news like that on me and you expect me to just be okay with it?"

"I had to tell you, Bells."

That nickname is my Dad's for me, and for some reason hearing Jake use it annoys me more than usual. It's something comfortable and familiar, two things he stopped being when he decided to flip the script on me. "Stop calling me that…please."

He laughs lowly. "Yeah, okay. Whatever, _Bella._ When you decide you're ready to deal with this, let me know, because I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine."

"I mean it."

"Okay, just…" I catch sight of myself in the mirror hanging over my dresser. I look haunted. "Just stop calling me. I need time to sort this out. I have enough stuff going on without your craziness."

"It's not craziness."

"It is to me!" I cry.

"That… hurts."

I don't want him to be hurt, but he's beginning to smother me. He's so consumed with his feelings that he doesn't have room to care about mine. "Well, I'm sorry. You hurt me, too."

He's quiet a moment. "I know…and I'm so, so sorry. You just…you frustrate me sometimes."

"And _you _scare _me_ sometimes."

"You know I love you, Bella."

It feels completely wrong, like he's ruining our friendship by changing its dynamic so completely. Squeezing my eyes shut, I think back over the years, the summers I spent my childhood here. He never acted this way before. What happened? Why now?

"I love you," he says again, like repeating it will make me love him back.

"Bye, Jake." I hang up right away, feeling sick that I can't love him in any way other than like a brother, sick that he wants me to.

And sick that sometimes, when he gets really upset, he apparently turns in to a wolf.

* * *

In the middle of the night, the wind kicks up. It howls as it passes, sending Sue's wind chimes in to such a frenzy that I can hear them clear on the opposite side of the house.

When I was really small, I could see the night sky from my bedroom in the old house, the house we lived in near town before Renee took me away from Forks. It was upstairs, and sometimes I'd lie awake, gazing at the stars. I wonder who lives in that house now, if they have a little girl.

I used to love the view outside this window, too, the thick tangle of trees behind our property, the lazy shadows they cast on my walls even in the daytime. But now I keep my curtains drawn – especially at night. The newly repaired glass does little to separate me from the dark beyond, even if it is re-enforced. I know from experience.

Feeling hot and scratchy, I roll on to my back and kick off the covers.

The dream catcher Jake gave me for my eighteenth birthday hangs listlessly above my head.

Sometimes I wonder if it's the source of my nightmares. There are all sorts of things I know nothing about, nighttime things that defy logic and explanation. Jake comes from a community that's well versed in the secret and the supernatural.

Nothing, nothing is the same.

I long for a day when things are like they used to be, the way they were when we were little and Jake was _just_ a boy, and _just_ a friend.

Things had felt different for months, and I'd suspected his feelings for me had changed. He wasn't particularly thrilled when Edward and I started seeing each other, and he wasted little time in being by my side once Edward left. But when Jake told me he was in love with me last week, and that we were meant to be together, I nearly died. He wasn't saying it rhetorically, or romantically; he said it like we're inevitable, and the sooner I accept it the sooner we can move on.

As if Edward's disappearance hasn't made me a half-person, trying to figure out each day as it comes. I didn't think I looked like someone who was ready to be in another relationship, but I guess Jake didn't care.

That's the normal stuff, though. All that aside, the real kicker is that the Jacob I thought I knew? Doesn't exist. Pardon me for freaking the hell out when, after telling him that I couldn't be with him that way, he changed in to a wolf right in the woods just beyond my back door.

Later he tried to explain that, somehow, this had something to do with his feelings for me.

So, no. I don't want to talk to him right now.

* * *

_Sometime last July_

"Doctors Without Borders," Edward said, his fingers trailing through my hair. There were knots, though, so he got stuck. He pulled his hand out and dug it right back in, playing with the strands.

"Like Peace Corp?"

"Yeah. I mean, they travel to different countries to help people that might not have access to medicine and health services."

"And they've always done this?"

"Every other year, for as long as I remember."

"And you don't want to just stay with your grandparents in again?" I asked, rubbing my thumb over his collarbone.

He shook his head. "I'm old enough to go. I _want_ to go. This is what I want to do…with my life." His green eyes look almost hazel in this light, and in this second they're all I see. "They'd be gone already, but they waited 'til I was done with classes so we could fly out together."

I felt like a horrible person, mainly because I didn't care that what Edward and his parents were doing was noble. He was going to be gone for three months.

"That's…impressive."

His fingers stopped playing in my hair. "Don't be like that."

"Like what?"

He shifted on to his side, pulling me closer, making our blanket fall to the floor. "Passive aggressively pissed that I'm leaving."

I probably could have smiled like a brave little soldier, but frankly I felt abandoned. And on the verge of pity party. "Sorry," I whispered, glad the lights in his bedroom were low so he wouldn't see me cry.

"Don't cry," he said anyway, tipping my chin up. "It'll go by fast."

"I hope so."

"It will," he promised. "I'll write."

"I'll write back," I said. "Will you miss me?

I'd miss him. Imagining my days without him around made me sadder than it should have – I wasn't the clingy type. But he wasn't just some guy and it wasn't just a summer fling, and I fell for him so quickly, so thoroughly, that the notion of being apart felt fundamentally wrong.

"Yeah. I'll miss this." He ran his hand down my back, tucking it in to the waistband of my jeans. "I'll miss you. Maybe we can go together next time."

"In two years?"

"Two years."

"Traipsing through the bush, saving lives?"

"Something like that."

"Blood makes me pass out."

He leaned down, biting my nose playfully. "You'd do it for me."

Closing my eyes I saw him still, his after-image glowing beneath my eyelids. I held on to it, burning it in to my brain in the hopes that I'd be able to retrieve it later, when I was missing him most.

"Yes," I said. "I'd do it for you."

* * *

_lyrics by Bruce Springsteen; "I'm on Fire"_

_"Kind of Blue" - Miles Davis_

**_the response to last chapter was incredible. thank you so, so SO MUCH! i'm sorry for my total lameness in not responding like i used to, back in the good ol' days. it's hectic, having 2 kids man! and a husband! but listen. tweet me. roglows _**

**_love._**


	3. Returned

_**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**_

_**thank you for your words, time and sweetness, Nic. &hearts.**_

* * *

I wake up clammy and cold, surfacing abruptly from dreams of running in the woods. My eyes go immediately to the window, but it's quiet and closed despite the glacial chill in my bedroom. Shivering, I grab for my phone so that I can see Edward's picture. There are dozens saved there, maybe even hundreds, cataloging all of our moments. I open them, and for a moment I'm not here but there: sitting on his bedroom floor, in the passenger seat of his car, in his backyard, on his lap.

When you don't see someone for a really long time, you start to forget what they look like. The harder you concentrate the more they slip away, like trying to catch minnows in a stream with your bare hands. While I haven't exactly forgotten Edward's face, sometimes the truth of his features fades around the edges and I find myself floundering to remember, panicked.

Gradually my heartbeat slows and my breathing evens out and I lie back down, phone resting on my stomach. It stays lit for a moment before going out like an artificial candle, leaving me in the dark… again.

* * *

Angela Weber stands on the porch, gazing out at the tree line as she blows the steam from her tea.

She brought me a cup, too, and I hold it between my palms, appreciating the heat. I have a lot of memories of doing just this, of gossiping on the porch with her as the hours dragged by. Soon the weather will be warmer, and we'll have to switch to something cold.

"So, no word?" she asks eventually, turning to look at me.

I sink on to the porch swing, shaking my head. This is one of the many reasons I love Angela – she believes like I believe. Everyone else thinks that Edward died just like his parents, but until they find his body, too, I hold on to the hope that he's alive. They were literally in the middle of a jungle. He could be anywhere: lost, or taken.

Both possibilities make me sick inside, but they're better than the alternative.

Angela hums and sits next to me. "I've been praying for him."

I close my eyes, holding in tears. "Me too."

"I've been praying for you, too."

I fumble my hand over to hers and take it. "Thanks."

We sit in silence awhile, drinking tea. This is another reason I love Angela: our silence is companionable. The trees shush, the birds chirp, and wind sighs through the grass. It's always so calm out here when there are no guests, quiet enough that nature seems loud. The far off rumble of a motor catches my attention when it seems to come closer.

Angela and I stare at the driveway, where the forest road empties in to a small clearing in front of the inn. A familiar, rusted green Jeep pulls up, and I'm so shocked that I jump to my feet, spilling the last of my tea.

Angela says, "Is that—"

But Leah's already getting out, sweeping her thick black hair in to a ponytail as she gazes our way. It's gotten so much longer since I've seen her; that's how long she's been gone.

I'm so relieved to see her that I start to cry.

Leah's a tough one, but her face crumples when she sees me like this. Without words, she slams the car door and jogs up the porch steps.

"Hey," she breathes, hugging me tight. She smells like pot and incense and Sam, who follows at a safe distance, his face stoic. He's the perfect calm to Leah's storm. I wave to him from within Leah's embrace, and he waves back, smiling a bit.

"I missed you," I whisper, sniffling. "What are you doing back already?"

"It was time to come home," she said, shrugging.

Relieved, I'm so incredibly relieved. I feel the ballast of my aloneness lifting. "But I thought you guys were coming back next month."

"Mom said you weren't doing too well," Leah admits, stepping back. Her eyes run the length of me, taking inventory, I'm sure, of the circles under my eyes, the weight I've lost. She shakes her head. "It was time."

"I should get going," Angela says, touching my arm. "I have a long drive ahead."

I bite my lip. She leaves her school in Seattle to come home every couple of months, but we haven't spent very much time together this time around. Besides Leah, Angela is the closest friend I have, and I'm going to miss her. Terribly. "You sure? I—"

"I'm sure. You guys need to catch up." She smiles sweetly, tugging my hair.

"Thanks for coming to see me." I hug her. "When will you be back? Summer?"

"Probably." She nods. "The semester ends in mid-May."

I give her one more quick hug, already feel the sadness of being left behind yet again, even if Leah's home now. "Drive safely, Ange."

"Will do. Good to see you, Leah."

"You too." Leah's answer is breezy but her eyes haven't left me since she got here.

Sam starts to unload Leah's things from the Jeep, and after a moment she goes to help him.

* * *

"What?" I laugh, but not because anything is funny. If anything it's uncomfortable, like Leah's staring is secretly an ongoing psychiatric evaluation. I sigh inwardly. First Charlie and Sue, and now Leah. I'm tired of everyone regarding me like each word and gesture has deeper significance.

"Tell me about the window."

I recline on my bed, picking at a loose thread on the bedspread. "Sue told you."

"I want to hear it from you."

"I was asleep. I woke up when something tried to come in through my window."

Leah's black eyes burn. "Like what?"

"A tree, apparently," I say, turning away.

"Cut it out, Bella. What was it really?"

"I… it looked like an animal or something." I shudder, remembering flashes of lightning and of seeing fur, and eyes. Screaming for my father. Lying as still as I could in my bed so that I didn't roll on to the shards of glass sprayed across it. Getting cut up anyway, bad enough that Charlie, Sue and Emily had to drive me to the hospital to get stitches.

Leah looks down and takes my arm, tracing her fingers along the worst of the scars.

"It sounds crazy," I say.

"I believe you," she whispers. "And I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"Nobody was here." Leah's the closest thing I have to a sister. I'm glad she's back, relieved, but it's true – she was gone during the time I needed her most. I won't tell her that, because I don't want her to feel worse than she already does.

"Well, I'm here now. And I'm not leaving."

"Until Fall semester."

"Yeah, but you'll be coming with me, right?" She pinches me when I don't answer. "Right?"

_I don't know I don't know I don't know._ "Right."

"You can't…" Frowning, she pauses. "…put everything on hold because of Edward."

"I'm not."

"What have you been doing since he left, then?"

She's got me there. Besides helping out around the inn and, up until recently, hanging out with Jake, I haven't been doing much of anything. In the beginning it was okay, but when Edward's return date came and went, my waiting took on a depressing futility. Maybe Leah's right, and it would be healthier for me to get out of Forks.

Although, the thought of leaving the place Edward and I were together makes my stomach hurt.

"I'll go with you," I concede, knowing it's the right thing to do. The sensible thing.

She nods, standing. "And what about now?"

"What _about _now?"

"Come to work with me," Leah says. "They always need people at the diner."

"No way," I laugh. "Ange used to try and get me to work there. It's not happening."

"What about the book store? It's right by the diner; we could drive together."

I want to tell her to forget it, but I don't. It would be pointless. Leah's stubborn, and in this case, probably right. Getting out of my room might be good for me.

"Fine. I'll stop by and ask Rachel—"

"No need; I already have."

I gape at her. "Already? Why?"

"I need to get you away from here, Bella," Leah says, fluttering her hand over my curtains. "You'll go crazy staring at these damn trees."

I refrain from telling her I probably already have.

* * *

_Early last May_

Sue handed me the grocery list and her debit card.

"Go to the farmer's market for the fruits and veggies, Bella. Last time the apples from Thriftway were mealy."

I nodded, patting my pockets for the keys. "All right. I'll be back in a bit."

Outside there was a new morning, the sun a soft butter yellow. I loved days like this, when the air was cool but not cold, and not yet humid. Comfortable. I let the windows down in the old red truck Charlie had surprised me with the week before. It was a graduation-slash-welcome home present, and though it was old enough to have been Grandpa Hank's, I loved it. I'd never had my own mode of transportation, unless you counted my bus pass back in Phoenix.

My phone rang as I pulled in to the half-empty parking lot at Thriftway. "Hello?"

"Bella? It's Angela."

"Hey, Ange," I said, jumping down out the truck.

"Hey. What're you up to?"

"Running errands for Charlie and Sue. I'm at Thriftway now. Are you working?"

"Yeah, we're about to have the lunch rush," she replied.

I stifled a laugh, wondering how much of a rush the Fork's Diner could possibly have. The population of this town was like, two hundred people.

Angela heard me anyway. "Shut up, Bella," she laughed. "It gets crazy in here. Maybe if you came by you'd see."

Balancing my phone between my chin and shoulder, I grabbed a shopping cart and fished the list from my back pocket. "I've been there before."

"Not in forever."

I sighed. "Maybe I will, today."

"Maybe you _should_ today," she said, challenging me in the goofy way she did. I'd known Angela since we were kids. She was one of the few girls I'd kept in touch with after going back to Arizona at the end of every summer.

"Fine. Let me get Sue her groceries and then I'll stop by."

"Good," she said. A ruckus erupted in the background, sounding like plates crashing. "Oh, shit. Gotta go."

So, Angela hadn't been lying. The Fork's Diner was packed, and not just with loggers and senior citizens. Apparently this was one of the hang out spots for high school kids on summer vacation and college students back in town. Even the jukebox looked brand-new, definitely not the rusty artifact that I remembered from summers past.

Angela went whizzing by, balancing a huge tray of drinks. "You made it," she yelled above the din.

Smiling, I nodded and scanned the room for any empty table. A couple of spots opened up at the bar, so I began making my way forward.

"Bella Swan?"

I turned toward the voice, just narrowly missing another server with an armload of burgers. "…Jessica? Stanley?"

"Not for long," she said, fluttering her fingers. A tiny diamond flashed from her left hand. "Mike asked me to marry him."

I didn't have the foggiest idea who Mike was. Honestly, I barely remembered Jessica. We'd hung out at the lake a lot as kids, but as the years went by and cliques naturally began to form, she and I had had little in common.

She rolled her eyes at my blank stare. "Mike? Ya know, Mike Newton?"

"Oh, oh yeah." I nodded and smiled at her ring, indulging her as she caught me up on town gossip.

"_Any_way. How've you been?" she asked eventually, glancing around.

"Good. I just got back last—"

"You're going to the lodge later, right?" she interrupted.

"I…don't know what that is."

Angela popped up, wiping her brow. "C'mon, lemme seat you before someone else takes that spot."

"I'll probably see you later," Jessica said, grinning. She wasn't so bad, I supposed, just a little perky.

"What's the lodge?" I asked Angela, watching her wipe down the bar before I sat.

"Yeah, that's actually why I called you earlier, but I got sidetracked," she said, tucking the rag in to her apron. "It's this newish place down between here and La Push. Really mellow; they have music and drinks and stuff. You wanna go?"

"Yeah, actually," I said, surprised. So Forks had a little scene. I was impressed. "That sounds great."

"Cool, I'll pick you up," Angela said. Her notebook and pen were poised and ready. "What're you hungry for? You know your dad loves the peach cobbler…"

Nostalgia tugged at my heartstrings. "He does, doesn't he?"

It was good to be back.

Angela and I were meeting her boyfriend, Ben, and a couple of his friends at the Lodge. She wanted to introduce me to some guy named Eric, but I was reluctant. Relationships complicated things, and I'd just barely gotten to town.

After leaving the main road, Angela took a dirt road to a place I realized I knew. The Lodge was tucked in to a rambling two story building on the water. I thought I remembered Charlie bringing me to a Fourth of July party there years before, and said so.

"Probably," Angela said, nodding as she pulled in to a parking space. "I think out-of-towners bought the building. Locals manage it, though. It's a popular spot for art shows and bands now."

I shook my head in disbelief. "Forks was always so… dead when I used to visit."

"It still is," she said, shrugging. "This is like, the only thing there is to do at night, unless you want to have a bonfire on the beach or something." She turned toward me, eyes suddenly alight. "We should so do that!"

Now _that_ was something I remembered. "Let's."

Apparently summer had lured everyone home for a visit. For the most part, the crowd was unfamiliar, but every now and then I saw a face I recognized. Angela, of course, knew nearly everyone, and before long we'd found her group in a dim, rounded corner booth.

"I've never seen this place so crowded!" she said, leaning close to be heard over the music. "Guess everyone's home."

A really tall, gangly guy stopped in front of us, his eyes flitting back and forth between Angela and me.

"Eric!" she cried, standing to hug him. My heart sank. This was the guy she'd been talking about. He wasn't my type… at all. "Bella, this is Eric. Eric, this is Bella."

"Chief Swan's daughter, so you better watch it," teased Ben.

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "Yeah… he's been retired forever though."

Eric just nodded, grinning. "Nice to finally meet you."

Angela scooted over, tugging me with her so that there was room at the end of the seat. I'd told her earlier that I wasn't "looking", but she was the kind of girl who always had a guy so she didn't believe me. In fact, she'd been with Ben for the past three years.

"So. You're new in town, but not really," Eric said, leaning close. He smelled like beer and breath mints.

I fiddled with the strap of my bag. "Pretty much."

"And you work at the bed and breakfast?"

"Sounds like Ange filled you in," I replied, trying to remain polite.

"I'm going to get her a job at the diner," Angela butted in, elbowing me.

"Right, because clumsy people are great waitresses," I said.

"Servers," she corrected, winking.

I elbowed her back and looked around, ignoring Eric's ongoing stare. He began talking again but his chatter blended in with the general clamor, the hum generated by dozens of conversations. Eventually he got the hint and migrated to another booth.

Settling back, I sipped on my soda and people-watched. The band was different than I'd expected, sort of jazzy hip-hop. Angela included me the conversation occasionally, but she let me be, too. I was answering a text from someone back in Phoenix when she nudged me.

"Hey… have you met Edward yet?"

I glanced up to see who she was talking about. Tall. Dark jeans, grey jacket. Brown hair, maybe red? Definitely not familiar. "No. I haven't. He's not from here, is he?" He had a nice build.

"No, they're from Chicago or something. Moved here a couple of years ago."

He was with a large group, and as I watched he threw back his head, laughing uproariously at something someone said.

"He's really cute," Angela sighed.

I looked at her in surprise; she and Ben were practically married. Then I realized that she was just back in matchmaker mode. "Angela," I groaned. "You're worse than my grandmother."

She shrugged. "I'm just saying."

The band announced that they were taking a break. Something Top 40 filled the airspace instead. My gaze drifted back to Edward.

Nice profile, a straight nose and maybe-freckles. Green eyes; he was looking at me.

Slightly embarrassed, I looked past him, as if I'd been staring at the wall he was standing next to. But my eyes were back on him before I realized it. He smiled a little and turned back to his friends.

I wondered how old he was. If Angela was familiar with him, he was probably close to our age. He had the kind of face I couldn't forget, and I knew I'd be seeing it in my thoughts later on.

Whether I wanted to or not.

Outside, later, I waited beside Angela's car while she spoke to Ben. A sharp breeze bit by, lifting my hair and sending the leaves at my feet scurrying. I probably could have climbed in to the passenger seat, but instead I wrapped my arms around myself and tilted my face up. Unlike Phoenix, which was usually washed red from the blush of city lights, the sky here was inky and dark. Sometimes though, like tonight, the almost full moon and cloud cover gave it a milky glow. I squinted, trying to find stars.

The crunch of gravel underfoot tugged me from my stargazing.

Edward and his friends walked by, still joking around. A sort of wistfulness stole over me, and for a second I wished we'd been introduced. My own fault, really. I could have asked Angela. I could have _let_ Angela.

Either my thoughts were loud or he was a mind reader, because he turned and looked at me, his face barely visible. I could almost feel his indecision. Or decision; he turned and came over to me.

"I'm Edward."

I nodded. "I'm Bella."

He looked down, smiling. "I… saw you. Inside."

"I know," I said, biting my lip. Smiling, shaky. "I saw you see me."

He chuckled, nodding. "You new in town?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"It really is." He stepped closer, sliding his hands in to his pockets. "Everyone knows Chief Swan's daughter's here now."

"I used to live here," I said, feeling the need to explain. "A long time ago. And I spend summers here."

"Just summers?"

His stare had heat; warmth effloresced throughout my chest. "Maybe… I don't know yet."

Edward glanced back over his shoulder at his friends, who were trying to get his attention. "I have to go, but…"

I nodded, wishing I had the courage to ask him to stay.

He hesitated, and then took something from his back pocket. A pen. His friends called his name and Angela walked back over and the moon reappeared from behind the clouds. Edward grabbed my hand and scrawled his number on to my palm. I wondered if he'd planned this, if he'd come prepared with the pen or if it had been a last minute decision. "Call me, okay?"

Gladness and surprise almost stole my smile.

* * *

_thank you for reading and reviewing. it means a lot to me. love hearing your thoughts and theories._

_twitter? (at)roglows_

_oh! also. The Season of Our Discontent Contest is about to commence - http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/3142288/ or go to (at)TwiAngstContest on twitter ... i am, with a group of amazing ladies, helping judge. so check it out! _

___love! xoxo_


	4. the Cold

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my betafish nic, the peanut butter to my jelly. love you!_

* * *

For the first week that Leah is home, she sticks close to me. Thanks to the spring rain that won't stop, we spend most of our time indoors, but I don't really mind. The eidolic sensation that I'm being watched seems stronger than ever, and if I'm completely honest, I'm afraid that whatever crashed through my window is still out there.

I feel hunted.

But, now that Leah's back, I also feel protected. Sam comes by every day, which is normal. It was like this before they left, and even before that, when Leah was at UW. He wasn't going to school there, but he stayed in her little apartment anyway, working while she was in class.

I can't talk to Leah the way I want to though, not with Sam around. He's a sweet guy, but we aren't that close.

So instead the three of us hang out, talking, playing cards and watching movies. It's okay I guess, but sometimes it feels like they're babysitting me. A couple of times I've come back from the bathroom or kitchen to find the two of them gone, holed up in Leah's bedroom. I escape to my own room, aching with loneliness and envy, the pain from missing Edward cutting me so deeply I wonder if I'll ever recover.

There are guests staying at the Inn now, newlyweds from California and a family of four that visit every spring break.

It's nice having so many people around.

On my way to bed one night, after helping Emily and Sue with a school project, I hear Leah talking on the phone. The rise and fall of her voice makes me think she's pissed off. Livid, even. Without thought I pause outside of her bedroom door, holding my breath as I listen.

With the washing machine going nearby in the laundry room and the rain falling outside, it's difficult to hear, but I think I hear Jake's name. Several times. My heart clenches uncomfortably. Sam and Leah grew up with Jake. They know about him – they must. My mind is racing. _Of course _they know. Sue knows.

A vague sense of betrayal washes over me, pitting in my gut. Obviously there are things Leah knows that she isn't telling me, and that hurts. She knows I'm in the dark right now.

Leah's voice drifts closer. I walk down the hall and in to my room, my mouth dry. If Jake can change in to a wolf, it's wholly possible that other members of the tribe can, too.

* * *

My room is so, so cold. Ever since my window broke.

But that's not true. Something about that isn't quite right, and it nags at me. Deeper I dig, into the recesses of my thoughts, feelings and memories, perhaps even my subconscious, reaching for that elusive detail.

And then I know: the cold was there before the glass shattered.

Yes.

This should matter more to me, but the cold embraces me, and I relax in to it, oddly comforted. It's tangible, almost substantial.

_I love you._

_I love you, too. _

I wake up slowly, floating to the top as if I've been at the bottom of a pool, my eyes adjusting slowly to the blue black of predawn. Feeling like I'm still half asleep, I touch my lips and sit up.

There's a sweet taste in my mouth. I've tasted it before.

* * *

"I'm going out, Bell." Leah lingers in my doorway the next morning, keys dangling from her hand. "I'll be back soon."

It's eleven a.m. and I'm still in my pajamas, but I leap up from the computer, hands flying through my hair as I retie my ponytail. "I want to come."

She's obviously caught off guard. "No, I…" She shakes her head. "You're not even dressed. Chill; I'll be right back."

But I'm already pulling my hoodie on. There's no way she's leaving me here by myself. We need to talk; the beating around the bush ends _now_. "Nope. Coming."

Leah narrows her eyes. "Why?"

"Why not?" I shove my feet in to the sneakers lying by my desk. "You're going to see Sam, right? In La Push?"

She folds her arms. "Yeah, so?"

"So I need to talk to Jake," I lie. Well, partly. I do need to talk to him, even though I don't really want to yet. Leah's who I really need to discuss things with, though. Riding with her to La push will kill two birds with one stone.

"It's about time," she says, and then frowns, realizing she walked right in to that one.

I stand up, grabbing my phone. "I know about him, you know. So you can stop bullshitting and acting like all's well."

"I never said all was well." I know that tone; she's working hard to keep from being angry. She shudders visibly.

We share a brief, stubborn stare. A memory of what Leah was like when our parents first met flickers through my mind; she hated me. We used to bicker all the time.

"You're keeping things from me," I say. "Secrets."

Leah drops her arms. "So are you."

"Can we just go? I need to get out of the house." I'm practically begging now. I'm desperate to know what Leah knows, who she was talking to on the phone the night before and what they were discussing. Specifics and details evade me but I sense that things are connected: Leah and Sam coming home, Jake, the watcher in the woods. Instinctively I know that it's something that will require me to believe in the unbelievable, just as I have had to do with regard to Jake.

"Well, we start work on Monday, so…"

I give her a look.

"Fine. But put some pants on, at least," she snaps. "You look like a bum."

I trade my sweats for jeans and jog down the hall, not wanting Leah to leave me behind anyway. In the car, she locks the doors and, after I start blowing on my hands to keep them warm, turns on the heat.

We drive in silence for awhile. She won't look at me, and actually, she seems anxious.

"Leah."

"Hm."

"I know about Jake. He…changed in front of me."

She's quiet for so long that I begin to think that maybe she's mad at me. But then she takes a deep breath and pushes it out, like she's psyching herself up for the talk we're about to have. "It's called shifting…and he wasn't supposed to do that in front of you."

I don't bother to ask how long she's known. The point is she isn't surprised, like I knew she wouldn't be.

"So then why did he?" I ask instead.

"Because he thinks he's in love with you. He thinks you're his soul mate and that he can't keep anything from you."

Even without looking at Leah I know she's rolling her eyes, and I'm relieved she feels me on this. "So you don't think he's actually in love with me?"

"No, and you're not in love with him."

"No."

"I think… he should explain things himself."

I rub my hands over my face, tired of the conversation before it's begun. "What else could he possibly have to say? Please don't tell me there's more…"

"This is exactly why you guys need to talk." Leah turns off the heat and cracks the windows with a huff. "You get mad when people walk on eggshells around you, but then you freak when they try to explain. You can't have it both ways," she says.

"Why can't you talk to me, too?"

"I do talk to you."

"About," I pause, because I'm about to cry. "About everything else! You're always with Sam –"

"Bella."

But the dam is broken, and words keep rushing out. "He's great, and you're great _together_, but I need you too. Nothing's been the same since you guys left; I feel like my life keeps falling apart more and more. I keep waiting for it to just…stop or take a break, but it won't. I only came with you today to talk to you, and you only let me come so I'd talk to Jake…but I don't want to talk to Jake. Or about Jake…

"Bella!" Leah says again, probably alarmed at my frantic rambling.

It's been months, though. Months of the hurt, and longing, and feeling sometimes like I'm going crazy from it all. "I want to talk about Edward. And the fact that he's still gone and no one believes me when I say he's still alive! I know he is… he promised me he'd come back…" I shut up abruptly, swallowing back the lump in my throat.

Leah sighs, pulling off the road. She turns to me, and I just know she's about to reason with me. She looks torn, like she's sad but also determined to reason with me.

But I speak before she does. "I just…I need someone to talk to, and I feel like you've been avoiding me since you got home."

Her face falls. "I know you feel like you've lost your heart. I know. And I'm so, so sorry. I know how happy he made you." She grabs my hand. "If you want me to be completely honest, I don't think Edward's dead either. Sam and I were talking about this, and it just doesn't make sense…if he was with his parents when they both died from malaria, it stands to reason that he would have – should have – died the same way. It happens all the time in places like that, and I'm sure they knew the risks."

A sob rips through my chest, and I cover my mouth with both hands. I haven't really talked about this since the day we all found out. The day one of Charlie's friends down at the police station called him to tell him what had happened to the Masen family…

Leah squeezes my hand. "But not knowing what happened is almost worse than knowing for sure that he's gone, and I can't watch you torture yourself with it. I can't. It's like you're stuck in limbo, and it's affecting everybody. Your dad's worried sick about you."

"So, what, you want me to get over it?" I cry, closing my eyes.

Her hands on mine ground me. "No. But I want you to deal with it, any way you can, for right now. You're half of a person these days."

My fight is gone, and I sit, empty, feeling like my chest is imploding. It's the worst way to feel, like I've lost.

"I love you," she whispers, slowly pulling away.

I nod, wiping the back of my hand across my face.

Leah sighs, getting back on the road. We're only a couple of minutes from La Push now. "I don't want you feeling like you can't talk to me about this, though. We can talk about it as much as you need to, okay?"

I nod again, grabbing a roll of toilet paper from the glove compartment so I can blow my nose.

Leah must've called Sam to tell him what was up, because when we pull up to his muddy driveway Jacob's sitting on the porch railing. He slides off as we park.

I can see it, naked as day. His adoration.

It's slightly nauseating, not because he's unlovable, but because I simply can't love him that way. I don't want to hurt him, but nor will I lie or lead him on. Leah insisted that we hash this out, and so we will. Right now.

"Bella," he says, taking my hand reverently. "You came."

Grimacing, I pull my hand away and wipe it on my jeans. "We need to talk."

"That's what I've been telling you…"

"I wasn't ready to talk to you before… I told you that." I take a deep breath, trying not to be so short with Jake. Despite the innate weirdness of our situation, we've been friends for years. Good friends. "But I'm ready now."

"What changed?" he asks, leading me back down the steps. Leah and Sam disappear inside without so much as a backward glance.

"Nothing, really. I guess I just needed to accept that there are things in this world I never could have fathomed, and you're one of them. I'm sorry I freaked out on you like that but, seeing you shift was…there are no words."

"I know. That's why I wasn't supposed to tell you, but I don't want there to be secrets between us."

"Are you the only one who can do it?" I whisper. "Shift…?"

For a moment, I don't think he'll answer me. He stares straight ahead, chewing nervously on his thumbnail. "No."

I sense that he won't – or can't tell me more.

"Well…thanks for trusting me," I say, biting my lip. "I'll keep your secrets. It what friends do."

"Just friends?" he asks, and hope is so naked in his voice that it makes me flinch.

"Jake."

His shoulders slump."All right."

For awhile we walk without speaking, stepping over mossy rocks and large branches half hidden in the undergrowth. His forest feels inexplicably friendlier than mine does. I don't know why. Eventually the trees thin and then clear completely, leaving us near the edge of a cliff. Below, the ocean churns ceaselessly, its rough water reflecting the silver sky.

I throw a stone as far as I can, watching it disappear as it sails through the sky. "I'm afraid, Jake."

He stiffens beside me. "Why? I told you… I'd never hurt you. I didn't mean to scare you so badly."

"Not that. It's…sometimes I feel like I'm being watched. I know that sounds crazy, but I hardly go outside anymore. I know I'm not alone out there. This feeling crawls all over me, even when I'm in my room. I think that's what tried to attack me."

Jake stays quiet, his hands deep in his pockets.

"I was sleeping when it happened, you know? So… I don't even know what it was. I mean, the tree –"

"You told Leah you saw fur and eyes," he says, glancing at me as we walk. "In the darkness."

I narrow my eyes. "Do you guys tell each other everything?"

He stares straight ahead. "Something like that."

"Maybe I should talk to Charlie. Again. He still thinks it was a frigging tree…but if there's something out there he can round up his friends…" I trail off, because Jake looks like he's checked out of the conversation. "What?"

He scratches his chin. "We haven't had to shift for decades, Bella."

I shake my head slowly. "What do you mean, _had to?_"

"Certain things put other things in motion."

"You could not be more vague, seriously," I say, frowning. "Just tell me. You've already started to."

Swallowing, Jake sits down on the ground, and I follow. "Legend has it that a long time ago there were a group of predators in this area, hunting and killing people."

Goosebumps break out over my skin, but I stay silent.

"I'm not going to bore you with details, but…basically the local Quileutes starting evolving…shifting…so that they could protect their families and villages."

"Changing in to wolves?"

He nods.

"What happened then?" I ask.

"They were able to push the predators away. This is sacred ground, Bella. Protected."

"Like…magically?" I feel like an idiot for putting it that way, but apparently anything is possible.

Jake chuckles. "Kind of. Anyway, if these predators, the Cold Ones, ever pass through again, we'll know."

"How?"

"Our bodies sense it. The initial shift is involuntary." He looks away from me quickly. "I'm… I'm learning to control it though."

No wonder Leah said thst Jake wasn't supposed to tell me about this. It's insanity, and if I hadn't seen him change – _shift— _with my own eyes, I wouldn't believe a word of it.

Fear runs cold over my skin and through my body, making my stomach clench. Questions swirl through my head, dizzying me. _Are the predators here now? Is that what tried to come in to my room?_

I stare at Jake, squeezing my hands I to fists to stop them from shaking."So what are you saying? That these..._predators_ are back? Is that why this is happening to you?" I clench my eyes shut, trying to understand. "What exactly are the Cold Ones, Jake?"

Twigs snap behind us. I look over my shoulder, and there stand Sam and Leah. Leah's face is pretty neutral, but Sam looks pissed off. He's usually so mellow, so seeing him glare at Jake, wordlessly signaling for him to get up, is weird.

I look back at Jake, but he's staring at the ground as he rises to stand with Sam.

"You ready?" Leah asks me, her voice soft.

Ignoring her, I tug on Jake's arm. He shakes his head and turns to follow Sam, who's already begun leaving. "Thanks for coming by, Bella. I'll see you soon."

"What was that all about?" I whisper to Leah as we follow the boys back through the woods.

She shrugs, but I sense she knows and is choosing not to tell me. Again.

I sigh, loudly. "What, is it some tribal secret the pale faces aren't privy to?"

Leah throws me a withering glance. "Don't be an idiot."

"But why –"

"Jake just keeps talking and talking." We emerge from the woods and begin making our way back to Leah's car. "He's already told you a bunch of stuff that is so, so private. Please don't ask him, or me, to tell you anything else."

"You said he and I needed to talk, though."

"About your _relationship_," she says, unlocking the car. "Not all this other stuff."

"We don't have a relationship."

"You know what I mean."

I leave La Push more confused than when I arrived.

* * *

_Last May_

The night I met Edward, I jotted his number on to a piece of paper before it could fade off of my hand. I wished he'd taken my number instead of giving me his, because the ball was in my court now. The thought of calling him totally unnerved me.

What's meant to be will be, though, and fate soon interceded.

Wanting a break from the idyllic but isolated atmosphere of the inn, I'd started having lunch at the diner. I made sure to come right after the rush, when it was quieter, and eat at the bar, where I could chat with Angela between her tables.

The bar was full that day, though. I was reading in an empty booth one afternoon, picking at a piece of pie, when someone plopped down across from me. Startled, I looked up.

Edward smiled a little, his hands clasped in front of him on the table. He was even handsomer by daylight, his eyes a little brighter. The pale sun shining through the windows caught in his hair; it was an interesting color, kind of coppery.

Sitting a little straighter, I set my book down. Two chance meetings and already he made me so incredibly nervous. "Hi."

"Hey."

My stomach lurched anxiously. "I…I'm sorry I haven't called yet."

He grinned. "About that…"

"I meant to." I bit my lip, feeling guilty.

"Well, I would've called you, but…"

"But you don't have my number," I finished. "No, I really was going to call you. I just, I don't know. I felt weird."

He cocked his head. "Why?"

I didn't know what to say that wouldn't sound completely lame. "Because…"

Angela popped up, a coy smirk dimpling her cheeks. "Fancy meeting you here, Edward. What can I get you?" She glanced down at me, winking. She probably told him I was at the diner, the little matchmaker.

We talked while he ate; casual, superficial chitchat.

He was the only child of two doctors. They'd traveled all over the world, and as a child he'd spent summers in exotic locations. He wanted to be a doctor, too. He loved the quiet of Forks. He missed the bustle of Chicago, his birthplace.

I told him about Charlie and my mom, and how they split up when I was only two. How I grew up in Arizona, and while I loved the lush green of Forks I missed the culture of Phoenix.

His eyes never left mine, not once. It was as if our gaze was a conversation all its own.

He stood up afterward, tucking two twenties beneath his plate. I fought the urge to stand up, too.

"So, since writing my number on your hand wasn't direct enough," he paused, and his eyes seemed to tease me, "can I take you out sometime?"

My heart skipped, and not for the first time since he'd joined me. "Sure."

He stared down at me, linking his hands behind his head. "How about tonight?"

* * *

Charlie knocked at my door. "Bells, your friend is here."

I rolled my eyes. He knew damn well I was going on date. I didn't over-share with my father, but nor did I keep things from him. Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I opened the door and followed Charlie out to the living room, where Emily had apparently taken it upon herself to entertain Edward while he waited.

He glanced up at me, clear green eyes twinkling in amusement.

"She was showing me her tap routine."

"Okay, Emmy," I said, giving her a quick squeeze. "We have to go."

"Nice meeting you," he said to her, shaking her hand. I looked at Sue, who seemed just as charmed as I was with this guy.

If there was one thing Emily and I had both inherited from our father, it was blushing. She turned bright pink before slinking away. Edward turned to me, grinning. "She's cute."

"When she wants to be," I laughed.

Edward was the first guy ever to open the car door for me. I wasn't used to such chivalry; it seemed old fashioned and sweet.

He took me to a little Italian restaurant in Port Angeles, where we continued talking as if we'd never stopped. Normally new acquaintances made me shy, and I preferred letting them speak. But Edward wanted to know about me, and I simply couldn't refuse him.

It had been a long time since I'd gone out with someone, and there wasn't anyone I dated like Edward. He was gorgeous, but completely down to earth, too. He didn't seem to notice our waitress ogling him and I pretended not to notice the random frisson of possessiveness that shot through me.

At the end of the evening, he drove me right home, explaining he wanted to make a good impression on Charlie. He walked me to my door, and waited until I was inside before driving away. For a second I thought that I was relieved that he hadn't tried to kiss me, but as I watched the darkness swallow his taillights I realized I was just plain disappointed.

I wanted him to kiss me.

And I knew, by the way he'd been with me all night, that he wanted to kiss me, too.

* * *

**_sorry this is late. tiny tyrant struck again last night. actually, he's striking again right now, but i really wanted to get this chapter out._**

**_i think i actually managed to answer all my reviews last time. you don't know how happy this makes me...i haven't been able to do that in a while._**

**_thanks for all of the questions, pm's, reviews and tweets. feel free to ask me - please- if something isn't clear. the info is coming, but it's coming slowly. ;)_**

xoxoxo


	5. Closer

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to Nic, sweetest._

* * *

"Are you sure it doesn't call for eggs?" Sue asks, resuming her stirring. "That doesn't seem right."

Scanning the recipe again, I shake my head. "No eggs. Angela said her mom makes these all the time."

"Okay…" Still sounding doubtful, she and Emily begin dropping spoonfuls of dough on to parchment lined cookie sheets. The counter top is scattered with baking supplies in yet another attempt to find the perfect chocolate chip cookies…according to Emily.

The rain finally let up last night, and a bleak sun struggles through the scattered clouds outside. Not a moment too soon, too. Some of the guys down at the reservation in La Push have been talking about a bonfire, and the plan was put in to motion just today.

While I'm not fully sold on the idea of being outside at night, the fact is that I'll be with a bunch of friends. It doesn't hurt that I'll be in a place far enough from my home that I tend to feel safe whenever I'm there.

Jake and Sam work at a local mechanic's and Leah and I have been stopping by after work, some days staying until it's dark. Things are friendly between Jake and me, but I've been forgoing one on one time with him for the group dynamic instead. I see the way he looks at me, but it's easier to pretend I don't.

I watch Sue and Emily for awhile longer, their closeness making me miss my own mother. Renee and I email all the time, and we talk once a week on the phone, but we'd been extremely close back in Phoenix. She's flaky and kind of a space cadet, but she's the only mother I've got and I love her.

"All right, honey, these have to bake for twelve minutes," Sue says, sliding the cookies in to the oven. "Right, Bella?"

"Right," I agree, standing up. "I'm going to take a shower…Leah wants to leave soon."

In the shower, I soak, scrub and shave. There's just a drop left of my favorite shower gel, and I use it sparingly, taking deep, wet breaths as I do. Vestiges of nostalgia flicker through me, making me remember last summer. Edward loved the way this stuff smelled, the way it lingered on my skin way long after I'd bathed.

For a moment I close my eyes, remembering his mouth, his hands, and his skin. The way he smelled, the warmth of his body, the husky way he laughed when he wanted me. There is no way that he has left this earth, because if he had, I would surely have sensed it.

* * *

"You ready?" Leah's sitting on my bed, watching me get dressed.

I slide my arms through a black cardigan, and then a jacket. It's going to be even colder down on First Beach than it is here. "Just about."

"Well, hurry. We have to stop by the store, don't forget."

"Okay, okay, I'm ready." I grab my bag and follow her out the door.

We stop at Thriftway to get chips and dip before heading out of town and down to La Push. There are loads of cars in the parking lot by the beach, but Leah manages to find a space up near Sam's truck. Actually, he probably told everyone else to back off so he could save it for her.

The first thing I see when we step on to the freezing beach is Jake, knocking back a bottle of whiskey. My heart sinks, because I hate the way he acts when he's wasted. Some people are fine when they drink, but not Jake. He's a completely different person.

Knowing he wants more from me than friendship makes me especially nervous. I vow to be Leah's shadow all night, Sam or no Sam.

Jake spots us and jogs over, his bare feet kicking up sand.

"Bells," he cries, picking me up and swinging me around.

I glare at Leah from over Jake's shoulder until she punches him in the arm. "All right, dude, let her down. You're like an excited puppy," she says.

Quil and Embry, two younger kids I recognize from La Push, laugh as they pass by. "Yeah, don't be such a _dog,_ Jake," Quil snorts.

"All of you can shut up now," says Jake, setting me carefully down.

Taking a step back, I wrap my arms around myself and look around. Mostly everyone is hanging out around the bonfire, laughing and talking. The comforting smell of burning wood tickles my nose, tempting me closer.

"I'm gonna go find Sam," Leah says.

"Don't leave me with Jacob," I whisper, staying by her side. "He's already acting up."

Shaking her head, she urges me along. "I know. Sam said he's taking your rejection pretty hard."

"_What?" _I gasp, dismayed. How on earth did things get so crazy? My life was so mellow – dull, even – before moving to Forks. Now it's non-stop dramarama. "He… where is he getting this?"

Leah sighs heavily. "Let's just say his feelings for you run a little deeper than what's typical."

I'm still racking my brain, thinking over past conversations and interactions, trying to figure out how Jake even got to this point. "Well, he needs to get over it before he wrecks our friendship."

"I know, and Sam told him that…but…" she trails off as Sam comes in to view. I swear if I looked closely enough I'd see hearts dancing in her eyes, the way she looks at him. The way they look at _each other_.

He pulls her in for one of their epic kisses and I look away, self conscious of both their intimacy and my alone-ness.

"Hey, Bella," Sam says after a moment, touching my arm. Any traces of the angry Sam I saw last week are completely gone.

"Hi, Sam."

"Jake bothering you?" he asks, eyeing me as he takes a sip from his bottle of water.

He must've seen Jake's dramatic greeting. "It's okay," I lie.

"Not really," gripes Leah. "You need to talk to him again."

"Lee." He frowns at her. "It'll work itself out. Anyway, I have to bring more wood to the fire…"

"I can help," I offer, but Sam's already shaking his head.

"Nah, you guys go relax with the others. I'll be right over."

* * *

A silver sliver of moon rests low in the sky. I've been watching its journey all night, from one end of the sky to the other. That's how late it is.

Only a few of us are left huddling around the dying embers. Jake's sobered in to a deep sulk. He's sitting a ways from the group, staring sullenly out to sea. We haven't talked too much tonight, mainly because I was avoiding him. Biting my lip, I wander over to him and sit. The sand is so cold it feels damp, making me shiver.

"Hey," I say, pulling my knees to my chest.

He nods once, his eyes still averted. It's obvious he's nervous, and even though I'm annoyed with him, I also feel for him. He's one of my best friends, and I hate knowing that the source of his angst is me.

"What's wrong?"

"What _isn't_ wrong?" he asks, laughing bitterly. "An animal lives inside my skin and if I get too upset he comes out. It hurts like hell. Meanwhile, the girl that I love can't stand me."

I stay quiet, hoping that he'll either retract his statement or clarify it. He's being extra maudlin tonight, no doubt leftover from his drinking binge earlier.

He opts for the latter. "I didn't choose this, Bella. It's not something I can control."

"How long have you felt this way?" I blurt out. "We were so good as friends…"

"Were?"

"Are. We are good as friends. The best." I squeeze his hand, but then I let go. He takes everything I do so differently these days. "But that's all it is, Jake. You think you love me, but you don't."

"Don't tell me how I feel," he says.

"Can you see why this is uncomfortable to me?" I ask, a little desperately. "I miss how things were before. It was always so easy between us…"

Jake chews his thumbnail, something he does when he's nervous. "I've been learning more about our tribe, and those of us that can shift. We share certain characteristics."

I nod, grateful for what seems to be a change of subject. "Like what?"

"Like, I'm warmer than I used to be."

"Well, you always did run kind of hot—"

"Feel." He holds out his arm, and for the first time I notice that he isn't wearing a jacket or even a sweatshirt. Tentatively, I reach out to touch his skin.

He's burning up.

I withdraw my hand slowly. "What else?"

"I'm hungry. All the time." He cracks a grin. "And before you say anything, smartass, I mean hungrier than usual."

Chuckling quietly, I trace a finger through the sand. "That's not so bad, I guess."

"And we," he pauses. "We mate for life."

Now that's something you don't hear every day. Frowning, I look slowly up at him. "That's…an interesting choice of words."

"It is what it is."

"Monogamy's good," I joke weakly.

"It's more than that. It's like this… urge to be with her, always. Like I'd do anything for her, anytime. It's this knowing, deep down, that we're meant to be together." Jake looks at me, his gaze so intense that I feel pinned by it. "They say we feel it the moment we see our mate for the first time, but it's different with you and me, Bella. Because I wasn't always this way…wasn't always able to shift. But as soon as I could, I fell for you. It's you. I know it is."

I want to leave, to run away far away from him, from this impossibility. But at the same time, I don't want to hurt Jake any more than he already is. "But what about me?" I ask. "Wouldn't I know if I was your mate?" It feels weird even to say.

"You will," he says, growing visibly excited.

My stomach lurches, and I jump to my feet. Enough is enough. I thought that Jake and I could continue to spend time together while he went through his changes, but he's acting delusional, very unlike his usual, silly but practical self. Being around him brings me nothing but discomfort. It's clear we need space. A lot of it.

Jake gets up too, his eyes glowing as they reflect what's left of the bonfire, a few feet away.

"I care for you Jake, but…" Breathing deeply, I struggle to choose the most prudent words. "But not the way you think you care for me. You're scaring me right now…maybe even more than the night you shifted in front of me."

For a minute, he looks like he might say something in response. And then, before I realize what's happening, he's holding me so tightly it's difficult to breathe. He pushes his lips against mine, moaning.

I don't know this person.

Some primal sense of preservation kicks in, and I react, bringing my knee up at the same time I shove him away. We're too close, though, so I can't do much. Gasping, he grips me tighter, and I don't know if it's from love or fear that I try kneeing him again.

Adrenaline courses through me, and the need to get away intensifies. Leaning back, I punch him as hard as I can, but I think it hurts me more than it does him. He finally lets go.

I stumble back on the sand, but Leah is suddenly behind me, catching my fall.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she screams at Jake. Sam appears, looking livid as he yanks Jake down the beach. I wonder if it's because of Jake's actions, or because, once again, he was telling me secrets.

"Are you okay?" cries Leah. "What happened?"

She tries to see my hand, which I'm cradling against my body. "No," I say, wincing. "He…he tried to kiss me. I just told him for the tenth time that I didn't feel the same way and he completely ignored it."

"Son of a bitch," Leah says. "I'm telling his father. He should know…"

"I'm sure Charlie will speak to Billy once he sees this," I say. My hand hurts like hell, and it's quickly swelling up.

"I'm taking you to the emergency room," Leah says, when she sees my hand in the fire light.

"No, just take me home. All I need is ice."

* * *

Leah takes me anyway, calling Charlie and Sue on the way despite my protests. The emergency room is pretty quiet, even for a small town like Forks, and by the time my father shows up my hand is tightly bound. Nothing's broken, but I sprained my wrist and a finger. I'm prescribed medication for the pain and swelling, and told not use the hand for a week.

Charlie's not too worried, as this is far from my first injury, but when we explain the circumstances, he turns bright red.

"Wait, Jake did this?"

"No. I did it while punching his face."

Halting in the middle of the hospital parking lot, he stares at me, shocked. "Why? What did he do?"

Leah grunts. "He's a pervert, is what he is."

"He… forced himself on you?" Charlie seems caught between rage and disbelief, and I suddenly feel awful for him. Billy is one of his very best friends, and Jake's like a son to my dad.

"Not quite," I say. "He tried to kiss me after I'd explicitly told him I didn't want that with him. He's been way too intense lately, Dad. It's freaking me out."

"He should know not to kiss a girl without her permission, Bella," he says.

"Exactly…which is why I hit him."

"She almost kneed him in the balls too, Charlie," Leah pipes up.

"Atta girl," Charlie says, rubbing my back. "Looks like Jacob and I need to have a little talk."

It's dawn by the time we leave the hospital, early Saturday morning. At home, I fall asleep minutes after hitting the bed. It's the first time in a long time I don't feel the cold.

I miss it.

* * *

The day after the bonfire, Charlie goes down to the res before work to talk to both Billy and Jake. I don't see him until dinner. He doesn't offer any information, and I don't ask. I just baby my hand and pop pills to stymie the pain.

Jake doesn't even bother calling me, and I'm glad.

Sam comes over for dinner on Saturday night. I can tell he feels bad about my hand, almost guilty, although I don't know why. It's not like he did anything, yet I get the impression he feels responsible for Jake.

Still feeling exhausted from Friday's all-nighter, I opt out of watching movies with the rest of the family and head to bed. My medication makes me even sleepier, and I pass out not long after my head hits the pillow.

Dreams of running through the woods again.

My feet fly so fast they hardly touch the ground. I don't know if I'm running from something or toward it, but there's urgency.

And then it's cold, and dark, the light filtering through the trees extinguished by sudden nightfall.

I wake up shivering.

I wake up outside.

* * *

My eyes flutter open, feeling sandpapery. It's morning, and I feel like I haven't slept at all. I remember last night with terrifying clarity, and I know that it wasn't a dream despite that a mattress is beneath me now, not hard earth and leaves. Needing proof of what I already know, I examine the bottoms of my feet. Sure enough, mud smudges my toes. There's grass on the floor by my bed.

What's frustrating, and scary, is that I can't recall how I got outside in the first place, and then back inside. I'm not one to sleepwalk, never have been.

There's a thump on my door. "Leaving in half an hour," Leah calls, her voice fading as she walks away.

My job at the bookstore is not exactly difficult, but it does require the use of both hands so Monday's a very frustrating day. Instead of running the cash register or shelving new stock, I'm relegated to the back office to deal with internet orders. Despite the fact that we're the only bookstore around for miles, there aren't that many orders for the day and I finish quickly.

Busy work makes for good day dreaming, only I don't want to think right now. I have no choice though: my dream from the night before, and the way I woke up in the woods before blacking out again, keeps looping through my mind.

Drumming the fingers of my good hand on the desk, I contemplate whether I should stay or leave early. It's been a while since I lunched at the diner. I'm about to get up when Jake's words from our talk on tribal lore come back to me. Quickly, I access Google's homepage and type in a couple of phrases I think might yield the answers I'm looking for.

There's more information than I expected, articles and websites about the local Quileute's, their traditions and stories. The predators Jake told me about, the Cold Ones, sound like... people. Really weird, creepy people. Zombies? That's a little absurd, even for this. I do another search, more specific to the Cold Ones this time, and almost choke on my gum when the new results pop up.

Vampires.

I almost want to laugh, it's so ridiculous, but the more I read, the more I realize how accurate some of it sounds. Things that Jake has told me, that I've sensed… it's all coming together. And then it's just scaring me: the way they hunt, often stalking their prey.

By the time I'm done, it's four o'clock. Leah still has about an hour left at the diner, so I pack up my stuff and let the store owner, Rachel, know I'm heading out.

Other than a group of tables pushed together in the back, the diner is quiet. Leah's leaning against the counter, chatting with one of the cooks, when I walk in. She straightens when she sees me, motioning me over.

"Off early?"

Nodding, I take a seat at the counter.

"Want some pie? There's a little pecan left. I know you love the whipped cream, the way Mrs. Crowley infuses it with cinnamon and…" she stops abruptly. "What's with you? You look like you've seen a ghost."

_Funny you should say._

I shrug, staring at the counter top. It's one of the few features they never replaced, and I'm glad. The glittery Formica reminds me of summer afternoons spent with my father.

Leah eases in to the chair beside me. "Bella."

"I did a search on the Cold Ones," I whisper. "An internet search. At the bookstore."

"And?"

I glance up at Leah, whose face is nowhere near as impassive as her voice.

"Vampires, Lee? Really?"

She sighs and shakes her head. "This is why –"

"I know, I know. Why I'm not supposed to know any of this crap. But I do know…and I think I deserve to, seeing as these things might be stalking me right now," I say.

Leah stands and unties her apron.

"What are you doing?"

"We're going home," she says. "Do you want pie for the road?"

As if pie solves the world's problems. "Fine."

In the car, Leah and I eat as we drive. "So, I talked to Jake this morning," she says.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. He's pretty torn up about last Friday."

Shrugging, I continue watching the green scenery blur by. I'm so over his crap. "He was drunk."

"He knows he crossed a line. I guess Charlie told him not to come by for awhile. Billy was pissed, too." She sighs. "I wouldn't normally defend him, Bella, but he's going through a lot right now."

I turn to her. "You're right. You wouldn't normally defend him. And I'm going through a lot right now, too."

"No, I mean he's going through a lot physically. It's really, really hard for him to control his temper. He's not proud of it. It took Sam a long time to learn." She glances at me. "Me too."

My heart starts pounding as the pieces fall in to place. Things I should've realized but probably denied because they were just too difficult to stomach.

"When?"

"When did I start shifting?"

I nod.

"Earlier this year. Sam started before I did… it happens when vampires are close by, and a pair of them happened to pass through."

"What happened?" I ask. I'm gripping my plastic fork so hard it's cracked now.

"It was a girl and a guy. We chased them out, end of story. Or so we thought. Jake's change, along with Quil, Paul and Embry's makes Sam think they're back. Maybe not the same two, but…"

"So I'm not crazy," I breathe, settling back. "There is something in the woods."

Leah nods. "It's one of the reasons Sam and I came back early."

No longer hungry, I pack away the remainder of my pie. "I wish you'd told me."

"But can you see why we couldn't? This kind of stuff is not for the faint of heart."

"Does Charlie know?"

Leah shakes her head. "Not yet."

"But your mom does," I surmise. "Must suck for her to keep something like that from him."

"Well, we never thought it would happen again… the last time we had a problem with vampires our grandparents were children."

"So what now?" I ask.

"I don't know, really. I'm surprised there haven't been any attacks –" she looks guiltily at me.

I narrow my eyes. "But there was an attack. Mine."

We're home. Leah parks and turns off the car. "Bella…that wasn't a Cold One attacking you."

The air in the car is charged. Barely breathing, I try to brace myself for whatever she's going to tell me.

"It wasn't an attack at all. It was Jake. He thought he saw something in your room."

* * *

_Late last May and early June_

Edward and I had been out on several dates, a few of which had been with other couples. I couldn't remember the last time I'd had so much fun. He'd taken me hiking through the Hoh Rainforest, to the movies in Port Angeles, roller skating at a rink just outside Seattle, and to the Space Needle downtown.

Honestly, though, even if we'd stayed in Forks and done nothing but chat over coffee at the diner, I would have enjoyed myself. Our time together was filled with laughter and flirting so heavy I felt it bouncing from my heart to my stomach, sometimes tingling out to my fingertips. He made my head spin, and I wanted to be around him all the time.

He still hadn't kissed me, but I was okay with it. I mean, I wanted it – badly – but I was beginning to see that Edward was a bit of an old soul in many ways. He was passionate, but considerate, too, wanting to take things slow.

Edward was really close to his parents, and so I got to know them pretty early on in the relationship. Instead of a scary "meet the parents" type of ordeal, his father grilled steak and potatoes in the backyard while his mother plied us with Sangria she'd made that afternoon. It was easy to see where Edward got his sense of humor – his dad, whose giggle was contagious – and his love of learning and academia was obviously picked up from his mom.

"Are they always this nice?" I laughed, following Edward up the stairs.

"To my friends? Yeah. They're pretty easy going unless I get in trouble or something." He reached back and grabbed my hand, pulling me down the hallway. "They're just glad I'm home."

"Empty nest syndrome?" I asked. He was an only child, like me, except my dad had Emily now too.

"Yup."

He opened the door to his room. "So… this is me."

I stepped inside, breathless at the view. Never before had I seen a bedroom like this, with one entire wall made completely of glass. It looked like we could step through and jump into the trees just beyond.

"Wow," I said, touching the glass.

"I know… this is one of the reasons my parents bought the house. Their bedroom is a lot like this."

He had shelves and shelves of music, movies and books. I walked slowly alongside, running my fingertips over the titles.

"Do you want to watch something?" he asked, linking our fingers.

An ache of desire washed over me, along with something sweeter. Intense _like_. I'd do anything he wanted to do, so long as I could spend some more time with him. "Sure."

It was late when we finally settled down enough to watch _The Godfather_, and later still by the time it finished. We'd had grand ideas about a movie marathon but there we were, half asleep after the first one. Edward was sprawled across the bed, his head in my lap. Fighting the sleepiness trying to pull me down, I ran my fingers through his hair, wanting to just stay indefinitely.

Unfortunately, I had to pee.

Upsetting our cozy arrangement, I leaned down, whispering. "Hey."

Edward looked up at me, half asleep himself.

"I have to go to the bathroom."

"Okay." He yawned, sitting up.

By the time I came back, he was propped against the headboard. He'd turned the television off, and the room was still. His eyes were half closed again, and he looked sleepy. "It's late," he said, smiling.

I sighed. At least I had the ride back to my house to look forward to.

"Yeah…we should probably get going," I said, dawdling near the doorway. A framed picture of a much younger Edward hung on the wall there, and I peered at it in the dim light. Apparently he'd never gone through an awkward stage.

He put his hand on the bed, patting the spot beside him. "C'mere."

Swallowing, I walked over to him and sat down, close enough that I could feel his body heat. He ran his hand over my mine, stopping to hold it. How did he stay so calm? I was brimming over with the need to just kiss him already. I felt him watching me, so I looked up. We smiled at each other. Inclined our heads a little bit.

Once, twice, he leaned closer but stopped. It occurred to me that he _was_ nervous, after all. Maybe as much as I was. It didn't matter that he was the best looking boy I'd ever seen, or that he had a life full of friends and laughter and money.

There had been boys, but I had never _really_ been kissed, not with tongue and never with someone that I really liked. But I ignored that, ignored the way my heart was pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears, and scooted closer.

I kissed him, very softly, and paused, staring at his mouth. He kissed me back; only he didn't stop, enkindling me with a sigh of pleasure and the stroke of his tongue. Pulling me closer, he grasped my hip with one hand while he laid me down with the other. It was like he'd been waiting for this to be okay; I could feel the intent in his kiss. Breathing came easier. We relaxed in to each other, in to the rhythm of making out.

My senses were confused, it was all so much. I tasted his scent and smelled his touch and felt his sounds, so much so that I closed my eyes and focused on just his mouth and mine.

It was even more delicious than I'd hoped it would be.

* * *

_**can i just say i have the most perceptive, fascinating, fun readers? i love hearing what you have to say, so please let me know your thoughts. ;)**_

_**one thing, off topic: the original Fandom Gives Back charity is coming around again. i'm writing an EPOV from starry eyed inside for the compilation, so donate! i will keep you updated.**_

_**** twilighted thread (thanks, nkubie)- http : / www(dot)twilighted (dot) net/forum/ viewtopic(dot)php?f=33&t=18931&st=0&sk=t&sd=a **_

_**(remove spaces etc)**_


	6. Real

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thank you, nic. i love you more than nutella straight from the jar._

* * *

For a long time we sit in the car, stuck in the aftermath of Leah's words. My eyes flicker to the forest, no more than twenty feet from where we're parked. The trees are dead today, absolutely still in the absence of wind.

My stomach rolls over, and for a second I think I might actually get sick.

"Quite a secret you've been keeping, there," I say eventually.

In my peripheral, I see her nod. I can tell from the grim line of her mouth that she feels badly, but there's also this sense of relief to her posture, like she's glad the secret's finally out.

"So Jake's the reason my arms look like this. The reason I don't sleep under that window anymore. The reason I've been scared out of my damn mind!" My voice raises until it breaks, and I rip open the car door.

"Bella."

Her voice is calm. I'm anything but, and I keep moving.

"Bella! Damn, just hold up!" She grabs my arms and drags me to the tree line. I haven't been this close to it in months, and just being there makes me shudder involuntarily. "I know! I know. It sucks. Why do you think he hasn't stepped foot here since? As soon as Sam found out he forbade Jake to come back."

"Well, I told him not to come back for awhile, after seeing him shift for the first time."

"What?" She laughs humorlessly. "He's crazy about you…he would have come back whether you liked it or not." She drops my hand. "_Especially_ if he thought something was hanging around your house. Your room."

"And said what, 'hey Bella, there's a vampire in your room?'"

"You probably wouldn't have even known he was around."

"Jake's a creeper. Great," I huffed. "So what happened, then? Did he change his mind?"

"What do you mean?"

"About what he saw? Why is this the first that I'm hearing about it?" I swallow, hard. "What if something _had_ been there?"

"There was nothing. Sam and I checked it out."

"But how would you know?"

"Human blood gives vampires this smell. It's disgustingly sweet… like rotting fruit."

"Ugh." I've never smelled anything like that around the house or outside, but then again…I'm no wolf-girl.

"Yeah, exactly. And besides, I've been keeping an eye out since. Sometimes we patrol the woods at night."

This is news. "Really?"

"Mainly at La Push, but one or two of us usually hang out here."

"Every night?" I ask. I don't know if the thought makes me feel safer, or if it freaks me out even more.

She shakes her head. "Not every night. But most."

"So then…what do you think Jake saw? Because I think I'd know if something like that was actually in my room."

"To be honest, I don't know. Jake's…not himself lately. He's been really intense – as you can see – and a lot of that has to do with the fact that the hormones and chemicals pumping through his body right now are new and unchecked." Leah pauses, and I can tell she's trying hard to explain something that's virtually unexplainable. "This thing with you doesn't help, either. I think one of the reasons we imprint is to provide a natural balance to the aggression and danger we experience. I mean, obviously it's about ensuring that we survive as a race, but… it's more than that."

I let her words sink in. "You think that, because Jake's feelings for me are unrequited, he's losing touch with reality?"

"A little bit."

"That's…a lot to put on me," I say.

Too much. I feel as if I'm being torn in half; my feelings for a missing boy, and another's boys feelings for me.

"Hey." Leah puts her hand on my arm and starts leading the way to the house. "I know it feels that way, but you can't take it on. Seriously. It's his deal, and it _will_ pass. No matter how much Jake thinks he's imprinted on you, how much he wants to think he has, he hasn't. Personally, I think he probably liked you from before, and it grew from there. He can't possibly know what it's like, because it hasn't happened for him yet. The rules don't change for one person."

At this point, I choose to believe what Leah, and probably the rest of the tribe-minus-Jake, think. It lines up best with how I feel, what I know in my heart is true. I don't doubt that Jake loves me. But am I the one for him? No.

As horrifying as it is that he was the one who crashed in to my window, hurting me in the process, and then basically lied by omission afterward, I understand now. No matter how misguided, he did it to protect me. I can't hate him for that.

My mind is racing as Leah and I go inside. One on hand, I've found some measure of peace in knowing the truth about that night, as well as what I'm going to do from now on with regard to Jake. (Ignore him until his insanity passes.) Still, there's the feeling of being watched, no matter how much I try and ignore it. Leah says wolves sometimes patrol, but they can't be everywhere all the time.

And then there's Edward.

Always, always Edward. Not knowing what happened to him, if he's alive or dead, eclipses everything else.

* * *

I'm running in the woods.

It's freezing cold, like autumn or even winter, made colder by how fast I'm going, so fast my feet barely touch the forest floor. It's like flying.

And then, stillness. Floating, maybe.

_I love you_

_I love you, too_

_Do you?_

Sadness seeps in. It's different. I normally find peace in this dream.

_I do_

_Then why aren't you here?_

_You'll hate me_

Gasping, I wake up. I'm trembling so hard it hurts.

Across my room, the curtains flutter softly.

* * *

Charlie's been watching me all morning.

Leah's still in the shower, and Sue left a while ago to take Emily to school, so it's just us. Normally I'd make him omelettes on a morning like this, but with my hand still jacked up, that's not happening. Instead I set some scones and coffee down in front of him – his second cup – and pause. "What's up?"

"How's your hand?" he asks, sipping cautiously.

Shrugging, I hold it up for him to see. "It's okay, I guess. Hurts a little."

"But better?"

"Definitely."

"Good." He nods, picking his paper up again.

"Was that all?" I chuckle quietly. Even after all these years, my father is still such a mystery sometimes.

"Can't I check up on my kid?" he teases, regarding me over top the paper.

"Of course you can." I feel like hugging him, so I do. He stiffens, but then slides one arm around me and squeezes.

"Just want to make sure you're doing okay. Two visits to the hospital in so short a time are a little much."

He's right, obviously, and yet I didn't think about it like that before. The late night staff down at Forks Community Hospital must think I'm cursed.

Or just really klutzy.

Sometimes I feel bad for my Dad. All he wants to do is protect me, and yet between Edward and Jake I keep managing to get hurt.

It's raining again, so I grab an umbrella on my way out the door. Leah pushes my door open from the driver's seat, and I quickly slide inside her car. Sue returns as we back out, waving to us from her car.

Leah yawns as I hand her a cup of coffee and one of the leftover breakfast scones. "Sleep okay last night?"

"I slept okay." Frowning, I break a piece off of my own scone. "Why?"

"Sometimes you talk in your sleep. You know that, right?"

I shake my head slowly.

"Anyway, it… it sounded like you were crying. I came in to check on you, but you were asleep. It was weird."

Normally, my dreams start to fade the second I'm awake, but now, thinking back to last night, bits of my dream begin to return to me. It wasn't a happy head trip, I know that much, but it wasn't a nightmare, either.

"I think I dreamt of Edward," I say, blowing on my tea.

Leah winces with understanding.

"I don't know," I say. "It was weird…we were talking, but I couldn't see his face. I… I don't think this is the first time I've had dreams like this."

"What were you guys talking about?"

Closing my eyes, I try to recall the dream more specifically, but it remains just out of reach. Maybe that's for the better. I know it was sad, and I don't need to be depressed today. I appreciate Leah wanting to know, I really do, but maybe I need to just keep a dream journal next to my bed or something.

* * *

As usual, things are slow at the bookstore. My hand is feeling a bit better, and there are no orders to deal with on the computer, so Rachel puts me back on the register. By the time she leaves for lunch, just a handful of people have come in. At times I wonder how she manages to stay in business. The store was given to her by her grandparents, so everything is paid for, but it can't be cheap to keep the place up.

For a moment I'm tempted to go to the back anyway, and snoop around the internet for more information about the Quileutes and the Cold Ones, but I decide against it. In a way, Leah's told me everything I need to know.

A gust of air blows through the stillness, and up front, the little bell on the door dings just once. I glance up, expecting to see someone, but no one's there.

Must've been the wind. It's picking up again.

I'm about to start reading the book I brought when, inexplicably, that _feeling_ washes over me. The hair on the back of my neck stands up.

I'm not alone, I know it.

"Rachel?" I call out. Maybe she slipped in, and that was why the bell rang?

There's no answer, and if I'm honest with myself, I didn't expect one. My stomach clamps in on itself nervously. Biting my lip, I reach for the phone. Leah's at the diner, and Charlie's down at the police station, where he still works and volunteers when things are slow at the Inn. The downtown area of Forks is small; either of them could be here in minutes.

That might not be enough time.

But enough time for _what? _Breathing deeply, I try to slow my racing heart. I want so badly to convince myself that I've got nothing more than a case of the creeps, but after talking to Leah and Jake, I know it could be more.

"Rachel?" I call again. "Hello?"

Stepping from behind the counter, I walk the small, narrow aisles. There is nothing, no one, but then again I'm not sure what, or whom, I expected to find. I don't know what's more exhausting: feeling that I'm being watched and trying to convince myself I'm not, or knowing that I probably am.

Gritting my teeth, I return to the counter. This is getting ridiculous; normally I don't get this jumpy until Halloween, when every other movie on TV is a slasher flick. The bell on the door tinkles quietly and I spin around angrily, wondering if I'm being toyed with.

But it's just Jake.

Surprised, I open my mouth to speak but he beats me to it. "Where's Rachel?" he asks, scowling.

Resigned to the ongoing craziness that has become my life, I sigh loudly. "Hi, Jake."

Quicker than I've ever seen him move, he's everywhere at once, like he's looking for someone. Kind of like I was doing before he came in. Only he looks crazy. "Is she here? Are you by yourself?"

Now he's scaring me. Maybe there is something here, after all. I know better than to ignore my instincts.

"No…yes," I whisper. My palms hurt, and I realize I'm clenching my fists so tightly that I'm nearly drawing blood. Little scarlet half circles glow from my skin.

Jake looks up suddenly, and then he's gone. I watch as he jogs up the sidewalk and in to his car, which is idling on the curb. Within seconds he's gone, leaving me completely and utterly baffled. I'm reconsidering calling Leah after all when a glint of gold catches my eye. There, nestled between the extra change jar and a stack of pamphlets for poetry readings, is a small medallion. Even before examining it closely, I know what it is.

It's St. Christopher, the patron saint of travelers.

I gave it to Edward the night before he left.

* * *

This afternoon replays over and over in my head. Earlier, I decided to keep it to myself, and haven't spoken a word of it to anyone – not even Leah. Thankfully, the busy atmosphere at home this evening prevented anyone from noticing that I was being even more anti-social than usual. Instead of eating dinner together as a family, like we generally do, Sue and Charlie budgeted in the kitchen while Emily picked at a hot dog and finished her book report. Leah left with Sam soon after, saying they had tribe business to contend with. She promised she'd be back before it got too late, but I didn't bother waiting to see.

I wanted to be alone with my thoughts, anyway.

And now sleep won't come, not even after a bath and a dose of Motrin 800.

Instead I lay as still as I can in the dark, clutching the little medallion. I run my fingertips repeatedly over the surface, tears stinging my eyes as I feel the impression of St. Christopher's face.

Thousands of people have these. Maybe even millions. The chance of this being the same one I gave Edward is pretty slim… but not as slim as an identical one showing up in the store, in a spot I _know_ was empty minutes before.

The truth – what I _hope_ is the truth – whispers in my heart, and, against my better judgment, I listen to it. I'm desperate for it, and it's so much sweeter than the bitterness of believing Edward's gone. It's impossible, but then again so is everything else I'm dealing with right now. Finding this medallion was a gift, something to encourage my hope and faith in his return. It has to be.

I do the breathing exercises my mother taught me years back, during her yoga phase. _Inhale, exhale. Push all other thoughts away_. Eventually my eyes begin to close. The anxiety of the day drains out, leaving me mentally and emotionally exhausted until I feel like I'm hanging on to consciousness by the barest of threads. Drunk with drowsiness, I start to drift off.

_Are you there?_

Sudden, familiar awareness douses me with wakefulness like a bucket of cold water. Speaking of which, my room's an icebox. Or maybe it's just me; I have goose bumps. I'm awake, but this reminds me so much of recent dreams.

My phone blinks on with a late night text that I ignore – it's probably from Leah, telling me she's finally coming home. I see the time before it goes off again, surprised to see it's just past midnight. I guess I did sleep for awhile, though I could've sworn I'd just dropped off. Disoriented, I blink in this dark that seems soft, waiting for whatever woke me to reveal itself.

When I finally whisper, I don't even mean to. "Edward?"

Seconds pass, minutes.

The shadows around my curtains divide, and from them a figure materializes.

Fear and disbelief prickle hotly at my skin. Choking back a cry, I bolt up from my bed and scramble to the other side of it. My heart's a beat away from having an attack, it's going so fast.

He stops where he stands, his hesitation palpable.

I start toward him, but then Leah's and Jake's words and warnings about Cold Ones invade my thoughts, and I stop, too. My mind is not playing tricks on me; this is happening, this is real. But who…?

"Edward?" My voice trembles, catches.

He isn't real. _This_ isn't real.

But it is. His silhouette comes closer, and before the moonlight even catches his face I know it's him. His height, the way he walks. His hair. With a sob I fumble off the bed and go to him, stopping short of throwing myself in to his arms. Trembling, I touch his hand.

He's cold as a stone, and just as solid.

* * *

_Last June_

"You just don't seem the type," I said, rubbing my thumb back and forth over the intricate tattoo on Edward's forearm.

We were sitting on the bank of the river that ran behind his parent's property. The day was hot and humid, the sun playing peek-a-boo behind the clouds, so when Edward suggested swimming, I'd readily agreed. I hadn't been swimming outside like that since I was a kid. Back in Phoenix, my mother liked to go to the public pool, but that wasn't the same at all.

But then he'd pulled his shirt off, and I'd been distracted by the dark lettering on his bicep.

Well, that wasn't the only thing distracting me, but I chose to focus on it and not the way his bare skin made me want to lay down in the dirt and make out.

"Oh yeah? What's the type?" he laughed, kicking his sneakers off.

I hesitated, deciding I would just keep my shorts on. They were ratty old cutoffs, anyway. "I don't know. You're kind of clean cut," I said after a moment, shrugging.

"My Dad has the same one," he said. "We got them on my sixteenth birthday. My Mom almost killed him."

"He _definitely_ doesn't seem like the type," I snorted. Although, I supposed if I really thought about it, I could envision his silly, sweet and kind of dorky father doing something like that. Edward's parents were anything but typical, and they never failed to surprise me with their antics and stories. I actually loved being around them, maybe even loved them.

Edward held his hand out. "C'mon."

We waded in to the pale green water, moving slowly against the lazy current. It was cooler than it looked, and I shivered.

"There's nothing in here, right?" I asked, wishing there was something between my feet and the muddy river bottom.

"City girl," Edward teased, turning around and drawing me close. My tank top was soaked now, and it clung to me.

"Like you're a country bumpkin," I said, giving his arm a little pinch. "Mr. I-miss-Chicago-pizza."

It had been just two weeks, and yet, I felt like I'd always known him. People said things like that all the time, but now I knew what they meant; my life was now split into _before Edward_ and _after_. I hoped the after would never end, even when we had to go back to school at the end of summer.

When I wasn't helping out at the Inn, I was with Edward. He didn't have to work, so he was always available to hang out. We still went on dates, creative outings scattered all over the place, but we had a lot of down time too, watching movies and whispering beneath the stars late at night when the world was sleeping.

I barely even saw Angela anymore, but I knew she didn't mind. She and Ben were just as inseparable. The one time I tried to apologize for being M.I.A, she shushed me and told me this was what she'd wanted for me anyway.

"You'd miss that pizza too, if you'd ever had it," he said, his eyes flickering to my mouth.

My heart skipped. I could tell he was thinking about kissing me. I was _always_ thinking about kissing him.

Raising a dripping hand, I pushed Edward's hair from his face. He said he was getting a haircut soon, but secretly I liked it this way. "You'll just have to take me one day."

He nodded, and between his eyes and water, the grass and the trees, all I could see was green, green, green. His hands slid down, grasping my thighs so he could lift me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, buoyed by the water.

We kissed, lazy, long kisses that meandered one in to the other. He tasted like the Jolly Ranchers we'd been eating earlier. When we were like this, nothing else existed. I had nothing else to compare him to, but I imagined he was the best kisser, romantic and sexy.

After a while he shifted, letting me down gently. He was hard; I could feel it, and he knew I could. Edward always put the brakes on when things got too intense, and while it always initially disappointed me, I appreciated it, too. We had time, and I thought it was sweet that he didn't want to pressure me.

Not that I'd have minded if he maybe went for it, though. I wanted him so much that I probably could've overcome the self doubt, the typical teenage fear of sexual intimacy.

I'd never met anyone like him. The boys back in high school had always seemed like they were in such a hurry to get laid, even the nicer ones.

"So what does it mean?" I asked, squinting at the words tattooed on his arm.

He wiped a hand over his face. "'_Pertransit benefaciendo'_. It means 'he went about, doing good'. It's kind of been my father's motto since he started traveling with Doctors Without Borders."

"That's so perfect for him," I said. "Are you going to travel after med school, too? Helping people the way your parents do?"

He glanced down at the water. "Maybe even before."

"So this is totally appropriate for you, too," I said, squeezing his bicep.

"I hope so." He nodded. "I hope I can be half the man my father is." From anyone else a statement like that would sound trite, but Edward's words were painfully sincere. The love and admiration was real, and once again I was struck by how close he was to his parents. Their family dynamic was rare, something to be envied.

"You already are," I told him.

And he really was.

* * *

One of the good things about being out of high school was that Charlie had nixed my curfew. As long as I kept him abreast of my plans, he had no problem with me doing my own thing. Summer nights of sneaking out with Leah were a thing of the past.

Late night almost always found me at Edward's. Sometimes we played dominos, other times we watched TV, but regardless of how the night started, it always ended with us in bed, tangled and panting. More often than not Edward's shirt came off, but tonight so did mine. I thought we were finally going to go further…

He pulled away abruptly, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Immediately, my body craved the warmth of his, and I was so let down I wanted to cry. Why was he like this? All I wanted was to be as close to him as possible.

Taking a shaky breath, I turned my face, embarrassed.

"Hey," Edward whispered, gently grasping my chin so I'd look at him. "It's not like that, Bella."

"Then what is it like?" I asked, swallowing the lump in my throat. Already, every one of his actions invoked a visceral reaction from me. Every word was significant. I never thought I'd see the day when my well being seemed to hinge on another person, but there I was.

He sat up, pulling me with him. "It's not that I don't want to… because believe me, I do. I just… can't."

Frowning, I linked our fingers and squeezed. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," he chuckled. "It's really, really _right_."

I wasn't following. "So…"

"So sex is a big deal to me."

"It's a big deal to me, too," I whispered.

"You know… my mom saved herself for my dad…and he told me once that he wished he'd waited for her, too. I think about that sometimes."

There was a long, very loaded pause in the conversation. "Are you a virgin?" I bit my lip nervously.

"Yeah," he said, nodding.

_Unbelievable_. I gaped at him, looking at his lips, his chest. It didn't seem possible that someone who looked like _that_ could be a virgin. At the same time, though, it was a bit of a relief to know it wasn't me. This was something he'd decided before.

He smirked. "What? You don't believe me?"

"I do," I said. "I'm just shocked. You don't seem…"

"The type?" He made air quotes. "Just like I don't seem like the type to have this," he said, motioning to his tattoo. I sighed; he certainly was an enigma. The more I got to know him, the more I realized that he didn't fit in to neat little categories. I wondered briefly what clique he'd hung out with during high school and thought he'd probably been welcome in them all.

"I was just saying," I laughed, trying to lighten what had become a rather heavy discussion. "But you make a good point…"

"Have you…?" He cocked his head, searching me with his eyes.

"No."

"So what's the difference? I sense a double standard," he said, poking me in the ribs.

"Shut up," I giggled, grabbing his hands. He was right, of course. I guess I just wasn't used to guys like him.

"I'm not saying I want to wait until I'm married, but I want to be in love," he said, releasing me and lying down again. "I'm just not interested in casual sex."

While I knew he was simply being honest, his words pierced me. Chastened, I turned away. "This isn't casual to me."

"It's not casual to me, either." His fingers grazed my back, tickling and then tugging at my jeans. "C'mere."

My heart fluttered. That was his thing. _C'mere. _It usually meant, _let's kiss. _We lay on our sides, face to face.

"I'm falling in love with you," he said. "I think about you all the time."

His admission made my heart sing, made fireworks out of every cell in my body.

"Me too," I confessed, relieved that we could be real with each other this way.

"Then… I think we deserve to take it slow. You're worth the wait."

How could I fault him with rationale like that? Unfortunately, his romantic, considerate ways just made me want him even more.

What a conundrum. I sighed inwardly.

"You're worth it, too," I said, and I meant it. Something in me knew this could last.

Edward laughed, stroking the skin above the waistband of my jeans. "If we feel like this now, what's it going to be like once we have sex? I'll probably wanna marry you," he said, his eyes crinkling in amusement.

"Oh, really?" I rolled my eyes, but I loved it – and he knew that.

"Mm." He pulled me closer, kissing me.

"This is crazy."

"What is?"

"A little over a month ago we didn't even know each other."

"I know," he said, thumbing my cheek. "What'll it be like in another month?"

We kissed again, and he hitched my leg over his hip. I stiffened, not wanting to get carried away and then turned down. But as I was starting to see, Edward could read me pretty well.

"There are other things, Bella," he said, his breath warm in my ear. "Lots."

"Well then...show me."

* * *

_so. you guys continue to impress me and entertain me (titillate me!) with your reviews, theories and questions. thank you, thank you, thank you. i love interacting with you. no review replies this last time...maybe i'll get better with this chapter? idk. let's ask tiny tyrant._

_oh, and: __**http : / www(dot)twilighted (dot) net/forum/ viewtopic(dot)php?f=33&t=18931&st=0&sk=t&sd=a**_

_**(remove spaces etc)**_

_lastly...the** Season of Our Discontent **angst contest, of which i am a judge, has some truly amazing entries. like, i cried reading some of them. check it out. http: / www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/3142288/_

_and lastly-lastly, this year's** Fandom Gives Back** is doing a compilation instead of an auction. i'm participating by donating an EPOV oneshot from starry eyed inside._

**_xoxo_**


	7. Cry & Kiss

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic. you're my brand of heroin, js._

* * *

The moon lights Edwards face, and for a long time we stare at one another. Joy pumps through my body with every beat of my heart; I love him so much. I'd been right, hadn't I? Even when it was most unlikely, I'd known deep inside that he was still alive.

Yet, something is different. Later I'd think that this wasn't the reunion I'd once envisioned, happy and tearful, with lots of kissing. This is a different sort altogether, serious and weighted.

_Why won't he touch me?_

Slowly, I withdraw my hand. His eyes flicker to the movement and then back to me, but other than that he's so still he could be a statue. My heart continues at its breakneck speed, but now I'm not sure it's because Edward's finally with me, or because something seems off.

He…intimidates me a little.

But then he comes closer, and uses both of his thumbs to wipe the tears off my cheeks. I collapse against him, clutching his body to mine, ignoring the way he shouldn't feel. He's tentative, but he hugs me back. His body is different, but his touch is the same, and I revel in it. Tears run down my cheeks, even as I press my face to his chest.

"Don't cry," he whispers in to my hair, sending a rush of cold air against me. It's wrong, this frigidity when I know my Edward is warm in every sense of the word, but right now, I'll take what I can get. I'd rather be with him in a dream than live without him while awake.

But his voice does me in. Shaking my head, I start to cry, really cry, heavy sobs that leave me boneless. I'm so relieved to finally see him, and not just sense him, but the months of worrying and missing him are so overwhelming they're crushing. He picks me up and puts me back in my bed, pulling the quilt up over me. I grab at his hands as they retreat, pulling at him until he's sitting near me. Now that I've gotten him back, I don't want him far away. I try to get him to lie down, too, but he resists. He just holds my hands and sits there, probably waiting for me to calm down.

Eventually I do. I wiggle one hand free and move to turn on my lamp, but he gently squeezes my fingers. "No."

I sniffle. "Why?"

"No one can know I'm here."

"But why?"

"I think you know," he says, and there's this gravity to his whole persona I've never known before.

"I know that you were gone, and now you're back."

He pauses. "And what else?"

"And that…you've been…" I want to say "coming to my room" at night, but that seems so crazy. And yet, here he is – in my room, at night.

We fall silent. Outside, the wind rustles continuously through the trees as a light rain starts.

"I've missed you," I say. The words hardly seem sufficient, but they're a start.

"I've missed you too," he says quickly, earnestly.

Now that my eyes have started adjusting to the dark, the moonlight illuminates what I couldn't quite see before. He's so gorgeous, more so than he's ever been. What was once an incredibly handsome guy is now nearly god-like in beauty, even though it's hard for me to pinpoint the differences in the dark.

"Why –"

"Shh," he warns. In a second he's standing; in another, he's across the room.

I might still be groggy from sleep, but he's definitely moving inhumanly fast. As soundlessly as possible, I leave my bed to follow him, my stomach in knots at the thought of him disappearing again.

"Bella, no," he breathes. "Go back to bed. I'll…send for you. Tomorrow."

"Send for me?" I frown in the darkness. "What're you –"

He has me back in bed so fast my head spins. His lips hover above mine, sweet. "_Sleep."_

My arms ache to embrace him, but just like that, I fall asleep.

* * *

I lay very still, staring at the curtains.

Early light dapples through the trees outside before filtering through, illuminating my room with morning. Birds chirp, and somewhere inside the house, Emily's calling for her mother.

It's like last night never happened. And, while I know there's nothing to prove that Edward's visit was real, I know what I saw and felt. Like any sane person who knows the difference between dreams and reality, I just _know_. I have my memories, and perhaps most importantly, the hollow ache is gone from my middle.

He said he'd send for me, whatever that meant. I wonder when.

There's a knock at my door. "Twenty minutes, Bella. You oversleep again?" Leah, affectionately known as my alarm clock.

Yawning, I ease out of bed and shuffle to the door. "I don't feel too good." I have no reason to play hooky, but there's no way I'm trapping myself at work after a night like the one I just had. The need to spend time with Edward, getting answers but also just being in his presence, takes precedent over all else, like I'll die if I don't see him. I need to know that he's all right, and for him to know I never gave up hope.

The door opens. "Oh no," Leah says, taking in my sleep-bedraggled appearance. "Were you up last night? I thought I heard you."

I panic for a second. "Yeah, for a bit…"

She nods knowingly. "I check up on you sometimes, you know. I worry about you."

Suddenly Edward's hasty departure makes sense. "Thanks, Lee. I'll be okay…but I think I need to rest up. I'm going to call Rachel and tell her I'm not coming in."

"Go ahead… I gotta finish getting ready." She walks back down the hall, sweeping her long, black hair into a ponytail. To my relief, she seems none the wiser. I wonder how Edward's been getting in and out without her knowing.

An hour later, Leah's left for work, Sue's at Emily's school for an honor roll assembly, Charlie is en route to the Hope Depot in Port Angeles, and I have the house to myself. I take a shower and dress quickly, but find myself lingering in front of my closet for the first time in ages.

_He likes… this one. _ The dark blue sweater. I peel off the one I'm wearing and slip the blue one on instead. Stare at myself in the mirror. Mess with my hair.

The fog that I've been under for the past few months has lifted; I feel alive.

I'm eating a bagel and checking my email when the instant messenger box pops up. We never used it much before, opting more for texts or phone calls, but it's him now.

_Are you there? _

Just like what he'd said last night. My stomach tenses anxiously.

_Yes._

_I looked for you at your job, but you weren't there._

A shiver runs through me. So it had been him yesterday, at the bookstore. _I called in sick._

_Are you okay?_

Both annoyed and endeared by his cluelessness, I shake my head. _I'm fine. I've been waiting for you._

His response is immediate. _Can you come by the house?_

_Your house?_

_Yeah_

_Okay_

_I'll leave the door open for you_

He logs off, and I waste no time in grabbing my car keys and leaving. I'm so nervous I can hardly breathe, but I manage to make it to the Masen's house with no problem. Parking in their driveway releases a slew of memories, and for a moment I'm immobilized by the enormity of what I'm doing.

Edward's inside this house, waiting for me. Just like old times. He's not dead or missing. He's here.

As if he hears me, he appears in the doorway of his home, wearing the same jeans and jacket he had on the night before. Not wanting to waste another second, I jump out of my truck and walk toward him. The house is the same, classy and regal as ever, but signs of abandonment mar the once lovely yard. It pains me to see the overgrown grass and barren flower beds.

"Hey," I say, once we're close. It's odd: Edward was never tan, but now his once creamy skin has a pearlescent pallor, devoid of any color at all. It's disconcerting as it is beautiful. Even from the driveway, his allure is so strong that I feel it through and through, like a chemical coursing through my veins.

He smiles a little and motions me inside. His house is basically the same way it was when I left it last, only now it smells of stale air and dust. Many of the windows opening up to the forest are closed, covered by blinds or thick, heavy drapery.

Edward turns from locking the front door and runs right in to me, where I am waiting to finally kiss him. I cup his face and tug him close, but he wrenches away so quickly that I stumble. Humiliation and confusion flood through me. My face is tomato-red; I can feel it.

_Oh, God, please tell me he still loves me._

"Bella," he says, his voice hoarse.

I wrap my arms around myself, remembering the months of aloneness.

He steps in front of me, finally looking at me dead on. I gasp, staring up at him. It was too dark last night, but now, in the light, his eye color's hazel, not the bright green I know so well. Alarmed, I step back, telling myself it's to see more clearly when really I don't even know. He's nothing like he used to be, and it's breaking my heart.

"Are you wearing contacts?" I blurt.

He shakes his head, and then offers his hand. Still burned by his rejection of my kiss, I bite my lip and stare at him. It's hard to keep up with him, with this.

"Please," I beg. "What's happened?"

"Come upstairs."

"No!" I cry. "Stop messing around, Edward! You broke my heart when you went missing… and now that you're back you're being all cryptic and weird. I don't even know you. Tell me now or I'm leaving." I'm bluffing, of course. Desperate and upset as I feel, I'd still do anything for him, and he probably knows this.

"I…I will tell you. I promise. But it's a long story, and I really just want to be with you right now, okay?" He runs his hands through his hair, and the gesture is so familiar that it breaks my walls right down again.

"Okay," I whisper, taking his hand.

He leads me upstairs, down the hall and in to his room. I'm reminded of the first time he brought me here, how light and sweet things were, how simple. I sit on the edge of the bed as Edward locks the door, although I'm not sure why. There's no one else here – not that I'm aware of, anyway.

"Are you sick?" I ask, taking in his pale skin, the dark circles smudged beneath his eyes.

He chuckles humorlessly. "I suppose you could say that."

I put my purse on the floor and draw my feet up on to the bed. "Will you be okay? How long have you been home?" A thought hits me so hard it nearly takes my breath away. I swallow back the sudden lump in my throat. "I heard about your parents. I'm so, so sorry, Edward."

He nods, and his eyes are so sad I feel tears of my own burning behind my lids.

I want nothing more than to comfort him, so I go to him. Cautiously, I hug him, trying to convey nothing more than my sympathy and affection.

"Oh, God," he groans, suddenly gripping me.

Startled, I jump a little. "What?"

"Your smell… you smell so good." He runs his nose along my neck and then pulls away, facing the window.

Something awful happened to him in Brazil. I know that, obviously, but it's got to be worse than anything I can come up with because he seems almost traumatized. The days of him pulling back from having sex seem so distant – now he's pulling away from even basic hugs and kisses. Regardless of my own pain, I want to be a source of comfort for him, so I go back to the bed and sit down.

"Remember the time we spoke? On the phone?" he says.

I nod.

"Well, right after that the group we were traveling with went deep in to the Amazon, to a series of moderately remote villages. Sometimes we were welcomed, other times not, but it was pretty incredible. I couldn't stop taking pictures. It was so beautiful there, unlike anything I'd ever experienced. And it's hard to explain, but I felt like I was fulfilling my purpose, you know? Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be." Pausing, he sighs deeply. "I had all of these things for you. Pictures. Bracelets, neat rocks and gems I found… they're gone now. I lost it all…afterward."

He looks out the window, staring silently, like he's remembering.

"It happened so fast," he says. "One minute my Dad was teasing my mother's attempts at Kayapo cooking, the next he was stuck in his hammock with a fever. When he started vomiting, my Mom really freaked out…she knew the symptoms of malaria, and without proper care, she knew he could die."

"Aren't there vaccines?" I ask quietly.

"We were vaccinated when we landed in Sao Paolo. And we had special mosquito nets we traveled with, so we could cover up at night but… I don't know what happened. When it's your time to go, it's your time to go." His voice is flat, dead, like he's gone over this with himself a thousand times, trying to figure out what went wrong and coming up with nothing.

"My mother must have contracted it while she was taking care of my father," he continues. "I guess...she got bitten, too."

"But…you were okay," I say, touching him.

"I wasn't okay. I'm still not okay."

"I mean –"

"I know what you mean. No. They died." He wrenches his gaze from the window and focuses it on me. "_I_ died."

My heart drops. Just like that, everything I've seen so far, the differences and impossibilities, Leah's stories, Jacob's, the things I read online – it all clamors loudly in my head, creating the most awful rushing sound. Trembling, I stand up, at war with myself. Every survival instinct I have tells me to run, but my love and the things I know deep inside, my memories of who Edward is and what we had, won't let me.

"What are you saying?" I ask, needing him to just spit it out.

"I know you know, Bella," he says, his voice breaking. "I've been following you for weeks… I know Leah told you things. I heard her. And I know you looked stuff up."

"If you died, then how are you here?" I ask, keeping his bed between us. Not like it matters; if what he's hinting at is true, he has the upper hand in ways I can't even imagine.

"There was another doctor traveling with us. Sometimes we stayed together but other times we'd split up; he'd stay with one group or village while we helped another. He took care of my parents the night they died, and stayed with me in the Kayapo village for another couple of days. I thought he was going to try to take me back to the U.S, but I guess he knew that I was already sick. I had a really high fever, so high I began to hallucinate. I'd pass out for hours at a time…"

Compassion warms me, momentarily overpowering the trepidation. I want to go to him again, but I sense he wants me to leave him alone while he gets through this.

"The last thing I remember is the bite, and then excruciating pain. I found out later he'd brought me to the most isolated areas of the jungle possible, so that no one would hear me scream. He watched over me for the next three days, and when I awoke…I was like this. Like him."

I realize, that just like Jake, there are things about Edward that I can't even fathom yet are, in fact, real. Edward was – is— an honest person, and he wouldn't lie to me. I feel so sad he had to go through this. Horrified, I ask, "He just left you like that?"

He shakes his head. "No, no. Carlisle's always nearby. I can't be on my own yet."

"He's here? In Forks?"

"For now."

"Does that mean… when he leaves, you leave?"

He stares at me, his eyes telling me all I need to know.

"Then why didn't you come to me sooner?" I cry, backing away as he comes closer. I'm so confused. I want him, but I'm terrified of what this means.

He comes to me, grabbing both of my arms. Something tells me he's not aware of his own strength, because his grip is so tight, enough to bruise. "I've come to you almost every night!"

"But I didn't know –" I start to say, but then I stop because we both know that isn't true. "It's not the same," I say instead. "I thought I was dreaming. Why didn't you just wake me up?"

"I was afraid you'd hate me."

Fragments of a dream come back to me, his sad voice saying this very thing.

"How could you be so sure I'd stay asleep? Weren't you afraid I'd wake? Or that someone would catch you?"

"I have ways," he says, and for a second, he seems smug. "But I did it to protect you."

"From what?" I scoff.

"From me."

"So what changed?" I ask. "Why now?"

"Because I can't stay away from you anymore. When it comes down to it, I'm selfish. I miss you." He wraps his arms around me, and somehow, his cold body makes me feel warm inside anyway. "I tried, I really tried, but it's not enough to watch you sleep, to kiss you when you're sleeping."

A memory; sweetness on my lips. "You _did _kiss me," I breathe. "Why can't I kiss you now? Why did you push me away, before?"

"It's a lot different when you're awake."

"What do you mean?"

Exasperated, he pulls away and bends down so he can look deeply in to my eyes. "What am I? Say it."

"A Cold One?" I say, hoping even as I utter it that he'll laugh and say I'm wrong.

But he doesn't. "Otherwise known as a vampire. You know what we eat, right?"

"You won't hurt me," I say, but the tremble in my voice betrays my fear.

"You're afraid of me. You should be…I'm not stable, and I could hurt you, even if I didn't mean to." He straightens, but stays close, and I take the opportunity to snake my arms around his waist.

"I'm more afraid of you leaving again, honestly."

He closes his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I love you," I whisper, tightening my grip.

His hands find their place on my hips. "I love you, too."

We stand like that for a long time, simply holding one another. It's beyond weird to not hear a heartbeat where my ear presses against his chest, but he's still the same in many ways. The core of him is the same, I think.

"Edward?"

"What?"

Tiptoeing, I go in slowly for a kiss, not wanting him to spook again. This time, he allows it, even though he keeps his lips pressed together. I want more, so much more, but just being in his arms – in his presence – is enough for now.

* * *

The sun sets. We watch its colors bleed out, shining brilliantly through the trees before leaving them dark, silhouettes against the night.

We've spent hours talking about our time apart, his pre-transformation adventures in Brazil and my more mundane days here in Forks. We stick to those topics; sometimes reminiscing about what is was like before he left. Dealing with the fact that he's a vampire seems to stress him out, which then bothers me, so we avoid it. There's nothing we can do about it, and I think it's a relief for him to focus on happier, more normal times.

I'm not exactly used to the idea of him being what he is, but it's so good to have him back in any form that I'm willing to accept anything: the impossible, the unsavory, the terrible. At his essence, Edward is still the boy I fell in love with. I can learn to work with the other things.

It took awhile, but Edward is finally comfortable touching me now. We sit in the dimness of his bedroom, his head in my lap, like when we used to watch movies. His hair's the same, soft and shiny. He got a haircut before the trip, and now he informs me that it'll never change.

"What do you mean, never?"

"I won't change, Bella. I won't age. Wait'll you meet Carlisle. He's been alive for over a century."

Closing my eyes, I shake my head. "I don't even know how to wrap my mind around that."

"It takes time," he says, smiling shyly up at me. "I'm still getting used to all of this stuff, myself."

"So…you'll always be twenty?"

"Always."

"That's just weird."

"I know."

"I'll pass you in a couple of years."

He says nothing, letting the reality of my statement sink in. Fleeting images of this Edward and then myself at thirty, sixty, eighty pass through my head, each one more disturbing than the rest.

My phone blinks mutely with missed calls and text messages, reminding me I need to go. By this time Leah's home, no doubt asking Charlie and Sue where I am. They still think I went in to town with her this morning, for work.

But I can't go. The thought of being away from Edward leaves me feeling sick and empty. It's so much worse than it ever was. I don't know if it's because he's parent-less now, or because I just missed him so horribly, but I just want to stay with him.

"You should go home," he says.

"I was just thinking that," I admit, sighing.

"I know."

I look suspiciously down at him, wracking my brain for things I've learned from books and movies about vampires. "You can't like…read my mind, can you?"

"No."

"That's good," I say, deeply relieved. It would be a disaster if he knew the intensity and single-mindedness of my thoughts.

"But I can read other people's," he says.

My hands still in his hair. "That's…wow. Okay. Well."

He laughs softly. "Yeah, I don't know why I can't hear your thoughts –"

"I'm glad you can't."

"Actually, I'm glad, too. But still, it's interesting."

"If anyone is interesting it's definitely you," I say. "Anyway, let me check in at home. I don't want Charlie to worry."

"He does worry about you," Edward says. "All the time."

I sag against the headboard. "You don't need to be a mind reader to see that."

* * *

"Will you come see me tonight?" I ask, dangling my feet from the open door of my truck.

"I don't know, probably," Edward says. "It's worth the risk."

"The risk of…wolves?" It's the first time either of us has mentioned it, but I figure it would've come up sooner than later. "Did Jake see you that night?"

The change in his posture is immediate; anger rolls off of him in waves. "The night he broke your window?"

"Yeah."

"He saw something, but he can't prove it. The others don't believe him anyway, so it doesn't matter now. Carlisle suspects our diet of animal blood is what's keeping Leah and Sam – and anyone else out there – from smelling me around your house."

"I wondered about that," I say. He'd told me earlier that, like Carlisle and his "friends", he drank animal blood, not human, but it isn't until now that I put two and two together.

"I nearly killed him, you know."

"What?" I sit up straight. "Why?"

"The window…he hurt you. And then the incident at the beach," he growls.

"You were there?" I ask, incredulous.

"Their land is protected. If I went anywhere near the border of La Push, they'd have every right to end me," he says. "No, I heard about it in Leah's thoughts the next day. I waited for Jake to return so could deal with him myself, but he never did."

As angry as I've been with Jake lately, I'm relieved nothing went down between him and Edward. I don't know if I could bear that. "Sam forbade him," I say. "So did my Dad."

"I realize that now."

"How'd you know about La Push? Did you try…?" I ask.

"Carlisle explained it to me. He says there are a lot of situations like this, scattered around the country, uneasy truces between wolves and vampires. We haven't actually met up with their leadership, but they sense we're here."

The dark is all-encompassing now, with nothing but a half moon to give us light. I glance at the house. "Do you have electricity?"

"Yeah. The house is in Carlisle's name now."

"How did you manage that?"

"Long story. Another time."

I want to tell him I have all the time in the world, but it's just not true.

"I should go," I say, holding his hand lightly between mine. "I did tell my Dad I'd be home in a little while and now it's been a long while."

"I don't want you to go."

His words make me ridiculously glad. "Neither do I.

"Tell your father you're staying with a friend," he suggests, his eyes glinting.

"What?" I laugh. The old Edward never would have suggested something like that. He was all about rules and respect. I liked that about him, but if I'm being honest, I might like this a little more. There's something darker and more dangerous about him now. Something more primal, instinctive. Wondering how this change might translate in to _other aspects_ of our relationship, I blush, glad the night hides my ruddy cheeks.

But Edward steps closer, pushing his way between my legs. "You're blushing."

"You can see it?"

"I can feel it." He leans closer, softly kissing my cheek. "Smell it."

Sucking in a sharp breath, I shiver at his nearness, but otherwise stay still, not wanting him to pull away. I remember how Edward's kisses used to heat me up, and wonder how he'll do that now with such cold skin. But then he does it – he finally kisses me properly, sliding his cool tongue past my lips. He tastes sweet, the way he tasted when he kissed me in my sleep.

Our bodies press together, like old times. I slip my hands beneath his jacket, holding him to me, feeling weaker and weaker the longer we kiss. Eventually I start to black out. He catches me before I keel over and lays me back on the seat.

"Carlisle said that might happen," he says, worry and regret evident in his tone.

"Why?" I slur.

"My venom. It's in my saliva."

At this point, nothing surprises me. The world I thought I lived in just doesn't exist, and the faster I acclimate, the better. I take a couple more deep breaths and sit up once I'm clearheaded. "I'm okay."

He nods, his features softening. "Good."

"It was worth it," I say, touching his face.

He kisses me gently, closed mouth this time, and tucks me in before shutting the door. "Go. Before Charlie sends out a search party."

* * *

_Early last July_

Three short raps on my door. Charlie. "Bells?"

Edward pulled away, running a hand through his hair before picking up a magazine that had fallen on the floor.

Smoothing my hair back, I cleared my throat. "Come in, Dad. It's open."

He stepped in, casting a rather suspicious glance at us. "I'm heading out. You need anything from the store?"

"Aren't you going to the hardware store?" I asked with a smirk. It was so obvious he'd just wanted an excuse to poke his head in.

"Yeah."

"I'm all set, Dad. Thanks."

"All right. Behave yourself, Edward," he said, shutting the door before I could say anything. Little did he know that it was me, not Edward, who seemed to have a hard time behaving.

I rolled my eyes and looked over at Edward, who was grinning at his fake reading material.

"You can stop pretending now," I teased, swiping at the magazine so I could sit on his lap.

Before we could really get in to it, though, the door burst open. "Bellaaaaa!" sang Emily. "Oh…ew."

"That's what you get for barging in here without knocking," I said. "What's your deal?"

"Sorry," she said, not looking the least bit contrite.

"Hey, Emily," Edward said, giving a small wave.

"Hi," she said, a little coyly. I knew she had a crush on Edward. It was obvious by the way she followed us around whenever he came over. She may have been young, but she was already practicing the art of flirting. A little disturbing, if you asked me. Is that what they were learning at Montessori these days?

"What're you up to today?" he asked.

"What are you guys doing?" she countered, hopping up on the bed next to us.

"We're going out," I said, sliding off of Edward's lap. "Isn't Claire supposed to be coming over for a play date?"

She scoffed. "Play dates are for little kids. We're having a sleepover."

"You're right, sorry," I said, shaking my head. "Anyway, have fun, okay?"

"Are you guys coming back?" she asked, staring at Edward so hard I thought she'd burn a hole in his head.

"Probably. See ya," he said, ruffling her hair on his way out.

"You probably just made her day," I whispered as we walked down the hallway.

"I like 'em a little older," he laughed. "So where are we going?"

We walked out into the sunshine, where Claire Lewis' mother was just driving up. I waved at her as she parked.

"Can we go swimming again?"I asked, leaning against the porch railing. We'd taken to visiting the river behind Edward's house on afternoons when it wasn't raining, and sometimes even when it was. It was a great way to cool off and, more importantly, to be close to Edward. There was something about sliding around, soaking wet and stuck together…

"River's kind of high because of that storm the other night," Edward said. "It won't be like it usually is. The current's stronger."

"Oh," I said, disappointed. "Well…what do you want to do?" We didn't have any guests at the Inn currently, and that meant I had more free time. I didn't want to waste it. Though Edward and I hadn't discussed it, the end of summer loomed ahead, meaning possible separation, and I wanted to make the most of the time we had.

"Go down to La Push, maybe?"

It had been awhile since I'd been there. I had lots of memories of spending summer days there, collecting rocks and hanging out with Jacob and his friends, swimming if it was warm enough.

"Sounds good. Let me go pack a few snacks, and then we can head out."

Except for a group of guys playing football at the far end of the shore, First Beach was deserted when we arrived. I spread a blanket out on the dark sand, and proceeded to unload the bag of food I'd brought: mostly homemade goodies made by Sue.

For awhile we just ate, enjoying the weather and each other's company. Edward finished his water and turned to me, pushing me on to my back.

"Better watch it," I said, running my thumb over the stubble on his chin. "I see a couple of kids down the beach…"

"Let 'em watch," he teased, swooping down to lightly kiss me.

My stomach turned a somersault, and I wondered – not for the first time – how I'd gotten so lucky. We goofed around like that for a couple of minutes, tickling, giggling and grabbing each other's hands.

"So… what's going to happen when summer's over?" I asked abruptly. Damn it. I hadn't really planned on having this conversation with him just yet, but it was _always_ on my mind. Like my mother had always said "what is in your heart constantly, comes out of your mouth eventually".

Edward blinked, caught off guard by my question, and the subsequent change of mood it brought. He leaned on his elbow beside me. "I don't know yet."

Wow. That wasn't the answer I'd hoped for.

"Classes at UA start in August, right?" he asked, gazing at the blanket as he drew circles with his finger.

I eased on to my side so I could face him. "Yeah, the last week, but… you know I deferred." My plans were still up in the air, anyway. I'd been accepted to UW as well. I liked Washington, and specifically, the Seattle area, and while I didn't say it outright, I wanted to stay close to Edward. "I might stay here..."

"Don't," he said suddenly. "Not for me."

My heart dropped. "Why not?"

"Because I might not be staying, myself."

"What? Why? Where are you going?" Panic shot thought me, as ridiculous as it sounded. I just didn't think Edward had anywhere else to go – not right then, at least. It didn't matter that we were young, and that people our age were flighty and all over the place, moving and transferring.

"My parents offered to take me along during their next medical trip," he said, his eyes finally meeting mine again. He was acting calm, but I could see the barely contained excitement. "They're going to Brazil this time."

"Wow," I said weakly, sitting up. "I had no idea you were planning on leaving. I guess I thought…"

"Nothing's concrete," he interrupted, moving to sit beside me. "I'm just throwing it out there, in case we decide on it. They'll go, regardless. I'd go to school like usual and stay with my grandparents during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I used to stay with them during my parent's trips when I was younger."

He was rambling, which was so not him, and I had to smile. He was nervous, and I realized it was because he _did_ care about what happened to us.

"Either way, I'll be around," I said, linking our hands. "The more I think about it, the more I want to stay here. Seattle's a cool city."

"It really is. And even if I do go…I'll be back for the following semester," he said. "I just…want you to go where you really want to go. Choose wherever will make you happy."

"I will," I promised. "But, just so you know… that scenario includes you, even if it is sooner than later."

Edward looked so relieved that I wished we'd had this discussion earlier. "Maybe I'll stay, you know?"

"Just keep me updated," I said.

"I will."

The voices that had been carrying on down the beach floated closer, and before we knew it Jacob Black was jogging up, football in hand.

"Bella! I thought that was you."

"Hey, Jake," I said, smiling. "This is Edward."

Grinning, Jake bent to shake Edward's hand. "Hey, man. I've seen you around town."

"Yeah, how ya doing?" Edward said, nodding.

"Good, good. You up for a game?"

Edward shook his head. "Naw, I'm just gonna hang out with Bella. Thanks, though."

"No problem," Jake said, shrugging. "See you guys." He hauled back and let the ball sail through the air, back to his friends as he ran.

"You can play, if you want," I said.

"I'd rather spend time with you," he replied, looking at me. With the sun starting to set, he was a hundred shades of gold and red, gorgeous, and I knew I'd never love anybody else.

* * *

**thank you guys, for reviewing and sharing your thoughts and theories. i appreciate it more than you'll ever know. *hugs* the reason posting is much more gratifying than just writing privately, is b/c of the feedback i get here. i love our little community. *cue kumbaya***

**anyway.**

**i'm roglows over on twitter, if you're in to that, and there's a thread on twilighted (under AU) if you're in to that.**


	8. Sacrifices

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic (nicnicd!), for your time, observations, encouragement, and sweetness. i love you like a fat kid loves cake. _

* * *

It's obvious that Charlie's irritated I came home much later than I told him I would when we talked on the phone. He's standing on the porch when I pull up, partly blocking the door so I'll have to talk to him.

"Gave your old man a good worry there, Bella."

"But I called you," I say, squeezing past him. Funnily enough, I catch grief for going out these days more than I ever did before. I still don't have an actual curfew, but Charlie and Sue (and even Leah) are always checking up on me. My melancholy attitude of the past six months hasn't helped, I know that, but I've been working and doing more outside of the house. I guess I hoped they'd take my being out as a good sign.

"Leah said you didn't go to work, Bells. Where've you been?"

"I went for a drive. Sometimes being here makes me feel claustrophobic," I say, shaking with the lie. I've never been very good at dishonesty.

Charlie follows me in to the kitchen, where I pour a glass of water and microwave some leftovers, anything to avoid looking him in the eye. "You skipped work to go for a drive? All day?"

Finally, our eyes meet. "Yep."

He frowns, and I just know he's got his cop hat on as he tries to solve the mystery of the day. For a panicky second I imagine him going back outside to check the mileage on my truck or something, but he doesn't, of course. Instead he rubs his mustache and shrugs. "Well, okay. Are you feeling better, then? Leah said you weren't feeling well."

"Yeah. I'm fine. I'll probably go to sleep early tonight, though," I say, grabbing a fork to eat with.

He ends our conversation with a customary grunt before wandering toward the living room, where the sounds of a game on TV can be heard.

My heart calms and I start picking at the stew and fry bread Sue made earlier. I'm not that hungry and still lightheaded from my time with Edward, but I haven't eaten since morning and I know I need to. I scarf down my food, rinse my plate, load the dishwasher, and turn off the lights. I'm halfway down the hall when Leah comes out of her room, scaring me.

"Okay, sneaky…"

"_I'm_ sneaky?" She scoffs. "You told me you were sick… where have you been?"

"Just driving around. I needed fresh air." I walk slowly toward my door and push it open, seeing my room through new eyes. How many times did Edward stand in the shadows here, watching over me?

"You needed fresh air," repeats Leah, following me.

"Yeah…and I didn't feel like walking around out there," I say, giving her a meaningful look. She can't argue with that, knowing what might lurk in those woods.

I sense she finds my reasons for being out all day a little odd –Charlie probably did, too – but there's nothing she can do about it. They don't know I have reason to lie, that Edward is secretly back in town and that I spent the day with him. If he'd returned the same way he'd left, none of it would be an issue… but with the way things stand, there's no way I can tell anyone anything. Especially not Leah. Not only is she one of the tribe's shape shifters, she's Sam's fiancée.

Shuddering, I push back my fears of her ever finding out. The only things keeping her and Sam from knowing about Edward are his stealth (he told me he's even faster than others of his kind) and lack of a smell. Jake suspects, but everyone thinks he's nuts these days – nuts about me and in general – so he won't a problem. Poor guy. I hate that he's hurting right now. Part of me feels a bit bad for Jake; he knows what he saw, but he can't prove it.

It doesn't make me feel bad enough to corroborate his story, though. Jake will always be my friend, but Edward is my heart. I can't risk it.

"Anyway…I think I'm gonna go spend the night at Sam's," Leah says, lingering. "It's been a while, and things have been pretty mellow around here. Will you be okay? I can still come by for you in the morning…"

Her concern warms me, and any defensive thoughts I might have had before melt away. "I'll be okay, Lee. Thanks. And I have a truck, you know. I can drive myself to work."

"Well, obviously," she says. "I like driving in with you."

"Me too." I nod. "So, see you in the morning then?"

"Bright n' early." She winks and turns, headed back to her room. A few minutes later I hear the front door close, followed by the sound of her car starting outside.

Maybe Leah and Sam can't smell Edward as a vampire, but he does have a scent. He's retained the familiar smell that I always associated with him, along with something else I can't quite pinpoint. Something new, sweet and fresh, like rain. Whatever it is, I'm reluctant to wash it off my skin. Luxuriously long baths have become a habit for me, as the bathroom I share with Leah has a huge, sunken tub, but I skip that and put on my pajamas.

Somehow, they still smell like Edward, too.

* * *

The cold is back. I'm floating through the woods, trying to suppress the urge to giggle as leaves and delicate branches tickle past my throat and cheeks. Right when I feel like I might laugh out loud, I wake up. Edward sits beside me, his face not too far from my own. It's slightly startling, and my heart skips in surprise.

Immediately the small smile on his face disappears and he reaches forward, touching my chest. "I didn't mean to scare you." I realize he's feeling my accelerated heart rate.

Shaking my head, I cover his hand with mine and whisper, "It's okay."

At least, I think it's okay. We stare at each other. I wonder what time it is.

I'm still getting used to the new ways he makes me feel, the caution, and the wariness. It's incredible how much our dynamic has changed; what things we talk about, the stories he has to tell. It's not unlike someone coming back from a war, changed as a result of the things they've witnessed and the harsh realities of which they're now aware. Glimpses of how he was before peek through all the time, but being around this new version of Edward makes me feel sheltered, like there are all these dangers I'm too naive to understand. He seems jaded, sometimes resigned; I get the impression that while he's protecting me from himself, he's also protecting himself from me, and the possibility that when I finally understand what he has become, I'll leave him. He doesn't understand yet that I'm with him for good.

"Leah's not here," I say, and then feel silly because he probably already knows.

He nods. "I saw her leave."

"What time is it?"

"Just past ten."

"And you weren't afraid someone else would see you? One of the other wolves, maybe?"

"I'm too fast." He's not even being cocky, just blunt. "And none of them are out there at the moment. They have pretty predictable patrols."

Like the last time he was here, I try to pull him down so that he'll lie with me, but like last time he resists. I sit up, yanking my quilt away so that I can feel more of him, but he's quick to tuck it around me again.

"What is it with you?" I whisper. "You're like my grandma, always covering me up, never –"

"Because I make you cold, Bella. Why do you think you shiver in your dreams and in your sleep? It's not because of an open window."

I'm about to argue just for the sake of it when something he just said catches me. "In my dreams? Can you… do that, too? See my dreams?" A memory of him telling me to sleep the night before comes to mind, and suddenly I wonder if the two are connected. "Or…control them?"

Quickly and quietly, he peels his boots off so that he can draw his legs up. He's finally relaxing, which helps me relax, too. "All of us can do it," he says, settling in close to me. His breath _does_ make me shiver, and I have to admit the quilt helps. He smirks, like he knows.

"Do what?"

"Compel. It's basically suggesting something that the recipient can't resist."

"And you do this all the time?" I ask. This might be the craziest thing he's told me yet.

"No," he says. "It's not a parlor trick, although I'm sure there are plenty who abuse it…but Carlisle taught me that it's to be used with great discretion. Like if someone sees something they shouldn't have, I can make them forget…stuff like that. I try not to use it unless I really have to. "

"But you did it to me," I say, slightly disturbed. "When you made me sleep."

"Leah was coming, and I didn't have time to go in to detail," he says. "And I used it to speak to you in your dreams…which weren't really dreams at all, but subconscious suggestions," he explains. "I… didn't know how else to communicate with you. I was terrified you'd hate what I'd become."

"Have you no faith in me at all?" I swallow past the lump in my throat, hating the devastation that he has had to go through. My heart aches for him, and if I could protect him from any of it, I would. I can reassure him of the truth and tenacity of my own feelings, though, so I do. "I could never hate you, Edward. Ever. You might be different physically, but underneath all this you're still the same guy I fell for last summer. These months have been so hard, and now that I have you back there's nothing that can keep me from you."

"I see that now," he says, closing his eyes and resting his face on my pillow. "But it was a scary possibility. You're all I have left."

On one hand, his words thrill me, because they have a sense of permanence. But on the other, they break my heart. He shouldn't feel so alone. I know how much it can hurt to feel so left behind. "What about Carlisle?" I ask. "And his friends? Have you met them?"

"Yeah, I know them. And they're a really cool bunch…kind of like a family. That's what this is, you know? We've all lost our families, so we've made new ones."

"That sounds kind of cool," I say, trying to imagine. "It's not like…foster care or anything, is it?"

He laughs quietly. "Not quite. I'm the youngest one by far…both in human age and the length of time I've been this way. They're all…married."

"To each other?" I squeak.

Even in the dark I can see the strange look he gives me. "Three couples, yeah."

"That must get awkward," I say.

"Believe me, it does."

A loaded beat of silence passes between us. I want so badly to be one half of a couple with Edward, but I don't know if that's possible or even something he desires. I mean, he says that I'm all he has left, but maybe he means of his old life. I'm the one thing that knows him from both before and after. Even Carlisle, who met him as a human, has nothing on my connection with Edward.

But that isn't the same as being together, and though it's obvious that he's still attracted to me, I doubt that's enough for us forge something significant. The thought that our best times together might have already passed, last summer before he left, is almost more than I can bear and I shut my eyes tight, trying not to cry.

"I would give anything to know what you're thinking," he whispers, running an icy finger down my cheek. I open my eyes as he tastes his finger, my tears. "And I'd give anything to keep you from crying."

I decide right there and then that no matter what I'll fight for the love I have in my heart. I'll do whatever it takes to save this, and to make it work. He is my One, and I just can't see myself finding someone as special as he is to me. If it means following him, I will. Switching schools or putting it off, I will. I've tried life without Edward, and it simply doesn't work for me, regardless of how pathetic and needy that sounds. "I love you," I say, biting my lip.

There's so much sadness in his eyes. And again, that awful resignation. "I love you, too."

"I can't lose you again."

"You won't…I'm here."

"For now," I say. "What happens when Carlisle is ready to go? Where will he take you? What will happen to us?"

"Bella," he says, tracing his fingers over my arm. "Carlisle knows how much you mean to me. When I told him I needed to see you, he made it happen. It's okay. Time is…"

"Is what?"

"Different for me us than it is for humans." He chuckles quietly. "That sounds, and feels, so weird to say. Humans."

"I still feel like you're human," I tell him.

"Because you knew me before. I bet if you'd met me like this, you'd have gone running for the hills."

"Not necessarily," I say, tugging his hair playfully. "You're pretty irresistible either way. But…tell me more about Carlisle and his family."

"They're up in Alaska, actually, while we're here. They spent a lot of time there with another coven."

"That's a little creepy," I comment, thinking of witches and warlocks.

"What, that they refer to themselves as a coven?"

"Yes. Do you ever call it that?"

"There are a lot of terms and concepts I've had to get used to." He shrugs. "But I prefer _family,_ as well."

"So is that where you'll go? After you leave?"

"I guess."

I shift impatiently. "When are you leaving?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No way! Why would you even ask me that?" I cringe. My voice was higher than I'd intended for it to be. _Good thing Leah's not around with her super sensitive hearing…_ "No. I don't want you to leave, and if you must, then I want to go with you."

"You can't go with me," he says, all at once stern and serious. "I couldn't even deal with it if something bad happened to you."

"But if you and Carlisle don't feed from humans, wouldn't that mean his family doesn't, as well?"

"Yeah, but why tempt them by bringing a luscious girl around? That's just stupid."

His words sting. We never fought before he left, although there were a few tense moments once he told me he was leaving, so this is new. And unwelcome. His preternatural abilities seem to include sensing my moods though, even if he can't actually read my mind, and he grabs my hand.

"Sorry." His voice is contrite. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I say flatly. "You're right. It's stupid for me to even _try_ to keep you."

"Bella…"

"I feel like you've already given up," I say, trying to keep my emotions in check.

"I haven't… I just don't know what to do. This is all I think about, Bella. It's why I came back to you." He sounds so desperate that I forget about being mad at him, or frustrated with myself. There really is no easy solution, but then again, we've only been back together for a day. We'll figure out something. We've got to.

I glance over to find him watching me again, his gaze hungry…in what ways I honestly don't know.

"So… I'm luscious?" I tease, rolling on to my side and pressing our bodies together before he can go all prudish on me again.

But he surprises me by not moving away. "Very."

"How come you can be around me, then?"

"It's not without great difficulty, Bella."

"Yet you manage," I say.

"Because I love you. But make no mistake, while being around you helps me get used to your smell…"

He doesn't go on. I know what he wants to say: that being gradually inured to the smell of my blood doesn't necessarily mean I don't tempt him.

I touch his cheek, and he withdraws a bit.

"Stop," I whisper. "Stop pulling away from me. Do you know how hard this is for me?"

"Do _you_ know how hard this is for_ me_?" he counters. "I love you, but I want to kill you. Every second. Never forget that."

For a long while there is nothing but the sound of my fragile breathing and the notable absence of his. We're back to watching one another in the dark, with just moonlight and a couple of heavy blankets between us. The aggression that I noticed earlier at his house, I realize, bubbles constantly beneath the service. It's a part of who he is now. I wonder if it's like what happened to Jake, and with time and practice, he'll learn to temper it.

I strain closer, placing a small kiss on his jaw. The skin there used to be smooth, but now he has stubble. I remember what he said about his hair, how it would never change. I'd assume the same to be true about his facial hair, which is kind of funny because he always used to prefer being clean shaven.

He's always been perfect, but now he is divine. His eyes are on me, drawing me in but repelling me too. It's so weird; the way he makes me feel is a study in contrasts. I love him, but there's no freedom in it; I'm afraid he'll leave me. I'm attracted to him…I want him – but there's an underlying wariness there because I'm also instinctively afraid of him.

"Is there any way we can be together?" I ask him. "Or are we at an impasse?"

"It depends, I guess."

"On what?"

"On you."

"If it was up to me, I'd go wherever you wanted to go," I say.

"Remember what I told you before I left?" he asks. "That one day on the beach? I told you to choose whatever made you happy. I didn't want you waiting around for me, and I don't want that now."

"And I think I told you that my happiness included you," I remind him, not willing to back down. "Why are you trying to push me away? It…really hurts."

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me so that I'm half on top of him. "I don't want to hurt you, but I'm so afraid I will. Being with me, this lifestyle… isn't going to be easy. You might look back in ten years…five…and wish you'd done things differently. It might not even be something worth mentioning but…you wouldn't be able to have kids. Not with me. If you wanted to, I mean. I know that's something you've thought about…we talked about it once, remember?"

He pauses, and I nod slowly, remembering.

"And I'll never be able to see your father again, Bella. It would be too hard to lie to him, and for him to accept that I never seem to age. I can't stay in Forks, because even though we have no family here, everyone knew my parents and me." He sighs heavily, the weight of the world on his shoulders. "There are just so many complications and I just don't want you all tangled up in it."

"I really, totally, completely get what you're saying, and I appreciate it more than you know. I realize that there are a lot of things to consider, and I have a lot of thinking to do," I say, lowering down so that we're pressed chest to chest. "But respect me enough to let me make my own choice. I can deal with the other stuff if I just get to be with you, even if it's inconvenient. Let me choose you. I always _have_ chosen you, Edward."

He gazes up at me. I feel his fingers in my hair as he draws my face down to kiss me. My breath hitches in anticipation; his kisses were always so good, so arousing, but now they're slightly euphoric despite the drugged sensation that eventually follows.

But he bypasses my mouth and instead licks a frosty trail up my neck.

Gasping quietly, I arch back, baring more of my throat to him, trusting him and needing him to know that. He flips us over unbelievably quickly, pinning me between his body and my bed, keeping me cozy between cool and warm. And then his mouth is everywhere, tongue tasting and lips kissing. I squirm and sigh in pleasure beneath him, vaguely recalling a night long ago when we were together like this, back when he was human.

This is decidedly more intense, though. We roll around – he lets me feel like I'm gaining the "upper hand" before he snatches it right back – forever, my legs wrapped around his hips, his hands underneath the fabric of my pajamas.

"You're so warm," he whispers, pushing against where I'm warm_est_. He's hard all over, but especially _there_ and his movements become more pronounced, but also a little more wild, which both thrills and unnerves me. He kisses me in snippets and bits, never staying long enough for me to feel sluggish, but I still love it. I'm consumed by the need to feel him.

His teeth graze my jaw, and I tense, my fingers locking in his hair. "Don't bite me," I beg, my voice quivering.

"Never," he promises, stilling.

"Not never," I say, cupping his face. "Just not now."

* * *

_Mid July, last_

Edward liked to surprise me. When we'd first started dating, I'd hated surprises. I didn't know why, really. Maybe it was just the irrational fear that I wouldn't like whatever was coming. But Edward changed that. The dates he took me on were awesome and original, grand adventures like last week's trip to Seattle's Experience Music Project, as well as ones closer to home, like the fireworks at his parent's annual Fourth of July barbeque. Most of Forks had been there that night.

Edward was waiting in the lounge for me when I finished helping Sue at the Inn. The party of eight that had been occupying several of our guest rooms had left just that morning, and I'd spent the better part of the day scouring and cleaning.

"Hi," I said, bending to kiss him.

"Hey, yourself." He tried to get frisky with the kiss but I pulled away, holding my hands up.

"You're early…let me go shower and then we can leave, okay? You can wait in the kitchen, if you want…Sue and Emily made brownies."

"I know," he said, grinning as he held up a plate littered with crumbs.

"Humph." I ruffled his hair and jogged to my room, anxious to get cleaned up so that we could leave.

Speaking of surprises, he had something up his sleeve for tonight, too, so rather than pester him for details I let him alone. In fact, it wasn't until we'd been driving for an hour and through two playlists that I finally spoke up.

"Where are we going?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"I've been patient," I said, linking our fingers on the console between us, "but we've been on the road forever."

"An hour and seventeen minutes to go," he said.

He wasn't going to budge, so I settled back, switching his iPod out with mine, and chose something new to listen to.

My day as a scullery maid must have worn me out more than I'd realized, because the next thing I knew Edward was shaking me awake. "Bella. Bella! We're here."

I sat up, hoping I hadn't been drooling or moaning Edward's name or something while asleep, right as we drove through the entrance of an honest to goodness drive in movie theater.

"Are you serious?" I cried, clapping my hands. "This is great!"

"Have you ever been to one?" he asked, pleased at my reaction.

"No. Have you?"

"A couple of times, but not here. This was the closest one I could find, and you see how long it took to get here."

"Where are we?"

"Port Townsend." Edward nodded at his Google Maps printout. "It's somewhere in Jefferson County."

"I'm surprised you didn't just use your GPS," I said.

"Would've ruined the surprise," he said. "Where do you want to park? There's hardly anybody here."

We chose a spot that was front and center. I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out, wanting to stretch my legs before the movie started.

"I'm going to the concession stand," Edward said, sliding his arm around my waist.

"I'll come."

A few more cars trickled in as we crossed the lot. Port Townsend's _Wheel In Motor Movie_ wasn't big, but what it lacked in size it more than made up for in charm. Towering evergreens surrounded the space, and above, stars were starting to dot the sky. Edward and I grabbed fries, shakes and a couple of burgers before returning to his car.

Another couple pulled up nearby, and when they got out I saw that the girl was pregnant. She was really cute, with a long blonde ponytail and a basketball of a belly. She and her guy were all smiles as they strolled over to the concession stand, his arm wrapped protectively around her. It was a truly sweet scene.

Sighing softly, I turned to find Edward also watching. He smirked. "Bet she's gonna go pig out right now."

"I would," I laughed. "If I was that pregnant, I mean. Imagine if she went in to labor during the movie..."

He grimaced. "That would suck."

"You could put some of your pre-med schooling in to practice, Doc," I teased.

"Emphasis on _pre_," he said, popping a French fry in to his mouth.

"I'll probably go for a degree in education...or literature." I smirked at the abject cliché of it. "So, you're more equipped than I."

The couple wandered back, their heads together as they spoke. They seemed so in tune, and so in love.

"Do you want that?" Edward asked abruptly.

"What, kids?"

He nodded.

"I mean...yeah. Not for a long, long time though. My parents had me right out of high school, and I'm not interested in repeating what they went through."

"Charlie looks at you like you hang the stars, Bella," Edward said. "I don't think..."

"No, no. I know he loves me. They both do. I'm one of the lucky ones; I get along great with my parents," I explained. "I just want different things. Parenthood is about sacrifice, right? I'm too selfish at this point in my life."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"Do you...want kids?" I asked.

"Yeah. After I'm done with school though, like you. And, well, if I do decide to travel with MSF, I have to be unencumbered... I don't know when I'd have time." He frowned, putting his food down. "Ultimately I want what my parents have."

"You'll have it," I said, nodding. "Is MSF the program your Mom and Dad participate in?"

"Yeah. _Médecins Sans Frontières_. Doctors Without Borders."

"Hm." I'd never met such a fascinating family. Especially Edward's parents, who had literally been all over the world. Their house bore the relics and artwork of cultures I'd only ever seen on television. It was no wonder he had a healthy dose of wanderlust.

Up front, the movie screen flickered to life. The cute couple got in to their car, the guy easing his girl on to her seat. My heart squeezed. That scenario might have been far off in the future for me, but its appeal was impossible to deny.

* * *

Edward put his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me closer as we started kissing in the backseat.

"Mm, your fingers are freezing," I breathed against his mouth, shivering.

"Yeah, I'm using you to warm up," he said, sliding his other hand up under my sweater.

That broke the spell. Shrieking, I tried to shove him away, but we were all tangled in each other, my legs slung sideways over his lap.

The movie had ended a while before. What started out as a quick cleanup of the backseat before we hit the road had turned, predictably, in to another makeout session. The emptier the lot got, though, the creepier. I half expected an ax murderer to emerge from the shadows.

So when someone tapped on the window, I screamed.

Edward startled, hitting his head on the roof. "What? What?"

Heart pounding, I giggled nervously at the attendant standing outside of the car, who motioned for us to roll down the windows.

"Drive in is closed, man," he said, pointing to an imaginary watch. "Time to go."

"Sorry," Edward said, helping me out of the backseat.

"No worries. See it all the time," the attendant said, already walking away. "All the friggin' time."

Biting my lip, I got in to the front seat and turned to Edward, who was rubbing his head. "Are you okay? Sorry I screamed... but he really freaked me out."

"I can see that," he said wryly.

"It's just...really dark. And deserted."

"Remind me not to take you to any haunted houses on Halloween," he joked, driving us out of the drive in. "Or even trick or treating."

"Shush," I said, secretly thrilled that he was already thinking ahead as far as October.

"It's a good thing we saw a comedy tonight, huh?" he continued, pulling out on to the main road. "Imagine if we'd watched a horror flick."

* * *

I was supposed to meet Angela and Leah at the diner for lunch, but the first person I saw there was Edward. He shook his head, eyes dancing. "Just can't stay away, can you?"

"From the diner? No way. Best chicken fried steak in town," I stated coolly.

"I meant from me," he said, tugging my hair. "And it's the _only_ chicken fried steak in town, so, I don't know…"

"So, what are you doing here?" I laughed, catching sight of the girls over by the counter. I waved to let them know I was coming.

"Picking up lunch for my Dad. It's really hectic down at the hospital, and my Mom couldn't do it."

"Ah, okay. Well, don't let me keep you," I said. I wanted to kiss him, but decided not to at the last second. We hadn't really ventured into PDA territory, and I wasn't sure I wanted to. Or if he wanted to.

"I'll be by around eight," he called over his shoulder as he went to his car.

Back inside, I grabbed a spot at the counter, where I could chat with both Angela and Leah. We were long overdue for some girlish chitchat. Before either of them could approach me, though, Jessica Stanley plopped down next to me.

"Hey Bella," she said, playing with her necklace. "So what's with you and Edward? I've been seeing you guys together a lot lately."

She played at nonchalance, but I could hear the strain behind her tone. I bit my lip, unsure of how I should label my relationship with Edward. But then Jessica leaned in conspiratorially, smelling of gum and perfume. "You're not like…together-together, are you?"

Frowning, I shrugged. "Well, yeah. Why?"

Her eyebrows shot up so fast they nearly left the liner she'd used to enhance them behind. "No shit? Wow. He always seemed so… I don't know… stuck up."

I laughed loudly, attracting the attention of Leah, who immediately rolled her eyes behind Jessica's back. Stuck up he was not; everyone I knew loved Edward.

Jessica laughed uneasily, probably not knowing what to make of my reaction.

"He's not, actually," I said. "He's smart, and silly and sweet." The words seemed inadequate, but at least they were simple enough for a girl like Jessica to understand, I thought to myself.

"And hot as hell," Leah added, setting a soda down in front of me. "I made you a cherry Coke, Bella."

"Aw, thanks," I said, reaching for it.

"That's nice," Jessica said, rather unconvincingly. She stood up, untying her little black apron. "Well, I'm out. Gotta go dress shopping."

I watched her leave, remembering belatedly that she and that Mike Newton kid were engaged.

"She's so obvious," Leah groaned from her side of the counter.

"What, she wanted Edward?" I guessed.

"So badly," Angela said, giving me a menu. "Like, even when she and Mike were dating, she'd flirt with Edward… but he never even looked at her. I almost felt bad for her. But not really."

I almost felt bad for Jessica, myself. Within five minutes of laying eyes on Edward Masen, I'd had a crush on him too.

At Edward's later, after dinner, I told him about Jessica's comments.

"So, because I'm picky about whom I date, I'm stuck up," he said, making a face.

"According to her," I said. "Leah said Jessica used to like you…"

"Well, I never liked her and life's too short to settle," he said, leading me out to the backyard where he'd spread a blanket so we could stargaze. On a whim, his mother had left the lanterns up from the fourth of July, as well as a couple of strings of Christmas lights. She called them fairy lights, a term she said she'd picked up in England.

According to Edward, Elizabeth colored her speech with foreign phraseology all the time.

"Your mom's so quirky," I said, after he'd mentioned this. "I love it."

"_Your_ mom sounds kind of quirky… didn't you say once she got rid of your dining room table so she could use pillows instead?" He bit in to one of the ginger snaps I'd brought from home, courtesy of Sue.

I snorted, finding it hilarious that he remembered that. "Yep. All because of this Japanese restaurant she loves in Phoenix. She even bought a tatami mat."

We laughed a little hysterically, high on ginger snaps and life.

"I bet our moms would get along really well," I said once we'd calmed down.

"They would," he agreed, finding my hand.

"Think we'll be together long enough for that to happen?" I asked, keeping my gaze on the starry sky above.

"What kind of question is that?" he asked, turning on to his side as he took another cookie. "Don't you see this lasting?"

I wanted to, and I thought we were great together, but sometimes I wondered. "You're going to travel…and see a lot of beautiful things. Beautiful people. I'm not sure I can compete," I said softly. He hated when I said stuff like that, but he hated it even more when I wasn't honest with my thoughts.

He narrowed his eyes. "You really don't see yourself very clearly, do you?"

"I do."

"No," he said, kissing the corner of my mouth. "You obviously don't. You're it for me, and if I had my way, we'd travel together."

"Well then," I said, stealing the cookie from his hand much like he'd stolen my heart from me. "Maybe one day we will."

* * *

_hey all! i think i managed to reply to ... 50% of the reviews last time. but anyway, thank you so much for each and every one! i appreciate when you take the time, seriously. many thanks. tiny tyrant, who turned 6 months old today, thanks you too, with a loud and particularly grating screech._

_i'm excited to witness the hot mess known as breaking dawn (rob in his tux, mmm) this weekend. **also, please consider donating $5 for a worthy cause, the original Fandom Gives Back fundraiser, which helps Alex's Lemonade Stand (childhood cancer research). we all have kids in our lives we love, right? anyway, i wrote a oneshot as part of the compilation so..**._

http : / thefandomgivesback(dot)blogspot(dot)com/

xoxo


	9. comPromise

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my sweetgirl & beta, nicnic, for always coming to my rescue. _

* * *

Across the street, the trees blow and bend with the wind. Inside the store, I'm lost in thoughts of the past week and Edward, wondering if I'll see him later. The phone rings and, startled by the loudness, I reach for it quickly.

By the time I'm done dealing with a customer's inquiries about some series we have in stock, Leah's standing in front of me. She drums her fingers on the counter, nails clacking hollowly over the wood.

"Hey," I say, sitting up a little straighter. "What's up?"

"That storm's coming in tonight," she says. "Diner closed early, so I came by to see if Rach was doing the same."

At the sound of her name, Rachel appears from one of the aisles, a small stack of books in her arms. "I wasn't going to, but I might as well. No one's come in since lunch."

I close out the cash register as they chat, half listening to their conversation about Rachel's impending marriage to Paul Lahote, another member of the tribe. They've only been engaged for six months or so, but the ceremony is set for June, something that had shocked me at first. Everyone else seemed to take it in stride, though, even Leah – who's been with Sam since high school and engaged to him for over a year.

There's no denying that Rachel's got that glow, though. Even Paul, who always kind of intimidated me with his abrasiveness, seems softened by love. It would be easy to write off their mutual infatuation as passing, but I know now that it's something deeper, primal and true.

Paul imprinted on Rachel a while back.

Seeing the depth of their devotion backs up Leah's opinion that there is no way Jake could have imprinted on me. For one thing, I don't reciprocate his feelings, and for another, his intentions still seem self centered. I wonder what it'll be like when he finally does imprint on somebody, though I'd be lying if I said the whole thing didn't slightly creep me out.

Then again, I'd follow Edward to the ends of the earth – today, even, if he was leaving that soon. So how is what we have so different? Loving him is impractical and every day since he's returned has left me mixed up and turned inside out, yet… I'd do anything for him, and to be with him.

Rachel goes to the back to grab her bag, and Leah turns to me. "You ready, Bell?"

Nodding, I pick up the cash drawer to transfer it to the back office, careful not to put too much weight on my wrist. It's healed for the most part, but I still baby it a bit.

We chat lightly on the way home, mostly about our day and the particulars of our jobs. If Leah has noticed a change in my behavior of late, she hides it well, but honestly I doubt she has. She, Charlie and Sue seem all too relieved to accept this mellowed out version of me, and I guess I can hardly blame them. There's only so long a person can live with another's pain before compassion fatigue sets in. When it boils down to it, we're selfish creatures, even with regard to those we love. We see what we want to see, and right now, my family sees my calm acceptance. They think I'm letting go, when really, Edward's secret return has filled the hole in my heart.

Despite all that, our home is beginning to feel crowded to me. If I didn't have to hide Edward things would be fine, but as things are, it's a stressful situation. He often comes to me at night, and while his heightened senses keep us safe and guarded, I wish there was another way — another place— where we could spend time together. I'm tired of sneaking and pretending, especially about something so huge. It's mentally taxing.

By the time we pull in to the driveway at home, the weather has worsened considerably. Rain falls so hard it's sideways, soaking us as we make the short run inside.

"Ugh," says Leah as we take our soggy sneakers off just inside the door. I peel my socks off, too, before walking through to where Sue's cooking something awesome smelling in the kitchen.

"I'm so glad you girls got home," she says, relief evident in her eyes. "It's only going to get nastier out there."

"Sam's on his way," calls Leah, passing by on her way to the bathroom.

My heart sinks. Edward was able to sneak past the wolves in the woods (and humans in the house) for weeks before I was even aware of it, but now that I know, it stresses me out thinking we could get caught. Up until recently, the people around me were a support system. They made me feel protected, and they guided me through one of the roughest times of my life. Now I feel smothered by them, and I have no idea how to extricate myself from their near constant vigil.

Outside, the sky is so grey it's almost black, adding to the dim dreariness inside the Inn. It's claustrophobic. Leah's already in the shower, so I toss my wet clothes in to the washing machine and wrap myself in a bathrobe until it's my turn. I check my emails and instant messenger, hoping for a note from Edward, but there's nothing. He's come by every night since he revealed himself to me, but I'm not so sure about tonight.

* * *

The downpour is deafening now, the wind howling violently through the trees outside, occasionally rattling the windows. Normally I love being cozied up inside during storms, but tonight I just feel lonely. Apparently all it takes is a week with Edward to make me a codependent mess.

Well, that's not quite true. I was probably a codependent mess before he left for Brazil.

A flash of lightning illuminates my room, followed by thunder, and then Edward is standing there, water dripping from his hair. It's disturbing, how intensely happy and whole seeing him makes me. Maybe I've done a little imprinting of my own, after all.

I sit up in bed. "I didn't think you'd come."

"And leave you alone in this?" He shakes his head. "Not a chance."

"Well, technically, I'm not alone," I say, smiling, teasing.

"So you're cool, then? I can take off?" he teases back, arching an eyebrow. He makes like he's going to leave again, but I toss my quilt off. He's relaxed some over the past week, and bit by bit I'm seeing signs of the lighthearted human I feel for. It's like he trusts himself more, trusts the situation.

"Get over here."

"Actually… I was wondering if you wanted to come with me."

"Right now? In the rain?"

"I drove tonight. Parked down the road."

"I don't know; it's pretty brutal out," I say, knowing that I'd probably leave with him during a typhoon or tsunami. Of course I want to go – I just don't know if I'll be able to swing it. Edward's visit is earlier than usual, and while Charlie, Sue and Emily are most likely asleep, I doubt Sam and Leah are.

"We won't be out in it long."

"You think it'll be safe?" I ask, swinging my legs out of bed. "Leaving?"

"Everyone's either asleep or…" He cocks his head like he's listening to something, grinning suggestively. "Otherwise engaged."

"Gross," I mutter, hoping to God he's talking about Leah and Sam as I pull a raincoat on over my pajamas.

He chuckles, watching me dress. "I can have you back early in the morning…"

"Maybe I should lock my door, too?"

"Probably."

Outside, conditions are twice as bad as I'd thought. Halfway out the window, lightning flashes again and I recoil, looking questioningly at Edward. In one quick move he's got me in his arms, with the window shut behind us.

"Close your eyes," he says, and I do. Not because I'm compelled, but because I'm nervous.

A couple of nauseating seconds later he deposits me in to the passenger seat of the Volvo. Damn, he moves fast. I'm nowhere near as soaked as I should be, but despite Edward's efforts I'm still rather damp. But then I take a deep breath and the scent of this car brings back memories so strong I gasp, clutching at my seat.

Already in the driver's seat and switching on the heat, he clears his throat. "Are you okay?"

Nodding, I buckle my seatbelt. "I just… we had a lot of good times in this car."

He pauses, letting the keys dangle from the ignition. "Yeah, we did."

I can feel him watching me, and I know he's remembering the same things I do: kisses, songs on the radio, holding hands…the way he's doing now. Gone are his warm, gentle hands reaching across the console, but I'm finding it harder and harder to care.

"So…where were you today?" I ask, swishing my thumb over his fingers. "What did you do?"

"I went hunting," he says, glancing at me. "With Carlisle."

I nod in understanding. He'd said he might do that, since it had been awhile since last he'd eaten. At first, the notion of Edward running through the woods, searching for animals to drain, disturbed and scared me. The more I thought about it, though, the more grateful I felt that they were animals and not people he was drinking from. It's still bizarre, but so are compelling and shape shifters, so I'm slowly coming to terms with this new aspect of Edward's life.

Carlisle's staying at a hotel in Port Angeles, and according to Edward, he checks up on him almost every day, even if it's just for a quick visit. I wonder how long he'll be willing to do this – I imagine his wife must miss him, especially if they're as close as Edward says they are.

Needless to say, we're the only ones crazy enough to be on the road. It's a quick trip back to his house, where he pulls right in to the garage. His parent's car sits there still, and my heart twists when I see it. I wonder what Edward plans to do with the vehicle, if he thinks about selling it or keeping it for sentimental value. The few times we've talked about them, he's become nearly overcome with grief. I can't bear to bring them up myself yet, no matter how much I want to know.

"No wonder I didn't see your car last time," I say instead, musing aloud at Edward's choice to park inside.

"Yeah, well… I never really used the garage before…you know that…but it made sense to leave it in here while we were away."

We get out of the car and walk through the side door leading into the kitchen. The smell of rain has replaced the stuffiness I smelled last time I was here, prompting me to think he must have opened the windows. It's drafty, almost as cold in here as it was out there, and I shudder, wishing I'd worn more than just a flimsy rain slicker over my clothes.

It takes a while for my eyes to adjust as I follow Edward through the darkened house. He leaves the lights off, but holds my hand so that I don't stumble. At the stairs, he pulls me closer, and then hoists me on to his back. I shriek in surprise, and giggle when he jets up the stairs and down the hall, loving his more playful side that's slowly reemerging. I assume we're going to his room, but when he finally turns on a light, it's in his parent's bathroom. I start to get down, but he holds fast with one arm while starting the shower with the other.

"You need to warm up."

I'm about to tell him I already had a shower for the evening, but I'm shivering, and the steam and heat are really appealing, so I don't.

"You can let me down now," I say, kissing his ear.

He lets me down slowly, smiling briefly over his shoulder. It's the oddest thing: his eye color is different, but they're still the same eyes.

We stand in silence as the shower pounds next to us. I keep waiting for him to leave the room, but when he doesn't, I turn to him. "Are you…do you want to come in with me?" I cringe inwardly at my voice, all shaky and little girl-like.

His eyes are lighter than they were last night, and yet somehow, they darken. "No."

That might be for the best, I suppose. I remove my shoes and rain slicker, and by the time I start on my damp pajamas, Edward's gone. A plush, folded towel sits on the counter. I don't know if it was there all along or if he just put it there.

The shower feels great. It's beautiful in here. The entire house is this way; quiet elegance, classy simplicity. It's subtle, but the best of everything – even in the shower, where water comes not just from above, but from the walls as well. I stand still, letting it relax and warm me up again.

Eventually my eyes drift open and focus. On the other side of the glass, Edward watches me. His presence should unnerve me, and it does, but not as much as it arouses me. For a long moment we stare at one another, ensnared, hunted and hunter.

His shoes are already gone. He drops his jacket on the floor, followed by his shirt.

When I asked him to join me earlier, I did it assuming he'd refuse in his ongoing quest to protect both my life and my virtue. He would rather die himself than take the first, but now I'm not so sure about the second. His rules seem to have changed. It's not anything he's said…it's in the way he moves, panther-like and stalking, the way he looks at me when we kiss. When he first came back, he seemed too afraid to even touch me, but once he realized that he could do it safely, he went headstrong in the other direction. Human Edward was no saint, despite his refusal to have sex, but Vampire Edward is a different story altogether. I wonder if his convictions have changed. His morals? His needs.

The thought that he may have done this before, with someone else, before he came back to me, whispers insidiously through my mind. I don't even know why I'm thinking like that, except that he's so much bolder than before, experienced, like he's running on instinct and not the careful control of last summer. I avert my eyes, too conflicted to watch his approach.

He stops inches away, still wearing his jeans, which is kind of silly but also kind of hot. They're wet and heavy looking now, dragging down off his hips. As for me…well, Edward's never seen me so naked. I think we both knew before that if he had, we'd have probably had sex.

I blink up at him, wiping water from my face as I start to speak, but he presses closer and quiets me with his mouth. Gently, as if I'm breakable – and with him I truly am – he grasps my hip with one hand and my neck with the other. The hot water is starting to warm his body, making it comfortable for us to be this close.

For a moment we remain that way, connected only at the lips and the places where he holds me. I realize that he's taking inventory of the things that mean I'm alive by breathing me in, resting his thumb on the pulse point in my neck. I exhale slowly, in to his mouth, and touch his stomach, running my finger tips over his belly button. He trails his fingers over my hip, up my waist to my stomach, to my breast. It's the first time we've had this kind of skin to skin contact since the night before he left for Brazil, and I shudder with remembrance and desire.

His lips close over my bottom one briefly before letting go. He does it again and again until my tongue reaches reflexively for his, and then he takes it deeper, tilting his face and plunging his tongue in to my mouth. He settles me against the wall, pressing our bodies together. Moaning, I kiss him back, giving as good as I'm getting. The blackout comes on swiftly, accelerated by the heat.

Holding me tighter to make sure I don't collapse, he pulls away from the kiss. I feel him drag his lips and teeth gently over my throat as I gasp for breath, and I pull him closer still, nearly overcome with wanting. He hikes me up so that my legs wrap around his waist.

"What're you doing in here?" I whisper, knowing he can hear me even over the rush of water.

"You smelled so good."

"Okay…" I mumble, trying to clear my head.

"The water…the rain, the shower…makes your scent even stronger. I tried to stay away, but I just can't."

"Then don't."

"I want to touch you," he says, his face still buried in my neck.

"Touch me," I echo, agreeing.

"Bella…"

I run my hands over the arms that hold me, still dazed by his deliciously venomous kisses. He might not be compelling me with his words, but I don't think he has to. His body seems to do it for him.

"Bella," he says again, pulling back.

His wet jeans are rough between us, making me feel even more naked. "Please…" I try to pull his face back to mine for another kiss, but he resists and slowly lets my legs down.

"No," he says weakly.

"Why not?" I groan, finally with it enough to be tired of his back and forth. "Just go. I'll be right out." I give him a shove, but he doesn't move. "I'm serious, Edward. Give me a minute."

He lets go of me completely, but doesn't move. We watch one another warily, a battle of control.

"Edward," I say, needing to know. "Are you still a virgin?"

He frowns, obviously not having expecting that question to come out of my mouth. "Yes."

"You didn't meet anybody while you were gone?

"When would I have met someone?" he asks, incredulous. "Why would I have? Did you? Did you meet someone else?"

A look so dark takes over his features that it frightens me. I want to explain that it's the heightened eroticism between us, the new aggression that has me wondering, and nothing more, but then he's gripping me again, sliding his hand between my legs.

"No one else," I whimper, grabbing ineffectually at his hand.

Who am I kidding? I've wanted to feel this since he came back.

Since he left.

Since we met.

He goes for my neck again, sucking hard on the skin without breaking it. Between his fingers sliding wetly in and out of me and his tongue and teeth on my throat, I feel like I could come any second. I hold on to him, not trusting myself to stand, but it's futile because his skin is wet and slippery and I might fall anyway.

His kiss is sudden, filling me with euphoria as I come.

* * *

The wet jeans are long gone, thank God, replaced by dry underwear.

My own clothing is hanging over a chair, and the shirt I wear is his.

I want to make him feel the way he made me feel in the shower, but so far he's resisted my advances, keeping my wrists gently bound in his hands. What I'd really like is to make love to him, but I'd settle for watching him come in my hands. That is, if he'd even allow that. He babies my healing wrist even more than I do.

"But why not?" I ask, grazing his erection with my knee. "You want to."

"Of course I want to," he sighs, letting go to roughly scrub a hand over his face. "We've been over this…"

"We really have," I butt in, rather sarcastically. "It's just like old times, except we've regressed right back to the very beginning of our relationship."

"It's not just like that."

"How so?"

"Because that was about taking it slow…showing you that you meant more to me than sex or whatever."

"But now you're afraid you'll hurt me," I guess, knowing I'm right by the look in his eyes when they finally meet mine. I respect his concern and care, I do, but at the same time I need him to treat me as his equal, no matter how different we may be.

"Hurt you? Bella, I could break you."

"Not if we're careful."

"I'm trying to be careful right now."

Frustration itches through me, and I sit up so that I can straddle him. He lets me, but stays tense, keeping me restrained. I know he's afraid that something could go wrong, but I think otherwise. He's always taken care of me before. I know that he has the remaining shred of humanity within, and that it'll keep him from harming me. I've told him all of this before, but he doesn't seem to agree.

"Why are you so insistent, anyway?" he asks. "I…got you off."

Rationally, I know he doesn't mean to hurt my feelings, but his words leave me so hollow. Defeated, I slip off of him and lay down on my side, facing away as I pull the comforter up over my body. This was not the way I envisioned our night going. Not at all. Edward curves around me, his chin resting on my shoulder. The heat from the shower is wearing off fast, and despite the heater being on in the house, he's starting to make me shiver.

"I didn't mean it like that," he whispers.

"Yeah, you did," I say, shrugging. A tear runs down my face, but he catches it before I can.

Sighing, he holds me tighter. "Talk to me."

It all comes out, the things that have been rattling around my heart and mind, in one breathless exhale. "You make me feel desperate and needy, like I'm the only one who's trying. I want your love, and while you say it's mine, I don't feel it. I want your future, but you won't give it to me. I want to feel close to you physically, but you hold back. There's only so much rejection I can take, Edward. I'm not sure what's worse: having you when you were physically gone, or having you close but knowing you're emotionally gone."

"You have me, I swear," he says, in this strangled sob of a voice. "I'd do anything for you. You're the one thing that got me through all of this when I was gone, and you're what keeps me grounded now. You're the only reason I haven't disassociated from Carlisle and his family."

I freeze, thinking of the implications of what that means.

"You keep me human. Alive. If anything happened to you, I'd die. I'd truly die. I don't have anything else to live for…"

"You have to have things to live for, besides me." Even as I say it, I realize how true this is for me, too. I have to build my life in a way that includes Edward but that doesn't revolve around him completely. It's making me miserable, giving him the amount of control over me that I do. It's control he doesn't even want anyway, and it's not fair of me to shove it at him.

"Maybe, but right now, you're all I see." He rolls me back over so that I'm gazing up at him. "My body runs differently now. It's like… my instincts take over, and there's this really weird, primal link between sex and blood and hunting and…I don't even know. Like when I went hunting with Carlisle, he left so we could run separately. And I was just…out in the middle of nowhere… amped up on adrenaline, taking down everything that crossed my path, and I got really, really horny." He furrows his brow, looking so disturbed and weirded out that I laugh quietly. "I asked Carlisle about it later. He said that's why mated pairs often hunt together."

I mentally connect the dots. "So they hunt and then do it? In the wilderness?"

"I guess," he snorts, still frowning. "Man, they're always going at it though."

"The other couples?"

"Yeah. I'm glad to be away from that."

"That must be..." I frown, imagining. "Frustrating."

"You have no idea," he says, running his hand through my hair. "Bella, all I wanna do when I see you is get inside."

My heart clenches, and so do my thighs. "I want that, too," I breathe.

"I know…but just… give me time. Time to gain a little control," he pleads. "I could so easily lose it with you."

And I finally understand. I reach and up and bring him in to my arms. It's not a _no._ It's just a _not right now_. "Okay."

"You have me, I promise," he says again. "Forever."

The flicker of hope I've been clinging to flares. "Really?"

"Really." He gets out of bed, leaving the blankets and my embrace. "In fact… I have something for you."

* * *

_Late last July_

Charlie was a regular at the diner, so much so that he had his own booth.

We sat across from one another during a long over-due lunch date, chatting quietly over steak and then cobbler. There had been a time when these little dates of ours occurred quite frequently, but busyness, and the all consuming nature of my relationship with Edward, had kept it from happening for quite some time.

"So," I said, clearing my throat as I prepared to change the subject. "I've decided to stay in Washington for college."

It was subtle, but his eyes lit up. He was actually the first person I'd told. "Really?"

I dragged my French fry through a puddle of ketchup. "Yeah."

"That's great, Bells. I was worried I'd have to see you off again." He kept his tone light, but I could see how much it meant to him. It made me feel even more strongly about my decision, how right it truly was for me.

"No… I'm staying. Phoenix is great, and I'd like to visit Mom again soon but… I'm done living there."

He nodded. "Understood."

"I'm gonna start in the spring."

"Oh, so you're not waiting it out after all?" he asked, referring to my original plan of taking a year off before starting school.

"No, no. I'm ready, I think."

I'd wanted to take a year off because after an intense and hectic senior year complete with AP classes, the National Honor Society, and an after school job, I needed the break. But my relationship with Edward changed all that. I felt refreshed, and the prospect of being on the same campus as my boyfriend seemed too good to pass up.

"Do you know what you want to do until then?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Not sure, really. I want to help out around the Inn, obviously..."

Also, Leah and Sam had been talking about a potential road trip sometime after Christmas. They said I could tag along, and that a couple of other kids from La Push might be going, too. I hadn't decided if I was going for sure, but it sounded fun. It would be nice to have something amazing of my own if Edward decided to go ahead and travel with his parents.

I kept that possibility to myself, though. Charlie could be a little protective when it came to stuff like that, and wandering across the country with people my age would surely freak him out. I figured I'd cross that bridge when I got to it.

"Well, congratulations on making your decision," Charlie said, smirking a little as he raised his glass of Coke in a toast.

I clinked my glass against his and smiled, glad he was on board with me.

* * *

The waves at La Push crashed gently just beyond the dark, ebbing and flowing under a night sky. On the shore, Edward and I sat on our blanket close to the fire, talking and people watching. The turnout was a lot bigger than anyone had expected. Word traveled fast in Forks, and instead of an intimate gathering, the bonfire had turned in to quite the rager.

Summer was coming to a close. Like a lot of people, Angela and Ben were leaving the following weekend. They had been on the beach with us up until recently; I had a feeling they'd disappeared to fog up the windows in his car. There was a slightly desperate feel to the celebration, like everyone knew that this was it for a while. The next time we'd all be together would be Christmas break.

But I tried not to think too much about all that. The night was young, and as balmy as the Olympic Peninsula got…which wasn't saying much, seeing most people still had their hoodies on. We'd even brought marshmallows to roast, and my fingers were sticky from it.

Something was up with Jake, though. He'd approached me earlier, when Edward went to get us things to drink from the cooler in his car.

"You guys seem pretty serious," he'd said, crouching beside me.

"I guess we are." I'd nodded, twisting around to watch Edward talk with someone as he made his way back.

"And that's good for you?"

I'd paused, really looking Jake in the eye. He'd been drinking, but he wasn't drunk or anything. I wondered where this sudden interest in my love life was coming from. If I didn't know any better, I'd suspect Charlie of enlisting Jake to keep an eye on Edward and me. "It's perfect."

And then I saw it – a flicker of something, disappointment maybe. He nodded and stood up, brushing sand from his shorts. "Well…I'm here if you ever need me, okay?"

"Thanks," I'd said, and meant it. Jake and I had been friends since we were toddlers, a friendship that had lasted in spite of the years and miles. He'd always had my back.

He'd looked like he wanted to say more, but then shook his head instead and left, ambling back to his friends.

Edward leaned in to me now, jostling me from my reverie. "What's up?"

"Just thinking of what Jake said earlier."

"Who knows? Maybe he likes you a little," Edward said, shrugging dismissively.

"Jake?" I laughed. "No way. He's like my little brother."

Edward smirked, shaking his head. "Okay…"

I rolled my eyes at what he was insinuating. Before tonight, I'd never had any reason to believe that Jake saw me as anything more than a friend. Family, even. If there _was_ something else, he was just going to have to get past it because that would be too weird for words.

Edward held out a water bottle and I took it gratefully, thirsty from the junk food we'd been eating earlier. I still hadn't told him about my decision to stay, yet. I wasn't sure what I was waiting for. Despite the ease with which we shared our goals and future plans, even our dreams, sometimes I felt like things were too easy. Like they were too good, and it was inevitable something was going to come along and level it all out. Waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop, I guessed.

It wasn't until we were in the car, on the way to Edward's, that I blurted out my news.

"I sent in my paperwork for spring semester."

He raised his eyebrows. "You did?"

"Yeah. I'm going to UW."

Smiling faintly, he nodded. "Good choice."

He wasn't jumping out of his seat with pure, unadulterated excitement or anything, but I had a feeling that was because he'd probably known all along I'd make this decision. Having it be so certain and definitive was such a relief for me, though. "Yeah, I think so. Leah loves it and she'll be around if I really need her. Ange, too."

"A lot of people we know go there," he agreed, pulling up to his house. "Like me." He winked at me, and I smiled at his sauciness.

We parked and went inside quietly. The hour was late, and though the lights had been left on for us, his parents usually went to bed early. Edward seemed thoughtful. Like always, he took my hand and led me up the stairs, down the hall and in to his bedroom. And, like our routine dictated, I slipped off my shoes and dropped my purse before curling up on his bed.

"I have news too, I guess," he said, his casual tone belying the abruptly anxious expression on his face.

I narrowed my eyes at him. He'd seemed mellow tonight, but not secretive. Then again, I'd been so preoccupied with telling him about UW, I'd probably missed the signs.

Not caring that I was stealing his thunder, I spoke before he could. "You're going to Brazil, aren't you?"

He flopped down beside me, pulling me close. "I just decided today. I was talking to my Dad, and I just... it feels right."

None of this was a surprise. Like he'd known I'd choose UW, I'd always known that this was a very real possibility. Still, I couldn't help the disappointment that pitted in my belly. It would have been one thing to send Edward off to Seattle a semester before I'd be going myself. That kind of separation was easy to handle; I could have easily visited him on the weekends or seen him when he came back to Forks.

But no, now he'd be halfway across the world, with continents and oceans and jungles between us.

"When do you leave?"

"In about two weeks."

I turned to him, wide eyed. "Are you serious?"

He nodded, pushing my hair from my eyes.

"That's so soon," I whispered, trying to tamp down the dread. "And you'll be gone for how long?"

"Three or four months," he said. "Probably three. It depends."

I didn't bother asking what it depended on; the point was he was leaving, and for a substantial chunk of time.

"Bella," he sighed.

I didn't want this to be a point of contention between us. In the grand scheme of things, this separation would be minor, and I needed Edward to know I supported him, even if I'd miss him like crazy.

"It's okay," I said, kissing his cheek. "I'm not happy you're going to be gone from me, but I am happy you're doing something that's important _to you_. It's a pretty amazing opportunity...you said yourself most people don't get to do this until they're older, right?"

"Right," he said, probably seeing right through me. He smiled wryly. "I guess I didn't factor in a girlfriend when I started thinking about doing this."

"We'll make it work. You'll be able to call... or write or whatever."

"I'm sure I will. My parents always found ways, before."

Knowing we'd be apart for so long bummed me out, but suddenly, gazing at him right then, I knew we'd make it. It would be just one of many blips on the radar. I was determined to make the most of his time in Forks, so that when he did finally leave for Brazil, we'd be solid.

* * *

Edward sat up, blinking. "Did you just take a picture of me sleeping?" He peered at me accusingly.

I nodded smugly. "Yup."

He swiped at my phone, but I dodged him. "You've been doing that all week."

"I'll need these to get me through the rough times," I said, shrugging. I said it like I was kidding, keeping my tone light, not wanting to hint at the consternation I felt at his impending absence. Edward was excited about the trip, even though I knew he felt conflicted about leaving me, and I didn't want to be emo and gloomy. That would be selfish.

Back and forth, back and forth, like mental ping pong: my feelings, his feelings. What he deserved, what I deserved. I knew what the right thing was – Edward going on the trip. It just wasn't what I wanted. I had to keep in mind that I'd want Edward to "let" me go in a similar situation, as well.

"Lemme see," he said, holding out his hand. I gave him my phone and sat beside him, laughing along with him as we viewed the pictures. There really were so many saved on there. I'd started taking them early on in our relationship, and I now had hundreds of images chronicling our days.

"I like this one," he chuckled, pausing at a shot of us in the backyard.

"I think your Mom took it," I said, remembering that day. I'd been trying to take it myself, when she'd taken pity on me and grabbed the phone.

He perused in silence, stopping to scrutinize a picture every once in a while. Eventually he sighed and handed it back to me. "Forward them to me?"

"Which ones?"

"All of them."

I nodded, grinning. "Okay."

He watched me for a second before rolling off the bed and walking over to his dresser. I went back to my pictures, getting completely lost in them again. The bed sank next to me, and Edward touched my arm.

"I wanted to show you something," he said.

I put the phone down and gazed expectantly at him.

From his pocket, Edward pulled a little pouch. "This was my great grandmother's. It's kind of an antique." He took my hand and emptied the pouch in to my palm. An ornate gold band toppled out.

Picking up the ring, I brought it closer so I could examine the detail, admiring how the engraved patterns nestled the tiny gems. I knew nothing about jewelry, but I sensed this was rare and unique, and probably very valuable.

"It's lovely," I breathed, giving it back and trying not to make assumptions as to why he was showing it to me.

He nodded. "My Dad gave this to me last year. Said to save it for someone special."

My heart fluttered.

"I want to give it to you," he whispered, reaching for me.

"No," I said, trembling. "I can't."

Edward's face fell. "Why not?"

Scooting closer, I slid my hand over to his, holding it. "Because…it feels too much like goodbye this way. Like an ending. Save it for when you come back. I want it to feel like the beginning." Taking the ring now would be like I was accepting something to remember him by, and I couldn't bear that. I held my breath, hoping my sentiments made sense to him.

Apparently they did, because this shy, beautiful smile broke out on his face. "You're right. I'll give it to you the day I get back."

It had occurred to me before that this separation would either make us or break us. After today, I had no doubt that we'd not only survive, we'd absolutely thrive.

Together.

* * *

**_to those of you who celebrate it, happy thanksgiving. though... i'd venture to say we can all be thankful beings. what are you thankful for today?_**

**_please review. i'd love to hear your thoughts. and thanks to you who always do. *hugs*_**

_i feel like _

**_Andain's "Promises" - KOAN Sound Remix_**

_is fitting for this story._


	10. Selfish & Selfless

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my betawife, nic, for being all mind-melty with me so we can share ideas and pretty pictures._

* * *

For the first time in months, I'm by myself in the woods behind the Inn. Now that I know the Unseen are really just Edward and maybe the wolves, depending, I'm no longer afraid. The feeling of being watched lurks, and while the way it keeps the forest quiet, as if lesser prey have long since left to avoid the presence of something dangerous, I find comfort in knowing that I, at least, am safe.

Sloshing through mud puddles, I run my hands over mossy bark and wet leaves, letting rainwater trickle between my fingertips. The tiny diamonds on the ring Edward gave me are lovely when they catch the light, twinkling quietly like the raindrops that cling to leaves after last night's storm.

Oddly, it's a perfect fit, as if this ring was made for my finger…and maybe it was. The look on Edward's face when he realized this plays on a continual loop through my mind's eye. His eyes searching mine, and the subsequent smile of relief.

I laugh to myself now, wondering: doesn't this boy know he's _every_thing? That the words and gestures are sweet but what we have is infinitely sweeter?

It's been a long time since I've enjoyed my own company this way. Rachel, like a lot of the shopkeepers downtown, opted not to open today due to the minor flooding down Main Street. Even though we'd been expecting the storm, the amount of rain took everyone by surprise. That's saying a lot, seeing we live in one of the wettest places on the planet.

I don't know where Edward is. He dropped me home early this morning, when nighttime met daybreak in a brush of blue, promising, as always, to contact me later. I'm not as anxious as I usually am. This ring he gave me signifies his commitment, and I know that he will never leave me again.

Underbrush and leaves crunch greenly nearby, and I pause, scanning my surroundings with meager human eyes and ears. Sunlight dapples through the canopy of trees overhead, and for a moment the play of light hinders me from seeing what's there. But then the wind blows, and the trees shift, and from the bushes emerges an abnormally large wolf with reddish brown fur. My fight or flight instincts flash momentarily through me before I take a breath and force myself to get a grip.

Before I can speak, though, he slinks back off in to the shadows, leaving me to wonder if he was ever really there at all.

* * *

"So now you _do_ take walks through the woods?" Leah asks, arching an eyebrow.

I sigh, all at once at the end of my rope with her intrusiveness. It's becoming harder and harder to tell if her attitude is bossy or caring.

"Bella –"

"Jeez, Leah, _yes._ Okay? Yes. I needed to be outside. I needed –"

"Fresh air," she finishes.

"Right."

We eye one another. I turn on my heel, intent on hiding out in my room for awhile.

"I don't mean to smother you –"

"Oh really? Because that's all you do, lately," I snap, regretting immediately the way her face falls. But my stubborn nature, a part of me that got a bit mashed down during the months of wondering and grief, keeps me from apologizing. Even though I kind of want to.

"I'm just looking out for you," she explains, shaking her head. "We think there might be a vampire passing through. I didn't want to tell you and freak you out, but if you're going to be spending time outside, then…"

She pauses, her eyes darting nervously toward a window. Now I feel guilty; I know who the wolves are subconsciously sensing even though they don't think they have proof yet. There's no way I can appease them and protect Edward, though.

"Has…Jake been patrolling?" I ask, wondering if he's gone rogue or something.

"Yeah." Leah nods once.

"Oh. I thought I saw him."

She frowns. "He's supposed to keep a low profile."

"Maybe he was making a point." I can totally imagine Jake sulking that he's still on probation when it comes to me. He wanted me to see him today, wanted me to know he was helping protect me. I just hope he hasn't been watching too closely, because he mightn't like what he sees. Then again, if Jake had seen Edward, all of Forks would've heard about it by now, or at least the rest of the tribe.

"Probably." She rolls her eyes. "It was bad enough before, but now that the threat seems stronger, he insists on being close by."

"I promise I'll be careful, then… but beyond protecting the perimeter – or whatever it is you guys do – I need space. Personal space," I say, grabbing her hand. "I feel like everything I do is monitored, and maybe I needed that for awhile but I don't need it anymore. I'm… feeling better." I keep my voice even, not wanting my change of attitude to seem sudden or suspect.

She nods. "I see that. It's a good thing, Bella. Maybe… I don't know."

I have a feeling she wants to reassure me about Edward, like she did when we discussed him before, but doesn't want to breech that topic in case I react badly. I can't say I blame her. Last time, I cried about it. Balancing the old me – the one who was in limbo because of Edward's disappearance – with the current, happier, at peace me is like walking a tight rope. I can't let changes in my disposition arouse suspicion.

"Just watch it out there," she says finally, exhaling. "At least until we know what's going on?"

"Will do." I squeeze her arm and duck in to the safety and quiet of my room.

The beginnings of a plan have been rumbling around my head since this morning, but with the news that the wolves are on high alert, I know now what I need to do. Because even when this "threat" passes, there will always be something, and I just can't live like this anymore.

* * *

"Summer courses?" Edward sounds incredulous, but also excited. I feel the same way: this might be a solution – albeit temporary – to our problem. "But what about all of the paperwork? Weren't you going to go back in the fall?"

I glance around the parking lot, making sure we're still alone. Edward's car idles just beside mine, so that he can leave on a moment's notice if necessary. "Yeah, but I'd deferred once before, so I'm hoping I can just switch things around again. And if I can't, then I'll just tell Charlie I need time away, that I want to work or something in Seattle."

"Like he'll agree to that," scoffs Edward. "You think _I'm _protective? That's your father..."

"Hey, I can be compelling too, you know," I tease. "Maybe differently than how you would do it, but –"

"Actually, that gives me an idea."

"You're not using compulsion on Charlie."

"Never said I was."

I finger the ring he gave me, which I keep in my pocket when I'm around other people. "Then…?"

"Admissions," he says, smirking. "I know the campus of UW like the back of my hand. Do you know how easy it would be to get in, fix the paperwork, and send you your acceptance letter?"

"I already have an acceptance letter," I tell him.

"Not for summer, you don't," he says, looking pleased. "If the school can guarantee your admission, I'm guessing Charlie won't have an issue letting you leave."

It's a good idea, if not a little shady. Luckily I'm not above shadiness in situations such as this.

"I'm surprised you're going for this," I admit.

"Why?" he asks curiously.

"Because… I don't know. You're so cautious these days. Definitely not as impulsive as before."

"Well, can you blame me?" He chuckles darkly. "If I started listing all the reasons I have to be careful, with you and with being in Forks, we'd be here all day."

"Point taken."

"But in this case, it'll be good for you to leave Forks. Your wolves are right: there are three vampires in the area. Carlisle's been keeping an eye on them since they passed by Port Angeles."

My heart leaps in to my throat. "Are you serious?"

He pulls me closer, probably sensing my unease. Ducking his head, he runs his nose along my neck. "In fact, I'd feel better if you got out of here immediately."

"But what would I tell Charlie?"

"That you're going to see a friend. Isn't Angela still in Seattle? Spring semester isn't over for another month at least."

"But…what about my family? My friends? Shouldn't we warn them?" I ask, knowing even as the words leave my mouth how nonsensical they sound.

"If by your friends you mean the wolves, then I wouldn't worry. They're more than capable of dealing with this, especially since they outnumber the travelers," he says. "And as for your family, I think Leah and Sam have that under control. I'll be honest, Bella, I want you out of town for selfish purposes… I won't be able to relax knowing that you're in the same vicinity as a trio of vampires when I can't be there myself. I can protect you best when you're with me."

I close my eyes as he kisses me along my throat and behind my ear. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you've thought a lot about all of this."

"Nope, I'm just a quick thinker."

"Another vampire trait?" I murmur, only half teasing.

"That's all me," he whispers, kissing my cheek before releasing me. My phone chimes, letting me know my lunch break is almost over. With things as close as they are at my house, and the wolves watching the woods in general, this is the only way Edward and I felt safe meeting today.

From the way Leah made it sound earlier, according to the tribe, the perceived threat is avoiding town for now and so are the wolves, giving us this tiny window of opportunity to see one another.

Sighing heavily, I stow my phone and turn to Edward, who already has one foot out the door. "So you'll be in Port Angeles tonight, then, to see Carlisle?"

"Maybe. I don't know yet," he says, troubled. "On one hand, I don't want to add to the wolves' senses and suspicion by staying, but on the other I don't want to be too far away from you if anything goes down."

"Do you think anything will?" I ask, clenching the steering wheel anxiously. "Go down?"

He shrugs. "It's hard to say for sure, but if the read I'm getting on their thoughts is accurate, they're not here for trouble and they don't plan on staying long. Still, I'd feel better if you gave Angela a call. I'll go to Seattle if you do. Either that, or you should stay at the Inn this weekend."

Being stuck inside the Inn with parents, a little sister and a pack of nosy, overly protective shape shifters sounds absolutely maddening, so contacting Angela it is. "I'll call her as soon as I get back to the store."

"Good," he says, nodding. "It'll be easier for us to hang out in the city."

I'm already thinking of ways to do this very thing. "I'll text you when my plans are concrete."

He leans back in to kiss me quickly, and then slides out of my truck and in to his car.

Charlie's taken aback by my sudden request to spend the weekend in Seattle, but technically I'm an adult so there's nothing he can do about it. Besides, had things gone the way they were supposed to, I would have already been there for spring semester. It was only after Edward's disappearance that I ended up staying in Forks to wait until fall.

Well, that was my original, post high school intention – to take off a full year before starting college. It's no wonder my poor father's confused; he probably thinks I change plans like I change clothing.

And maybe I do, but there is _nothing _about my life that is typical. I was never a "go with the flow" type of person before, but when love, vampires and werewolves became a part of my every day existence, I learned pretty quickly how to wing it. The only thing certain about life is that nothing is certain.

My father is still frowning when I finish explaining my tentative plans, but then Leah of all people speaks up.

"Let her go, Charlie. It's better than moping around here, right?" She winks at me.

He shrugs, not that easily mollified. "I suppose."

"Forks gets old after awhile," Leah continues, mashing a banana in to her bowl of granola. She has her own reasons for wanting me out of town this weekend, though she doesn't know they're the same as Edward's. "Call me when you go, Bell. I'll give you the names of my favorite places to eat." She wanders out of the kitchen.

"I might try to get in for summer session, actually," I blurt. Might as well get it all out in the open, like ripping off a band aid.

Surprisingly, though, Charlie looks pleased at this. I guess hanging out with my friends in Seattle is suspect, but attending school there isn't? I give up trying to figure out the way his mind works. "That might be a good idea, Bells. It'll be good to have a little direction, something with a schedule. Keeps your mind right."

"I think so, too," I say, relieved I have his support. "It's time."

Angela isn't at home when I call, but she calls me back soon after.

"Sorry," she pants. "I was in class…in fact, I'm about to step in to another one…sorry…"

I let her ramble breathlessly for a moment before she finally asks if I'm okay.

"I'm…yeah. I am. Actually, I wanted to know if I could spend some time with you. There. On campus."

"Really?" she asks, sounding cautiously happy. "You'd come?"

To be fair, she's been asking me to visit since she started school, but I was always too busy, distracted, or depressed.

"Yeah. I miss you," I say, feeling awful that I'm using that as a reason even though it's totally true. I do miss her. "And I need a break from Forks."

"I was wondering when that would happen," she laughs. "Anyway, yeah. Come whenever; stay for as long as you want. I have a roommate, but she's pretty mellow about guests and stuff."

"Okay," I agree. Edward will be there, and he'll most likely end up getting a hotel room or something to stay close. If he does, I'm staying with him…but I'll figure that out when I get to the city. "I'll uh… I'll call you when I get there."

"Oh! Are you coming tonight?"

"I might. Is that okay?"

"I have a study group that might run a little late tonight, but you're totally welcome to crash here. I'll tell Carmen to just let you in."

Perfect.

* * *

After checking my oil and making sure I know how to change a tire, Charlie begrudgingly lets me hit the road. He makes me promise to call him as soon as I hit the halfway point, and again once I'm at Angela's.

He acts like it's because my truck is ancient, but I know my dad. He wouldn't let me drive the damn thing at all if he'd had misgivings about it. No, he's just being Charlie. I wouldn't have it any other way. After years of living with a sweet but rather flighty mother, where I often felt like the adult in the relationship, it's nice to be taken care of.

…To an extent. I'm ready for a modicum of independence now, freedom from both scenarios.

As soon as I pull on to the main road, I slip Edward's ring back on to my finger. It's too special not to attract questions and attention, and I haven't figured my way around that yet. I could say it was Mom's, or something, but lying about something as significant as this makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach. Then again, there have been lies of omission and straight up lies for weeks now. And the longer I stay with Edward there are only going to be more.

But for now the ring brings me peace. Peace in knowing my boyfriend's back safe, and he loves me, and he's mine as I am his.

I stop to stretch my legs and get gas before boarding the ferry. A silver Volvo pulls up alongside me, making me do a double take.

"Hey," Edward says, starting to fill his own gas tank.

"Have you…have you been following me this whole time?" I sputter.

"Yep."

"Why didn't we just ride together?"

"How would you have explained that to Charlie?"

He's got me, there. I smile, basking in the warmth of Edward's thoughtfulness and care.

He grins back crookedly, replacing the pump. "You want anything from inside?"

"I'm good, thanks."

We get back on the road. Even though my initial travel jitters dissipated long ago, I feel a whole lot better knowing he's so close.

Edward and I separate outside Angela's door. He wants to get things squared away with the hotel, and I need to meet Carmen by myself.

Bags at my feet, I knock steadily for nearly five minutes before giving up, wondering if she's not home, if maybe Angela's message got lost or confused, when the door swings open and I'm met by a tall, gorgeous girl with long, black hair.

"Bella?" she guesses, her voice husky like she smokes, or like she's just sexy by default.

"Hi, Carmen," I say, offering my hand.

Grinning, she takes it, squeezing. "Hey. Come on in...Angela said she'd try to cut her study thing short but...you know how those things go."

I don't, really, but I nod like I do. "That's fine. I appreciate you guys letting me crash here."

She waves me off. "Please, it's fine. Anyway, make yourself at home. I have a little reading to catch up on, but I'm here if you need me."

"Thanks."

She disappears in to what I assume is her room, keeping the door open just a crack. I'm hungry now, and wishing I'd taken Sue up on her offer to pack me food for the road. I'll just have to wait until Edward comes. Before Brazil, he'd already lived on this very campus for a year. He must know of all the best spots to grab food.

It hits me that for the first time since he came back, and probably since he was changed, we'll be able to do things like a normal couple, the way it used to be. He can't eat, obviously, but we can go on dates and spend time together without the scrutiny of others. There are people here who knew him before, and we'll need to be ready for what we'll say should we see them, but other than that I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my chest.

I turn on the television and toe my shoes off, settling back in to the couch. The drive tuckered me out more than I realized, and before long I start to doze.

* * *

"Bella. Bella!"

I awake with a shock, completely unused to my surroundings and the girl in front of me.

_Carmen. Ange's roommate._

"Hey," I say thickly, rubbing at my eyes.

She holds up my phone. "It's been ringing. Like, a lot."

"Shit," I whisper, searching blearily though my missed calls and texts. They're all from Edward, with the exception of one from Charlie. I call him back first, apologizing profusely and explaining that I passed out as soon as I got to the dorm room. I call Edward next, and he answers on the first ring.

"You fell asleep, didn't you?" he asks.

"How'd you guess?" I stifle a yawn, proving his conjecture.

"Why don't you just sleep tonight? I can come tomorrow."

"No!"

"Oh, okay," he says with a small laugh.

"How soon can you be here?"

I shouldn't be surprised by the knock at the door, but I am. "Show off," I grumble, going to answer it. After squinting through the peephole, I open it.

"I heard that," Edward says, sliding past me. His cold fingers find mine, passing over the ring before clasping them. "I was going to stop by anyway."

Instead of answering, I kiss him. He moves me further inside the room, kissing me back as the door shuts with a muted click.

He stiffens just barely, and I pull away, sensing Carmen's presence. Bashfully, I duck my head and turn around, embarrassed at being caught making out in her dorm.

"Carmen, this is–"

"Anthony. Hi," Edward says, looking intently at Carmen.

"Hi." She blinks back, dazzled.

It's the first time I've seen Edward use compulsion, but I roll with it. "Yeah. And Anthony, this is Angela's roommate, Carmen." He gives her a small wave, keeping his distance. I assume it's so that he doesn't have to shake her hand, either to avoid the issue of his cold skin, or maybe her expression, which has gone from dazed to somewhat lusty.

She's definitely the type of girl who is used to getting what she wants, and right now she's looking at my boyfriend like he's a juicy steak. Little does she know; if anyone was going to end up on the dinner menu, it sure as hell wouldn't be him.

"Nice to meet you," she says, folding her arms across her chest as she leans in her doorway.

"Likewise," Edward replies. "Bella, you ready?"

"Yep. See you later, Carmen. Edward's taking me to get something to eat."

She smiles knowingly. "Have fun."

Outside, I zip my jacket up against the light rain that's begun to fall. "Guess I'll have to get used to that."

"What?"

"Your vampire voodoo."

"I wouldn't have used it had she not been friends with Angela. I'm not supposed to be here."

"I understand." And I do. No need for additional complications just yet. "I'll also have to get used to girls reacting to your inhumanely perfect looks."

He shrugs. "It's a survival device. Helps us attract prey."

The detached way he says this sends an honest to goodness shiver up my spine. _Prey. I could be another vampire's prey. I could be his, if he didn't love me so much. _

Edward leans closer, sliding his arm around my waist. "I may not be able to read your mind, but I can read your body. Don't be afraid of me."

"I'm not."

His face falls. "Don't lie to me, either. You never did before."

"You're right; I'm sorry." I kiss his chin in apology, not wanting to ruin our chance of having an easygoing night to ourselves.

We've come to his car, parked on the curb not far from Angela's building. He leans me gently against it, pressing his body against mine. "I love you."

His words, and the look in his eyes, set me aglow. He's no predator; he's the guy I love. Every day he regains parts of his old self, re-becomes the person I knew and adored, and I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. It's a heady feeling, because while what we had before was beautiful, this feels so much more permanent.

"I love you, too."

* * *

Being in Seattle reminds me of how much I've missed city life. Forks has real estate on my heart, but there's no denying how tempting and exhilarating the sparkling nightlife of a metropolis can be.

Edward's hotel room is, of course, posh. He's used to a certain lifestyle, and I don't fault him for it. He says he stayed here with his parents once, right before leaving the country last summer, and that he'd really liked it at the time.

To put it mildly, Edward's loaded. Soon after returning to the states, Carlisle and Edward got in touch with both the Masen's lawyer and the executor of their estate. Because both offices are based in Seattle, it was easy to transfer the funds to Edward solely without having to actually go to Forks. Obviously, Edward _did_ end up going to Forks, but it was to secretly see me, not for the purpose of dealing with the house (which he's "sold" to Carlisle to effectively cut ties with the town) and his family's affairs.

While he doesn't spend wildly, Edward doesn't scrimp, either. We sprawl across the vast bed, lounging the night hours away in pajamas. I've already thrown out the empty containers from dinner –Thai takeout; the smell bothers Edward – and texted Angela to let her know I'm staying the night with a friend in the city, and that I'll be by in the morning to see her.

Something's been nagging me, though. "Edward."

He looks away from the movie we're half watching.

"One night, I swore I woke up outside. But when I got up in the morning, I was in bed…only, there was dried mud and grass on my feet. You were there that night, weren't you? Were you with me?"

His eyes narrow and he nods briskly. "That was the night you hit Jacob and had to go to the hospital."

"Yes! Yes, it was," I say, glad he remembers with such clarity.

"What about it?"

"Well, why was I outside? How did I get out there? And back in?"

"I brought you back in. You were pretty out of it."

"I was, wasn't I?"

"You were on medication; it made your blood smell funny."

"But how did I get out?" I ask. "That's been bothering me ever since."

"I don't know. You were on the ground when I got there. I carried you inside immediately. You kept saying my name, and I kept expecting you to wake up but you never did."

"Obviously, I talk in my sleep a lot. Do you think it's possible I sleepwalked, too?"

Edward frowns. "It's not likely, but it's not impossible. I mean, those meds were pretty hardcore."

"Well, thanks for taking care of me that night. Waking up outside, in the dark, was scary."

"It scared me, too. I started coming earlier after that, to make sure it didn't happen again."

We fall silent, and his attention once again goes to the TV screen. Mine goes to him. He can sit or lie completely still now, like a statue. It's kind of weird. His defenses are down around me, so the things he does to "appear human", something he says Carlisle has been teaching him, tend to be forgotten.

I toss a pillow at him, wanting attention. His profile faces me, and in it I see a smile starting. "What?"

"What do you mean, what?" I say, hitting him with another pillow.

I throw several more of varying shapes and sizes at him before he rolls on to his back, eyes gleaming dangerously. "You might want to behave, Bella."

"What, am I awakening a few more aggressive tendencies?" I taunt.

"You have no idea."

"I hate to break it to you, but you don't scare me right now."

He stands up. "You really shouldn't have said that."

All it takes is a split second. He's in the air and on top of me, flying us over the bed until we tumble on to the ground. I shriek loudly, grabbing at his t-shirt. His arms cradle me so that I don't feel any of the impact, but I'm breathless with shock. Letting me go slowly, he grins impishly as I melt on to the carpet, my heart racing.

Right as I open my mouth to speak, there's a knock at the door.

Edward's mischief is replaced by bemusement. Leaving me on the floor, he stands slowly, scratching his head, and goes to the door, not hesitating to open it to whomever is knocking.

"Yes, Alice?"

I pop my head up, trying to see. The last time I heard the name _Alice_ was when Edward was telling me about the members of Carlisle's family. Could it be…?

"Hey…I had a vision. I just wanted to make sure…you know," a female voice responds.

"Bella," Edward calls.

I stand immediately and straighten my shirt, slightly mortified. "Hi."

At the door stand a couple, just as flawless and lovely as Edward, though I'll always be partial to his particular features. The girl is dark haired and petite, wearing the sort of clothes I've only ever seen in magazines. Her male companion is much taller, perhaps even more so than Edward, and blond.

"Bella, meet Alice and Jasper."

* * *

_The first week of last August_

Time moved faster until it seemed as though there was no break between days. I was caught between wanting the hours that I was apart from Edward to speed up so I could see him again, and wanting the hours I was with him to drag so I could wring every drop from them.

It was never enough.

I had him explain it to me a thousand times: Doctors Without Borders. What it was, what it meant, what it meant to _him_. I wanted to be inside of his mind and have him firmly, safely inside of mine so that when he finally was gone, I could feel his presence.

Charlie sat me down one night after dinner while Sue was giving Emily a bath. Edward and his parents were having dinner at the home of family friends, and he wouldn't be by to see me until much later. Both the Masens and my father had been very patient with our incessant need to spend time together, seeming to understand that our relationship was serious.

I smiled shyly at Charlie, having a feeling I knew what the conversation would entail.

He smiled back wryly, messing with his mustache the way he did when he was in a pensive mood. "You're a lot like me," he said eventually.

"That's probably true," I said, thinking of our quiet dispositions, our propensity for using only the most necessary words. "I got my eyes from you."

He snorted, which made me giggle. "That you did."

"I'm kidding. But yeah, I guess I am like you. More than I'm like Renee, anyway."

"God bless her," Charlie sighed, nodding. "But…what I meant was, I think you love the way I do. It won't happen much for you, and so when it does, it will mean something. It'll be strong."

My heart clenched. I hadn't anticipated on expounding on my relationship with Edward, as it felt private and I wanted to savor it that way, but now the words were bubbling beneath the surface. "It _has_ happened, Dad."

He just nodded again, like he'd been expecting that. "I want you to be careful, Bells."

"Da –"

"Listen," he said, his eyes kind but stern. "I know you love that kid. You don't have to tell me; it's written all over your face. I like Edward. He comes from good people. But I need you to understand that the likelihood of you two staying together indefinitely is low. He has a very different lifestyle, and very different goals, than you do."

"I know that," I said, frowning in to my lap. "He and I've discussed this ad nauseum. We're willing to make it work, though."

"Every couple thinks they're different," he said. "Your mom and I thought we'd be different, too."

I squashed the urge to roll my eyes. It was of paramount importance I deal maturely with Charlie, otherwise I'd just be proving his point. "Charlie, I love you, but Edward and I are not you and Mom. We have completely different plans, not just as a couple, but as individuals too. We know it's not going to be easy, especially if Edward continues traveling like this, but we're willing to try. There's no way I could live with myself if I didn't try."

"Like I said…just like me," he said.

I regarded him momentarily. He wasn't being patronizing or condescending, just honest. And I knew that what he was saying was probably true, at least, from his standpoint. Just like I wouldn't be true to myself if I didn't give Edward my all, Charlie wouldn't be true to himself if he didn't voice his concerns. I got that, I really did. I just didn't agree with him.

Stubborn. So yeah, I guess I really was a lot like him.

* * *

Edward's flight would be leaving Seattle early Sunday morning. He'd already packed; I'd helped him. His parents had been taking these trips long enough that they knew exactly what he'd need and wouldn't need, which streamlined the process significantly.

On Friday night, I pulled up to Edward's and parked. The house appeared dark, like the lights were off, but I knew he was home because we'd just gotten off the phone.

I rang the doorbell, antsy for him to let me inside, already. The woods surrounding his house were just as dense and green as the ones around mine. Sometimes they were beautiful, but other times they were a little creepy, the stuff of dark fairytales.

"Hey you," Edward said, pulling me inside.

My bag hit the ground as we kissed. He was just as hungry as I was for all the intimacy we could squeeze in before Sunday.

"Mmph…what about your parents?" I gasped against his mouth.

"They're already gone," he said, barely breaking away. "They left a little while ago."

"I don't get it," I whispered, already half drunk with desire.

He kissed the corner of my mouth before moving away completely, bending to retrieve my bag from the floor. "I'll meet them at their hotel tomorrow night, and on Sunday we'll go to the airport together," he explained. "They wanted to give us this time together."

My eyes must have bugged out in surprise, because he laughed merrily.

"Sorry, my parents just aren't as progressive as yours are," I said, unable to keep from smiling, myself. "Well Charlie's not, anyway."

"They trust me," he said simply, taking my hand. "They know I'm waiting. _We're_ waiting."

I blushed at the notion of Edward's parents knowing such cozy details about our love life.

The Masen's backyard had become a haven of sorts, perfect for our summertime dalliances – especially at night. The days stretched and lingered in to the prettiest dusks, giving us sunsets that bloomed from orange to gold, and then sometimes purple.

Sometimes it was drizzling, and if we wanted to be outside we had to do so from beneath the shelter of the porch. Once, Edward insisted we "rough it" in his childhood pup tent. That lasted until thunder and lightning joined the rain, at which point I jumped ship and ran inside, ignoring Edward's playful taunts.

But some nights, like tonight, the weather gods were smiling upon us. We'd missed the sunset, but the yard was resplendent with Elizabeth's lanterns and fairy lights, now permanent backyard fixtures. Edward had turned them all on, placing blankets and cushions in the middle. A white sheet hung between two trees, and a little table with a projector stood off to the side.

Gasping, I took in the scene, hardly able to believe that Edward could possibly be any more perfect. Why did he have to go? Why? I felt like I'd just found him, only to have him yanked away too soon. But it was only temporary, and I resolved to make the most of our time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that, which was probably bullshit, but it sounded good and so I clung to it.

"Bella?"

I gaped at Edward, who was watching me in amusement. He knew me by now, knew my girly expressions, the things that made me laugh so hard I snorted, as well as the ones that made me tear up. He knew I often got lost in my thoughts.

I hoped he knew how much I loved him.

"I can't believe you did this," I said, walking to the pillows. "Actually, yes I can."

He made a small chuffing sound, all smug and and happy with himself and my reaction.

"You're… you might be perfect, Edward, I don't know…"

"No, you might be. I know this isn't easy for you, and it's quite possibly one of the most selfish things I'll ever do – running after my dreams this way – but you're letting me go and for that, you deserve everything. The best things."

I kicked off my shoes, not knowing what to say. We sat on the makeshift bed in the grass, where he pulled out two glasses and a bottle of his mother's sangria. "She made it just for us," he said.

Neither of us ever drank, really, but one would be hard pressed to find a person that could resist the appeal of Elizabeth's homemade sangria. Once she'd discovered, at their Fourth of July party, how much our family liked it, she'd made several bottles and sent them home with me for Charlie and Sue. And she'd never tell them, but she and Edward's father allowed us to have it at their home, as well.

We passed the time snacking and watching a Cameron Crowe marathon, who we could always agree was a genius for making movies that appealed to both sexes. Once the sangria was finished, we turned the projector off and lay back, surrounded by love and light.

And lust. Edward's hands had been wandering all night, but he'd kept it PG-13 until now. While I was fully onboard with Edward's reasons for saving ourselves, I'd worn a skirt expressly so that things could escalate easily. Maybe I'd stopped trying to convince him long ago, but I had no problem tempting him.

He crawled on top of me, kissing and nipping at my throat. I wrapped my legs lazily around him, resting my bare feet on his calves. Sweet turned to hot, and our kisses grew deeper, longer and more intense. He ground against me almost automatically, instinctively. We'd gotten to this point before, sometimes even letting it ride until we came, but this time Edward dragged himself down my body and yanked my panties to the side.

Opening my eyes in surprise, I propped myself on my elbows, half sitting up to see if he was doing what I thought he was. Then his eyes met mine, and he was _smiling_… and going down on me.

I collapsed back on to the blanket, panting with pleasure, fisting his hair. This was the first time he'd done this to me, and I started quivering under his tongue soon after he began.

It's a good thing he didn't have neighbors.

* * *

I woke up with the sun in my face.

We'd fallen asleep outside, a first for us. Last night had been full of firsts, although we'd kept the most significant one on hold until he returned from Brazil. I found I didn't mind that; it gave me even more to look forward to.

Yawning, I rolled to my side so that I could watch Edward for awhile before he woke up. There were lines creasing his face from where his skin had been pressed in to the blanket, and his hair was crazier than ever. I stared at his lips, red and a little raw from the hours of making out we'd just had. Mine felt chapped, too.

His eyes floated open, and for a minute, he simply stared back.

I reached over to touch his hair, and he pulled my wrist to kiss it. "So no wild animals attacked us during the night," he surmised, his voice scratchy from sleep (or a lack thereof).

"Nope. Safe and sound," I said, sitting up.

He sat next to me, running his hand through his hair. Neither of us said it, but this was it. Our hours were numbered now.

He followed me back to my house so we could drop off my car, and I left a note for Charlie, hoping he'd just think I'd had a late night and an early morning. Edward and I spent the day together, and around three o'clock I helped him load the car and lock up his house. He brought me home, where we kissed for way too long in my driveway. I tried not to cry and almost succeeded, but then he laughed when I did, and I laughed, and my heart was surprisingly light.

His text came as he boarded the plane.

_Keep my heart safe. I've left it with you._

* * *

_almost full circle now._

_please review, loves. i like knowing i'm not rambling aimlessly, here. many thanks for reading, and for those of you who ~are~ sharing your thoughts and theories and reactions and questions with me - *hugs* _

_also, hearing about the things everyone was thankful for just made me feel good. attitudes of gratitude are powerful, yo._

_twilighted thread on my profile._

_xoxo_


	11. Limbo

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thank you, nic, for being generally and genuinely awesome. xoxo_

* * *

Alice and Jasper step inside, closing the door quickly behind them. Edward's back on my side of the room in a flash...I wonder if it's because there are now other vampires in the room, or if he just can't stand to be away from me now.

"So…a vision?" Edward asks, running both hands through his hair in an effort to calm himself down. I remember this particular tic from his human days.

"Yeah." She smirks, her golden eyes flickering to me for a second. "It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch and we came to see if you would share."

Jasper's eyes widen. Edward cringes, glancing at me, but if anything I'm sort of relieved she just addressed the elephant in the room that openly. I laugh quietly, covering my mouth, and the tension in the room dissipates.

"Alice sees things," Edward explains, reaching down to tangle our fingers. He's a lot touchier lately; more than he was we first reunited, and almost even more so than he was last summer. It seems to be a subconscious gesture of reassurance, though I don't know if it's for him or me. I like it. My heart warms every times he touches me, even as my skin cools.

"What kind of things?" I ask, as we arrange ourselves on the couches in the suite. "Like the future?"

"Sometimes," says Alice. "It depends."

"On what?"

"On people's decisions. The future is always changing, and what I see one moment might shift the next, depending on not just that person's intentions, but those of others around them."

"Huh."

"I know," she laughs. "It's hard to wrap your mind around."

But Edward's bobbing his knee, impatient. "And today's vision was…?"

Jasper eyes him, smirking. "I forget how new you are sometimes," he drawls, his tone softened and slowed by a slight Southern accent. "Patience, man. We just got here."

"It's okay," Alice says with a sigh. "We left Thorne Bay yesterday, actually. Got in last night."

"That's where the family stays," Edward says, turning to me. "It's a small town in Southeast Alaska."

Nodding, I wait for Alice to continue.

"We got a room here," she says. "Mostly to keep an eye on you… I saw that you'd be staying together on and off and…" she trails off, looking between Edward and me.

"You wanted to make sure he didn't hurt me," I guess, squeezing Edward's hand.

Her gaze is steady, but I can read the apology in it. "Yeah."

"It's okay," Edward says, shrugging. He keeps his eyes low, though. For the first time I see his situation for what it really is, and how similar it is to mine. We've both suffered in the past few months, and we've both had to lean on others for support and healing. We both have families and friends that have our best interests at heart, but are also waiting for us to make the wrong move, to prove that we're as far from healing as we've ever been.

"It takes time," Jasper says, leaning forward. "Before you, I was the newest member of this family. I know hard it can be to be around…" He gestures vaguely in my direction. "Humans."

"Especially when there are other emotions at play," Alice adds. "The fact that he loves you is both a benefit and a liability… it means he'll do anything to keep you safe, but it also means no one tempts him as much as you do."

In a way, I'd figured as much. The conversations I've had with Edward since his return, the dynamic between us when we touch and kiss, all lends credibility to what she's saying. At the same time, though, hearing it from someone else's mouth, especially in such an objective matter, gives it such weight. It makes it more real.

Alice's words echo over and over through my mind, making the silence seem loud.

"What do you see now?" Edward asks eventually, quietly.

She pauses, her eyes going out of focus momentarily. And then this radiant, beatific smile blossoms on her face. "There will be obstacles, but it works out. It _so_ works out."

Edward's eyes slide over to me, the tiniest grin tickling at his mouth. I scoot closer, tucking in to his side. It's weird; I've only just met these people, but already I feel comfortable enough to be myself around them. I don't have to pretend. _Edward and I_ don't have to pretend.

* * *

Alice is beautiful. It's my first time seeing another one of Edward's kind, and a female at that. If she wasn't so obviously enamored with Jasper, and he with her, I think I might be jealous and insecure. She's really sweet though, approachable, as if she knows that her appearance and the truth of what they are is intrinsically intimidating. I appreciate that she takes the time to explain things to me, and that it doesn't seem to be a chore for her.

But even if she didn't put my mind at ease, Edward would. I knew he loved me before he left for Brazil, but it's so much more intense now. I get the impression that, although being apart is hard for me, it's physically uncomfortable for him. It's in the continual touching, how intently he watches me. Maybe more than anything it's knowing he came back for me when he so easily could have let me go.

Well, maybe it wouldn't have been _easy_, but it sure would have made his life simpler.

I could have so easily lost him for good, never knowing that he existed somewhere else, without me. I'm so, so glad he didn't give up on us.

Before leaving our room, Jasper mentions that Carlisle will be heading back to Thorne Bay soon. Originally he was going just long enough to get Esme, his wife, but now it's looking like he'll stay there, entrusting Edward with Alice and Jasper. I'm a little disappointed, because I wanted to meet him, this man who saved Edward's life by taking it. They all speak so highly of him, with such affection and admiration.

Alice assures us that she and Jasper are just one floor away if we need them, and then they're gone.

Edward turns to me. "So what did you think?"

"About Alice and Jasper?"

He nods, joining me on the couch. I stand up, though, pulling him to the bed so we can go back to lounging.

"They're very cool. I can totally see why you get along with them so well."

"Yeah… they're like older siblings, I guess. It helps having someone to…walk me through all of this. I don't know how other vampires do it alone."

"You mean the ones who get bitten and abandoned?" I ask.

"Yeah."

"But why would someone do that?" I wonder. "Don't vampires bite to kill, usually?"

"Usually," he agrees. "But you never know. Maybe they get interrupted while they're drinking, or maybe they're just sickos who get their kicks out of populating the world with the undead."

"Sounds like you're talking about zombies," I snort, whacking him with a pillow.

"This again?" he teases, grabbing the pillow before I can hit him again. "What's with all the violence tonight?"

It's probably sexual frustration. Good thing he can't read my mind.

But maybe he can, because in the blink of an eye he's straddling me, pinning my wrists beside my head. "You're provoking me on purpose."

I stare up at him, not confirming or denying. He's so good to look at.

My heart skips a beat.

His eyes go to my chest, and then he slides down, laying his head there.

* * *

It's a drizzly spring morning in Seattle, grey and cool. Outside, bright umbrellas bloom like flowers, brightening what would be a rather drab day.

Angela sits across from me, hands clasped loosely around a cup of tea. We've met for breakfast. I was afraid she might be annoyed that I didn't stay the night at her place, but she was quick to assure me that she got home so late it didn't matter anyhow. She didn't ask what friend I'd stayed with, either, thank God. Relieved, I plan to spend the rest of my time with her, no matter how much every cell in my body pulls toward Edward.

Still, I've sorely missed Angela's friendship. We've always kept in touch, but the past year has been difficult with her starting college and my dealing with Edward's disappearance. Brief chats over email and Facebook are shoddy substitutes for the real thing. Seeing her face to face now though… I have to smile. Her hair's different, but some things, like her affinity for hot beverages, apparently, never change.

"Do you like it?" she asks when I mention it, self consciously brushing her new bangs from her eyes.

"I really do," I assure her. "It's…I don't know. So trendy and cute. I should do something with mine – it just kinda hangs there."

"You've got beautiful hair, Bella," she says kindly.

Now I'm the self conscious one. "Thanks."

We're sitting beside a window. I pause, glancing outside, wondering where Edward is at this very moment. Now that I'm going to try and be in the city as much as I can, especially by summer, Edward is relocating here as well.

We make small talk for a while longer: the intricacies of her daily class schedule, the latest gossip in Forks.

_Jess and Mike still aren't married? _

_The diner has vegan options now, can you believe?_

_How'd you guys make out with that storm last week?_

_Heard the Masen house was sold to an out-of-towner…is that true?_

Angela's last question hangs in the air between us. She licks nervously at her lips, her eyes wide and cautious. As for me, I'm shocked. I know Forks is a small town where secrets have a hard time being kept, but _damn._ Blinking, I shrug. "I really don't know. I'll have to ask my dad; he might know."

"Oh Bella, I'm sorry," she says, reaching across the little table to hold my hand.

"No, it's okay. I'm…getting better."

She mashes her lips together, obviously not believing me but choosing to let it go for now. It's the first time we've spent time together in awhile; she hasn't seen the changes in my demeanor that way Charlie and Leah have.

"So…how long do you plan to stay here?" she asks, releasing my hand to add more honey to her tea.

"Just a few days this time, but I'm pretty sure I'll be able to get in to summer courses."

"Aw, this is the first summer we won't get to hang out," she says. "I'm so glad for you, though. It'll be good for you to get out, start…" she trails off, not looking at me.

"Start living my life again. I know. And you're right – my family says the same thing." Guilt squeezes my gut. I hate this charade, pretending to be moving on in spite of Edward when really it's moving on _with_ him. How long will I have to do this? Is there no end in sight?

I've been going one day at a time, trying not to obsess over the future, but it's becoming more and more difficult the deeper we go.

* * *

"How was your weekend with Angela?" Sue asks.

"Good. We had a lot of catching up to do," I say, sliding the carrots I just sliced over to her.

She sighs. "I'll bet. You girls always were close."

We're cooking side by side tonight. It's a nostalgic scene for me. I'm not much of a chef, but Sue is, and we've spent many an evening in the kitchen together as she shows and shares her skill. Now that Edward is working on getting me in to UW for the summer quarter, I find that the crowded heaviness I felt before has dissipated. Everything feels lighter, somehow. I have a plan, a light at the end of the tunnel.

Leah let me know, when I got home earlier, that the trio of vampires stalking the area had left early Sunday morning. Nothing happened, much to the relief of the tribe. Leah surmised that it was because a lot of the time Cold Ones hunted in highly populated areas so as not to arouse suspicion and that they'd probably just been passing by. Seeing how out of the way we were I didn't see how anyone could just "pass by" Forks on their way to something else, but maybe the vampires simply wandered wherever the wind blew them.

Edward had referred to them as nomads. He said that while a lot of his kind chose to coexist in covens, or families, many more spent their life on the road. Nearly all of them survived the traditional way – by drinking from humans. I'd asked if that appealed to him, and he'd answered that on a purely physical level human blood did, but living a nomadic lifestyle didn't.

Sue's done with supper, so I seek out Emily, who's just finishing up her homework. We curl up on the couch together, talking and looking through her _American Girl_ magazine. It's been a while since we've hung out, and I realize I've missed her, too. She's full of stories about school and her friends, and for a long time I just sit and listen. She's growing up so quickly. This must be how Charlie and Renee feel about me. The sentiment puts a lump in my throat.

And then my heart squeezes as I listen to her rambling, because I might not always be able to do this with her. Sure, when I go away to college I can come back for visits. But then what happens next? How long will Edward and I stay in this state of limbo? The fact that he will never physically change means everything else has to. Either I allow him to watch me grow old without him, or I become like him. And if the latter happens, there will be a trade off: the life I know for a life with Edward.

About a week after I return from Seattle, I receive a letter from UW Admissions, welcoming me to the summer session, which runs from the first of June until mid-August. It's official enough, even though I know Edward had a lot to do with it.

* * *

Considering how ready I am to get out of Forks, the next month and a half actually go by quickly. I work fulltime at the bookstore as well as part-time at the Inn to make extra money. When I'm not working, I'm hanging out with Sue and Emily, or going fishing with my father. The reasons behind my excess busyness are twofold: for one thing, I feel as if I'm making up for all of the months I was a shell of a person. I've missed my family. But another, more selfish, reason is that it's easier to handle Edward's absence when I keep myself this occupied.

With the visiting vampires long gone, things have calmed down significantly. Leah's been tied up helping Rachel with wedding preparations. She's the maid of honor, so she spends a lot of time down on the reservation. Despite everything, I realize I miss having her around. She'll be back at U-Dub in the fall, which is awesome, but then I'll really have to be careful with Edward. Gradually distancing myself from her will be a natural outcome of my relationship with him, and I try not to think about it.

As far as I know, the wolves aren't even patrolling anymore, but I wouldn't put it past Jake to do it anyway, on his own time. I see him sometimes, in town or on the beach at La Push. We always chat, but there's something forced about our interaction. I get the impression he doesn't trust me, and I can't tell if it's just my guilt or if he really thinks there's something going on. Technically, he _did_ see Edward the night he broke my window, even if Edward was gone by the time he got there and no one believes him anyway. That's got to be lingering on the edges of his thoughts. I just wish he'd forget about it.

I also hope that someday we can mend our friendship. It's naïve to think that things could ever go back to how they used to be, but maybe with time we can once again be close. Eighteen years of friendship should mean something.

Edward comes over some nights, but nowhere near as frequently as before. Even though he insists he can travel quickly between Seattle and Forks, I insist that with things having calmed with the wolves, it would be foolish to tempt fate by having him over constantly. I'll be spending the summer with him in Seattle, anyway. So instead we spend hours texting or G-chatting back and forth, sometimes talking on the phone late in to the night. It reminds me a little of our written correspondence when he was overseas, except then he was sending notes and postcards from remote villages, not emails from the nearest big city.

The only problem with not seeing Edward as much is that when he finally does crawl through my window it's all I can do not to pounce on him. If he's hunted recently, and he usually has when he comes to see me, he's noticeably calm and mellowed out. But if he's hungry, he tends to be agitated, rougher with me. On a primal level it thrills me when he gets this way, but I know it's dangerous. Nights like that we maintain a little personal space in the interest of keeping me safe.

On the nights I know for sure he isn't coming over, I let myself fall in to fantasy, imagining his cold fingertips running over my heated skin, down my breasts and between my legs. Letting my yearning manifest, I think of him when I touch myself. It's been nearly a month since we went that far; the majority of our time is spent talking, reminiscing and planning, and when we are kissing, we're fully clothed.

He says he's still desensitizing himself to my blood. I keep Alice's words about how I tempt him in mind when I feel frustrated with our progress, knowing that slow is better than not at all.

* * *

Sue waves from the porch as Charlie and I head out. He's in his car behind me, reminding me of the night Edward followed me to Seattle.

I have a single dorm. It was one of my only housing stipulations; one that Edward enthusiastically ensured was met. Charlie helps me haul my things in to the room before turning to me, rubbing his mustache.

"You hungry?" he asks, nodding toward the door.

He insists on using his new smart phone to locate local eateries, and before long we're tucked in to a cozy booth at a crowded pizza place. I look around, excited that this is the sort of thing I'll get to do from now on, living on my own.

Our order is taken, and then Charlie turns to me. Never one for small talk, he dives right in. "Well, Bells, you had kind of a rocky start, but you're finally here. I'm proud of you, honey."

"Thanks, Dad," I mumble. Sweet as his words are, I'm not used to such effulgent praise. Charlie's not exactly the gushing type.

"It's been a rough year," he sighs. "I know you went through a lot with Edward, but …this is good for you. Moving on doesn't mean you're forgetting about him, okay?"

Since the day he told me the Masens had died in Brazil, this is the first time he's broached the topic of Edward. Back then everyone in Forks had been hopeful that Edward had escaped his parent's fate and would eventually be found. As time went on, though, I suspect people started to let go of that – even Charlie. He never said anything to me, but I could tell by the pity in his eyes that he was probably thinking it. It's taking guts for him to mention this now.

Guilt flutters through me, as it does whenever I have to pretend. Swallowing, I look my father in the eye. "I know. I want to do this. Forks will always be my home, but it's time for me branch out."

"Right," he says, visibly relieved. "I want to hear from you, though, all right? If you need anything, don't hesitate to call, Bella."

"Okay." I chuckle quietly at his seriousness, and he grins back.

Dusk has just fallen by the time Charlie finally leaves. Way more emotional than I let on, I stand on the curb, waving as he drives away. The guilt lets up a little, replaced by an unexpected, vague sense of loss. This is the first time I've been out from under my parent's roof. I've always been an independent person, but I guess I'm just like every other kid on their first day of college, suddenly homesick for a home I'd been dying to leave forever.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath of warm, humid air. A cool breeze tickles past my ear, and my eyes pop open.

"No sneaking up," I whisper, smiling.

His hands are on my hips next, turning me to face him. "Couldn't resist."

"Were you here all along?"

"Long enough to see Charlie go."

"What else did you do today?"

He grins sheepishly, and I know he's caught.

"You followed me around, didn't you," I sigh, not really asking and not really minding.

"Where else would I go?"

"I don't know, but, let's go inside now. I want to show you my new room."

"Do you realize," I begin, sitting cross legged across from Edward on my narrow, dorm-issued bed. "That we've been together almost as long as we were before you left for Brazil?"

He nods. "I know."

"Just about three months."

"And three months last summer. So, a total of six."

"But we never broke up in between, so…it's more like a year," I say.

Taking my hand, he turns my ring so that it faces front. Now that I'm going to be living in Seattle, I can wear it as much as I want without having to hide it from curious eyes.

"I miss her," he says, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles.

"Your mom?"

"Yeah."

I move closer, wrapping my arms around him. Moments like this transform him from the sensual, deadly being he's become to the boy I once knew. He's still so vulnerable, and though he can't cry, I know his broken heart hurts inside.

There is nothing I can say, no platitude broad or specific enough, no sentiment sincere enough. I worry that I'm not enough for him sometimes, that even our love is no match for the grief he feels in the wake of his parent's very recent demise.

"I don't know how you do it," I admit.

"One day at a time," he says shakily, returning the embrace. He gentles me on to my back and then cuddles close, his cheek against my breasts. He does this a lot lately, and I think it's because it comforts him.

We lay very still, and eventually, I fall asleep.

When I wake up, it's to the soft glow of lamplight. I'm alone beneath the covers and Edward is across the room, sitting at my desk with my phone.

"You'd have to give up so much," he says, sighing heavily.

Yawning, I sit up and rub my eyes. I don't know what time it is, but it has to be late. "What do you mean?"

He doesn't answer, so I creep out of bed and join him, sliding on to his lap. There, on my phone, are my pictures. Most of them are of him or us together, and almost all are from before he left. It's weird; I haven't been in the mood to take pictures of us since he got back. Perhaps I'm savoring each moment in the present too much to worry about capturing it for the future.

There are more recent pictures of my family and friends, though: a shot of Sue in the living room with Emily on her lap, another of Charlie on his boat. There are several of Leah and me at La Push, and even a really old one of Jake and me, before everything went to shit between us. Edward bristles at that one, scrolling right past it.

"Do you think you'll see your grandmother again?" I ask.

"I saw her once. Visited her…she didn't know I was there. I could see in to her mind and… she was in mourning." His face crumples. "She thinks I'm dead, too."

Tears spring to my eyes, and I hug him close, kissing his forehead.

"Are you sure you want this?" he asks, desperation tingeing his tone.

I nod slowly.

"But how do you know?"

"I don't know how, I just do. Same way I know I'll always choose chocolate over vanilla."

"Ugh, I miss chocolate," he moans, and I laugh, squeezing him as hard as I can possibly squeeze something as solid as his body. It's an odd sensation, like his skin is smooth and soft, but he's got the hardest muscles _ever_. I'm even used to his temperature now; it no longer makes me shiver the way it once did.

When I mention this, Edward licks my neck, making me shiver, but for different reasons. "Probably because it's summer…I'm not as cold as I am during the lower temperatures and you're hot all the time."

"Mm, who needs a body pillow when you have a body popsicle?" I coo, being corny on purpose, twisting so I can wrap my arms and legs around him.

He makes a face, sliding his hands under my butt as he stands up. "I'm glad my role in your life is so easily defined. Edward Masen, human popsicle."

I waggle my eyebrows suggestively. "This could come in handy."

"All you think about is sex."

Scoffing, I tighten my legs. "Like you don't."

"Oh, I do," he says, peeling my legs from his body and tossing me on the bed. "Especially when you wear stuff like that."

I tug on my shorts, smirking when his eyes follow the action. He covers me with his body, tucking his face in to my neck

"So when's it gonna be?" I ask.

"When we're somewhere warm," he says, nipping at my throat. "And private."

* * *

_Mid-August of last year_

It became a thing, my daily walks to the mailbox.

Before, Sue or Charlie had been the ones to check it, usually on their way to town, or sometimes when they were coming back. But I was too impatient for that. Each day brought the hope that Edward had sent me something.

The first time there actually was a letter, I shrieked and ran back up the path to the house, my heart racing in excitement. Due to the types of areas the Masens were traveling, phones and post offices were not as easily found as they were in the States. The fact that Edward had taken the time to write me, and then made the effort to send it, meant so much.

I sat on the porch swing and ripped open the envelope, which was smudged and crumpled from its travels. At just under five pages, the letter itself had been written over the course of days. Edward had started and stopped several times, jotting down thoughts, observations and events as they happened. The effect was similar to a journal of sorts, complete with notations in the margins and silly little doodles. I grinned the entire time I read, feeling as if I was privy to his secrets, and then I read it again, scouring it for details I may have missed the first time.

For a long time I sat on the porch swing, pushing myself back and forth with one leg. It was so easy to remember him, to _feel_ him, when I could read his words like this. I had a feeling that this trip might have the unexpected benefit of helping us get to know each other on an even deeper level without the distraction of lust. I mean, I was lusting for him – every damn night and sometimes in the shower – but having him so far away made me miss a lot more than just his body and what it did to mine.

He promised he'd try to send pictures, but couldn't make guarantees because his cell service was on hold until they got back to the county and finding a place that would develop film or print pictures was unlikely. I could understand that. And anyway, he had important things to do. I found that while I missed him terribly, I was crazy-proud of him.

* * *

I'd never spent time in Forks outside of the summer months. It was a completely different place.

For one thing, the population shrank. That didn't say much, seeing as how tiny it already was. The kids who were in college returned to school, and the couple of snowbirds who had cabins nestled in the woods near the lake left too.

I spent my days officially working for Charlie n' Sue's Bed and Breakfast, much as I had done for the past eleven summers. Our visitors dwindled to a sporadic couple here and there, but it was all right. Sue simply spent more time selling her homemade baked goods to the diner in town or the farmer's market, and Charlie volunteered down at the police station.

Leah was with Sam all the time, and Emily went back to school. The days were quiet, which was a welcome change from my frenetic senior year of high school and the whirlwind romance I'd had with Edward. I regretted neither, and missed both, but there was something to be said for long walks through the woods, and afternoons on La Push beach, reading or cloud watching.

After a couple of months, though, I started to get occasional bouts of cabin fever. On days like that, when I'd cleaned and walked and read and still found myself with nothing to do, I vacillated between wanting to head out to UW for spring semester or following my original plan and waiting it out until the following fall. Maybe I was like my mother after all, and not cut out for long periods of time in a place like Forks. Had Edward stayed, I probably would have been content to whittle away the days with him, but he hadn't…none of my friends had…and I was bored.

It was a day like that when Jacob Black found me on my porch, thumbing through an old _People_ magazine.

He rolled down his window. "Hey, Bella."

"Hi Jake," I said, standing and leaning over the wooden rail. "What're you doing around here?"

"Saw Leah a little while ago…she said you might wanna come down to the res for a bonfire."

"I could've driven." Laughing, I shook my head. "Better yet, she could've just come for me herself."

"Sam's fixing her car again."

"Ah." I nodded in understanding. Leah's car was decades newer than mine, and yet it was always giving her trouble.

"So, you coming or what? I got sent on a beer run…"

"Aren't you a little young to be buying beer?" I asked, frowning.

He shrugged. "I have my ways."

I bet he did. Jacob had always looked older than he was, and in the past year he'd really shot up. He towered over me, and almost everyone else.

"All right. Lemme get my bag and tell Charlie I'm going."

It was the first of many nights I hung out with Jake, Leah and everyone else down by the beach, or one of the houses on the res. I loved the easy going vibe, the constant joking around and familiarity. I'd grown up coming to barbeques and get-togethers there with my father, but this was different. The summer crowd was gone, and the group that remained was tight knit, like family. I didn't know what I would've done had it not been for them. Probably go crazy from loneliness.

Because every night when I came home, no matter how much fun I'd had, I walked over to the calendar hanging above my desk and crossed another day off. Every time I did, it brought me closer to the day that Edward came home.

* * *

I had a little collection going. Three letters, one postcard, one magnet – which was kind of ugly – and a tiny charcoal sketch of women washing clothing in a river. Using thumbtacks, I pinned it all to the wall around the calendar.

Charlie teased me, calling it my shrine to Edward.

…_but every night when everyone else goes to sleep I sneak back out and hang out next to our tent. I won't go any further. There are animals and insects here that would give George Lucas inspiration for years. The snakes. Holy shit, Bella. Remind me to show you the pictures I took today. Anyway. I go outside and stargaze, the way we used to do in my backyard. I think about you all the time, especially the last night I was home. I think about that night. Do you think about it? I bet you do. You have the innocent thing going but we both know it's bull…_

The latest ramble had me in tears, sometimes because I was laughing so hard at his silliness, but also because I missed him so much it hurt. He sounded so happy, though, and that made it worth it. He said that even though he and his parents had always been close, they hadn't spent so much time together in years, simply because of the hectic pace stateside. Now they were all working together, giving them days and days of each other's company. He said sometimes he even got a little tired of them.

I wished I could see enough of him to get tired of him.

* * *

"Bella!"

Yawning, I swung my legs out of bed. We'd been out late the night before, and I'd slept in. Now Emily was pounding at my door, letting herself in, and thrusting the cordless house phone at me.

"Hello?" I said, groggy from a lack of sleep. "Hello?"

There was nothing but static. I held the phone away from my ear before trying again. "Hello? Anyone there?"

"Bella?"

My stomach clenched. "Edward?"

"Hey! Bella!" he cried, sounding as joyous as I felt.

"Oh my God, I can't believe it's you!" I jumped up, all tiredness forgotten. "I – how are you? _Where_ are you?"

"We're in this city…Belem…it's right at the mouth of the Amazon river. We're stocking up on supplies before heading in."

"In…to the Amazon?"

"Yeah."

"Wow." Our worlds were so different right then I found I didn't know what to say.

"We've actually been in the Amazon for most of the time I've been here, but sometimes we come back out…" He told me a little about how they lived day to day, and what they could expect to find next. His excitement at having helped so many people was palpable; it came across the phone in energetic waves.

"Sounds incredible," I said softly, both envying his adventure and wishing him home. It had already been two months; he'd said he'd be gone for two or three. I knew then, without having to ask, he'd be staying for three.

He confirmed this minutes later as we said our goodbyes. "I don't know when I'll be able to call again. It's hard finding a phone, you know?"

"It's okay. The fact that you called at all means a lot to me."

"Bella…"

"I know. You're staying."

"Just for a couple more weeks, I think. I don't know yet." He paused, and I could hear the sounds of a busy street behind him, motors and shouts and laughter. "I miss you, though. So much. I wish you could write back to me."

My throat constricted with tears. "I wish I could, too." And I did wish it, but they moved around way too much for it to be practical.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you," I echoed, closing my eyes.

He stayed quiet for a second. "I really do love you, more than you know."

Swallowing hard, I kept my eyes closed, feeling him through the phone… across land and sea, miles and time zones. "Me too. So much."

"I have to go."

"Okay…"

"Bye, Bella. Think of me. Pray for me."

I wondered fleetingly if he'd found religion out there in the jungle. Sometimes I wondered, late at night beneath my own stars, if I had found it too. "I will."

The line disconnected abruptly.

It was the last time I heard from him.

* * *

_sigh._

_thanks for corresponding with me, guys. i love hearing from you. and sorry this is coming so late at night again; tiny tyrant is on the move. crawling and getting in to everyyyyyything. argh._

_i have kind of a playlist for this story. i will probably post it somewhere. music matters, you know?_

_xoxoxoxoxoxoxo_


	12. Come Together, Come Apart

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic, for being such a peach._

* * *

Despite its lengthy days, summer always seems like such a short season. This year is no exception. Between class, Edward, and the occasional drive back to Forks, time drains quickly away, like sand though an hourglass.

All oddities about our situation aside, I don't know that I've ever had such a perfect time of things. Even last summer, when Edward and I were giddy and wrapped up in love and each other, there was always the specter of our eventual separation biding its time in the shadows. Knowing Edward would be leaving tempered things. But this time around no such thing exists. Each morning begins in Edward's embrace, and every night ends there. He is forever, and therefore so are we. We are careful to avoid too much speculation about our future, gorging ourselves instead on the sharp sweetness of _right now_.

Because of the intensity of my class schedule, and the work study program I opted to participate in so Charlie wouldn't question the ease with which I'm getting by, Edward and I are usually apart during the day. That's okay; there's a ton for him to do here. He knows the city even better now than he did when he was a student because while I'm in class, weather permitting, he wanders around and explores. Then, late at night or on the weekends, he shares his precious discoveries with me: little creperies with cozy corners where we talk while he watches me eat, niche theatres showing films neither of us have seen.

This actually works out perfectly; it's so much easier for us to spend time outside the apartment when the sun goes down. Edward's skin, which I didn't really notice back home due to constant cloud cover and rain, takes on this noticeable luminescence when it he's in the sun. The first time I saw it, I thought I was seeing things.

Having fallen asleep while studying in bed, I'd forgotten to close the curtains the night before. I woke up with a crick in my neck and the morning sun in my face. Edward, who'd been out hunting, was sitting at the foot of the bed, absorbed in something on his laptop. As I sat up, he shifted right in to the light, setting himself aglow. I gaped stupidly for a minute before he finally noticed.

"Oh." He glanced down at his arm, grimacing. "Yeah. This happens now."

"What…is it?"

"It's my skin."

"I know _that_," I huffed, rising to my knees so I could go to him. "But, how?"

"I don't know, really…my body's changed in so many ways; I can't even keep up. I'll probably be a hundred and eight before I'm finally used to this," he grumbled, closing his computer with a quiet snick.

"You should've shown me before." I touched him tentatively, admiring him. "I think it's beautiful."

He'd just shrugged, pulling me closer.

It's just another new thing about him that I've had to get used to, something really bizarre and cool, even though he acts like it's a pain in the ass. Which, in some ways, I guess it is, seeing as how it limits our time outdoors to night and really overcast days. Still, we have a pretty great social life. Sometimes we include Alice and Jasper in our plans, which rocks because it's essential being with other people who understand. We can be our true selves around them. Plus, I'm gaining a girlfriend in Alice. She says she always knew we'd be friends, and watching how seamlessly we get along, I'm inclined to agree.

Mostly, though, Edward and I opt for one on one time. I always feel like we're still catching up on lost time, or maybe I just can't get enough of Edward, and I think he feels the same about me.

The one downside of city life, I suppose, is that even if we're the only people in the room we're never_ truly_ alone. Because of both the dense population and constant proximity to me, Edward's taken to hunting several times a week, leaving our bed while I'm sleeping and returning before I wake up. Alice and Jasper take turns; one going with Edward while the other stays close to me. The apartment they're leasing is not too far away, so they're always available if we need them.

This affects our physical progress, too. No matter how badly Edward and I want one another at this point, he's just not comfortable testing himself in a place where there are a thousand distractions: noises from outside, other people's thoughts vying for his attention.

And while he's nervous about us actually having sex – partly because he's afraid I'll bleed and change his lust to bloodlust – he has no problem pleasing me… repeatedly. Unlike human males, who actually get tired and have "off" days, he's always on, all the time. I've never been in a serious relationship outside of the one I have with him, not emotionally and definitely not physically, so I don't have anyone to compare him against…but I think it's pretty obvious that his…_stamina_ and enthusiasm are not exactly typical. Alice assures me that it's normal for vampires, though.

Lucky, lucky me.

Meanwhile…I don't say this to Edward, or even Alice, but I'm starting to have my doubts as to how much longer he's going to be able to hold up. I understand Edward's caution, but really. We're doing almost everything _but_ have sex. How much longer are we going to wait?

* * *

"Carlisle called."

I look up from my backpack, which I'm stuffing with snacks and last night's assignments. "What did he say?"

Edward looks down, raking his hands through his hair. "He wants me to come to Thorne Bay. To visit."

My heart drops, but I maintain a neutral expression. "Oh, okay." This is natural, normal. The same as when I visit Charlie in Forks. So why does the thought of Edward being so far away make me ache so badly? Why does it make me nervous? Nothing can hurt him now.

"I kind of want to go, too. I miss him."

Now I just feel selfish; Carlisle and the others are the only family Edward's got now. This would actually be really good for him, to be around others like him, spending time in the outdoors. "You should go. For sure."

"Yeah?"

"Of course. When were you planning on heading out?"

"I wasn't...I hadn't thought that far ahead yet. Maybe this weekend."

"Cool." I nod, slowly warming to the idea. A couple of days on my own will be fine. "Will you fly?"

"I think so," he says, nodding. "I could run...but flying would be quicker. Especially since I'll have to catch a seaplane at some point."

"Makes sense." Sometimes I still marvel at the things we talk about, at what is now normal in my world.

Edward comes to me, running his hand through my hair. The morning chill, even of summer, hasn't yet burnt off, and I shiver a little at his touch. "I'll miss you."

"Not as much as I'll miss you."

Edward's a perceptive guy, and I wouldn't put it past him to notice when I try to downplay my worry about his trip. Cupping my cheeks, he kisses me chastely. I crave kisses of the more intense kind, but with us there's always a time and place for that. Like at night, when we've got hours alone and we've had a chance to wind down from the day.

"You should go," he says, touching my lips. "Before you're late."

"Will you stay home today?"

"Probably," he says, glancing outside at what is turning in to a brilliantly bright day.

"I'll try to come home early."

Normally he encourages me to do what I need to do, reassuring me that he'll be here when I get home, but today he just nods. "Do that."

* * *

On one hand, I'm tempted to just go home and spend the weekend in Forks while Edward's in Alaska. But I decide against it. I'm just not up for the drive, and besides, this is the perfect opportunity for Angela to come see _me_. She's been saying she'd try to make it out at some point to see my room and hang out before fall semester starts.

But when I call to ask her, she answers the phone sounding all congested.

"Can I come up next weekend, maybe?" she asks.

"Sure." I guess I'll just have to ask Edward to stay with Alice and Jasper at that point. Ugh, this sneaking around sucks. I forget about it for weeks at a time, because we've fallen in to such a sweet routine, but every now and then I speak to my father, or Renee back in Phoenix, or Leah or Ange, and the Big Secret looms between us. They know nothing about it, obviously, but I do. It makes me antsy.

No sooner do I end my call with Angela, Alice calls.

"Hey," she says. "What're you doing this weekend?"

"Were you watching just now?" I laugh, tracing my finger along a run in my comforter. I've learned that Alice keeps "an eye" on both Edward and me, to keep us safe. Sometimes though, like now, she's just being helpful. She obviously _saw_ me talking to Angela.

"Kind of," she says, also laughing a little. "I know you're going to be by yourself this weekend... I wondered if you wanted company."

"Sure. What did you have in mind?"

"Girl's night," she says, very matter of fact.

"Too bad you can't have ice cream."

"Don't rub it in, Bella," she admonishes. "Anyway, just call me when you're done with class tomorrow."

"Okay," I agree. "Thanks, Alice."

"Any time," she says sweetly.

* * *

Edward's flight leaves really early Friday morning. He wants to make the most of the weekend, saying he'll be back Sunday afternoon. I hold on to that, trying not to think about the last time he went to Sea-Tac without me.

He wakes me up before he goes, sitting on the edge of the bed. The sun has not yet risen, and the room is still hushed and blue. I notice he's got his hoodie on, the black one, and I know it's so that he can stay covered if the day brightens too much.

"You sure you don't want me to take you to the airport?" I murmur, my voice husky with sleep. We were up late last night, talking and fooling around.

He smiles, shaking his head. "No. Sleep. I'll call you when I get there."

I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down to the bed, hugging him fiercely. "Love you."

"Love you too."

And then, because he knows I'm a little bummed he'll be gone, he kisses me so long and so deeply I pass out.

* * *

Alice shows up the second I pick up my phone to call her.

Chuckling, I go to answer the door. "I don't know if I'll ever get used to this."

She shrugs, slipping past me. "It comes in handy. Like, you wanted ice cream, right? You almost got mint chocolate chip but decided at the last minute you were more in the mood for rocky road."

As usual, she's right. "I…yeah. That sounds great."

We settle on my bed, chatting about the week that's just passed and how things will change when fall semester starts.

"So…how long are you guys going to do the school thing?" Alice asks. "Is Edward still considering going back, or…?"

"Don't you know?" I ask.

"I'm not a fortune teller," she says, smirking. "My visions change all the time because they depend on the decisions people make. Right now neither Edward nor you have made any decisions about your future."

I set my ice cream aside, my appetite satiated for the time being. "That's probably because we haven't given it much thought lately."

"But why?"

"I don't know. Probably because it's complicated, and regardless of what we choose someone is going to end up having to sacrifice something."

Alice sits up, wrapping her arms around her knees. "Are you talking about your life together, or you becoming like us?"

"Both. I mean…one is kind of contingent upon the other, isn't it?"

"Not necessarily. You guys could easily have a happy life together, even if you stay human."

If I'm completely honest with myself, I hate the thought of growing old while Edward stays young and gorgeous. I know beauty is only skin deep, but this takes the concept to a new level. "But that's not what he wants, is it?"

She cocks her head. "Shouldn't you ask him that question?"

I bite my lip, thinking about how I can broach the topic with Edward. Is it his reaction or my own nervousness making this so scary?

"And, more importantly, is it what you want?" she continues.

"I think so," I say. It's the first time I've actually admitted it out loud. "I'm… scared, though. What if it doesn't work? What if something goes wrong and I die? What if it goes right and it hurts? How will I see my family afterwards?" My heart starts racing; the possibilities are too much, too overwhelming. Any way I look at it, everywhere I turn, the repercussions ripple endlessly.

"Bella," Alice says, at my side in a second. "Relax. Yes, it hurts. More than anything. But if it's what you want, if _Edward_ is what you want, then it's a small price to pay." She gives me a small smile. "And it won't go wrong, because one of us will be there to make sure he's…in control."

I nod, unable to believe we're actually having this conversation. Like it's totally normal to be discussing one's own immortality at the hands of a vampire boyfriend.

But then her smile fades, and she really looks at me, pinning me with those cat-like golden eyes. "But you need to consider it. Really go over it. Talk about it with yourself before you talk about it with him. It's not something to be taken lightly, because you're right about one thing: how would you see your family afterward? You might not develop self control as quickly as Edward did…or you might be like me, and have no issue abstaining from human blood at all. But right now? That's all up in the air. Anything is possible, and you need to be ready to choose. This nice little set up the two of you have can't last forever."

"I get older every day," I breathe, ripping my gaze away from hers, unable to deal with how much her eyes remind me of Edward's. In time that he's been back, the hazel they once were has warmed in to a deep honey.

"He's still older than you, human-wise," she says, waving her hand. "I'm talking about other stuff. Like Edward's education – if he'll ever return to school. If it's fair to make him stay in Washington, when he's got a better support system in Alaska."

I've never heard Alice speak so seriously. Everything she's saying rings true and my heart breaks with the truth of it. Tears slide down my cheeks as I finally bring to the surface what I've been doing my best to push down and ignore. Edward and I have been sticking our heads in the sand, enjoying this time together as if our time was limitless. Ironically, the one thing that _could_ give us an unending supply of time scares me. I'd have to die to live.

"It'll be okay," Alice says with a sigh, bringing my head on to her lap. She strokes my hair, and if it weren't for the coolness of her fingers or the firmness of her thighs, I'd never know she wasn't human. "Change is never easy, but it's necessary. You know that."

"I do," I say, sniffling.

After a brief silence, I sit up. "What was it like for you?"

"The change?"

"Yeah."

"I…don't remember much. I remember being in…a dark place. Feeling like my heart was going so fast it was going to explode. And then, I woke up and I couldn't remember anything about my human life."

"Did it ever come back to you?"

"No." She shakes her head. "It's, in some ways, kind of a blessing. This is all I've ever known, so it's always been easy for me to accept and embrace this existence. I found Jasper soon after, and the second I laid eyes on him I knew he was my mate."

_Mate._ This reminds me of the conversation I had months back with Jake, about imprinting.

"Can…someone have more than one mate?" I ask.

Alice scrunches her nose. "Like, at a time?"

"No!" I giggle uncomfortably. "I just mean…you know how humans fall in love and then out of love...and then they find someone else later on down the road?"

"Oh. No. Humans are a lot more fickle. The same way our bodies stay the same after we become vampires, so do our emotions. Not to say there's no personal growth or learning of new concepts and ideas, because there obviously is, but…once we find our One, that's it."

"And I'm Edward's One?"

"Only he can tell you that," she says, obviously withholding a grin. "But from what I see, and what Jasper feels, yes."

Edward has told me a little about Jasper's gift of being an empath. Not only can he sense other people's emotions, he can also influence them. Apparently this has come in handy when newborn vampires have issues with bloodlust. Ironically, no vampire in Carlisle's family has battled with bloodlust as much as Jasper. I asked Edward why, but he didn't know. He supposed that like humans, each vampire has their own strengths and weaknesses.

It can be a bit awkward, though, when Edward and I are feeling amorous toward one another. Jasper usually just gives me a little smirk and pulls Alice away, even if she's in the middle of saying something.

"Is he yours?" Alice asks. "Your One?"

My stomach flutters. "Yes. He's my only, too, so I guess –"

"Don't second guess yourself on this. Society today tells us to sow our wild oats, and try out all sorts of relationships and people before settling…but that's a load of bull," she says, disgust marring her delicate features. "Maybe that's the way for some people, but don't feel pressured to go that route if your heart feels contrary."

I must look a little shocked, because she snorts. "Sorry…I get a little passionate. I don't like the way true love is often dismissed as whimsy or something only Disney movies make up." She stands up, raising on to her tiptoes, hands overhead in sort some sort of ballerina-like stretch. "Jasper says I'm a hopeless romantic and maybe I am; I don't know. I guess it's different for everyone, but… some of us just _know_. You meet the right person and the last puzzle piece falls in to place."

What she's saying makes so much sense. Not that I need validation for what I have with Edward, but hearing someone else describe it in terms of their own life is pretty amazing.

"Love at first sight?" I say, flopping back on to the blankets while I watch her navigate the pictures and posters on my wall.

"Maybe not love right away, but…_it don't take a whole day to recognize sunshine_." She peeks mischievously at me over her shoulder.

Later, when I'm falling asleep, a good night text comes through from Edward. There have already been several throughout the course of the day…

_I might run next time. Or drive. This sucks._

_Just landed_

_Miss you_

_They said to bring you next time_

_Going hunting_

_You're probably already sleeping but in case you're not, good night. Love you._

Yawning, I bring the phone closer so I can type a response.

_You caught me right as I drifted. I love you too._

My night with Alice still fresh on my mind, I send another message. _I can't wait to see you. Already have so much to tell you._

His reply surprises me. _Really? Me too._

* * *

It was probably her intention all along, but after Alice leaves on Saturday, I do a lot of thinking. I know I want to be with Edward forever. I wanted that before he left, and now that he's back, I might want it even more. I think about exchanging vows, how people promise for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. Shouldn't real love encompass those things always? Does it really take a ceremony or a piece of paper in order to feel those things in one's heart?

No, it doesn't. It's _because_ a person feels those things that they might get married. As for me, I know two things for sure: one, that there was never any doubt that I'd stick with Edward, regardless of how crazy the circumstances. Maybe our "for worse" is the reality of what happened to him in Brazil. And two, promises and ceremonies might not be necessary, but I want them anyway, I want the ritual, the specialness.

On Sunday, I'm savoring the last of the ice cream when I hear a key in the lock. Edward walks through the door, as if he hasn't been gone for nearly three days.

Surprised, I let my spoon clang in to the bowl. "Hey! I w—"

With vampire speed that still takes my breath away – sometimes literally – he drops his stuff, crosses the room and picks me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. We kiss, softly and then openly, passion building with every press of our lips.

"The weekend was never so long," he mumbles after a moment.

I kiss him in response, sliding my tongue around his mouth. I've missed his taste.

"I think I'm getting used to your venom," I breathe, pulling back to kiss the corner of his mouth.

He sets me down. "You are. I asked Carlisle about it, and he said that repeated, consistent exposure would help you build up a tolerance…although you'll never fully be inured."

"Interesting," I say, thinking about the implications of this. I wonder how far it goes. Does it stop with kissing? I'd always assumed the venom in his saliva was weaker anyway, more diluted than the stuff he'd inject if he bit me. Otherwise he would've been able to change me with a heavy make out session. "So were you glad to see everyone? I bet Esme missed you."

"She did," he says, rolling his eyes even as he smiles. "She's totally taken on this mama bear role, even though she's barely older than me. None of them are over thirty, can you believe that?"

I blink, absorbing this bit of information. "No, I can't. The way you've described them…"

"No, I know. I mean…obviously they're old because they've been around forever. But in terms of how old they were when they were changed… Esme was twenty six."

"How old is Carlisle? Or rather, was he?"

"Twenty three," he says, going back to the window to draw the curtains shut. "It was good to see him. This is the first time we've been apart since Brazil, so…"

Biting my thumbnail, I stand silently, watching the play of emotions across his face. I know he's thinking of his last days as a human, and of his parents.

"Shower with me?" he asks suddenly, holding out his hand. "I'd forgotten how gross traveling makes me feel."

Blushing, I shake my head. "You know how the bathrooms get on Sunday nights."

"And _you_ know it's not even that busy during the summer," he retorts, grabbing his towel. He's right; the townhouse style dorm I live in is only half full right now, giving the illusion that it's more private than it really is. Come fall, it's going to be full capacity and crazy. Like he's reading my thoughts, he adds, "You'll be staying with me next semester."

But I'm always paranoid someone will see us. Technically, Edward isn't supposed to live here although he probably uses compulsion to work around that. Still, I don't like to risk it. Pulling my shirt off, I start on my jeans. "I'll stay here. Hurry."

Telling a vampire to hurry is redundant, I suppose, because I've just settled in to bed to polish off the now-melted ice cream when he returns, half naked and wet.

"I know you didn't walk down the hall like that," I squeal as he comes for me, tossing aside my blanket. "Wait, wait! I don't want this spilling on the carpet."

Growling, he swipes the plastic bowl away and puts it on the ground before easing down in between my legs.

"You feel almost warm," I whisper, closing my eye as his hands make their way over my body.

"I put the water on as hot as it would go," he says, nudging me back so I'm lying flat. My underwear disappears, only a little red mark from the elastic indicating it was ever on.

We're naked now, which, as of this summer, is nothing new. What_ is_ new is the tension between us. It's good tension; anticipation. Like something changed this weekend, not just for me but for him.

"I missed you," he says, hovering so close that I have goose bumps from the almost-contact. Using my legs, I bring him closer, and even though he's more than capable of resisting, he lets me.

"I missed you too…"

"Alice took good care of you?"

"Of course."

"We should go together next time." He punctuates his words with kisses, licking shivery trails over my neck. "I love you."

"I love you too," I say. "I always will."

We kiss. "Always?"

"Yes."

"Always is different for me than it is for you," he says, and the earnestness in his voice makes my heart ache so badly. "Anything can happen…we might not have always…but I'll take whatever you'll give me."

Taking a deep breath, I say it. "I can give you always."

He pauses, his breath shallow beside my ear. "What are you saying?"

"I want you to change me. Not right now, but soon. I want to be like you." I grasp his chin, making him look at me. "I want to be _with_ you."

He closes his eyes. "You don't know what you're asking."

"Like you haven't thought about it." I tighten the grip my legs have around his body, not letting any space between us.

"I do think about it, Bella, but it's a huge deal. This is your life we're talking about, not where you want to live next year or if you should trade in your truck for a newer model…"

"I'll be trading me in for a new model," I joke, trying to lighten the mood.

But Edward will have none of it. "I want you to be sure."

"I am sure," I say, pulling myself closer to him so we can kiss. "You're everything, Edward. I've been thinking about this…and I know. I can't explain it, I just _know_. This is the path I'm meant to choose."

"Did Alice have anything to do with this?" he asks.

"She…helped me clarify my feelings."

"Thought so."

"Hey." He looks like he's retreating so I yank him back, physically as well as emotionally. "I think we would have stayed together had you come back from Brazil as a human. We would have…" Thinking about the splendor of last summer puts a lump in my throat, and no matter how much I try to swallow it, it remains.

"Stayed together. Gone to school together," he says. "Lived together…like this."

"Yeah. The specifics have changed, but we still have that and I think we always will."

"I know we always will."

"Then changing me, even if it's in a couple of years, is a natural step. It would be like… full commitment. Like…"

"Like getting married, but with no _till death do us part_," he finishes, his eyes shining as he lowers to kiss me.

"Right." Smiling, I let him in to my mouth.

We kiss and then stop, kiss and then stop, keeping the wooziness at bay. When his mouth isn't on mine, he's kissing my collarbone and chest, the underside of my breasts, my nipples. He drags his lips and tongue down to my bellybutton, where he pauses to look up at me.

"I can smell the second you get wet," he says, sliding his fingers down to prove his point.

My skin is warm; my face burns. "Yeah?"

"Mhm." His fingers are inside now; two, maybe three.

Shutting my eyes, I arch back, losing myself to the feelings he gives me. When his cool tongue kisses me there, I shiver with cold and anticipation, knowing how quickly he can bring me to climax when he uses his mouth.

I come, grasping him by his hair to pull him away when it becomes too sensitive. It's a game; he likes to see how much he can make me squirm, sometimes even making me come again before letting me recover. But this time he lets himself be pulled, right back to where he was before, all of him lined up with all of me.

His eyes start to darken, and he groans, rubbing himself against me. I recognize his sounds; so many things survived his change, like the noises he makes when he's coming, or the tone of his voice when he desperately wants to.

And right now, he desperately wants to.

Back to his normal temperature now, our passion gives me heat even if his skin cannot. He kisses me deeply, not retreating until I'm panting in to his mouth. I'm open, so open to him and what he wants from me.

"We should get married," he whispers, letting our eyes meet. "Do you want to?"

"Yes," I whisper back, nodding.

"When?" he asks.

He's so close now. So close. I reach between us to guide him, and he doesn't stop me. Emboldened by his acquiescence, I stroke him, watching his face tense and calm with my movements. He isn't trying to control this, to put a stop to this. Maybe he's finally letting our relationship go where it's been heading for over a year. I don't know what changed, exactly, but it seems we're finally on the same page.

"Now…"

"Right here, in bed?" he teases.

"It doesn't matter," I say, vaguely surprised at how sure I am, how simple and basic this decision is for me to make. "I'll want you always."

"I'll want you always too."

Something passes between us; a moment, a look.

"Are you ready?" I ask, my voice barely more than the faintest whisper. "I really want to feel you."

He nods, ducking his head to kiss me quickly.

"What changed?"

"This weekend, even though I knew it was temporary, I felt empty without you. You're a part of me in ways I can't even explain, and I know that it's the same for you. You were patient with me when I didn't know that and I…don't want to wait anymore. I get it now."

I might cry, so I just nod and touch his face instead.

He kisses my fingertips, braces himself above me, and pushes inside. It's not slow. "I want to feel you," he echoes, lacing his fingers through mine and holding our hands above my head. "Is this… are you –"

"I'm okay," I groan, overwhelmed by the pain and the fullness. For once the temperature of Edward's skin comes in handy, acting like a cool compress to where he's just broken me.

"This is intense," he grounds out, the strain evident in his voice. "Really…"

Slowing down, he glances down at where we're joined. I wiggle my hands so he'll let go of them, wrapping my arms around his neck instead. We kiss. It's nearly too much, feeling Edward thrust in to me as his tongue does the same.

But then he freezes. "You're bleeding."

Not knowing what to do, I cease all movement. My mind, however, is racing: the absurd fear that Alice and Jasper might come busting down our door flickers randomly through my thoughts.

"Do you want to –"

"No, just..." He pulls out, visibly not breathing. When he finally looks at me, his eyes are nearly black, like his pupils have dilated to the point of taking over. My heart slams in my chest. Never has his true nature been as apparent as it is right now. For the first time since he came back, I'm truly afraid that he might hurt me.

Sitting up, I start to inch away, but he shakes his head and puts his hand on my thigh, stopping me. The throbbing between my legs seems distant as I wait. After a small eternity, Edward lets go of my leg. His eyes are still dark, but not so wild looking as he lays me down.

"You okay?" he whispers.

"I'm fine. Are _you_ okay?"

He stretches himself over me again, entering me. Wincing, I take him, not wanting to make the wrong move. But then he kisses my ear, and slides his hands under me so he's holding my body closer. "I'm good. Promise."

Releasing a shaky breath, I focus on the way he makes me feel. It still hurts, but I'm getting used to it. I think I could like it; in fact, I know I will once we get past this first time.

Edward's eyelids flutter. "I'm gonna come," he whispers.

"Okay," I whisper back, watching him frown and bite his lip in concentration.

He gasps and then pulses in to me. It wasn't as dramatic as I'd imagined; he seems very intent on keeping things calm. His eyes pop open and he grins lazily at me. "Wow."

Laughing, I pull him down for another kiss. Our connection's a lot wetter now, slippery. He starts thrusting again, still hard, and it feels really good.

"You can keep going?" I guess.

"I can keep going," he says, smug and satisfied and utterly sexy. "If you want me to."

Is he kidding? I've only dreamed about this forever. "I want you to."

Rolling on to his back, he sits me atop him. "This okay?"

I'm sore, but it feels better up here. I roll my hips experimentally, and Edward's eyes nearly roll back in to his head. I'm reminded of the times we've done this with our clothes on, only this is a thousand times better. After a few uncoordinated tries, I fall in to a rhythm that feels exquisite. He reaches up to touch me while we move and, to my surprise, makes me come again.

Which makes him have another orgasm…which wipes me out. We lay side by side, wrapped in each other despite the August heat. Even Edward's warmed up again, some.

Starting to doze, I kiss his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you, too. I'm glad we waited," he says, sounding shy.

The most intense affection I've ever felt wells up in my heart. "Me too."

He takes care of me, and later, when he wakes me from a sound, sex-stupefied sleep to do it again, I let him.

* * *

_Last January_

Monday. Nothing in the mailbox.

Tuesday, Wednesday…every day. Nothing.

Sagging, I trudged back up the walk, pulling my sweater around me tightly. I didn't expect there to be times like this, where the waiting would stretch so long that it would feel like that was all I'd ever done. I missed my life, I missed my love.

All around me, people were in love. Charlie and Sue with their morning coffee and subtle smooches in the hallway when they thought no one was looking. Leah and Sam. Ugh, Leah and Sam. Always emerging from her room or his car, looking or smelling like sex. I could barely even deal with La Push, with all of the matched up couples making out on the beach.

And then there was Jake. My best friend, lately, by far. I didn't know what I'd do without him, only recently he'd been acting a little funny too. Lingering longer when he took me home, letting his hugs envelop me until I felt claustrophobic. I refused to even entertain any thoughts of what might've been going on with him.

There was only Edward. There would only ever be Edward. The fact that he'd stopped calling and writing hurt, but I told myself it was because his family had been held back, needed. Edward loved me. Things like that didn't just change or disappear. I didn't want best friends or guy friends…I wanted my boyfriend.

Later, Leah kicked at my foot under the table. "You sure you can't go?"

Shrugging, I planted a spear of broccoli in to my mashed potatoes, making it stand up straight like a little tree.

"Bella plays with _her_ food," Emily said petulantly, giving Sue the stink eye.

"Well, Bella is old enough to know better," Charlie said. "And stop back talking your mother."

I leveled my food scene and took a heaping bite, not wanting to be a bad example. "I just…I think it would be better if I just hung out here. I'm not, I don't know. Not in the mindset to go."

For years, Leah and her friends had been fantasizing about doing an epic road trip. Life had always gotten in the way, though: college, funds, family obligations, sicknesses… until this year. About six or seven kids from the res, including Sam and Leah, were forming an east-bound caravan, set to leave within the next week. Charlie hadn't been too keen on me going, even though Sue gushed that it was just the sort of thing she'd have done at our age. I could tell he was relieved that I was backing out, even if the reasons for my doing so, sucked.

I wasn't the only one concerned about the Masen's. Forks was a small town, and while I was the only one who had been actively corresponding with them through Edward, everyone knew that they hadn't been heard from in quite some time. They had been scheduled to return by December at the very latest, but that came and went with no word. The people taking care of the grounds, like the guys that cut their grass, hadn't heard anything either.

After dinner, I went on to the porch. The cold air did little to soothe the pain in my stomach and the ache in my heart, but it was better than being cooped up inside. The trees shifted in the breeze, shushing quietly. I scrolled through the pictures on my phone, smiling reflexively at the faces. It was my new night time routine: torturing myself with this visual litany of happier times.

The last one of Edward and I popped up; our eyes closed, faint smiles on our lips. We'd taken it of ourselves moments before he'd left for Seattle, the sun shining on our faces.

I missed him, terribly. It was almost like he'd never existed.

* * *

"Bells." Charlie shook me awake. I'd been sleeping in a lot lately, spending most of my mornings in bed. Half the time I didn't even bother with the Inn until the afternoon.

"Hm?" I turned my face away, pressing it to the sheets.

"Bella Marie."

Yawning, I rolled over. My father rarely used my name like that. "What's up?"

Sighing heavily, he sat on the edge of my bed. "Just got back from the station."

"You been helping out down there again?" I asked absently, my mind already checking out of the conversation.

"No…" He cleared his throat. "Crowley gave me a call, asked me to come on down. Said he had news."

I looked at him, more awake than groggy now. "News about what?"

"The Masens."

"What is it? What'd he say?"

"Mr. and Mrs. Masen…" He frowned, shaking his head, no longer meeting my eyes. "They found their bodies, Bells. Said they died from malaria."

Cold. Not the numb kind; achy. It came from deep inside, squeezing my gut like a vice grip. I stared blankly at Charlie, who was still rambling quietly.

"…director of the program contacted the chief of staff down at the hospital…"

I could see him talking, but the words became a jumble of nonsense.

He grabbed my arm, shaking me. "Did you hear me, Bella?"

"Daddy?" I whispered, wincing as bile burned up my throat.

"They can't find Edward."

* * *

_*(Alice quotes) The Light - Common_

_xoxo_

_thanks for reading, and hugs to those that reviewed last time. you guys are awesome._


	13. Auspicious

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic, for always coming to my aid. always._

_sorry so late. internet fail._

* * *

Monday morning.

Instead of going to class today, I spend time in bed with Edward, in a fortress made of blankets and warmth, the window shade pulled tight to shield us from the outside world. It's rainy today, which is normally the ideal kind of day to be outside with Edward, but what we have in here is so much better. I want to hold on to this a little longer, enjoy it. Granted that when I _do_ go to class he'll be right here waiting on my return, but for now, I choose the bubble.

Edward does, too. He hasn't left yet either, and has had a small smile on his face all day, even with his need to hunt. It doesn't matter that he fed hours before boarding his plane back to Seattle; in a matter of seconds our lovemaking brought back his bloodlust with a vengeance.

And yet, here we are.

He draws a wintry finger up my hip, sketching lazy patterns while I shiver beneath his touch, cold despite the coziness of our bed... and aroused. He won't yield to my horny little overtures, though. Hot as last night was, he knows I'm in pain, sore from letting him take me twice.

"We're back to square one," I whisper, touching his lips, a slash of red against his pale features.

"Like how?" he murmurs absently. Even now, his eyes are on my breasts, and the dip my navel creates a little lower.

"I want you, but you don't want to..."

"To hurt you," he finishes, gentle and almost amused. "Right."

"I wish we could stay here all week," I sigh, rolling on to my back, and letting his hand fall away.

"Me too," he says. "But today will have to be enough. I need to..." He swallows, looking like he has a sore throat. "Hunt."

"Why don't you go?"

"I'd rather stay with you." His head is on my stomach, his lips leaving kisses there.

"I'll be okay," I say, running my fingers through his thick, soft hair. "I could take a shower..."

"Later, maybe."

"All right." Settling back, I let my eyes follow the sleepy play of light the sun makes through a space in the curtain.

"You know I want to," Edward whispers after a couple of minutes, his knuckles brushing over the hair between my legs. I draw my knees up, playfully knocking his hand away. "I always want to."

"What, hunt?" I tease, side eyeing him.

"You could say that," he says, pupils dilating a bit as he takes in my naked body.

I pull him closer, and he lets me press my body to his, his hardness yielding somehow to my softness. Mindful of morning breath, I kiss his ears, his neck, his shoulder, until he growls softly and nudges me on to my back. "Maybe I _should _go hunt now," he rasps. "I'm gonna call Jasper."

* * *

Most of my housemates, save one, are in class. The bathroom is blessedly empty, and I luxuriate beneath the hot water for a lot longer than usual. I feel like new when I emerge; most of the soreness is gone, replaced by only mild discomfort.

Back in my room, I debate on whether or not to get dressed. On one hand, I feel amorous and romantic despite Edward's lame attempts at protecting me. On the other, maybe I should stop trying to tempt the poor boy. I feel silly and unlike myself, and in some ways I'm _not_ myself...I'm different than I was yesterday.

In the end I decide that I don't need to do or be anything other than whoever I am at the moment, and I slip a sundress on over lotioned skin.

I'm in the middle of an assignment for one of the classes I'm missing when Edward comes home, his hands subtly stained red despite the fact he probably washed them several times. This happens from time to time, depending on how messy the hunt. He hates for me to see it, hates that it reminds us both of the reality of who – and what – he is, and while I can't say I like it, it doesn't bother me as much as it should. It's not like it's human blood, anyway.

"That was quick," I say, clicking save on my document before shutting the laptop.

"We went right outside the city," he explains. "Got lucky, quick."

"Do you want to shower?"

"I already did, at Alice and Jasper's."

My face warms. "Did they...do they know?"

"About last night?" His smiles, looking down as he kicks off his sneakers. "Of course."

"Ugh, that's embarrassing," I say, laughing.

He shrugs. "Necessary evil."

I guess it is, in a way. It's going to be a while before Alice feels comfortable leaving us completely alone. Compared to the others, Edward is still very new to this lifestyle and both Jasper and Alice have expressed surprise at the restraint Edward shows. Personally, I think it's just a lingering moral code left over from his human time. He has always sought to do the right thing, always abided with such deep seeded integrity; that didn't change.

If he was going to hurt me, he would have done it by now. "I trust you."

"I know you do." He peels his shirt over his head, making my heart beat faster. His beauty sends a sharp stab of longing through the very pit of me. Having heard the increase of blood flowing through my body, he pauses, zeroing in on my chest, as if he can actually see beneath the muscles, blood and bone. "I'll miss that."

"What?" I breathe.

He comes to me, kneeling next to the bed where I'm sitting. "Your heartbeat, the way you smell..."

"Oh... yeah. I know," I say, acknowledging this because I miss the very same things about him. And yet, the essence of who he is strongly outshines the physical particulars that may have changed. He's just like the old Edward, only enhanced, somehow more vivid. "Although...your smell isn't all that different, you know. It's still you."

Pushing his way closer, he ducks his head and runs his face along the inside of my knee, scenting me, tickling me. "I remember this stuff," he says, wrinkling his nose. "You wore it all the time last summer. Used it in the shower."

"You loved it," I remind him.

"I did. But I love the smell of you more, now."

Laying back, we resume our places in bed, losing clothing and inhibitions, reestablishing the intimate quietude we shared earlier. I think about Edward's aversion to the smell of food, and wonder if this extends to other things.

"Does lotion and bath gel and stuff bother you now?" I ask. "The scent, I mean?"

"It doesn't really bother me...except that it isn't you," he says. "There's something really...appealing about the way _your _skin smells...your blood, your sweat."

"My tears?" I tease, grinning when he pinches the skin at my hip.

"Maybe even that."

"Hmm." My fingers catch in his tangled hair, prompting me to gently undo the knots. "Would you rather I didn't wear it?"

"Yes."

"Okay." It's not that big of a deal to me; I'd imagine that dating someone with allergies would be the same.

"Unless your skin is dry or something. I don't want you blaming me for chapped cheeks."

"I don't wear scented lotion on my face."

"I wasn't referring to those cheeks," he says, grinning impishly up at me.

I tug at his hair and he gentles me on to my back, kissing me soundly.

"I don't care what you say," I tell him, warming his ear with my tongue. "I want you now."

"I want you now too."

"Good."

He sits up, tossing the blankets to the floor. "You realize my sexual appetite is insatiable, right? I could go...literally...all night."

"Like an R&B song."

"I'm serious," he says, cocking his head. "All night."

"I don't need you to go all night," I say, giving him a coy smirk. "I just need you to go _right now_."

He can move fast when he wants to; a flash of light, the blink of an eye, but I like best when he stalks slowly toward me like this.

* * *

Edward holds the phone out to me. "She wants to speak to you."

Surprised, I take the phone. I've never met Esme, but like the rest of Edward's adoptive family, she makes me nervous. I want her to approve of me, which is ridiculous because I was with Edward before she even knew who he was. The fact that she will outlive me if I don't change in to a vampire, though, makes her important. Well, that and the fact that, even though Edward makes jokes about how young she is, he adores her not just as a friend, but as a motherly type.

"Hi, Esme?"

"Bella, hi! I was just telling Edward we'd love to have you come up soon. Do you have a break between summer and fall semester?"

Caught off guard, I pause, glancing at Edward before answering. "Uh, yeah. I do. I was thinking about going home, but..."

"Oh! Well, don't change your plans. I just hoped maybe..."

But now that the idea has presented itself, I find it really appealing. "No, I go home all the time. I could, maybe I could come up. I'd like that."

"Think about it, okay? And talk to Edward," Esme says. Even on the phone, her voice is warm and awfully sweet. "We'd love to have you."

"Thank you, Esme," I say, overwhelmed that this woman would take me in to her home so quickly and enthusiastically.

"Of course."

I hand the phone back to Edward, who chats with her a moment more before hanging up.

"That was unexpected," I say, sinking on to my bed.

"Not really." He shrugs. "She's been wanting to meet you. She..."

"What?"

He eyes me, shaking his head. "She knows you're in my life for good."

"Is...she one of the reasons you came home so sure about everything last time?"

"I've been sure." He sits beside me, smoothing his hand down my thigh. "But seeing all of them...together...it made me realize I have what they have now. I always have, I guess. I just..." He stops abruptly, averting his eyes.

It takes me a second, but I realize there's pain in his expression. Holding his hand between both of mine, I squeeze. "Tell me."

"When I came back to the states, but before I started visiting you at night... there was a very real chance that I'd lost you forever. I –"

"Never."

"Let me finish. I didn't know the depth of your feelings. I mean, I knew we loved each other, but it's easy to say that when things are going well, when things are..._normal_. This was anything but normal, and I had to be prepared to let you go if necessary."

"Would you have been able to?" I ask quietly, gazing at his profile. "Let me go?"

"I don't know," he whispers. "Thinking about it makes me feel sick."

Cuddling closer, I rest my head on his shoulder. That was such a dark time in both our lives, and I shudder inwardly, imagining how close we were to losing one another. "Me too."

"So...anyway, I was trying to come to terms with the possibility that I could lose you because you wouldn't want to be with me this way. I wouldn't have blamed you, either. It's a lot to ask of anyone." He swallows, unnecessarily. Like many things, it's a habit from his human life. "Esme was there for me. We talked through things a lot." He laughs humorlessly. "I think she had faith in you even when I didn't. She got pretty tough with me, telling me not to give up. It was so tempting to just...give up."

Edward's eyes meet mine, and though there are no tears, I know there would be if he was human.

"I'm so, so glad you didn't give up," I say, kissing his cheek.

There's such love in his eyes when he looks at me. "Me too. You never did."

"I couldn't," I tell him. "Clinging to the hope that you were alive was all I had after awhile. I felt like half of my heart was gone. I don't know how people recover from things like that."

"Neither do I."

We were so close to tragic loss. When I think about the ways it would have altered my life, it puts an ache in my stomach. Not one thing would be the same for me.

"They all want to meet you, you know."

"I want to meet them, too. Maybe...I don't know. I'll talk to Charlie. I have to..." I trail off, unsure of what I have to do. How on earth do I go about this? Sure, _technically _it would be simple enough to leave Seattle for a weekend, but somehow leaving the state without telling my dad seems dishonest and major.

"Just come with me. Same as I did, Friday to Sunday. We'll be back before anyone even knows you're gone."

"I hate keeping you a secret," I admit, fighting against the lump in my throat. He's everything to me, my every day preoccupation, my future, the love of my forever-life, and there's not a soul I can tell.

He kisses my ear, my cheek, lingers on my neck. "I know. But, for now, let's just do what we can."

* * *

The following weekend, Angela comes up like she promised she would.

We spend the days she's here, ironically, visiting all of the places Edward and I have found, as well as a couple of her favorite spots. On Sunday evening, during a light dinner before she heads back home, the topic falls to Fork's gossip, as it so often does between us.

"You know who I saw at the beach the other night?" she asks, cutting her pizza with a knife and fork. I like to tease her about it.

"Who?"

"Your friend Jake," she says, glancing up at me, her utensils still for a moment. "I think he's got a girlfriend now."

This is news to me. I wonder briefly why Leah never mentioned it when we spoke on the phone.

"Really? Good for him...it's about time."

"I know, right? It was so awkward when he was in to you."

My heart squeezes uncomfortably. Because of Angela's visit, it's been a couple of days since last I saw Edward, but I know he's lurking about nearby. He doesn't really let me out of his site when I leave the dorm, and even then, he has Alice keeping an eye on things. They're probably listening to our conversation right now. Edward knows all about Jake, partly because he heard the thoughts of the tribe during the days he spent in the woods outside my room, and partly because I've filled in the details.

Forcing a small laugh, I roll my eyes. "Yeah, that was just...misguided affection."

"Especially since...you know." Her eyes meet mine. "You weren't really in the mindset for a new relationship."

"Yeah." Wistfully, desperately, I wish I could tell her everything, but I can't. It makes little sense to keep wishing. "So did you meet her? Jake's girlfriend?"

"Oh, yeah. Her name's Vanessa. Really, really pretty girl. She's not Quiluete, but she's Native...moved down from Oregon or something."

"Huh. She new to town?" I ask, wondering if that's why I've never encountered her before. "I mean, recently?"

"Mhm. I think she said she was visiting someone in La Push, and then she met Jake, and now they're living together."

"_What?"_ I gasp. "Already?"

Angela blushes, nodding.

"Wow. He didn't waste any time," I chuckle. Even as I say it, though, I know instinctively what Angela isn't saying, what she couldn't know: Jake's finally imprinted. It explains the quickness with which he and Vanessa have fallen for one another, how fast they're moving, why Leah hasn't said anything. They're probably waiting for me to come home for a visit so they can tell me in person. After everything that's happened within our group of friends, this is huge, both for Jake's life, but also for mine. I feel a sense of great relief, like we can all move forward now.

At least, he can. I still have a lot to figure out in regard to how I'm going to continue navigating life with Edward.

"So...who's Anthony?" Angela asks suddenly. She stares at her plate, making me wonder how long she's wanted to ask.

Swallowing quickly, I almost cough. "What?"

She frowns, wiping her mouth as she finally looks at me. "Isn't that who you've been dating?" she asks slowly, cautiously.

I nod haltingly. "Kind of...he's a close friend, and I have feelings for him. I mean, we'll see. Who'd you hear that from?"

"Carmen," she says, smiling a little. "Remember the night you came to our room when I wasn't there? And you ended up staying with another 'friend'?" She curves her fingers in to air quotes. "Carmen says she sees you guys out all the time."

Realizing that I've totally tensed up, I try to relax, loosening the fists I've made under the table.

Edward's usually so aware of our surroundings that I wonder if he's noticed Carmen hanging around? We only go out together at night, but there are plenty of other people –_humans_ –who live similar lifestyles as a result of their schedules; working and going to school by day, socializing at night. And it's not so strange that she'd be around, seeing we attend the same university.

It does, however, creep me out that she's seen us but not said anything. It almost makes me feel like we're being watched or something. I wonder if any other people have noticed us the nights we venture out.

"She gave me a funny vibe, to be honest," I blurt out, thinking of the way Carmen looked at Edward.

Angela tilts her head. "What do you mean?"

"I think she liked...Anthony."

"Oh, probably. She's one of those girls... I mean, look at her. Gorgeous, right?"

"Definitely. But..."

"No, I know," she says, leaning back in her chair. "She's a bit of a flirt, but she never tried that with Ben so I guess it's easy for me to ignore. She did say Anthony was hot, though."

This conversation is getting less comfortable by the second.

"Do I get to meet him?" she asks, grinning slyly.

"I – I, maybe. Yeah. He's kind of all over the place," I stammer.

Angela frowns slightly at my vague response, and again, I feel awful. She and I were so close once; she was often there for me when my heart was breaking over Edward's absence, and now she probably thinks I'm pulling away from her. Which, in a way, I suppose I am.

Reaching across the table, I grab her hand. "Soon. When things calm down."

_Whatever that means._

Moments after I see Ange off, Edward strolls up. My blood surges, leaving me slightly light headed and excited. I'd been doing my best to ignore the pull I've felt all weekend, but now that he's here, every part of me yearns for his touch.

Our hands clasp; I angle my face upward for a kiss, but he brushes his lips against my cheek instead.

He hurries me upstairs, murmuring apologies to the people we jostle in the hall, and into our room, where he locks the door and leans me against it.

"Hi," he says, his cool breath tingling over my throat. Just like time apart causes him to have to get used to my blood scent all over again, it makes me un-used to his temperature. Shivering, I break out in goosebumps, my nipples hardening in both arousal and cold.

Eyes closed, I hold him close, resting my cheek on top of his head, breathing him in. "Hi."

Once he's calmed himself to the blood rushing beneath my skin, he looks up at me, eyes a bright gold.

"You hunted," I observe, running my fingers across his cheekbone.

He nods, but his eyes are on my chest as he unbuttons my shirt, leaving it open, and then pulls my skirt down, like he can't decide what to do first. I shrug out of the shirt and step out of the skirt, pushing away from the door. His fingertips tickle as they unhook my bra and then it's a flurry and a blur of movement; I'm caged in his arms as he tips me over the side of the bed. I know what he needs, because I need it too.

My need pales in comparison to his, however. He's holding back right now, unwilling to lose control with me, but I can feel his desperation in how tightly he holds me.

He puts his mouth to my neck again, smelling and kissing me before bending me over. My heart starts to race. I'm always at his mercy; he could so easily overpower me even though we both know he never would, but having him behind me makes me feel especially vulnerable. He slides a hand up between my legs, parting them, and he touches me, burning my body with hot and cold.

I'm wet and ready; I have been since I saw him on the sidewalk. Time apart seems to do this to us both. I don't have a second to think about whether or not our codependence is healthy; nor do I care. Steadying my hips in his grip, he enters me and starts to thrust harder and faster than he has since we've started having sex.

Only it's never just having sex, nor is it only making love. It's something beyond, a cleaving of souls, true mating in every sense of the word. He's rough, but not careless, and I find that the deeper and harder he goes, the better I like it.

* * *

"Stop brooding."

But Edward won't look me in the eye. No, his eyes are glue to the twin handprints on either side of my body, bright red and softly bruised. Irritated, I yank the sheets up to disturb his view, but he pulls them right back down again. Staring, _brooding_. Leaning down, he kisses the bruises and then stands, crossing the room to stare out the window.

"Why didn't you tell me I was hurting you?" he asks, his voice thick with anguish.

"It didn't hurt at the time," I say. "Actually, it still doesn't hurt..."

"Come on," he spits, whirling around. "_That_ hurts. Don't say it doesn't."

I hurl a pillow at him. "Maybe I like it rough."

"It isn't funny," he huffs, disgust marring his perfect face. It's hard to take him seriously, though, when he's wearing nothing but boxers and clutching a purple pillow.

Shrugging, I lay back. So he marked me. So what. Unable to bear his emo angst, I decide to change the subject.

"So...Angela said Carmen sees us around."

It works. His eyes snap from the window to me, and he comes back, tossing the pillow down before sitting. "I heard."

"Did you already know that?"

"Of course. I hear her from time to time. Her apartment's not too far from here."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

He shrugs. "Bella, it's frustrating enough to hear people's thoughts and then to block them out. Repeating everything back to you would just be...pointless."

"Not everyone's thoughts," I argue. "Just...the ones concerning us. I mean...Carmen. She wanted you. She _met_ you. She told Ange about you, about Anthony!"

"Which reminds me... you slipped, you know," he says, raking his hands through his hair.

"What? When?"

"The night we met her. You called me Edward as we left."

"I did not," I say, but I'm not so sure. I try to recall that night, but it was months ago and my memory isn't as vampirific as Edward's.

"You did," he says, rather smugly. "It's okay. I compelled it right out of her."

"Okay..."

"I'm telling you this because she's not a threat, Bella. Her thoughts aren't exactly innocent, but she means no harm."

"She just wants you."

If Edward could still blush, he'd do so right now. "In a manner of speaking."

I roll my eyes. "You don't have to be a mindreader to see that."

"Bella Swan, are you jealous?" he teases, tickling my foot.

I pull it away. "Yes."

"Do you know how many times I've heard guys thinking about you in the exact same way?" he asks, laughing. "Whatever."

"Really?" I ask, a little shocked. Honestly, I hadn't considered that.

Now he's the one rolling his eyes. "You really don't see yourself clearly, do you?"

"Edward, don't let this go to your head but...you were gorgeous before your change and now you're just...perfect. I know the deal."

"Then know you are perfect," he says, his eyes imploring. "For me."

* * *

As summer session winds down, I become busier than ever. Papers are due, exams need to be studied for, and preparations must be made for the fall.

It's been a while, but I haven't gone back to Forks. Charlie doesn't seem to mind much; in fact he tries to surprise me one Saturday by showing up out of the blue with bagels and coffee. Thankfully, Alice saw this happening and whisked Edward away before we could be caught.

"I think I'm going to just stay here," I say, wincing as I sip. The coffee's a lot blacker and stronger than I usually take it. I'll probably be bouncing off the walls later. "I've already filled out the paperwork."

The truth is, Edward's already setting up a place for us, just a couple blocks away, but officially I'll remain a resident of the dorms. I hate thinking of Charlie spending money unnecessarily on housing, but it's the only way right now. At one point I considered telling him that I was going to be an RA for the dorm I'm living in, and that I'd get free housing, but I don't want to lie any more than I have to. It's just for this semester, anyway. Just until I can figure out what my next step is.

Charlie nods, stirring thoughtfully. "Sounds good. Glad you got a plan, Bells."

"Trying to, anyway."

He smiles. "You doing okay out here?"

"I am. I'm really glad I came."

"Good, good." Something flashes across his face, pain maybe. "I didn't like you wasting away in Forks. Town like that's too small for a girl your age."

"Maybe," I say. "I love Forks, though."

"It'll be right there waiting for you when you're ready. Go ahead and live your life."

"I know."

We eat quietly awhile, enjoying the late morning sun. "Ange told me Jake has a new girlfriend," I comment, stuffing the last of my bagel in to my mouth.

Charlie snorts. "Never seen that boy as crazy as he is now. He and that girl are glued at the hip."

"So I've heard," I laugh. "Good for him."

"Yeah... he seems happy enough. They got a place on the edge of town, down by the beach in La Push."

"Sounds pretty."

"Moving a little fast if you ask me, but Billy seems to think it's all right."

I nod, hating that my father is in the dark about so many things. Everyone he loves –me, Sue, his best friend Billy –we all keep secrets from him. When does dishonesty became acceptable? When is protecting someone no longer a good enough excuse? The weight of it settles in my gut, turning my food to lead. I vow one day to, at the very least, tell him the things that are mine to tell.

* * *

We choose the weekend before fall semester starts to visit Thorne Bay. Leaving on the latest flight possible Thursday afternoon, we take several planes, including a sea plane for the last leg, and arrive late at night.

My nerves have somewhat abated by now. During the flight, Edward explained the significance a vampire's mate has, and why we're so special to one another. I've gotten to know Alice and Jasper, and now I'm looking forward to seeing the dynamic between Carlisle and Esme. Despite their youthful faces, the Cullens have been paired off for decades, and they want nothing more than to see Edward enjoy the same blessing. He assures me I can do no wrong.

Carlisle and Esme meet us at the tiny local airport, and to anyone watching, they're nothing more than happy parents welcoming their son and his girlfriend home. To me, though, they're the people who selflessly and lovingly took Edward in when he was essentially orphaned. I'm not normally an effusive person with people I don't know well, but at this moment, I'm filled with love and deep appreciation.

"Bella," Esme says, gently hugging me. She's small and deceptively delicate looking, but her embrace is strong. "I can't believe you're finally here. Edward has always spoken so much about you."

Blushing, I give her a quick squeeze and back up. "Same here. I feel like I know you guys already."

She laughs and glances at Carlisle, who gives me a dazzling smile and a one armed hug. "Welcome, Bella. We're glad you could come."

"Thank you for having me," I say simply, allowing Edward to carry my backpack. It's not that heavy, but I know he likes to feel like he's taking care of me.

He takes my hand and we follow Carlisle and Esme out to the parking lot. With her heart shaped face and warm, caramel colored hair, and his blond movie star looks, they make a gorgeous couple. It's a good thing I've become used to Edward, Alice and Jasper's physical perfection, otherwise I'd probably be developing an inferiority complex right about now.

Having spent time in Forks, I'm used to small towns and a sparse landscape, but Thorne Bay is even quieter. The Cullen's home is miles outside of town, giving us time to talk a bit while driving. They ask me about school and the classes I'm taking, and then badger Edward about starting up again. He takes the ribbing good-naturedly, deflecting with ease. This is a topic he and I have discussed many times, and I know he's waiting on me, in a way, to decide when and where he'll return to school. UW is no longer a viable option for him, but apparently with Carlisle's connections he could go anywhere.

I used to feel pressured that Edward was basing some of his decisions on me, but then I realized two things. One, he's going to live forever. Even if he _does _choose wrong, he has multiple lifetimes to fix his mistakes. Two, if he and I are going to spend our lives together, it's a given that we're going to take each other's preferences and desires in to account.

Being the only human in a houseful of vampires is quite strange. Unlike Edward, who I knew before he was turned, these graceful, beautiful beings seem otherworldly to me. Funnily enough, they seem to regard me as a sort of novelty as well and it's not long before we're all chatting. Emmett's outgoing and lively; his laugh booms like thunder every time he's amused. Which is often. His dark curls and dimpled grin are an interesting contrast to his mate, Rosalie, whose waist length blonde hair and somewhat severe expression give her something of an ice queen countenance. She seems a lot more guarded, but as time goes on, we warm to each other.

In fact, it's easy. All of it. I know that the Cullens _want_ to like me, so that helps, but it's a relief anyway. A sign, perhaps, that I can fit in to Edward's world. The time will come when I'll have to choose, and while I'd do anything to spend my life with him, it would be good to have other aspects of that life – besides him – to look forward to. Obviously this is my first visit, and only time will tell, but if the warm, secure feeling I have in my heart is any indicator of rightness, then I'm off to a promising start. It feels very...auspicious.

Around one in the morning, my yawns become so frequent that Edward pulls me to my feet. "Come on; let's go to bed."

"But you won't sleep..."

Emmett chuckles at that.

"I'll rest," says Edward. "With you."

Esme smiles, waving us off. "Go on. We'll see you in the morning."

Upstairs, Edward sits on the bathroom counter while I shower.

"But what do they do at night?" I ask. "Besides hunt?"

"Read, watch television, talk..." His face appears just inside the shower curtain. "Get some."

I rinse the soap off. "That's right; you did say a lot of that goes on."

He chuckles. "Everyone can hear everything in this house, by the way. I think Carlisle said he reinforced the walls to help make them somewhat soundproof, but..."

"Guess we'll be holding off til we get back to Seattle."

"What? No..." He hands me a towel, watching as I dry off.

"For someone so intent on making me wait," I kiss his nose, "you sure are horny."

He makes a face. "I've always been horny. Do you have any idea how hard it was to wait?"

"I think I can imagine," I say dryly.

He grins, following me in to the bedroom, where I pull on one of his t-shirts. It might be summer, but the house is still rather drafty. "So is that a no?"

I pull him down in to the bed with me. "No."

We get beneath the blankets. "Do you like it here?" he asks.

"I do...it's gorgeous."

"Could you see it?"

He's said he can't read my mind, but sometimes I truly wonder. "Being here? With you? With...your family?"

He nods, combing his fingers through my messy hair.

"Yeah, I could."

* * *

_last January_

My hair whipped around my face, but I barely felt it.

Lips moving silently in almost subconscious prayer, I watched the sun set, refusing to leave until the last sliver of light had sunk below the horizon. Once it had, I stood, bundling my blanket. Stars were coming out by the dozen now, despite the fact that night had not quite fallen.

"Bella?" Jake walked swiftly toward me, hands tucked in the front of his hoodie. "I thought that was you. What're you doing out here? It's freezing."

It _was_ cold. My lips were chapped dry and my fingers were nearly numb, yet I barely felt any of it.

Wiping my wet face with my sleeve, I turned away. "I needed to be outside."

"Hey." He came closer, slinging an arm around me. Even with the frigid wind coming off of the water, he managed to be warm, almost feverishly hot. I hoped he wasn't getting sick. Still, instinctively, I leaned in to him, accepting the comfort.

"I heard...about –"

"No." I shook my head, closing my eyes.

_Please be okay, please be okay, please. Come back to me._

"Okay." The wind almost carried his voice away. Without another word, he angled us away from the churning waves and back toward the parking lot. "It's supposed to storm tonight...c'mon."

We trudged across the sand, sneakers sinking with every step. First Beach held a lifetime of good memories for me, from summertime gatherings as a child to bonfires as a teenager. And Edward and I'd spent countless afternoons laying in the sun or watching it set, our conversations ebbing and flowing like the tide a few feet away.

Jake opened the door to my truck and helped me inside. "You gonna be okay to drive?"

"I'm fine," I said hoarsely. Tears had made my throat feel gritty, like it was full of sand.

He frowned. "You sure?"

Nodding, I twisted away and stuck the key in to the ignition. I would be physically fine, as far as navigating the drive home. Emotionally, though, the damage had already been done and every day was a struggle, keeping the pain and worry at bay. Keeping them at levels that wouldn't completely cripple me. I'd had no idea how much Edward meant to my very existence until now.

I clutched at the steering wheel, ignoring Jake's warm brown eyes and his steady breathing. We'd been hanging out a lot, but the news of Edward's parents and his disappearance had thrown me in to a tailspin, leaving me somewhat unavailable for friendship. I felt hollow at best and broken at worst, cried all of the time, and knew I couldn't be a good companion. I felt bad for the people who lived with me, and they were family.

"I'm sorry, Jake," I said, sucking in a deep breath. "I have to go."

_Please. Please Come back._

"I'm here if you need me," he said, covering my hand with his. "I'm serious. I know people say that all the time, but, I mean it. Call me if you need _anything_. Anything."

Tears pooled in my eyes. Blinking them back, I turned my hand over so that we were palm to palm and have him a quick squeeze. "Thanks."

Back at the Inn, the smells of home and dinner stung my nose the second I walked through the door.

For a moment I paused, bracing myself in the doorway, and swallowed back the urge to vomit.

"Bella?" Emily came skidding in to the foyer. She was wearing the striped knee socks I gave her for Christmas. "Where've you been?"

"La Push. At the beach."

She wrinkled her nose, glancing at the soft dark of dusk outside. "Now?"

"Yeah." I ruffled her hair half heartedly and continued on inside, peeling my jacket off.

The kitchen was warm and bright. Sue stood at the oven, sliding what looked like dinner rolls inside, and the table was covered in the maelstrom of Emily's homework.

"Hey," I said, pushing my sleeves up so I could wash my hands. "You need help doing anything?"

Sue smiled gently, nodding. She knew; she always knew. Ever sympathetic, she gave me distance until my need for comfort outweighed my need to be alone and then she came to me, holding me in the way that only a mom can. "You want to help with dessert? Emily's got a cookie recipe she's been asking me to try."

"Sure." I readied a cookie sheet and several basics I knew we'd need from the pantry.

Emily sidled up next to me, thrusting a crinkled paper in to my hands. "Here. I got it from Mrs. Ateara."

My eyes slid over the directions once, twice, three times before tears blurred the words so much that I couldn't even pretend anymore.

_Come back. Come back._

Little arms circled around my middle, larger ones around my shoulders.

"You'll be okay," whispered Sue, her sleek, silky hair soft against my cheek. "We're here, baby. We love you."

* * *

_**so so SO SORRY for the lateness. i did take a week off for Christmas (and because we just moved, rendering me braindead for awhile) but we've been having internet issues here at the house the past 3 days (i know; how very 1998). anyway, hope you all had beautiful holidays, and that you're gearing up for a fab new year.**_

_**lots of love! thanks for messaging, tweeting & reviewing. xoxoxo**_

_**p.s any wonky formatting is compliments of open office, js.**_


	14. All Things Considered

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic, for the late nights and sweet words. you. complete. me._

* * *

"Bella."

My eyes pop open, and for a second, I swear Edward's voice is what pulled me from sleep. A quick look around, though, tells me I'm wrong. Maybe I was dreaming about him again: a genuine dream, not a compulsion driven fantasy. Not that I mind those...

Either way, he's not next to me, but a little folded note is.

_Went hunting with Carlisle and Em. _

_Be back before you wake up, but if not, Esme and Rose are downstairs._

_Love, _

_me_

When I consider our closeness, how every day is – like the much overused adage suggests – the first day of the rest of our lives together, my stomach tightens in anticipation. This is it. What I once hoped for, and cried for when I thought I'd lost it, accepted with cautious joy when I got it back, I now live for every day.

It's the best sort of blessing that I get to keep my best friend and lover as close as this, and that he wants me within arm's reach, too. It's difficult to remember a time when he wasn't part of my life; even the years preceding our meeting feel like they were orchestrated to make _us_ happen.

Like a lazy cat beneath a sunny window, I stretch, pointing my fingers and toes, and yawn. Telling time is tricky here; the light is so honest and bright. A distant shout – a laugh, maybe – from outside piques my curiosity, so I roll out of bed and cross the room to the window there. I draw the drapes and peer out, squinting in the golden morning glare.

Down below, in a lawn so vast it's more field than backyard, the Cullens are running around, playing what appears to be touch football. Rose throws the ball to Esme in a perfect arc, but not before Emmett tackles her, barreling right in to her midsection. I watch as he gentles her to the ground, not getting off of her until she flips him on to his back and jumps off. Unbidden imaginations of their probably rowdy sex life spring to mind, and I shake my head. Another shout grabs my attention: Edward, this time. He makes a point – or something – and starts strutting around, holding the ball high. Giggling, I remember him this way, last summer at First Beach. We'd camped out for the summer solstice with a bunch of our friends, both mine and his. Even Jake and the gang had been there.

My stomach squeezes, remembering, nostalgic, but then my heart soars, seeing Edward right _now_, his happiness here in this place, with these people. These vampires.

No, these _people_. Like yesterday in the airport, I know it all over again, that I love this family. While the thought of ever replacing my own rips through me with pain I'm not ready to face or think about, I know that I have a place here.

But then another player saunters by Edward, smacking his ass and stealing the ball. My smile drops like a ten ton weight. What the hell?

She's tall, blonde, and curvy, and even from way up here I can see that she might even be prettier than Rosalie, whose beauty is hard to surpass. This girl's hair is in a French braid which swings all the way down her back. Like Rose, she's curvy, but she's leggy too. She's got that vampire flawlessness, the kind that probably brings men to their knees. My breath – I'm panicked and pissed – fogs up the glass, and I wipe it impatiently with my sleeve so I can continue watching.

To his credit, Edward doesn't seem to really react to the girl. He jogs over to the guys, and they form a huddle. But to my massive irritation, the girl's _totally_ watching him as she joins the girls for a huddle of their own.

Before, everyone was moving with human speed and agility. Well, human-on-steroid speed and agility. Now the game seems to get serious, and they become blurs, charging, sideswiping, tackling, throwing. It hurts my eyes to watch; I can't keep up. When Blondie tackles Edward, though, and then leans down to whisper in his ear, I see red. She has to know he has a girlfriend, a serious one, and that he brought me here. It's not that I don't trust Edward, because I do, but I can't help but feel affronted by this girl's...touchiness.

Right then Edward glances up at the window. He raises his hand when he sees me, and then stands, tumbling Blondie right off. She looks up, too, but I'm already backing away and closing the curtain. I'm so mad I'm shaking. Is this who he hangs out with when he's here? How can I ever compete with that?

About a minute later Edward walks in to our room, hair as messy and red as unraked autumn leaves, grass stains all over his shorts and shirt. He can't bruise or sweat, but otherwise he looks appropriately roughed up.

He also looks vaguely sheepish.

"You're awake," he says, pulling me in to a hug.

"Yeah." I stiffen at first, automatically, but then hug him back, inhaling his smell.

"Why are you... your heart's beating so hard. What happened?"

I let go of him, shrugging. "Apart from watching some girl cop a feel or two on you, nothing."

Linking his hands behind his head, he stares at the floor. He does this when feels uncomfortable. "Yeah...that's Tanya. She and her sisters have a place a couple of miles away. They live like we do, abstaining from human blood."

"Oh." The fact that Tanya is a vampire, even if she is a vegetarian, hardly deters me from wanting to make it plain to her that Edward is not up for grabs. Literally. Unlike her, I'm only human, and not used to game playing and relationship drama at that. I can't help but feel...territorial. I don't like it.

He peeks up at me.

"Does she want you?" I ask bluntly, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Yes," he replies, just as blunt.

It shouldn't hurt, but it does. I'm no stranger to Edward getting attention, but usually it's in passing. He's obviously well acquainted with _Tanya_.

"Bella," he says, sitting beside me. "I don't care what she wants. It ain't happening."

"But you guys are friends. She obviously has... boundary issues."

"Kinda like Jake," he says, side eyeing me.

"Touche." I sigh. "She knows I'm here, right?"

"Of course she knows you're here."

"So..."

"So Tanya's hundreds and hundreds of years old. Maybe even older. Humans to her are passing fancies." He rolls his eyes. "Her words, not mine. Anyway, she's used to getting what she wants...I don't think the fact I'm not not interested has really even registered."

"Oh really?" I scoff. "Well. I can't wait to meet her, then."

"You aren't mad at me, are you?" asks Edward, grimacing.

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"I don't know. You're looking pretty mad."

"At her. For being a brazen hussy."

He snorts. "You don't even know the half of it."

"What do you mean?"

Turning so that he's facing me, he leans closer. "According to Alice, Tanya _loves_ sex. And men in general. Sex with men in general. Especially human men."

"I bet they love her, too."

"Oh, they do. Alice thinks she's a succubus."

"_What?_"

Edward chuckles, running his hand up and down my leg. I need to shave; I make a note to do that later on in the day. Meanwhile Edward's words bounce around my brain.

"Is she really a succubus?" I whisper.

He shrugs. "I don't know. I avoid looking in to her mind at all costs. Anyway, whatever. She probably only likes me because she can't have me."

"Also because you're really handsome."

"Thanks," he says, giving me a big, cheesy grin.

I shove him. It's like shoving a brick wall. "You know what I mean."

He makes a face. "Yeah, I do. So what? I can't control what other people do, or think about, or want. You trust me, right?"

"Of course I do."

"So then there's no need to feel threatened or whatever. Tanya's actually really nice, if not a little spoiled. You'll see. She'll move on."

"I guess I just hated seeing her all over you like that," I say. "Sorry for freaking out."

"Doesn't matter," he murmurs, pushing me on to my back. "Remember when you told me that you chose me? And to let you choose me?"

I nod.

"Well, I choose you, too."

With his knee shoved between mine and his mouth on my neck, I don't care about anything other than him and me, right here, right now.

By the time we make it downstairs, Esme's made a huge breakfast. This seems normal, until I remember that I'll be the only one eating it. A television mounted up in the corner silently shows a Food Network program. I wonder how long Esme's been cooking.

Gaping at the mouth watering spread, I lower in to a chair at the kitchen table. "Oh...wow. You didn't have to do this, Esme. Thank you."

"I actually love to cook," she assures me, smiling. "There's just never any opportunity to do so. I hope you like french toast?"

"I like everything," I mumble, my stomach growling at all of the sweet and savory smells filling the room.

Of course, the rest of the group enters the kitchen right as I'm stuffing my face. Tanya walks over, smiling beatifically.

"Bella! Finally...we meet. You're practically legendary, Edward talks about you so much," she purrs. "I'm Tanya."

"Hello, Tanya." I manage to swallow my mouthful of food. "Nice to meet you."

"Are you enjoying your stay?"

"I am, yeah." I force a smile, not wanting to seem unpleasant. She seems friendly enough, anyway. "Thanks."

Almost imperceptibly, she frowns. Her eyes snap to Edward, who's sitting next to me, messing with his phone. I glance at him too, right in time to catch an unspoken conversation between the two of them.

"What?" I ask, not bothering to pretend I don't notice.

Just then Rose calls her from the other room. Shaking her head, Tanya smiles like the proverbial cat who caught the canary. "Enjoy your breakfast, Bella. I'll see you soon."

She leaves, the bottom of her flaxen braid tickling the swell of her behind.

That went all right, although it's too bad she's both immortal and a friend of the Cullens. I'll probably have to get used to having her around.

"So... what was that all about? What was she thinking?" I ask, keeping my voice low. Emmett still hears me though, and snorts.

Edward inclines his head toward mine, smirking. "She was thinking...that I'm completely covered in your scent."

* * *

Pretty vamp girls aside, the rest of our visit is uneventful. Edward and I spend a lot of time outside with the rest of the Cullens, hiking and enjoying the natural beauty surrounding their property. Late Saturday afternoon, we head out to one of the wooded areas near the house, just the two of us. There's a little pond there, surrounding by towering trees, yet the sun still shines in.

"It's nice not to have to worry about rain," I remark, closing my eyes against the soft brightness of the setting sun. Even in summer, the nights come on quick and chilly, so I have my hoodie zipped, hands snug inside the front pocket.

"You know how it felt really good to get away from Forks?" Edward asks, skipping a stone across the pond. It dances delicately over the surface of the water before sinking several feet away. "How we could relax a little?"

I nod, tucking my hair behind my ears. Seattle has truly been a blessing, a haven for us while we figure out our next step. Very few people there really know us, and it's been easy to slip by as a couple, undetected.

"It's like that here for me. Times ten. I feel free."

Biting my lip, I lean in to him. "I know. There are no secrets here."

"It's nice to have this, to be this way. It's like how we were before I left."

"I was thinking that very thing yesterday, when you guys were playing football," I chuckle, remembering Edward's gleeful touchdown dancing.

He smiles fondly at me. Our bodies turn naturally toward one another, and we embrace. "I love that about us," he says, kissing my forehead. "We're always on the same page."

I kiss his chin in response.

"I want you to be happy," he says.

"I am happy."

"I don't want you to have to give things up."

"That's not realistic," I say. "For anyone. Regardless of who...or what...they are. I think part of love _is_ sacrifice."

Sighing heavily, he wraps me in his arms.

"You've had to sacrifice so much," I murmur, rubbing my face against the softness of his shirt. "Sometimes I wish I could take that away from you. I wish I could take the hurt away."

"You do," he says. "Every day, you do. And you did before I even knew you would accept me this way. Just...the hope of this kept me going."

We stand that way for a time, swaying as the breeze blows over us. Slowly, daylight fades in to dusk, replacing birdsong with the chatter of crickets. It's beautiful, though, the sky a soft, star speckled lavender.

"Ready to head back?" I ask, shivering a little.

"Yeah, in a minute. There's something I wanted to talk about real quick."

"Oh, okay," I agree, rubbing my hands briskly down my arms. "What's up?"

Laughing nervously, he runs his hand though his hair before suddenly dropping to one knee.

"What?" I gasp. I know what it looks like, but is he crazy? Does he really want this now? For real? I mean I want it, but –

"I know we've talked about it, but I wanted to make it official," he says really quickly, like he's trying not to psych himself out. He opens his fist, revealing a little gold ring. "Will you wear this ring, Bella? Will you marry me?"

There might be a lot of unknowns floating around our life together, but there's never been any doubt in my mind that Edward is it for me. "Yes," I say, nodding furiously.

Beaming, he takes my hand and slides the ring on to my finger before standing up.

"That was so traditional," I giggle, throwing my arms around him. "So you."

"I'm nothing if not predictable," he says, kissing my ear.

"I said traditional, not predictable," I say. "I was _not_ expecting that."

"But it's okay?"

It amazes me that this perfect boy even has the capacity for doubt, but I guess that's what makes him real.

"More than okay. I love you."

"It would've been perfect if I could have asked your father for his blessing," he says softly, running his thumb over the little diamond on my ring. "I wish...I wish I could have done that."

My heart squeezes in my chest. "You never know; Charlie might've busted your chops," I tease, trying to lighten the conversation.

"True." He laughs and starts to take my hand, but I playfully yank it back, leaping away. "Gotta catch me first!" I cry, knowing he can and he will. He lets me sprint ahead, strolling along momentarily before flashing forward and tackling me to the ground. Squealing, I twist so that we're face to face.

He gazes hungrily down at me, his darkened eyes reminding me of the way he looks when he wants sex...or blood.

My heart, already racing from my little run, accelerates. "You okay?"

He nods slowly, lowering down and skimming his nose along my throat.

Hesitantly, I slide my hands around his neck, sighing when his hair tickles across my face.

After a while he backs up and looks at me. "The chase gets me going. It's not something I can control." He swallows, closing his eyes and opening them. "You probably shouldn't run from me...you know. Until you've been changed."

For a split second I think he's toying with me, but the quiet seriousness in his voice and gaze nixes that notion pretty quickly.

Chastened, I nod. "Okay."

"Sorry." A whisper, and a kiss. He rolls off of me and helps me to my feet.

"Don't be," I say, taking his hand. "It is what it is."

"And what we are is engaged," he says, holding our hands up to look at mine.

By the time our eyes meet again, his have lightened.

The mood in the house is happy and lighthearted when Edward and I come back from our walk. Apparently the rest of the family knew he was going to ask me, so we were met with hugs and high fives upon returning.

I just wish Alice and Jasper could've been here to celebrate, although Alice probably watched the whole thing – along with several variations of how it could've gone down. I seriously doubt any of those other scenarios involved me saying no, though.

Sometime after dinner, which I eat while Edward and Emmett play Words With Friends –with each other, side by side – I dawdle outside Carlisle's study, trying to work up the courage to approach him. I've been wanting to speak with him one on one, but something always comes up. He's alone now, though, doing paperwork or something.

He looks up as I raise my hand to knock, and I have to smile. Of course he knows I'm here; he probably heard –and smelled – the second I started down the hallway.

"Bella," he says, grinning as he puts his pen down. It's amazing. He has the same pale skin and golden eyes as the others, but he seems the most human. "Everything okay?"

"It's great," I say, jamming my hands in to my pockets. "I was uh...hoping I could talk to you."

"Of course; come on in."

I enter the room, looking around at the framed photographs and paintings as I sit. My first day here, Edward gave me the grand tour, giving me abbreviated versions of stories behind all of them. It's fascinating to see Carlisle throughout the ages. His clothing and the way he combs hair has changed with the decades, but his face never does.

He smiles gently at me, probably waiting for me to start.

"So..." I wipe my palms on my jeans. "Edward and I have talked a lot about the possibility of me becoming like him...and like you... and I just, I wanted to talk to you first. I need to understand what I'd be getting myself in to. Because I love Edward, and I'd do anything for him, but this is..."

"It's a big deal," he finishes, his expression grave. "A decision not to be taken lightly. Frankly, and Edward will tell you this, I'm not too thrilled with the idea of him taking your life. Every member of this family was changed because they were on the brink of death." He wrings his hands, averting his eyes. It's an interesting shift; he usually strikes me as self assured and confident. Right now, though, he looks troubled. "You have a long life ahead of you."

"I probably do," I say. "Although really, nothing is guaranteed."

"No, that's true," he mutters. "God knows that's true."

"I've thought about this, Carlisle. It's what I want. Maybe not tomorrow, but within the next few years. Edward's my other half." I rest my hand over my heart, knowing it beats for him. "I know it. I've always known it, and now we're engaged. I just can't see any other option."

He sighs, and then smiles faintly, his eyes taking on a faraway look. "Edward really loves you, Bella. When he was...dying...he spoke your name several times. I think he had letters for you, things he'd meant to send but never got the chance to." He frowns. "I don't know what happened to that stuff...I guess it got misplaced in the chaos of our last days in Brazil."

I try to swallow the lump in my throat at the thought of Edward dying, the vulnerable, breakable, human Edward I knew last summer. Imagining it makes my chest hurt, and I breathe as deeply as I can to stave off tears.

"Why'd you save him?" I ask. "I mean...you see people die all the time in your profession."

"His mother asked me to," he says, leaning back in his chair and gazing out the window. "I've been friends with the Masens for years. We'd been on several medical trips together." He shrugs. "They never asked, obviously, what I was, but I often got the impression that Elizabeth sensed something. She always was perceptive, though. Had little trouble understanding and accepting what others needed science to prove to them."

"And she was never afraid of you," I noted.

"No. We were friends, the three of us. They never got to meet Esme, because our time together was strictly about work, but they wanted to. In fact, we'd finally planned to one day..." Pain flashes across his face, and he shakes his head. "Anyway, once Elizabeth knew that the malaria had hit a critical point, she asked me to save Edward in any way I could, by any means necessary. I promised her I would. We both knew what was being said."

"I'm so glad you did." Tears leak from the corners of my eyes. "My life would be so different right now had you not."

A hand on my shoulder startles me from the odd mixture of grief and relief I find myself in. Edward slides in to the seat beside me, looking from Carlisle to me and back. "I was wondering where you'd wandered off to."

I know he heard our conversation. I'm sure everyone heard it. Still, I appreciate that he gave me a little time before coming in. It can't be easy for him to hear Carlisle relive his parent's passing. I know he does it in his own head as it is, and that these memories tear him up sometimes.

"Just wanted to chat with Carlisle," I say. "You've always told me so much about him, and there were things I needed his opinion on."

"You talk about me, eh?" Carlisle grins. "So you _do_ miss me when you're gone."

Edward scoffs, casually clasping our hands. "Of course I do. I miss all of you."

"Bella and I were discussing your change...and the possibility of hers," says Carlisle, resting his chin in his hands.

"Possibility?" Edward echoes, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles.

"More than a possibility," I amend, biting my lip.

"There's a lot to be considered," Carlisle says. "And we've got plenty of time to think it through. But if we do this, if _you_ do it, Edward –because it will be your venom and no one else's –then you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that life will be different. For all of us. We'd probably move again."

My heart sinks. The last thing I want to do is uproot the life they have here. "I... I don't want you to have to leave," I mumble.

"It's all right," Carlisle says. "We have several properties across the states and in Europe. We tend to move every few years anyway...but still. A lot goes in to things like this –especially since you have a family and a life right now. This is unchartered territory for us."

Although Edward and I have talked a lot about this, and I've thought constantly about it, hearing Carlisle dissect the details gives it new perspective.

Edward squeezes my hand, standing. "We have time."

"Yes, we do," Carlisle agrees, also standing. "Let's not rush it."

* * *

On Monday morning, Edward walks me downstairs. After our weekend in Throne Bay, neither of us want to be apart from the other, but I have class. It's a gloomy, rainy day, though, perfect for Edward. He's going over to Jasper and Alice's, and later on, the four of us have plans to celebrate the engagement.

Edward gazes down at me, his eyes twinkling with joy and secrets. "Have fun today."

"Oh, I will," I say, rolling my eyes. "Like I'll even be able to concentrate."

"You have to concentrate," he admonishes. "Be cool, stay in school."

We've been like this all morning, corny and giddy and utterly infatuated with each other.

I kiss his nose, he kisses mine, and then our lips meet. Someone walking by whistles, and I break away, blushing. "I have to go, Romeo."

"Romeo was a sap," he teases. "I'm way better."

I yank on his belt loop. "Oh yeah? You'll have to—"

In seconds, his smile is gone, and in its place, a scowl. He scans the street, holding me close, and then tucking me behind his body.

"Edward?"

"Shit."

"What?" I whisper, looking around him.

Across the street, his face morphing from shock to confusion and finally anger, stands Jacob Black.

* * *

_Valentine's Day, last February_

Leah had been gone awhile now. I wondered what she was doing, if she and Sam were doing anything special to celebrate the day. February fourteenth had never meant much to me. When I was a kid, Renee and I would have horror movies marathons on Valentine's, a sort of anti-romance statement. Even when she got remarried, we kept the tradition alive, initiating Phil in to it.

This year I had someone, though. I had him and I lost him, and now, like always, I was spending this day alone.

There was no movie marathon on my agenda, however. Jake had tried to get me to go somewhere with him, but even that felt wrong. Instead I stood at the edge of the river where I'd once swam with Edward, watching silently as leaves and twigs from a recent storm floated past. The bright green water only reminded me of his eyes, as did the trees, and the grass, and damn near everything else.

Sometimes, when I felt really stifled, bored and desperate at the Inn, I walked. Walked through the woods. Once, lost in my thoughts, I walked for so long I ended up at the edge of the Masen's property. It was almost as if my brain had defaulted to that location, leading me there subconsciously. Realizing how easy it had been to do, I started hiking there every day, absorbing myself into the forest for hours at a time. It became this thing I did, an almost-obsession, a way of being close and connected to Edward.

I probably would've gone swimming, but the leftover chill of spring still lingered. Kneeling at the bank, I stuck my hand in to the rushing water, numbing my fingers. I didn't think it would ever be as hot as it had been during the summer when Edward and I had swam there.

Yawning, I leaned back until I was laying flat on the damp grass. Thoughts of my mother and Phil, Charlie and Sue, Leah and Sam, all blurred through my brain, content couples who got to be together today. Staring up at the silver coin of a sky, I watched for clouds and signs, but there were none; just grey with the promise of more grey.

At some point my lack of sleep must have caught up with me because I found myself waking up, and you can't wake up without falling asleep first. A soft, mist-like rain had started falling, slicking my arms and legs with condensation while I was sleeping. Cursing lowly at the late hour, I grabbed my keys and jumped up, wanting to get back to the Inn before the rain got any worse.

It wasn't until I was halfway back to the Inn, deep in the woods, when the silence became so jarring that I stopped abruptly.

I turned in a full circle, scanning the trees and bushes. Besides the rain, things were hushed and still.

Normally, on any given day, the woods were teeming with life: red squirrels, chipmunks, rabbits, mourning doves cooing occasionally from the trees.

The quiet creeped me out, but I kept going, now even more determined to get home.

Getting wetter and wetter, I jogged the last couple of minutes, relieved when Charlie's shed came in to view, marking the edge of our property. The rain let loose, and I sped up, bursting out of the tree line like I was being chased.

The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, standing up the way they did when I felt like I was being watched.

But that was just crazy.

* * *

Jake released me from our epically long hug, kissing my cheek as he pulled away. I ruffled his hair in response and took a step toward the porch.

"I better head home," he said, backing toward his car.

"Drive safely," I said.

He slid in to the driver's seat.

"Glad you came out, Bells," he called, grinning. He'd taken to calling me that lately. I kind of liked it. It was my father's nickname for me, and it made me feel safe, secure.

"Me too," I said, folding my arms. "Felt good to hang out."

Not deterred by my constant rejections, Jake had finally gotten me to go to a movie in Port Angeles. We'd gone for ice cream afterward, and while the pulse of pain in my heart was never truly gone, things felt a little brighter when I was around Jake. He made me smile.

And yeah, I'd suspected on and off for awhile that his feelings had evolved in to something else, but I had no doubt they'd abate once again. Jake and I were firmly entrenched in the friend zone. We'd been good to each other over the years, good as the closest of friends. Nothing more.

My little episode in the woods had shaken me. In a way, I was beginning to feel like my emotions were so compromised that they were making me feel and sense things that weren't there. I wondered how far a person could go inside their own head if grief was constantly knocking at the door, threatening to come in. Jake's persistence in getting me to come out and relax with him and his friends, or sometimes just him, seemed to be paying off. It felt good to be with other people, especially ones my own age.

"I'll give you a call in the morning. Charlie's supposed to go fishing with my dad," Jake said, starting the car.

I nodded. "Okay."

Waving once more before disappearing in to the dark, he drove away,

Inside, Charlie and Sue were just finishing up a movie of their own.

"How'd it go?" Sue asked.

Shrugging, I toed my sneakers off. "Fine. We got ice cream afterward."

She smiled. That wasn't quite what she'd been asking, but it was okay. The point was that I was attempting to live my life, no matter how stuck and sad I felt inside.

"I'm going to bed," I said, before I could get roped in to late night TV with the parentals. They looked rather cozy, anyway, and I didn't want to intrude on that.

Exhausted, I changed into pajamas and checked my email before climbing in to bed. Nothing new. No emails. No letters or postcards; I'd checked the mailbox earlier before leaving with Jake.

I felt like I was living at the very edge of things. The forgotten, the end of the earth.

I fell in to a deep sleep quickly, entering almost immediately in to dreams. Long, meandering dreams, nonsensical non-sequiturs. Love, laughter, and goosebumps. Cold caresses so glacial I registered them in my sleep, recognizing somehow that the chill transcended my REM state.

_Bella_

_i'm here_

_and I miss you_

* * *

_between rowdy, teething babies, flat tires, and drunken relatives, i had quite a time getting this posted. sorry it's so late. i think friday might end up being my posting date...only because now that i'm thrown off of wednesday i can't catch up and it's too hard to try. but that's okay._

_reviews are love._

_thanks for the love! i love you back. *hugs & snugs*_


	15. Choice

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to nic, who's sweeter than ben n' jerry. (can i rhyme? well you know i gets mine)_

* * *

My heart plummets.

For a second, everything else fades away, as if the world has shrunk down to this pregnant pause between Jake, Edward and me. Even from across the busy street, I can see tiny tremors rippling through Jake's body, and I know it's taking all of his effort not to phase from adrenaline or anger.

...Or the proximity of a vampire.

Edward, however, is statue still, not even breathing. I pant soundlessly behind him, my eyes flickering between his face and Jake's.

And then things explode.

Jake charges across the street, ignoring the oncoming cars like the pigheaded idiot he can be. Edward promptly presses me back against my building before shooting ahead to meet Jake at the curb. It all happens so quickly that I hardly have time to register their movement until they're facing off.

"Jake," I gasp, trying to wedge myself between the two of them. "What're you doing here?"

"What am I doing here?" he repeats, not taking his eyes from Edward. "What am _I_ doing here? Are you kidding me right now, Bella?" His voice begins to rise. "What is _he _doing here? He's a...He—"

"Is none of your business," Edward says, the quiet calm in his voice belying the stiffness in his body. Once again, he tries to shift me away, but I stand firm. The last thing I need is for these two to go at it completely unbuffered. The situation is bad enough as it is.

"None of my business?" scoffs Jake. "Bella will always be my business; she's like family to me. And you? You're supposed to be missing. Or dead. People are mourning you, _Edward_."

His words hit their intended target, and Edward flinches. I grab his hand and look up at Jake, who towers above me at full height. Very gently, I put my other hand on his chest and push him away while I step back, forcing a space between the three of us.

Finally looking down at me, Jake shakes his head. "If I wasn't seeing this with my own eyes, I'd never believe it...how long has this been going on, Bells? How long've you been lying?"

My face warms, and tears immediately begin burning their way down my cheeks. "It wasn't my secret to tell," I whisper, the guilt coming to a painful head inside. Edward wraps an arm protectively around me, my back to his chest.

"And you know what he is? How can you be with him? It's not right," Jake insists, looking horrified. "What –"

"Of course I know," I interrupt, wiping my face. "Why are you here? Is everything okay at home?"

"Of course it's okay," Jakes says, and I can see that he's still putting a lot of effort in to staying calm. "I came because we haven't hung out in months...you haven't been home in forever. I had things I wanted to tell you."

I know he's talking about imprinting on Vanessa, and I'm instantly remorseful that the paths our lives have taken head away from one another this much. Before, I would have been one of the first people to know his good news. Now we feel like strangers.

"You could've called," I say, knowing how weak I sound.

"Sorry, I wanted to surprise you." He sneers at Edward, who has remained silent through our conversation. "Didn't know you were out here consorting with the undead."

"Ugh, shut up," I groan.

"Listen, Bells –"

"No, you listen," Edward growls, pulling me from the middle. "None of this has anything to do with you. You have _no idea_ what's going on; you couldn't possibly know the hell I've been through, so save your self-righteous bullshit for someone who cares."

Jake opens his mouth to speak, but Edward continues, his voice dropping ominously.

"I came back to Bella because I love her, and because she's all I've got left. She might be like family to you, but she _is_ my family." He grabs my left hand and shoves it in Jake's face, letting the glint of gold on my ring finger speak for itself. "And you know damn well why my return has been kept a secret. Maybe if I was...like I was before, I could have waltzed back in to Forks and moved on but I'm obviously not. My world operates just like yours does, _dog._ If you want your tribe's secret to stay quiet, then I suggest you keep your mouth shut."

Jake scowls. "You threatening me, leech?"

The testosterone in the air is wildly out of hand. I'm about to say something, say _anything, _to put an end to the posturing, when a soft, timid voice calls my name.

I whip around, heart skipping like a stone. Kate, a girl from my floor, is standing at the door of our building, holding her bag to her chest. "Is everything okay?

"I'm fine, Kate. It's okay," I say, trying to keep my voice steady. "Thanks."

She shifts hesitantly, glancing at the boys. If they can even be called that. "You sure?"

Nodding, I force a smile.

Hoisting her backpack over a shoulder, she walks down the sidewalk, glancing back just once.

I turn back toward the guys, breathing deeply to clear my head and calm the thrumming in my chest. Edward seems impassive, but Jake at least has the decency to look apologetic.

"Jake, you're going to have to either leave or meet me later," I say, checking my phone for the time. If I don't run, I'll most likely be late for my first class. Not the way I planned on kicking off fall semester.

"He's not meeting you later," Edward says, eyes never leaving Jake.

"You don't really have a say in this," I say with a sigh, turning to him. "Please. I have to do damage control."

"I'm right here, you know," Jakes spits. "And I'm not going anywhere."

"Fine. Then drive me to class."

"What?" Edward cries, grabbing my elbow. "Bella..."

"It's okay," I promise him. "I need to talk to him...alone."

"He's volatile."

"He won't hurt me."

"Yeah, like he didn't force you to kiss him and he didn't crash through your window, cutting you up –"

"I knew it," roars Jake. "I knew you were in her room that night, you son of a bitch!" He's seething now, skin the color of pomegranate, eyes narrowed in fury.

I yank him in to the foyer of my building, away from onlookers.

"They told me I was seeing things, Bella!" Jake says, hurt plain in his eyes. "You know they acted like I was nuts, like my feelings for you were clouding my judgment..."

Edward smiles sardonically. "Weren't they, though?"

I give him a warning glance before squeezing Jake's arm, silently pleading with him not to explode again, bringing his focus back to me. "I'm sorry." And I am. I never meant for Jake's sanity to be questioned, or for his standing with the tribe to be affected. Looking back, I don't know what I could have done differently. I had to protect Edward. No answer seemed like the right one, just the _best_ one. "I know you were just looking out for me –"

"But instead you ended up in the hospital," Edward says.

"Like you're such a safe bet," Jake retorts, disgusted.

"Okay!" I shriek, over this confrontation. "Jake, just get in the car. We can talk on the way to campus." Once he turns to go I grab Edward's face, forcing him to look at me. "Relax, okay? I'll be fine. I've known Jake my entire life, and...I know you don't know him like I do, but I promise you, he's safe. I have my phone on me, and I'll call you as soon as I get out of class."

He gazes sadly down at me, running his fingers through my hair. Usually this sends tingles down my spine, but right now it's making me want to cry. Our bubble has popped. It was inevitable, but still.

And because Edward is my heart, he knows. "We knew this was coming."

Closing my eyes, I lean in to him. "Our summers are perfect. Why do they always have to end?"

"They won't always have to."

I lean back, meeting his eyes. "I should still go to class, right? I mean, it's the right thing to do."

He nods, his cold hands cradling my face.

"You'll be okay while I'm gone?"

"I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Bella," he whispers, exasperated. "Go."

"Go to Jasper and Alice."

"I will."

"I love you," I whisper, kissing him softly.

Sliding his fingers in to my hair, he yanks me closer and kisses back, deeply, his tongue filling my mouth. I feel it everywhere, and then I just feel lightheaded. He breaks away, still holding my body close. "I love you."

It's not until he pulls away that I see Jake, who never got in to the car. Now knowing Edward's kiss was as much for Jake's benefit as it is for ours, I roll my eyes. "He's over me, you know. You don't have to mark your territory."

He shrugs, backing off with a lazy grin. "Maybe I just like kissing you."

By the time I make it across the street, Jake's inside the car, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. The air conditioning is on high, which makes sense in the late August heat. Still, I'm about to ask him to turn it down a little when I notice he's sweating. After the confrontation with Edward and me, his temperature probably skyrocketed.

Mixed emotions bubble within me like unstable chemicals: a summer's worth of guilt due to the secrets I've been keeping...worry that someone would find out...fear of being transformed...the anguish of knowing I'll probably have to leave my family forever. I'm completely overwhelmed, and having Jake show up the way he did this morning is like the cherry on my crap sundae.

I turn to him, ready to unload my frustrations, when I see the ring _he _wears on _his _left hand. This was probably why he came to Seattle today, to talk to me about his imprint. My irritation sputters and dies, leaving me emotionally exhausted.

Maybe I've been selfish, thinking only of myself.

"Tell me about her," I say, picking at the strap on my backpack.

"Huh?"

I tap his ring gently, prompting him to smile a little. He drives along for a moment, maybe thinking of the best way to describe her. "She – her name's Vanessa, but we call her Nessie."

"Nessie? Isn't that like –"

"Yeah, yeah. The Loch Ness monster," he huffs. "I should clarify – I don't really call her that. It's more like Ness."

"Kinda like you call me Bells."

"Exactly," he says, sounding pleased.

"Turn at this light."

He nods, getting in to the appropriate lane.

"What else?"

"She's beautiful. I mean, the first time I saw her, it was like...everything connecting me to this world disappeared. She was _it. _Sunset, sunrise, falling stars, slow motion shit." He grins dopily, obviously seeing Vanessa in his mind's eye. "I...I finally got what Leah and Sam were talking about." He glances guiltily at me. "And why they always knew that I hadn't imprinted on you."

Shrugging, I look away. "You had nothing to go by, you know?"

"Yeah...but I'm sorry I freaked you out all those times."

"I'm glad you're sorry," I tease, poking his thigh. "It's cool, though. Thanks."

"I want you to meet her," he says.

"I will. Maybe Thanksgiving."

"Thanksgiving?" he says, making a face. "That's in November."

"It generally is," I laugh. "But I won't have a break from classes till then. Pull up to that building right there."

He parks, turning to me.

"How long's he been back?"

"Since the end of spring."

"And you've known this whole time?"

"Pretty much."

"Is that why you moved out here so suddenly? Why you're staying? Because of him?"

Blushing, I eye him. "What is this, twenty questions? What do you want me to do?" I ask.

"I just wanna know what's going on, Bells," he says.

"We're still trying to figure things out..."

"You do realize that things will never really work out, right? Edward is not who he was when he left last year."

"How would you know?" I ask, doing my best not to become defensive. It's difficult, though. Everything in me wants to protect not just Edward, but the decisions we've made since he returned.

"Because I changed when I started shifting, and his kind is way more insane than mine. You're lucky to be alive."

"Jake..."

"Look, he obviously cares about you or whatever. I'm just saying to be careful."

Sensing he wants to drop the topic awhile, I sit with him in awkward silence, watching the sea of students swarm around us.

"So...I have a confession to make," I say.

"Oh, another one?" He smirks.

Scowling, I unbuckle my seatbelt. "Don't be a dick."

Reaching across the console, he grabs my arm. "Sorry, sorry."

"Whatever."

"What's your confession?" he asks.

"I already knew about you and Vanessa. Angela and my father both told me."

"Oh." He seems a bit disappointed, as I knew he'd be. But I don't want to hide things or pretend anymore. For me it starts now, this era of personal honesty. White lies and lies of omission are still lies. "It's...you know. Forks gossip."

"I know."

"I'm glad you told me, though. You seem over-the-moon in love."

"Well...yeah. She's everything."

His words hit hard, because I can relate. "I know."

"I..." He sighs deeply, like it hurts to say what he's about to say. "I know you know. I don't like that you know because of _him,_ but..."

When I look up at him, it's through a sudden blur of tears. "I love him, Jake. I really, really love him. He's _my_ imprint, you know? Before any of this happened, before he even went to Brazil, I knew he was it for me. It's just gotten way more intense since he came back."

He eyes me carefully, his eyes searching mine.

"You know how you feel for Vanessa? How'd you do, or be, anything for her? Because you know that you could never go back to life without her?"

Looking at his lap, he nods.

"Then you know how I feel for him."

My phone vibrates, alerting me to a text. I glance down, noticing Edward's "are you okay" message along with the time.

"I have to go to class, but we can talk more when I get out," I offer.

He shakes his head. "I think I'm just gonna head out.

Frowning, I sag in my seat. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I really just came to visit you. I had grand plans of grabbing lunch and chillin'. Guess I should've called first."

"Probably," I agree, wishing life was only that simple. Oh, how I sometimes longed for simpler days.

"You know this is going to get out, don't you?"

"Promise me you won't say anything, Jacob! Promise me." I take his hand and squeeze it as hard as I can, trying to communicate how important this is.

Squeezing back, he shakes his head, almost sadly. "I can't make that promise, Bella."

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because they already know now. They—"

"What, did you call Sam or something?" I know I'm getting slightly hysterical, but things are moving much too quickly. I need time to catch up, to game plan.

"No, I didn't have to. Those of us that have phased, that can shape shift...we communicate mentally, through words and pictures."

Letting go of Jake's hands, I lean away. "What?"

"It's how we stay close, how we stay safe and accountable to each other. To Sam."

"Sam's your leader?"

"Our Alpha."

My mind races as I try to absorb what he's telling me. I remember all of the times Jake deferred to Sam. I'd always thought it was because Sam was like an older brother, but now I realize the dynamic is much more structured, official.

I also recall how scary Sam was when he got angry.

"So...when you saw me and Edward just now, they all saw, too?"

"Yes."

"Damn it!" I cry, smacking the dashboard with my palm. I'm torn between the need to stay on track with my "normal" life – attend first day classes, get textbooks, meet the rest of my new housemates— and deal with this mess. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Jake says. "I could go back and try to smooth things over a little, but Bella...you need to understand that what you're doing right now is wrong. It's against the rules."

I stare indignantly back at him. "Whose rules?"

"Everyone's rules. Ours, theirs... you aren't even supposed to know they exist!" he says. "Do you really think it's okay for him to...to date you or whatever the two of you do? It's unnatural." He shudders, either with disgust or the need to shift; I can't tell. "You could get killed."

"Edward wouldn't –"

"He could," Jake shoots back. "And even if he doesn't, he's the least of your worries. They have guardians, people whose job it is to keep their way of life quiet, regardless of the cost."

I freeze. "What are you talking about?

"Oh, Edward didn't tell you?" he asks sarcastically. "Maybe you should ask him."

"I don't know what's worse," I whisper, opening the door. "Your tribe or...his."

"I'm on your side," Jake says as I climb out. "I've always been on your side, and I'll do what I can to keep you safe. But there are things that are out of my control. And Edward? That kid's on his own."

We stare at each other for a minute before I shut the door, hot and cold flashing through my veins. I've got no idea what's going on. There's obviously more to Edward's situation than I realized. Jake pulls swiftly away from the curb and is gone in seconds, whether to get away from me or to get back to his tribe, I really don't know. Maybe he just needs Vanessa. God knows I'd rather be in Edward's arms right about now. On cue, my phone vibrates, and even without looking I know who it is. We're just connected that way.

_Everything okay?_

Steadying trembly fingers, I send a text back.

_not really. but it will be._

* * *

Any hopes I had for sailing through my first couple of classes are dashed once I realize that my professors seem bent on avoiding first week slacking. Right away, we're submerged in detailed syllabi, lists of additional reading materials, and due dates. Most of my classmates are way more blindsided than me, struggling to jot reminders down as we're given papers and printouts and instructions. It's looking like my summer semester prepared me better than I'd ever anticipated; despite the morning's events, I'm already in a classroom state of mind.

I keep an eye on my phone in case Edward, Jake or even Leah texts or tries to call, but it remains suspiciously silent. By the time I get out, heavy grey clouds hover fatly in the sky, threatening to fill the already humid air with rain. A couple of students ride by me on bikes, and for a second I wish I was one of them. My truck has always been a reliable mode of transport, but now I live just close enough to campus that driving feels lazy.

On the other hand, it's a long walk, but it's what I have to do, seeing as Jake dropped me off and left me without a ride.

Rain starts to drizzle down, making me even more anxious to get home. I'm just about to call Edward when my phone bursts to life, Alice's name appearing on the screen.

"Hey," I answer, striding briskly down the sidewalk.

"Bella," she says. "Are you going home now?"

"I am. What are you up to? Have you spoken to Edward today? Did he tell you?" I ask. "You probably saw, didn't you?"

"Well...yes and no."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean...I saw bits and pieces... mostly through your eyes and his, I guess. I had no idea Jake was coming."

This is nothing less than shocking, and a bit concerning as well. Since we've been acquainted, Alice's visions haven't faltered once."Really?"

"Yeah. I don't know if something's wrong or if maybe I just can't see the wolves. I was talking about it with Jasper a little while ago and there have been a couple of times, back when Edward was with you in Forks, when I couldn't see things that were happening. All of them involved Jacob or Leah."

"Huh." It's odd, but what about my life isn't?

"Anyway, I was calling to tell you not to freak out," she says.

"A little late for that," I inform her, picking up the pace so that I can cross the street before the light turns. "All I can think about is Jake's face...and the stuff he said...which reminds me. He said something about vampire guardians?" I laugh breathlessly, waiting for her to dismiss the idea.

But she doesn't. "The Volturi."

"...all right. Who're they?"

Alice pauses, and I think I hear Jasper in the background.

"Alice?"

"I'm here, Bella, hold on," she says, her voice dreamy and far off. I wonder if she might be having one of her visions right now.

I cross over to my block and hurry to our dorm as the wind picks up, sending my hair flying in to a tangle.

"I'm coming to get you, okay?" Alice murmurs eventually.

"I'll be fine, Al, you don't have to." Shaking my head, I wrestle the house keys from my backpack and slide them in to my bedroom door. "I have Edward, and –"

But I don't. Even without going any further in, I can see that the suite is empty.

"He left to take care of a few things," Alice says, as if she's right beside me.

Panic prickles over my skin. Swallowing hard, I step inside and kick shut the door, feeling betrayed that I am obviously the last to know of Edward's plans when I should be the first.

"Hey," says Alice.

"Like, left town?"

"Yes."

"I'm going to go pack a bag."

"Bella."

My finger's already on disconnect. "What?"

"Just...sit tight. I'll explain everything when I get there."

Her words don't calm me; they do the opposite and I'm consumed with the need to know where Edward is and to do whatever I can to get to him. I don't know how quickly Alice's visions work or how deep they go, but I'm wondering how successful I would be if I decided to leave right now. The only place I can really see him "taking care of a few things" would be Forks, dealing with Jake and the tribe head on. I hope he called Carlisle. I wish he'd called _me_, so that I knew what to do. Did he really expect me to just sit around and wait?

I throw a couple of necessities in to a bag, grab my keys, and head out. The rain is coming down in buckets now, and it drenches me the second I step outside. I hurry to my truck and jump inside, glad I had the foresight yesterday to fill the tank.

Alice calls.

She sighs. "What are you doing, Bella?"

"Going back to Forks. He's there, isn't he? I don't want him in Forks alone...I don't understand why he didn't tell me..." I'm rambling, expecting her to try and argue me out of it, but she doesn't.

"Okay."

"Okay?" I echo, surprised.

"Yeah, just...let me come with you."

"No offense, but for what?" I ask. "Is...is something bad going to happen? Are you—"

"Relax, Bella. I'm just coming for the ride."

Somehow I doubt that's the case, but she's already hung up, leaving me just as frustrated as I was before.

Half an hour later we're on the road in Alice's bright yellow Porsche. I think it's a little redundant to have a sports car like this in a color so loud, but there's no denying that it's a fine machine. And, okay, way faster than ol' faithful, my beloved red rust bucket back at the dorms.

I bring Alice up to date on the details of the morning's events. Though she saw parts of it, she couldn't see or hear much of Jake.

"I was wondering why Edward charged off like that," she says, glancing over at me.

I've learned not to freak out when she takes her eyes off the road, even at ninety miles per hour. Vampire reflexes are pretty perfect.

"I still can't believe he went to Forks, though," I say. "I know it's his home, too...or, _was_ his home...but what could he possibly accomplish there by himself?"

Alice shakes her head. "I'm not sure, but I think it involves Charlie."

"My Dad?"

She nods.

"But he always said he'd never be able to see my father again because he didn't want to have to have to explain himself, or something."

Alice shrugs. "I don't know. Edward's the mind reader, not me."

"Well, what are they doing right now?"

She pulls off the road, throwing the car in to park before dazing out. Moments later, we're back to flying down the highway. "Looks like they're at a little police station or something."

"Yeah, Charlie volunteers there sometimes. I'm surprised he's there now, though. Usually this time of year is busy at the Inn."

"Guess we'll see," Alice says, turning the radio on.

"Wait," I say, turning it back off. "I wanted to ask you about what Jake said."

"About the Volturi?"

"Yeah."

"Not much to tell," she says. "They're older than dirt, live in Italy, and see themselves as some sort of vampire royalty." She scoffs. "Carlisle knows them."

"He _knows_ them?" I gape at her.

"He spent time with them way back. You should talk to him if you have questions...I try to avoid thinking about them. They creep me out."

"Why?"

"Because," Alice says, shrugging. "They have really archaic ways of doing things...they're violent. They don't live like we do; in fact, they find Carlisle's coven unnatural. They put up with us and our vegetarian lifestyle only because we're big enough to be a threat to them. Most vampires live alone or in groups of twos or threes. We're the only ones who choose to live as a family." She nods at me. "When we're not babysitting Edward's girlfriend, anyway."

"Shut up," I laugh.

"Jake was right about one thing though: you really aren't supposed to know about us. They have a lot going on, so there's no reason to believe they'd mess with us, but I guess technically it's a possibility."

"That...sucks."

"Don't even worry about it. It's a non-issue right now." She puts on the radio and taps the gas, propelling us forward even faster.

Settling back in to my seat, I stare at the blur of scenery and try to relax.

* * *

"Yup, he was here about n' hour ago. Gone now though." My father's old time friend and associate, Mark, shuffles paperwork around as he speaks. "Was he expecting you, Bella?"

"No, no. I just...thought I'd surprise him."

"Oh. Well, I think he went home. You wanna use the phone?"

"No, that's okay; I have my cell," I say, smiling as I hold up my phone. "Thanks though."

"Not a problem," he says, smiling back. "You take care, now."

"I will. Bye, Mark."

I walk back outside, to where the yellow Porsche is making quite a spectacle of itself. Alice herself is still inside, politely answering the group of guys firing questions at her about horse power and God knows what else. I slip back inside, buckling my seatbelt. "I think he's already at home."

After living in the city, I'm struck by how tiny Forks is. Nothing changes here, which is both comforting and stifling, depending on my mood. Even now, I swear I recognize some of the cars parked outside the diner. I wonder if Leah's working. She was supposed to come back to UW this semester, but we haven't spoken in ages. I don't know what her plans are anymore.

Thinking of her, my heart pangs. She must know about Edward by now, too. She was always so protective over me, and I shudder thinking about what she'll say when we finally talk.

I don't know what I was expecting, but it sure as hell wasn't seeing Edward's car parked in the driveway. Jake's nowhere to be found, and I wonder if he knows Edward's here. None of the wolves were ever able to sense Edward by his scent. Alice has barely put the car in park when I'm out the door, jogging over the gravel and up the stairs. Sounds of laughter and conversation drift through the open windows, and for a second I pause, listening. Then I throw open the front door, prepared to explain, to grovel, to apologize. I'm apprehensive, but also so relieved. Finally, _finally_ I can be honest about the existence of my current relationship with Edward.

Charlie startles at my abrupt arrival, going from happy to shocked in seconds, but Edward just stands slowly, as if he's not at all surprised I'm here. Alice appears next to me, giving a short wave.

I open my mouth to speak, but, looking almost frighteningly determined, Edward beats me to it.

"Charlie, I realize that I've gone about this out of order. Traditionally, I should have asked you first. I mean no disrespect, but since Bella has already said yes and I don't want to diminish her choice in the matter, instead of asking you for her hand, I'm asking for your blessing. We're getting married, Charlie. I love her more than anything in the world, more than my own life, and – by some miracle – she loves me that way, too. Will you give us your blessing?"

I don't know who's more surprised, me or my Dad.

* * *

_Last March_

The woods seemed full of dangerous secrets, and no matter how kooky and illogical it sounded, I often felt like I was being watched. Thing was, I didn't know if it was human or animal. I didn't know which was worse. Technically, it could have been a family of deer or something, but something, a sixth sense perhaps, let me know that wasn't the case.

All of that stayed safely in my head, though. I didn't email Renee about it, or tell Charlie in the mornings when we were working side by side, painting or doing whatever fixing up needed to be done. I didn't confide in Sue while making dinner, or whisper it to Emily while we watched cartoons.

No, I kept the crazy to myself. My family already watched me like I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown or emotional crisis; there was no need to toss kindling in to _that_ fire.

Anyway, I think Charlie liked that I stayed close to the house. Before, when I'd return from one of my epic hikes, he'd meet me at the door, worried. Maybe he thought one day I wouldn't come back.

I wanted to tell him that no, I would never do to him what Edward had done to me. I couldn't bring myself to let anyone I loved suffer for me that way.

In a way, I'd become angry at Edward.

Abandoned.

My room was my haven, my dreams the only solace I had. Sometimes, while reading, I stopped to look out the window, losing myself in the shadowy green just beyond. Just because I no longer ventured in to it, didn't mean I loved it any less. The light would change as the day went by, the sun angling through different branches, from the pale softness of early morning to the golden embrace of late afternoon.

One day I had cabin fever so bad I offered to do the grocery shopping for Sue. That was the extent of my daytime activity – doing the occasional errand.

She pressed her list in to my hand, one she'd probably made just to give me a reason to go, and I left, slipping into my flip flops on my way out the door.

A brisk shiver trembled through me. Too cold for flip flops still, but I was too lazy to care. I drove to Thriftway first, figuring I'd save the farmer's market for last.

I was in the frozen aisle, contemplating the merit of Haagen Daz versus Ben n' Jerry's, when a pair of hands covered my eyes.

"Jake."

"Damn, Bells," he chuckled. "You're no fun."

"I'm plenty of fun," I said dryly. "You're just the only one who does that to me."

He rolled his eyes. "Sure, sure."

I decided on Cherry Garcia, chucking it in to my cart. "So what's up? You off today?"

"Just grabbing some refreshment," he said, holding up a basket full of soda.

"You should drink more water."

"And you should come out with me later."

Taking a deep breath, I shook my head. "I don't know."

"Come on. It's been a week."

"You keep track?" I asked, looking away when Jake's cheeks reddened.

I turned down another aisle, blindly grabbing at loaves of bread.

"I just...hate seeing you like this."

"You always say that."

"Because it's true."

"I'm not your project," I said, not unkindly. I appreciated Jake and his cheerful attempts, and I often felt bad for being short with him, but sometimes our interactions left me exhausted. It was all I could do to get up each day and go on with my life, functioning normally.

"Ah, I know that," he said. "Can't I care?"

"So what did you want to do?" I asked instead.

"I thought I'd...take you for a ride."

"What kind of a ride?"

"Um...you know the bikes me and Brady were restoring?"

"The ones you guys found at the dump?"

"It wasn't the dump," he chuckled. "Some guy left them at the end of his driveway...anyway, took 'em out this morning. They ride nice, Bells."

I almost turned him down, but the look on his face, coupled with my sudden desperation to feel anything other than aching, made my mind up. "What time?"

"I'll pick you up," Jake said, grinning.

"And give Charlie heart failure?" I pursed my lips. "I'll come to you."

"Then I'll pick you up in my car," he insisted.

Sighing, I nodded.

Jake was right. The bikes did ride well, at least, they rode _fun._ We careened through the dirt roads of La Push, skidding around grassy corners and venturing down forgotten hiking trails in the woods between town and the beach.

"So?"

I pulled my helmet off and shook my hair out. "That was...amazing. So much fun," I breathed, high and exhilarated.

"I told you!" Jake crowed. "What do you want to do now? Ride back to the beach? Watch movies at my house?"

Watching movies late at night belonged to me and Edward. An unexpected, fresh wave of longing washed over me, threatening to steal what little joy I'd found.

"I'm a little tired, actually," I said, yawning. "Maybe we can do this again tomorrow?"

Jake shrugged, obviously disappointed. "Yeah, okay. Let me get my car keys."

We headed back to my house in the dark, lights from his car cutting through the inky blackness around us. Back at my house, though, the scent of oatmeal cookies warmed the air around the front door.

"Oh, man," mumbled Jake, sniffing.

"I'll bring some out. You want hot chocolate too?"

"Please and thank you."

We sat on the porch awhile, eating quietly and talking. I always felt so safe with Jake, and even though his feelings for me were becoming more apparent, it wasn't awkward yet. Truly, I hoped it would never become awkward. Outside my immediate family, Jake was all I had left. Everyone else was gone, doing their own thing.

And Edward...

Like always, I shoved the thought deep inside, back into my heart, where it belonged.

"Bells?"

Blinking, I looked up, surprised to see Jake closer than he had been seconds before. It had been seconds, right? I tended to get lost in my thoughts a lot lately.

"Yes?" I whispered, sitting back. So much for not being awkward.

He tucked my hair behind my ear, and it felt too intimate. I cleared my throat, and he drifted closer...

...and the woods erupted in the darkness behind us. A huge flock of birds flapped wildly out, squawking in agitation, obviously spooked by something out there.

Gasping, I held my hand to my heart, caught off guard by the ruckus. "Holy crap..."

"What the hell...?" Jake frowned, looking over his shoulder.

I got to my feet, taking the birds as a sign that it was time for me to go inside.

* * *

The cold felt like fingers, tickling across my neck and over my cheeks.

Even in my dream, I shivered, drawing the blankets higher. It persisted though, the feeling. I found I rather liked it, sad when it stopped, glad when it found new skin to caress.

_Bella_

I felt myself smiling.

_Bella_

_yes_

_I'm here, Bella_

_I know_

_do you?_

Sighing, I rolled on to my back, feeling as if I was emerging from the dream but not wanting to. A harsh noise accelerated the process, plunging me in to the cold dark, an icy lake instead of a summer pond.

Before I could process why I was even awake, my window shattered with the blunt force of something large trying to force its way inside. Shards of glass rained inside, covering me as I screamed.

* * *

**_well. i am truly apologetic about that craptastic tardiness of this here chapter. life with tiny tyrant, who is now 8 months old, continues to grow in hectic-ness. he's everywhere, all the time - omnipresent! so let's just say, i will update every 7-10 days. because i'm anal, it will be more like every 7, but this gives me wiggle room, mkay? thanks for all of the reviews, tweets, PMs, recs, love, support, and all around goodness. you guys are what make the fandom sweeter than a patchouli laden kumbaya campfire. *snugs*_**

**_oh, edward directly quotes breaking dawn in this. let's see who catches it! i'd tell you what chapter in the book it's from, but i don't want ya'll to cheat. humph._**

**_love, peace & chicken grease._**


	16. Revelation

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to the beta-wife, nic, for being generally badass with editing as well as concocting nail polishes named 'glimmer darkly'._

* * *

"Bella?" questions Charlie, his face caught somewhere between pained and confused.

Swallowing, I look from my boyfriend to my father. Edward's declaration is the absolute last thing I expected to hear when Alice and I drove to Forks today, and by the look on my father's face, he's in the same boat.

I'm a little surprised Alice didn't foresee something of this caliber, but when I shoot a panicked glance back at her she just shrugs and shakes her head.

I guess Edward's decision to say what he just said was completely off the cuff.

Blindsided doesn't even begin to describe how I feel; I wish _ I _was the mind reader – maybe then I'd know what version of Edward's story to collaborate. What exactly has he told Charlie? What's he left out or altered?

"Hey Daddy," I say weakly. "I...we were going to tell you... but I wanted to..." Floundering, I gesture fruitlessly, trying to organize my thoughts in to words.

"Come on in and sit down," he says, dropping down on to one of the couches in the lounge. "You too Edward. And..."

"Alice," I supply, touching her arm. "She's a friend from school."

"Hello, Alice."

"Hi, Mr. Swan," she says, closing the front door. "I...can probably go hang outside if you guys need privacy."

"Thank you," Charlie says, smiling politely. "But you don't have to do that. There's food in the kitchen if you're hungry..."

"Sounds great. Thanks so much, Mr. Swan," says Alice, smooth as always.

Once it's just the three of us, though, my father's serious side comes back. "Well. Seems like we have some catching up to do." Sarcastic Charlie is not a good sign. His demeanor reminds me of all the times I got in trouble for sassing him, or coming in late and missing curfew way back when. "This is all very...out of left field."

"I know it seems that way, and I never meant to keep things from you. I'm so sorry," I blurt out, glancing at Edward. I don't know what he was thinking; this was _not_ the way I wanted to tell my father. I wonder what they were talking about when Alice and I walked in; I'd heard laughter. I need to know what he's told Charlie so that I can fill in the blanks from my side. "It's just...it's been a really strange, really crazy summer."

"Apparently," snorts Charlie. "Do you have any idea how shocked I was to see Edward at the station? Good thing it was quiet day, otherwise the whole damn town would've been crowding around, trying to get a look." He levels a hard look at Edward. "People've been worried about you, son. We thought..."

"I know," Edward says, his voice quiet. "And honestly... there really isn't much I can say. Coming back to Bella made sense to me – it was easy – but coming back to Forks was a different story. I didn't even want to have to deal with my parent's estate. Even now..." He looks at his lap. "There're a lot of memories in this town, but I couldn't put it off any longer."

He's leaving things out, obviously, but what he's saying is genuine. I know being in Forks was hard for him before. Even when he was secretly staying in his old house, he kept everything on the first floor covered in sheets. Moving to Seattle gave our relationship room to breathe, but it also gave Edward the chance for a fresh start, a place to be free of his parent's ghosts.

My father's eyes fill with compassion. He lost his father at a really young age, so he sympathizes, and while I don't know what that feels like, my heart hurts for Edward. "I'm sorry for your loss, Edward. Your parents are sorely missed...if there's anything, anything at all we can do to help out, don't hesitate. I mean it."

Edward nods, smiling softly before eyes flicker back to me. "Thank you."

Grabbing his hand, I give him a quick squeeze. He was brave, coming here today. I can be brave, too.

"Why didn't you tell me he was back from Brazil?" Charlie asks before I can speak. "It's not like you to keep things from me. Not things like that. I thought..."

"I asked her not to say anything," Edward says. "Not until I was ready to come back and talk to you myself."

"Have you been together since he came back?" Charlie asks me.

"He was back for a little while before he came to find me," I say, keeping it vague.

But he's in interrogation mode. "Is this why you moved to Seattle?"

"Partly. But also... I needed to get back on track. It was time."

He nods, seemingly somewhat placated. "Can't argue with that. Wish I known Edward was back, though. I'll be honest, Bells, I feel a little foolish. You had me thinking that all it took was a change of scenery to pull you from your depression."

Besides me, Edward tenses.

"She was a mess for a while," Charlie says to him, likely noting his expression.

"It's okay now," I whisper, wishing we could just fast forward through this part of the conversation. I mean, this is it – this is what I wanted, to get things out in the open, but it's difficult to do. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing, and even if I don't, I know Charlie's hurt we kept this from him.

But just like with Jake, it was a necessary evil. Had I the opportunity to do it all again, I'd change nothing. I had to protect Edward. I didn't know how else to proceed.

"Anyway," I say, sliding my hand from Edward's. "We _just_ got engaged, like last weekend." I show him my hand, letting him see the ring himself.

He shakes his head, smiling ruefully. "I feel like wringing your necks."

"Dad..."

"It's always 'Dad' when you want something, have you noticed that?"he teases. "Or 'Daddy'."

"This is serious," I groan.

"Damn right it is. You know how I feel about getting married so young! You two have your entire lives ahead of you...I don't think it's wise to rush in to this."

"We're not rushing in to anything," I protest. "I love Edward. I...I always have. And he feels the same way. His being gone just solidified that for me, and since he got back? It's gotten so much stronger." I consider my father's fears, the things he's shared with me since I got older. He's always thought that he and my mother got married too young, and that it led to the demise of their relationship. Maybe it did, but I also know that at that time Mom was a wandering spirit while Charlie was a workaholic. Edward and I are a completely different story. "I know it won't be easy...but I also know that I'm not Mom." I take a deep breath, wanting so much for this to be received well. "And he's not you."

My words affect him visibly, because Charlie sighs, shoulders sagging a little as he regards me. "I guess not."

"I believe in us, and I really want you to believe in us, too," I plead, getting up so that I can sit beside him.

"And if it makes any difference, we'll probably be engaged for awhile before actually getting married," Edward adds quietly. "Bella's it for me, and I wanted to commit to her now. But...we want to focus on school for the time being."

He and I haven't exactly discussed potential dates, but what he's saying now makes sense. Although, if I'm being honest with myself, I'd marry him tomorrow.

But I simply nod in agreement, looking back at Charlie.

"Well, I gotta say, I respect you coming here to tell me," he says. "It was the right thing to do, and I appreciate that. I hope you plan on spending a little time with us so I can get to know you better. Go fishing or something."

"Or maybe you could come back out to Seattle," I say quickly, wanting to avoid future dramas starring the wolves.

Clapping his hand on my knee, he nods. "I'd be glad to have you as part of our family, Edward. You're a good kid, and you've always treated Bella well. I like knowing you're watching out for her in the city."

Predictably, I have a huge lump in my throat.

"Thanks, Daddy," I whisper, leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

"See? There it is," he says. "'Daddy'."

Rolling my eyes, I give him a playful shove. Edward stands to shake my father's hand. I have so many questions. What does my father think of Edward's altered appearance? His cold touch?

I'm so lost in thought that I almost miss the sound of another car pulling up. Emily flies through the front door, shoes already kicked off, backpack dangling from one shoulder. She skids to a stop, her mouth open in a gapey grin. "Bella!" she squeals, hugging me. "Is that your car outside? I really like it!"

"Hey, Em," I whisper, kissing her head. "It's my friend's car."

"I didn't know you were coming back," she says, eyes shining. She glances back, her gaze stopping on Edward, with whom she was once completely enamored. I can almost _feel _her blush. "You're back?"

He nods, giving her a small smile. "Yeah."

"Are you okay?" Emily asks, frowning as she takes him in.

Heart pounding, I watch her eyes scan him from head to toe. Emily has always been observant, and I have a feeling she senses something's different. Like most children, she's still open to anything being possible. Growing up usually means letting go of fantasy and improbabilities.

Edward takes her Emily's quiet regard in stride, though. "I'm okay," he says, smiling a little bigger. "Thanks."

Movement at the door catches my eye, and I look over as Sue steps inside. She raises her eyebrows when she sees Edward, surprised. I love her, but I suspect she's full of it. News travels fast, and there's no doubt in my mind that what Jacob saw has already ricocheted throughout the Quileute community. Additionally, even if Sue _wasn't_ privy to the secrets of the tribe, she would recognize Edward for what he was immediately because of her upbringing in legends and lore.

Edward knows this, but he simply nods at Sue. "Hi." He can read her thoughts; I wonder what she's thinking.

"Well, hello. Welcome home, Edward." Her eyes flicker briefly to me before bouncing back to Edward. "It's been a long time."

"That it has," he agrees.

"You'll have to stay for dinner," she says, all warmth and sweetness. I wonder if Charlie notices the speculative gleam in his wife's eye.

Maybe I'm just being dramatic.

"I'd love to," Edward says, and Emily plops down beside him, much to Sue's wide eyed dismay, "but Bella and I have plans with friends back in Seattle."

"They're celebrating their engagement," Charlie says, his voice gruff.

Now Sue really is surprised. She gapes at us. "Already?"

I try not to react defensively, knowing that if I were in her shoes – or Charlie's – I might act the same way. "We've been together a long time," I say, pressing my clasped hands between my thighs. "Even if we were apart for some of it."

"They came to ask for my blessing," Charlie says, clearing his throat. "And I gave it to them. Kids do what they want to do anyway." He winks at me and stands. "You need help bringing in the groceries, babe?"

Sue nods. "Please."

"I'll help," Edward says, sensing we need a moment.

The second they leave, her neutral expression hardens. "Emily, go start your homework."

"But Mom—"

"Now, baby."

Huffing, Emily drags herself off the couch, picks up her bag, and disappears.

"This is a dangerous game you're playing," Sue says, deadly calm.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I snap. Outside the window, Edward smiles at something my father says. I remember standing with him in that very place a year ago, kissing and huddling against the afternoon rain.

"You know what I mean, Bella. They're not like us. He might have the same face and memories of your life together, but his kind and ours are like oil and water."

"You mean _your _kind and his," I say, shaking my head. "I have no problem with any of this. And even if I did, the fact is Edward _is_ the same person he was before. No one knows this better than I do, so please save your breath."

Sue sighs, her eyes filled with sadness. "Bella..."

"No," I say, going to her. "No. I love you, and I love you for the part you play in Charlie's life. He's as happy as he is because of you and Emily. Please allow me that same happiness, Sue. I don't care what the rules say or what traditions I'm stomping on. I don't care. And you can tell the rest of the tribe that. I've already told Jacob."

Charlie and Edward slide past with the groceries, talking about sports. Our eyes meet, and he smiles gratefully.

When we're alone again, Sue touches my hand. "This can't end well."

"Why does it have to end at all?" I ask. "Why is is okay – normal, even – for Jake and the others to imprint on human girls?"

"Because they're still human," she hisses.

"Didn't look that way when Jake turned in to a wolf, right in front of my face," I retorted.

Shaking her head, Sue backs away. "You're completely devoted to him, aren't you? You'd follow him to the grave."

"It won't come to that, but yes."

"What will happen when you become too old for him? Will he take care of you?"

Terrified of where the conversation is heading, I give her a hug instead. "That's between him and me. We have to go, Sue. Tell Leah I'll call her." I've had enough for one day. Between Jake, Charlie and Sue, I'm emotionally wiped out...and Leah's the last person I feel like explaining anything to. I love her, dearly, but she's stubborn and opinionated and so wildly protective of the people she loves that it sometimes blinds her.

"Tell me one thing, Bella," Sue says, catching my hand before I walk away.

"What?"

"Why can't they smell them?"

Smirking, I lift my chin. "Because they feed from animals. Not humans."

The look on her face is worth is all.

* * *

Alice doesn't mind driving back alone so that I can ride with Edward. She knows we need to talk, and all she wants is to get back to Jasper, anyway. She accepts my father's apologies of being "a horrible host" with a dazzling smile, promising him they'll have time to "connect" when he comes to Seattle for a visit.

Meanwhile, Sue nearly has a conniption fit when she realizes there was another vampire in the house. She plays it off like nothing's the matter, but I can tell she's surprised. Alice remains super sweet, even though I know she senses it.

We don't dally in Forks once she leaves. After saying my goodbyes and promising my father that I'll be back sooner rather than later, I join Edward in the Volvo.

"So," I say, gazing at the trees. I've missed the lush overgrowth.

"So."

Rolling my eyes, I twist in my seat so that I'm facing Edward. "I'm just wondering why you thought that this was the best way to tell Charlie and Sue about us."

He frowns. "It was the only way, Bella. By the time I got here, the thoughts around me were practically screaming. Jake must've called them the second he left."

"They see in to each other's minds," I say. "It's a little like your mind reading, except theirs is limited to those who can shift within their group. It's like this...network."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"That explains a lot."

"I know."

"When I used to watch you, sometimes I'd see them...in wolf form but also as humans, and they always seemed to be in sync with each other. I had a feeling they were connected; I just didn't know it was so closely."

"I'm sure it's both a blessing and a curse. Jake said today he'd have kept the secret, for me, but that it made no difference because Sam and the others had already seen."

Edward nods, eyes narrowed as he considers this. I know he and Jacob are natural enemies now, and that my being with him only intensifies that, but I need for them both to understand that things aren't that cut and dry. There are so many variables at play, like the fact that Edward and the Cullens don't attack humans. That Jake's affections for me are no longer romantic. That I'm bonded to the Quileute not just by my history with them but by family as a result of Charlie and Sue's marriage. My own sister is half Quileute. It complicates things.

"Anyway," Edward says eventually. "I knew things were about to blow up in our faces, and that if the tribe knew about me, chances were other people from town would find out. I know I said I'd never be able to see Charlie again, but..." He glances at me. "I know how much he means to you. And how much it upsets you that you've had to lie to him."

Biting my lip, I lower my eyes.

"I'll do anything to make you happy, Bella. You're going to have to give so much up and I just... I don't want to keep you from what you love. Eventually, you'd probably resent me."

"I don't think I could ever resent you."

"You don't know that. Not for sure."

"Either way, our situation isn't exactly typical, Edward. I know why we have to keep the secrets we do."

"Yeah, but in this case the secret was hurting more than it was helping. It was the right thing to do."

"You're right, I just...I don't know. I wish you'd told me."

"It was a split second decision, and I didn't want you trying to talk me out of it. I really didn't even want you to come, in case things went down with the wolves, but I guess it worked out."

"You actually wanted to have a conversation like that with my father _without_ me as a buffer?" I laugh, incredulous. "You're nuts." Obviously Charlie can't physically harm Edward, but he's been known to have a sharp tongue and I'd have hated for Edward to be on the receiving end if it.

"I didn't say I wanted to, I said it would have been the safest option."

"You can't protect me from everything, you know."

He scoffs. "I can sure as hell try."

I let it go, deciding to let Edward have his manly moment. "What did you say to him, anyway? When you went to the station?"

"Once he got over the shock of seeing me alive, I told him I needed to speak to him privately. He told the guy working the front that he was leaving for the day, and that was that."

"Forks is so small, though. I don't know how..."

"I kept my jacket and baseball cap on, so I doubt anyone really recognized me."

"How very celebrity of you."

"I followed him back to your house," he says, ignoring me, "and basically just gave him a very abridged version of the past nine months."

"Didn't he notice your skin? How pale you are now? How cold?"

"Of course he did. I told him I'd been bitten and almost killed by a venomous snake," he chuckles darkly. "Not too far off the mark."

"That's... appropriate."

"Yeah, and that seemed to be enough, because he didn't dwell on it. I think he realized how painful talking about Brazil was for me, because he didn't push. I focused mainly on what I've been doing since I came back, how I 'found' you through a mutual friend at school..."

"Which friend?"

"I didn't supply a name."

"Okay," I say. "So as far as he knows, this was the first time you've been back to Forks since you left."

"Yeah. Jake...well, Jake and the tribe...are the only ones who know now that I used to be here before."

"And they'll never say anything because it would raise too many questions," I guess. "Charlie would be totally weirded out if he knew shape shifting wolves had been patrolling his woods."

"Right." He exhales, loudly. "This all sounds crazy even to _me._ I can't imagine how your father would take it."

"That's why he's on a need to know basis," I agree. "And he doesn't need to know anything other than the basics: you're back, you're done with Forks, we're in Seattle together."

He nods.

"How did you tell him?" I ask. My father's a curious person, and naturally suspicious.

"I let him know we were still serious, that we'd really reconnected over the summer. I told him it was very difficult for me to deal with Forks, and that my life there was over, that a family friend had taken possession of the house."

"Which is true."

"Yes, it is. Carlisle can do whatever he wants with it...I have no use for it."

"Maybe in the future...?" In my mind's eye, I see Emily all grown up and in a home of her own in either Forks or La Push. Knowing I'll likely be missing stuff like that kills me, and I hold on to the hope that Forks will somehow remain part of my life.

"Maybe, but I doubt it. The only reason I came back to Forks at all was to find you."

His words send warmth through my middle. I guess when all's said and done, Edward is my family now.

For awhile we drive in comfortable quietude, our conversation having come to a natural pause. Late afternoon, the day begins burning brilliantly, the colors deepening . The afternoon's rainclouds dissipate, leaving the sky wide open with color, sweet pink to navy, where a lonely star winks.

"Thank you," I whisper, finding his hand.

"For what?"

"For loving me enough to put up with these complications."

He makes a face. "Complications? Bella, getting turned in to a vampire was a _complication. _Everything after that is simple."

Edward's chivalry knows no bounds, even if it means glossing over today's turn of events just so I don't feel bad. "You know what I mean."

"You'd do it for me."

"I know I would," I say, blushing. "I'm just saying..."

"You're the reason for my existence," he says simply, like that's all there is to it. Maybe it is.

Earlier, when Edward and I first reunited, declarations that like made me nervous. I'd worried that he was holding on by a thin thread, and it put a lot of pressure on me. How could I be his everything in the wake of his parent's passing? His _own_ passing and rebirth? And at that time, as overwhelming as his need was, mine was just as intense, near desperate after months of near crippling worry, anguish and longing. We'd clung to one another like survivors at sea, unable to see little else than each other's faces.

But Edward wasn't as stable then as he is now, and deep inside I know the same is true for me. I'm realizing that needing each other the way we do doesn't have to be an unhealthy thing. Maybe it's more about interdependence than codependence. The other couples in Edward's new family are bonded closer than crazy glue, and they seem happy and well adjusted.

I pull Edward's hand on to my lap and clasp it between the both of mine. "And you're mine."

* * *

Later, after dinner at a sushi place where I pig out while Edward, Alice and Jasper only pretend to, we go home. Tipsy-warm from sipping sake while we celebrated, I hold on to Edward as he leads me up the stairs, his hand holding mine, always.

One of my housemates grins as she passes in the hallway, not bothering to hide her appreciation of my boyfriend's ass...etts.

"When're we moving to your place?" I whine, letting Edward take my keys so he can open my door. "I'm tired of this..."

"Of what?" he laughs, messing with me. "I thought you loved it here."

I look around my little bedroom, at the personal touches that Edward and I have made over the time we've been here. "I do love it. I just wish..."

"We could be more alone."

"Yeah." I pull my shirt off and kick my sandals across the floor, where they hit the door with a hollow thunk.

"Mm, I forgot how cute you are when you drink," Edward says, dropping his voice in to this sexy growl. It's totally affected, and it works like a charm.

"I'm not drunk," I say, unzipping my jeans.

"Mhm."

"I had one glass!"

"Actually, I think it's called an _ochoko," _he says, giving me an extra snooty eyebrow raise.

"Ooh, thanks for clearing that up, my cultural guru," I say, rolling my eyes.

"Your what?" He pounces, pinning me to the bed. "I'll show you cultural."

Giddy and wild, I wrap my legs around him and squeeze. "I don't even want to know what that means."

Roughhousing eventually leads to touching, tickling to licking. He sobers me with his eyes and intoxicates me all over again with his kisses. I run my hands over his body, reveling in the angles of muscle and bone, skin both powder soft and polished stark.

"You're so beautiful," I whisper, brushing my lips across his jaw.

He shudders from the feeling. "You're beautiful."

I shake my head. "Even before...I remember when I first saw you. I thought...I was surprised there was someone like you in Forks."

"That night at the lounge?" He makes a quiet huffing sound, amused. "I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. And every time you caught me, you blushed."

On cue, my cheeks fire up.

"Mm." He leans down, skimming his nose across my face, scenting me. "I'll miss your red cheeks..."

"No; I can't wait till I'm like you." It's impossible to keep the yearning from my voice.

"Love this, now," he says, pressing his palm to my heart. "You have eternity to be like me."

"I just want to be your equal, in every way."

"You already are," he says. "We were made for each other. You feel it?"

"Yeah."

He sucks gently on my neck, bringing the blood to surface. It feels good, making me squirm when he sucks a little harder. He does this sometimes; says it intensifies my scent. It almost hurts, but I can't bring myself to ask him stop. There's no denying it turns me on – I _like_ knowing that he doesn't just love me, he's attracted to the very inside of me, too. He told me once that my blood appeals to him more than anyone else's. I don't know if this is because he already loved me, or if his love for me is strengthened _because_ of the blood bond, but either way it only makes us closer.

Still, we're playing with fire when we do this. Instead of encouraging it, as I'm wont to do, I distract him with the push of my hips, the grip of my fingertips.

His eyes open, and he really looks at me. "Sorry..."

"It's okay," I breathe, touching his face. "Just..."

Knowing, he nods, mouth quirked in a lazy smirk, eyes half shut in anticipation of pleasure.

He gets on to his knees and eases me close, parting my knees wide as he pushes inside. I arch as I take him, relishing the moment of penetration, when I go from empty to full, from part to complete. For a second he just stares at our connection, and then he starts moving. His thrusts are shallow teases, and I tense around him to communicate what I want. Even when we start off slow, when we're wrapped in romantic feelings and sweetness, we always end up going hard.

Edward always knows how to touch me to make me come, and when. I used to guide his hands sometimes, but he's learned my tells, much as I have learned his. He likes to do it without his hands, and I like him to do it with his mouth, but really... every orgasm with him is a small taste of heaven and tonight is no exception.

Tensing, I feel it coming, feel _myself_ coming, hear myself begging him not to stop. The friction between our bodies warms his up, but when he comes it's a rush of cold deep inside. He's the only one I'll ever be with; I can't imagine this feeling any other way.

"On second thought, I can't wait till you're changed," he pants, pulling out.

"Why?" I ask, my heart beating so fast it makes my voice shake.

"So you can keep up," he says, rolling me on to my stomach.

* * *

The next day we move, unofficially, to Edward's apartment. It's in the same building as Alice and Jasper, which initially I balked at before realizing they could live a continent away and we would still have very little privacy.

A lot of my belongings are still in Forks, and since Brazil, Edward's pretty much started over. There isn't that much stuff to move, and between Edward and Jasper, the task is done quickly. I still have to maintain the room for this quarter, though, so I leave a couple of things behind: a lamp, my bedspread, a couple of books. Even though Charlie knows now that we're not only together but engaged, he still wouldn't appreciate me living with Edward outside of marriage. He can be pretty traditional sometimes. The thing is, Edward and I have already been living together; now we're just going to do it in a place not overrun with nosy college girls and crowded bathrooms.

Having an actual apartment together makes a huge difference. It's actually easier for me to focus on school, because while we now live a little further away from campus, it's quieter and less crazy. Edward and I fall in to a schedule that revolves around my classes. He's considering taking online courses until I complete freshman year – which will be early as a result of the summer classes I took – and starting the applications process of several schools he's interested in. I'm a little nervous about telling Charlie that this year will likely be my last in Washington in terms of schooling, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

We've already gotten past the hard part anyway: telling him, Sue, and the wolves, that Edward's back, and that one day, we're getting married.

I'm mired down in research one night when my Gchat pings from the corner of my screen. I glance distractedly at it, expecting to see something from Angela or Alice, or maybe even Edward, who thinks it's cute to message me from the next room, but it's not.

_Leah._

My heart sinks. Despite what I told Sue back in Forks, I have not tried to contact my step sister yet. I've been avoiding what's sure to be an uncomfortable confrontation.

_Hey Bell. Got a minute?_

Chewing my pen, I type back a quick response. _Of course. What's up?_

_u tell me. we haven't talked in awhile. I hear u have news._

Sighing, I put down my pen and decide to just get it over with.

* * *

_Last March_

Jake winced as I eased on to the porch swing. Amazingly, none of my injures were serious. Mostly just superficial scratches and cuts, the only laceration that needed stitches was the one on my left wrist.

"I'm fine," I laughed, rolling my eyes. Talk about being handled with kid gloves; the coddling had only gotten worse since last week's storm had sent a tree through my bedroom window.

At least, that's what everyone thought. I'd been half asleep myself, so I couldn't be sure of what I'd seen. Or thought I'd seen. The whole night was kind of a blurry, confusing mess. The fact that I'd been feeling...followed...haunted...for weeks was likely playing in to my memories of what actually happened.

I told myself that every time I cleaned the cuts with the special ointment I'd been sent home with...

...but every time I closed my eyes, I saw it: flashes of fur and hair.

"You're not," he argued, seriously looking like he was about to have a heart attack.

"Relax, Jacob. I'm really very lucky. I could've lost a lot more blood, been a lot worse off. The fact that I escaped with nothing but a couple of bandaids is nothing short of a miracle."

"It's a miracle, all right," he muttered, unable to take his eyes off my arms.

"Anyway, what's up?" I asked, eager to move on to other subjects.

He shook his head. "I really just came by to see how you were doing. Everyone's talking about this."

"About what? The tree?"

Jake gave me a funny look. "What tree?"

"The one that came through my window."

"Did you see it?" he asked.

My skin prickled with the suspicion that Jake knew things. Hesitantly, I shook my head.

He dropped his head in to his hands.

"What is it?" I whispered, getting up so that I could be close to him. "What's wrong?"

"I just... I wanted you to be safe, Bella."

"I... I am," I said, biting my lip. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but things happen."

I was good at convincing myself of such half truths. The reality of the world and the sub-realities of my mind, dreams and instincts had begun blurring, and nothing made sense anymore. I didn't quite trust myself. It was one of the reasons I stayed indoors so much lately.

Although, I'd gotten hurt in my own bed so apparently that was no longer a safe haven, either.

"Are you up for a walk?" Jake asked. "Can you manage?"

"Sure," I said, straightening up. As long as I wasn't alone, the woods didn't seem too foreboding.

We left the porch and stepped out into the light rain misting the afternoon. The rain clouds hung heavy, weighting the sky with a grey so dark that the day felt much later than it really was. After strolling a little beyond the treeline, Jake stopped and turned, staring at me.

I smiled, wondering why he was acting so odd.

"You're one of my best friends," he began, almost shy but also determined.

"Me too. I mean, you're one of mine," I assured him.

"And I don't want to keep things from you," he said, clenching his hands in to fists.

He was being vague, but something in me knew that he might have answers for me. Maybe it was a sixth sense, or it could've just been the look on his face; I didn't know. Praying inwardly that he would reveal something, _anything_, that would help me make sense of my life, I waited for him to go on.

"I'm not supposed to tell anyone, because it's sacred knowledge of the tribe..."

"The Quileutes?" I asked, confused.

"Yeah...I'm not supposed to tell anyone who isn't one of us but damn Bells, you _are_ one of us."

Wrapping my arms around myself, I nodded. A sharp breeze picked up, fluttering the wet leaves round my feet.

Suddenly, Jake convulsed violently, eyes bulging. Horrified, I gasped and lunged for him. "Jacob!"

"Stay back!" he growled, his voice guttural in the presence of pain.

I froze as he transformed before my eyes. Gone was the boy I'd spent my summers with, the sweet guy who'd walked me through my ongoing heartbreak, always offering a hand to hold or a joke to make me smile. In his place stood a giant wolf, his thick russet coat quivering as he panted.

My world broke apart, severed in to the before and after, leaving us divided by a great, silent chasm.

Choking back my scream, I stumbled back, intent on getting back to the house as quickly as I could. I knew he could catch me if he wanted me, but I also knew that he was _Jake _and that Jake wouldn't hurt me. Not on purpose, anyway.

None of that mattered. It was logical thinking, and I'd been hurled in to a universe that defied logic.

My body took over, taking flight as my brain struggled to catch up.

I ran.

* * *

_thanks so very, very much for reading, and for those who reviewed, i send sake-sweet kisses. xoxoxoxoxo!_


	17. Rock & a Hard Place

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to the beta-wife, nic. xoxoxo._

_sorry this took forever but you know. it's here now._

* * *

_No need to be nervous._ _Or apologetic._

_It's my relationship. My life. I own this. Me._

The inner pep talk does nothing to quell the nerves zinging through my body like a short circuited pinball machine. On one hand, I'm right: I really don't need to answer to anyone (other than maybe Charlie, and that's just out of respect) when it comes to my decisions. I'm of age, and I've always been responsible. Always.

But on the other hand, real life relationships are rarely that simple. Leah _does_ deserve an explanation: not because she's "the boss of me" but because she's my sister, and my friend, and though we haven't been lately, we used to be close.

She came back for me, helping pick me up off the ground when my sadness threatened to pull me under. She listened without judgment when no one else really did, and believed me when I said Edward was alive. Even though she'd hate for me to feel I owe her, I do. And I love her.

The words she just typed glow back at me from my computer screen. I move my cursor over them, deliberating. "I think I'm gonna call Leah," I announce to the empty room..

Edward appears beside me, looking from the computer screen to me. "I can go somewhere if you want."

"Maybe. I don't know."

"I need to get something from Jasper, anyway." He kisses the top of my head and leaves before I can reply.

Taking a deep breath, I lean across the desk and pick up my phone. These days Leah's number four on my speed dial; there was a time when she was second only to Edward.

"Hey." She answers immediately, like she's been expecting my call. "Long time no see."

"Yeah, no kidding. It's been...crazy. You know?"

"Yeah, here too. This wedding stuff is driving me nuts..."

Blinking rapidly, I swallow the lump in my throat. The date keeps getting moved around, but Sam and Leah are getting married in February. I'm supposed to be a bridesmaid, but it's been awhile since we've discussed it, and I don't really know where things stand. I realize the last time I really thought about this was at Paul and Rachel's wedding, back in June, and even then I'd been consumed by Edward and how quickly I could get back to Seattle once the reception was over.

Apparently I'm still not too good at balancing people and things in my life. Feeling guilty, I clear my throat. "Do you need help with anything?" I ask.

"No, it's okay. You know I want this to be simple...it's mainly my mom, dude." She chuckles. "You'd never know it, but she's girlie as hell when it comes to this kind of stuff."

"I bet most moms are," I say softly, thinking of Renee. She's just as scatterbrained as ever, busy following Phil around the country as he trains and plays baseball. She's probably the only person I don't feel bad about. Still, I make a mental note to call her later on in the evening, just to catch up.

"Yeah. So."

"So..." _Here it comes._

"Edward's crossed over to the dark side, I hear."

That's about as subtle a segue as I'm going to get, I suppose. "Mhm."

"Kind of a big deal, don't you think?"

"Yeah." I get up and cross the room, opting for the comfort of the couch. "It is."

"And you didn't feel the need to share this with me?"

Laughing humorlessly, I close my eyes and lean back against the cushions. "Seriously, Lee?"

"What?"

"I'm surprised you didn't drive out here to bang down my door in person."

"Yeah...you can thank Sam I didn't."

I'd like to think she's joking, but she's probably not so I move on. "Well...yeah. He was changed in Brazil." I pause, staring up at the ceiling. "It was either that or die of malaria, so..."

"I knew he was alive," she says, reminding me of the times we spoke about the possibility back when Edward was still missing. "I mean, not that _this_ is alive, but, you know."

"I can do without the snark, thanks."

"Bella."

"What?"

"I'm trying really hard not to freak the hell out, but...I gotta say. This is insanity. Complete and total insanity."

"It's taken a lot of adjustment," I admit.

"Adjustment? He's a _vampire_!" She's almost shrieking now.

"I know that, and just like I told Sue, he's still the same person inside. Certain characteristics have changed, but the core of who he is...he's the same, Leah."

"But he's not. They lose something when they turn."

"Yeah, their mortality."

"Their humanity. It might not be obvious right now, but eventually the cracks are going to start showing. You are his _food _source, Bella. Can you honestly tell me you've never ever been afraid of Edward since he came back?"

The implication wounds; an arrow right to the heart. My silence tells her all she needs to know.

"Thought so," she sighs, not unkindly. "You understand why I'm freaked out, right?"

Of course I know. All I've done is think about this until my head hurts, considering the pros and cons of every decision I make, the possible outcomes and repercissions and reactions from the people around me. "Yes."

"Please, please tell me you'll consider..."

"Consider what? Ending the relationship? No. Never. I love him."

"He's the only guy you've loved," she says, patient and just a little patronizing. "You have no basis of comparison."

It's like the exact opposite of the conversation I once had with Alice, months before.

"You of all people should know that's irrelevant. When you know, you know," I shoot back, thinking of the bond she and Sam share. "I'm going in to this with my eyes wide open. I've pledged to love him for the rest of my life."

"It's not like you're married," she states, matter-of-factly ignoring my comparison to her relationship. "There's still time..."

"Time for what?"

"Time to use your head and stop following your heart down the rabbit hole."

"Are you listening to yourself? When did you ever use your head when it came to Sam?" I scoff. "Anyway. I'm not married to Edward yet, but I will be."

"When?" she asks. Slight panic edges her words.

"We haven't actually chosen a date yet, but that could change at any moment. He's it for me."

"You're basically choosing him over your family, you know that, right?"

"No, you guys are choosing prejudice and ignorance over accepting my decision," I say, heart pounding heavily from the slowly escalating confrontation. "I don't want to leave you behind; I don't want this to be a choice. I love you both..."

"You can't keep your head in the sand!" shouts Leah. "He is not like you. He never will be. And if you decide to be like him, you'll be sacrificing your life for something dark and unnatural! Not to mention complicated. Do you think we like having to phase? It's a burden! It's a responsibility none of us want but all of us accept because it's the only way we can protect our way of life and the lives of the people around us." Her voice lowers, the frustration mellowing in to something doleful, desperate. "This isn't our decision; it's just the way things are. The way we're built and the way they're built are polar opposites...magnets repelling...all the love and kumbaya in the world can't change that."

What she's saying makes a sad sort of sense, but I can't help but feel that things are this way simply because of tradition.

"I see what you're saying," I hedge, wanting to bridge the gap growing between us, "but nothing is black and white anymore."

"Absolutes keep people alive, Bella. There's no place for back and forth when it comes to protecting lives."

"The Cullens are different because of their diet," I say, biting my lip.

"Yeah, Mom told me. Doesn't mean they don't crave human blood, though."

"No, but it does mean that they choose to live peaceably among humans. It makes a difference. The Cullens have been abstaining forever...like, some of them for over a century."

Leah's quiet, and I know she's seeing the logic even if her instincts are fighting it.

And I can't even blame her. Her entire life, way back before I knew any of this existed, she's been taught stories and legends that make up this aspect of the Quileute's history. On top of that, she's the first and – so far only – female to shift, giving her a very unique and significant place within the tribe.

And then there's her relationship with Sam.

Within the year, she'll be married to the alpha. Regardless of how much I can get her to see the light, she's always going to defer to Sam, both as a wife and as a member of their group. Why can't we change things? Why can we look at a new situation with new eyes?

"I see what you're saying," she says.

"But?"

"But I don't agree with it."

"That's fine," I spit. "Because obviously, I can't win."

"No –"

"It's all well and good for you because no matter what happens, you've got Sam. He's your love, your _one_, your other half. He's the only person you've ever felt that way about, and you know because you know it's right. There are no obstacles for you, and that's great. But imagine for a minute that there was something keeping him from you? Don't even try to tell me you wouldn't fight for him, Lee. And I'll fight for Edward. Every time. It wasn't his choice to become a vampire, but at the same time, I can't regret that he is one. Because he might be dead to you, but he's alive to me."

"I get it, I get it," she mumbles, and I think maybe she does. I've never been this passionate about anything before.

Not that it really changes the position we're in.

Outside, rain begins to fall, gently speckling the window pane and rushing through the drain pipes. I stare at it, listening to the silence I share with Leah, wondering if it's raining in Forks, too.

"We're going in circles, aren't we?"

"I don't know." She sighs. "Maybe."

"Edward's_ my_ imprint, okay? He doesn't exactly approve of my relationship with Jake...or any of the wolves, probably, but he's willing to put that aside for me. If anyone's standing in our way it's...you guys." I swallow, nervous that I'm coming off as unnecessarily confrontational. "I mean –"

"No, I get it, Bell."

"So is that it?" I ask.

"No, of course not but...there's not much I can say at this point. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and hard place. You forget I haven't had much time to deal with this. You've been with him for...what, six months? Since he came back? You've had time to adjust; I haven't. Just give me time."

"I...okay." My phone vibrates once, reminding me of a Skype conversation I need to attend for a class project that starts in a couple of minutes. "Listen, I gotta go."

She hesitates. "...okay." I can hear someone – Sam, probably, or maybe Jake – saying something on her side of the line, anyway.

"I'll talk to you soon, all right?" I say.

"Yeah. Take care, Bell." She's colder now, detached, but I try not to take it too personally. It's the way she deals with uncomfortable situations, how she processes things. I know she isn't mad at me, per se, but she's furious at the situation.

Lying flat on our bed, staring up at the ceiling, is how Edward finds me seconds later.

I know by the look on his face that he caught the tail end of my phone conversation.

"Hey," he says, dropping his keys on the table.

"Hi."

He shrugs out of his coat, leaving it on the desk chair I was sitting in earlier. Rain drops glisten in his hair like little gems, bright in the darkening room. Guess he went out, after all. "Leah?"

I nod, wiping a hand over my face.

"You okay?"

"Yep. Guess I should be grateful it didn't turn in to a shouting match."

Kicking off his shoes, he sinks down next to me and pulls me close. He's freezing cold from being outside, and I shiver. Still, he makes me warm in other ways, like inside, and I turn toward him.

"Is it ever going to be easy?" I ask, thumbing his cheek.

"Eventually."

"I'm so tired."

"Take a nap," he suggests, arching an eyebrow.

Laughing quietly, I rest a hand on his hip. "You know what I mean."

"I don't blame her, you know," he says, surprising me.

"Leah?"

"Yeah."

I search his eyes. "Why not?"

"She's doing what she thinks is right. I have to respect that. And despite Jake's self righteous stupidity, so is he. They're doing what they were built to do. The Cullens, and now your decision, go against everything they were raised to believe. Up until now they've been completely right, too. The majority of vampires I've encountered live by a very different set of rules." He shakes his head. "If they even follow rules."

Edward has always been the more logical of us, but this is impressive."Well. That's...very big of you."

"Not really," he chuckles. "I'm not saying I'm on their side, just that I get where they're coming from. I'd prefer it if they'd just disappear, but that's not happening anytime soon so..." He squeezes my hip. "I'm forced to share you."

"Not quite," I say. "I just want to be with you."

"You have me," he promises. "Always."

I nod, dropping my eyes.

"But, Bella... you still have family," he says. "Don't...don't take that for granted. If I could bring my parents back, I would."

"I know. And you're right. I just wish it didn't have to be so do or die all the time. I wish they were all like Charlie."

"Charlie only knows half the truth." He smiles ruefully.

Sighing, I swing my leg over his hip so we fit together like puzzle pieces.

"You still have other family, too," I remind him. "Your grandmother..."

"Seeing me this way would probably kill her, Bella."

"Why? It's not like she knows..."

He shakes his head, so I drop it. I'll bring it up another time, maybe. I know he thinks about her from time to time. "You have the Cullens, then," I whisper, kissing his eyelids. "And they're pretty great."

"You have the Cullens, too," he says, kissing me.

Closing my eyes, I kiss back. He pulls away when I start to feel faint, running his nose along the column of my neck.

"I just want you to be happy," I breathe.

"I am happy," he says. "I have you."

"Yes," I agree. "Always. You'll always have me."

"No one can change that..." he says softly. "And if they try, I don't care what their intentions are... I'll kill them."

I back up a little to see his face, intrigued by the abrupt edge in his voice, the hardness in his eyes. He's so good at being diplomatic and fair, at maintaining his innate goodness and humanity, but at times like this I see his other, newer side. The evolved but possessive predator that lives beneath his pretty face.

We watch one another for a long moment. He's almost challenging me to fight his words.

"Does that bother you?" he asks when I stay silent.

"No."

And it doesn't. Not at all.

I guess Edward's not the only one who's changed.

* * *

The next couple of weeks go by without word from Leah. This is her M.O. She takes a long time to process things, to forgive, to move on, to accept. She's nothing if not stubborn, and this is one thing we will never see eye to eye on.

However, I'm stubborn this time too, and instead of texting her or leaving little messages on her Facebook, I leave her alone to stew it out. We're family. Talking sooner or later is unavoidable, anyway.

Our stalemate ends when she calls for my birthday. Our conversation is brief and polite, and remarkably void of substance, but it's what we need right now. No drama; an unspoken truce. She might never agree with my choices and I will never, ever back down, but we're at a point where we can work around it, like water flowing around a boulder in a stream.

"I know you won't come home," she says as we're getting off the phone. "But maybe I could come out this weekend. Have dinner or something."

"I'd like that," I say, nodding to myself.

"I'll leave Sam at home," she adds, forcing a chuckle. "It's...easier that way."

Charlie and Sue are disappointed I'm spending my birthday in the city, though. I get out of it by promising to return for Emily's eighth birthday, which is in October. My father still seems a little put out but it placates Sue, who has gone back to acting like nothing ever happened. I have to give credit to her, I suppose. Like Leah, she seems determined to work around my relationship with Edward even though she despises both it and him.

It's amazing how different things are with regard to our families, though. With the Cullens, we're totally accepted and allowed to be ourselves. It's a good thing they're the ones I'll likely end up spending eternity with.

As promised, Leah comes to Seattle the weekend of my birthday. The night she drives down, I admit to her that my dorm is kind of a sham, and that while she and I will be staying in it during her visit, I actually live with Edward in his apartment. She doesn't even try to hide her disgust (I'm not sure what pisses her off more, my living with a vampire or that I've been lying about it) and quickly changes the subject.

Things are strained at first, but eventually Leah and I fall in to our old ways of teasing and talking. It feels different, but it's okay. While she and Edward will never be on speaking terms, and she absolutely loathes my life choices, I think she realizes that my love for him is so solid that there's no point in trying to talk me out of it. He's it for me. Plus, I think Leah and I both know that our time together might be limited. We don't get in to it, but she's hinted that she knows I'll change for him one day, and that when it happens, she and I won't be able to associate anymore.

Instead of dwelling on all that, though, we do the things we always said we'd do when we were in Seattle together. There was a time, not that long ago, when all I'd wanted was to follow her out here, when I'd fantasized about being her college roommate and meeting all of her older, cooler friends. It's amazing how quickly things change, how time rearranges our priorities.

As she prepares to leave on Sunday night, I realize that the knot I've had in my stomach because of our estrangement is gone. I feel freer. Things are far from perfect, but we've agreed to disagree.

Although, it's a pretty epic disagreement. It'll come up again, I'm sure. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

The sidewalks are slick from the afternoon's rain. We walk slowly to Leah's car, which is parked half way down the block.

"So are you ever coming back to school?" I ask, rubbing my arms briskly. Every day is a little colder, a little shorter. Already, darkness rings the sky, closing in quickly.

"Yeah...probably next semester."

"The longer you stay out, the harder it'll be to return," I admonish. "Trust me. I know."

She laughs, nodding. "Yeah, yeah. I'm stuck living the good life in La Push; what can I say?" She unlocks the doors but doesn't get it, leaning against the side so we can talk.

"Can't Sam come back with you?"

She shakes her head. "It's harder for him now. He has a lot more responsibilities lately, now that another elder passed away."

I nod, thinking about what she told me earlier this weekend. There are only two elders left, but the number of young Quileutes who can phase is higher than it's ever been. That's a good thing in terms of keeping their land protected, but it's worrisome. Normally phasing is linked to the presence of vampires, and while there haven't been too many traveling vampires, there are more than before.

The thought gives me the creeps. How many times was I close to a vampire without even knowing? It's possible they never really got that close, because of the Quileute's careful vigilance, but if the Cullens were able to come in undetected on account of their scent-less blood, I have to wonder if there are other things that could make a vampire "invisible". It's unsettling to think about.

I might be at odds with Jake and Leah right now, but I can't help but be grateful for what they do. Someone skateboards by; the sound of the wheels scraping against the sidewalk startles me back in to the moment.

"Well, If it's what you still want, I hope you can come back one day," I say.

"We'll see." She shrugs, and that's the end of that conversation. She doesn't seem as passionate about college as she once did. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. Things change, I guess. Priorities shift. This seems to be a theme.

Leah envelopes me in a quick hug. "I gotta go. Sam's expecting me back soon."

"I'm sure he is," I mutter, hugging back. I used to adore Sam; I want so much to be able to think of him as Leah's affectionate boyfriend, and not the fierce alpha that would love to kill my boyfriend.

"He didn't even want me coming out," she says, opening the car door.

"Yeah, well. He doesn't exactly have a say."

Leah makes a weird face, somewhere between a smirk and a grimace, and tosses her bag in to the backseat of her car. "It's been hard, you know? Tense. He and I are usually on the same page."

Shaking my head slowly, I wrap my arms around myself. I guess I haven't thought much about that. I'm too busy with my own defense to worry about what she might or might not be contending with on account of me.

"Yeah, well. Whatever." She grabs me in another fierce hug; rare because Leah's not the touchy-feely type. "Take care of yourself. If you need me, I'll be here."

I start to nod, but she tugs my hand, gently. "I mean _here._ I'll drive out."

"Okay," I whisper, chewing my bottom lip. "Thanks."

"See you next month?"

I nod. "I'll probably stay the night, head back the next day."

She smiles, a little sadly I think. "See you then."

I watch her pull away from the curb, watch as she gives me a small wave as she disappears around the corner. I feel like I'm always watching people leave lately; I'm always saying goodbye. I suppose this is something I'm going to have to get used to, especially after my change. There will be people, like Leah, Jake and even Emily, that I won't be allowed to see. And then, as time goes on, they'll pass on – as will everyone else I know. The thought sends a shiver through me, colder than the damp September evening.

Somewhere, Edward is watching me. I know this, because he told me once. He's usually lurking just beyond my line of sight, making sure I'm okay. Alice told him he was being a creeper, but I don't feel that way.

Any minute now he'll come for me. We'll retrieve my things from the dorm and then go back to the temporary home we've made together. We'll talk, and I'll tell him things he likely already knows from overhearing or mind reading, and then he'll love me in the shower, against the desk or in our bed.

And I'll know once more, that despite the difficulties, I'm making not just the right decision, but the best, the _only._

* * *

Emily's birthday falls on a Thursday half way through October. Rather than have the birthday party mid-week, my father and Sue celebrate quietly at the house, and then throw a larger get together on Saturday.

The day before I leave, Alice and I scour Seattle for the best and the brightest: fruity lip glosses, jeweled hair clips, glittery nail polishes, bevies of books, and an assortment of tissue wrapped cookies from a designer bakery downtown. I'm probably overcompensating for the fact that I rarely visit, but I want my little sister to know that while I'm not around as much as I used to be, I still love her and...I still _know_ her. We chat from time to time on the phone when I call home, but it's not enough. Edward suggests setting her up on Skype before I leave, so that she and I can talk that way a couple of times a week.

Edward hates that he can't come with me to Forks, but this is something we've got to accept. Our happily ever after is laced heavily with reality: vampire rules, wolf politics, family drama, interspecies feuding...the list goes on. Rather than lament pointlessly, I kiss him goodbye, promise to drive safely, and head out.

While not quite bright, Saturday is at least semi-sunny and dry. A bunch of Emily's friends come with their mothers and siblings, filling the backyard until its overrun by the elementary set. There are a healthy number of babies in attendance, too. When the mother I'm chatting with thrusts her infant in to my arms, mid-conversation, to deal with her oldest's busted lip, it hits me that I will never be a mother.

Not like this, anyway. It's never bothered me before, but I think that's because the notion always seemed so far away. Almost otherworldly.

Unimportant in the face of all that Edward and I deal with on a day to day basis.

But looking at the chubby, pink cheeked cherub in my arms, I allow myself to feel and grieve that this will never be my life. Birthday parties bursting with children. Birthday parties at all. After a certain point, I'll no longer age. The baby grins and drools, tapping my nose with a wet finger. It's pretty heart melting, and for a moment I allow myself to imagine having Edward's children.

It's an impossible dream.

It's a necessary sacrifice.

It takes me awhile, because I'm catching up with my father and taking pictures of Emily and her party, but eventually I realize I haven't seen any of the Quiluetes besides Leah. Usually they'd all be here by now, goofing around and polishing off whatever comes off the grill.

My stomach tightens, and I feel my face warm in anger and embarrassment.

Leaving Charlie with my camera, I stalk over to Leah, who's texting furiously away by the punchbowl. "Can I talk to you for as second?"

"Yeah, hold on." She finishes what she's doing and pockets her phone, looking at me. "What's up?"

"Are they avoiding me?" I ask abruptly.

"Who, Jake and Sam?"

I scoff, folding my arms across my chest. "And Paul and Rachel and everyone else. Why aren't they here? Am I that much of a pariah now?"

"Well, not gonna lie, they're definitely weirded out by your decisions...Paul thinks you've lost it completely...but no. Something happened earlier, so they're down by First Beach."

"What happened?" I press closer, lowering my voice.

Leah glances nervously around, shaking her head. "Don't worry about it."

"Lee."

"It's none of your concern, Bell. Seriously." She averts her eyes, brushing her bangs from her face. "It never was, but now? No way."

Needless to say, there are plenty of things the wolves have kept from me – and everyone else – over the years, but I suppose I'm practically the enemy now. Frowning, I try to tamp down the hurt her words bring.

Leah senses my pain, because she hesitantly slides her arm through mine. "You'll always be my sister. But they don't see it like that."

"But Jake –"

"Not even Jake."

Blinking back tears, I look around the party. The excitement reaches a fever pitch as Sue announces that it's time to sing and cut the cake.

"Come on," she says, leading me to the table where everyone is gathering. "Just forget about it."

Easier said than done.

When the festivities start to wind down, Leah and I help with clean up. I'm tired from being up late the night before, and my old bed's looking pretty good. Kicking my sneakers off, I slip between the sheets for a quick power nap, something to refresh me for the drive back to Seattle.

Sometime later the vibrating and incessant ringing of my cell phone jar me from sleep. I'd only meant to rest briefly, but now, looking at the light outside, I can see that I've been passed out longer than I'd meant to. Disoriented and yawning, I snatch my phone up without bothering to look at who's calling. "Hello?"

"Bella," says Edward, sounding almost relieved.

His voice wakes me right up, and I jolt upright. "Edward? Is everything okay?"

"Where are you? You're still in Forks, right?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Alice had a vision. They're coming..."

"Who?" But even as I ask, I know somehow what he's going to say.

"Several Volturi guards... they're actually closer than we realized. We –"

"I thought you guys said it wasn't an issue, that the Cullens weren't a threat to them," I interrupt, mind racing through every conversation we've ever had about the Volturi.

"We didn't think we were, and maybe we're not, but the point is they're close. Really close. Carlisle says they do this every now and then. They have lookouts everywhere, and sometimes they come out to check on things. Make sure everyone's following the rules," he spits, disgusted. "We don't know if they've been watching us, but it's never good when they're around."

"Does Carlisle keep in touch with them?" I ask. I know that at one point in time, Carlisle lived with the three most powerful vampires in Volterra – and probably the world – Aro, Caius and Marcus. Alice and Jasper say he left them because he wanted to live his life differently, but the separation didn't sound acrimonious.

"From time to time," says Edward. "He didn't know about this, though."

"Maybe they're just..." I trail off, unsure.

"You're not supposed to know about us. No one is," he says. "I just...I don't know. I feel like, if they're here, it's because they know something. We haven't done anything out of the ordinary or against the rules, nothing that would warrant a visit. Nothing except..."

"Me," I whisper, trembling.

"Yeah."

"How close are they?"

"Vancouver as of early this morning...there's another coven up there. A smaller one. Carlisle and Esme's friend, Eleazar, called as soon as the guard left."

My heart bolts from my chest.

"Did Eleazar say what they wanted?"

"How could they know about me?" I ask. Edward and I haven't been subtle about our relationship in Seattle, but I doubt I'm the only human to have hooked up with a vampire. I'm sure it goes on all the time.

"Alice thinks they might have been tipped off...it's a little fuzzy though. She thinks they also might have a shield, someone who can block other vampire's abilities."

"Like your mind reading or Alice's visions," I breathe.

"Exactly."

This would explain why Alice didn't see them coming until it was nearly too late.

"So...it's totally possible they're in Washington already."

"I think so. Carlisle, Esme, Rose and Em are on their way down just in case."

It's both reassuring and alarming to hear that this is important enough for the entire Cullen clan to reconvene. "In case of what?"

"I don't know, Bella," he says, sighing in frustration. "This is all really new to me, too. I don't know."

"Should I still come back tonight?" I ask, dismayed.

"...no." Edward pauses. "You're probably safer where you are."

"I hate being this far away from you," I whisper. My throat closes, and tears burn down my cheeks..

"So do I, but right now you're surrounded by wolves. And they'll stop at nothing to keep their territory secure."

My door swings open. Leah strides in, Sam in tow.

She begins to speak, but Sam touches her arm, silencing her. "What do you know about these vampires, Bella?" he asks.

Lowering my phone, I shake my head. "What?"

"You must know something," he insists, deadly calm.

"Long, black cloaks. Really old school looking," Leah says, shaking Sam off. "Definitely not your precious Cullens, because they're stinking up the forest just outside of Forks."

I bring the phone back to my ear, just in time for Edward to mutter something.

"Did you hear that?" I ask him.

"Yeah...they're much closer than I thought," he says, panicked. "Let me speak to Leah."

"But –"

"Now, Bella!"

Shaking, I thrust the phone at Leah, but Sam intercepts. I'm beginning to like him less and less. Ignorance is bliss; it was better when he was just _Leah's boyfriend_.

"What is it?" he growls at Edward, turning away from us.

Suddenly Leah looks up, her eyes darting to my window. "Shit."

"What?" I cry, jumping out of bed reflexively. I look to the window, too, but it's dark enough that I can't see.

"Jake sent the signal," she says, to me or to Sam, I'm not sure.

"All right," Sam says, still talking to Edward. "Make it happen, then." He gives me back my phone and turns to Leah. "We were right; it isn't random. They're some kind of _royalty._" Sneering, he hooks his fingers in to air quotes.

"What do they want?" Leah asks, glancing back and forth between me and Sam.

He shakes his head. "They don't know. The Cullens are coming, though, so we need to meet with the rest of the tribe, game plan how this is going to work out."

"Yeah, and Jake just sent the signal," Leah repeats, anxious.

Sam nods briskly. "I saw that. We'd better get down there."

"So wait, Edward's coming?" I ask, wringing my hands.

If looks could kill, Sam would have just slayed me. Turning on his heel, he leaves.

Leah rolls her eyes at his douche-bag display. "Ugh. Just...stay here, Bell. Keep your phone close; I promise I'll keep you in the loop, okay?"

"I thought this stuff was none of my business," I say, looking intently at her.

"Well, it is now," she says, turning to leave. "We think..."

"What?" I ask when she hesitates.

"We think they might be here because of you."

My heart drops.

"Keep your phone close." She leaves, and then I'm alone again, more scared than I've ever been, wondering what the night will bring.

* * *

_last March_

My phone chirped, letting me know I had another text. There had been several today alone, so I was pretty sure I knew who this one was from.

I waited until I was safely within the confines of my room before reading the message. Yup, Jake again. He'd been calling and texting like crazy. If this had been any other circumstance, I would have written him off as a stalker or overzealous suitor, but I knew he was just freaking out because we hadn't spoken since _that day_.

I wouldn't talk to him, couldn't. Every time I closed my eyes I saw him as a giant wolf. You just don't recover from something like that, not in the real world. If I was even in the real world. I felt like Little Red Riding Hood, realizing that my hero and the big bad wolf were one and the same.

It was awful.

I didn't know anything about how or why he could force his body to do that, but the fact that such magic existed was more than my mind could handle. I also didn't know what Jake had hoped to accomplish by showing me. He'd said he wanted no more secrets between us, that he longed for us to be closer than close, but this had done nothing but estrange us.

I'd never felt so alone. Betrayed by some, abandoned by others. The sky was grey all the time, the air heavy and damp. I was caught between running away and staying still. The promise of sunshine and denial in Arizona, the assurance of hope and possible insanity here in Forks.

Sue knocked on my door, peeking her head in before I could answer. "Bella?"

"Yeah?"

She held the house phone out. "Jake."

I shook my head, waving. "No."

She nodded, bringing the receiver to her ear. "Sorry, honey. Not right now. Right. Okay."

I watched her disconnect with him, sagging in the doorway. "You want to tell me what happened?"

"We had a fight," I mumbled, hiking my pants up. I'd lost weight. "He's...not the guy I thought he was."

I giggled a little hysterically at my understatement.

She came further inside, resting her hand on my head. "Were you two...?"

"No, no. Nothing like that." I wiped my eyes, brushing new tears away. "Just...I can't talk to him right now. I can't talk to anybody."

I didn't mean to say it like that, but it slipped out anyway. Sue's eyes filled, predictably, with compassion and even a few tears. She pulled me to my feet and hugged me hard. "You can talk to me, Bella. Any time. I know this is a hard time for you...I wish I could do something..."

I gave her a tight squeeze and stepped back. "I'll be okay."

"You're becoming lost," she said quietly, eyes wet and shiny in the dim light.

"I'm not," I said. "I won't."

"Then take a shower," she nodded toward the hall, "and then come and help me with dinner."

Emily joined us right then, wrinkling her nose as she surveyed my room. "It stinks in here. You should open the windows."

Like most kids, Emily was great at distracting me from myself. I snorted in amusement, but Sue batted her lightly on the head. "There's the pot calling the kettle black," she chided. "Your room could use a little pick me up, you know."

"No, she's probably right," I admitted, looking at my window. There were still tape marks on the new glass, smudges from the installation. I tended to avoid it.

Sue squeezed my shoulder. "It's late, Bella. You can always open it up in the morning, when it's light out."

My phone chirped.

Jake.

* * *

_I miss you. I'm sorry._

Shivering beneath my blankets, but too tired to do anything about it, I remained in bed, sensing it again.

_I miss you_

_I'm sorry_

I was dreaming again. Maybe Jake's last text was on my mind, showing up in my subconscious...but somehow I didn't think that was the case. This felt different. It was different.

_Sorry for what?_ I wondered.

_For leaving_

_Leaving?_

_For leaving you_

Shuddering, I tried desperately to claw my way to the surface...but it was too heavy.

* * *

_**(A/N) We're just about full circle now, with the past.**_

_**thanks for sharing your thoughts. reviews are always appreciated, little verbal presents. :) love you guys!**_


	18. Together

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_many thanks, hugs & kisses to my beta nic. i appreciate you, your wit & your time. _

* * *

For a moment, I'm alone.

Panic plays at the edges of my emotions, but I'm determined not to let it smother me. I can't. I have family out there – both vampire and wolf – the least I can do is hold it together here at home.

Clutching my phone, I walk quickly from my room, hoping against hope Charlie and Sue are home. I don't know where else they'd be, but at this point, I feel like anything's possible.

There's a thin strip of light beneath their bedroom door. Exhaling heavily, I sag against the wall opposite in the hallway. _Thank God_.

I don't know what the Volturi are capable of, really, and I have no idea what's going down right now in La Push, but knowing my parents are a couple of feet away makes me feel safer.

Aside from my own personal safety, though, I'm terrified for Edward... as well as Alice, Leah and Jake. They're all either here or on their way, and the knowledge that I might be the reason for this entire upset weighs me down with the heaviest guilt. It's weird being caught in the middle of something that has absolutely nothing to do with me, and yet, it suddenly does.

Rain pelts the side of the house. It's dark and wet outside, such a departure from earlier when we celebrated Emily's birthday in the sunshine. I'm about to double check the front door, to make sure it's locked, when it opens. Gasping a little, I step back.

Jake comes in slowly, water dripping from his hair.

"Got here as fast as I could," he pants, running a hand over his face.

"What...what're you doing here?"

"Patrolling," he says, as if it's the most natural thing in the world. And maybe, in their world, it is.

"Oh. Uh, lemme get you a towel," I offer.

"No, it's cool. I'll have to go back outside in a second anyway; I just wanted to let you know I was here."

Shifting awkwardly, I nod. "Ah. Well...thanks."

"I also wanted to make sure you were okay," he says.

I pause.

"Are you?" he asks, folding his arms. "Really?"

"Not really," I say, shaking my head.

"Bells," he says, crossing the room. He takes my hands, squeezing gently. "It'll be okay. We got this."

His confidence is either complete BS or he's just super naïve.

"I don't want anybody getting hurt," I say, wrapping my arms around myself.

He looks like he wants to roll his eyes.

Okay, maybe I'm the naïve one.

"Yeah, well. What happens, happens," he says. "There's nothing you can do about any of it."

"I know that."

"Good." He nods. "Hopefully this'll all be over quickly and we can return to normal."

I snort, turning to go back to my room. "Yeah, because we're _so_ normal usually."

"Yeah, yeah," he mutters.

"Hey," I call, turning quickly. "How's your girl? Where is she?"

"Staying with a Rachel and a couple of the elders," he says. "She's fine."

He says that, but I wonder how Vanessa really deals with all of this, how she handles his absences and the possibility of danger. It's a rough way to live, and I find myself identifying with her.

The front door opens and shuts, and when I glance back, Jake's gone.

I don't know what to do with myself after that. Each moment that passes with no news brings me back to that dark place I was when Edward was missing. I wander the halls and through the open rooms, gazing at the rain through the windows. TV holds no appeal, and I'm too antsy to read.

But then a text comes through.

_We're here. The wolves are hanging back for now, but we're about to talk to the guards. It looks like there are four, maybe five. _

Nodding to myself, I message him back immediately. _Are Carlisle and Esme here?_

_Yeah, with Emmett and Rose._

Some of the tension in my shoulders and stomach dissipates at the news. I'm glad they're all together, for moral support as well as physical strength. Besides, from what Edward, Alice and Jasper have told me, the Volturi know and respect Carlisle. That's got to mean something.

Closing my eyes, I say a quick prayer before texting Edward back. _Keep me posted? I'm praying for you._

His answer is immediate. _I know. I can feel it._

I don't know what that means, but it makes me feel like he's right beside me.

* * *

I'm no longer a nervous mess, but I'm still too keyed up to sleep so I whittle away the hours by uploading pictures of Emily's birthday party on to the ancient computer in my bedroom. I send them to myself, Leah, Sue and Charlie, reliving the high points of the day as I do so. The process takes awhile, which is good because I need to _not _be thinking of what's going on down at La Push.

The thunderstorm outside gradually peters out until it's barely raining. The wind dies down, too, so all is quiet when my window finally opens. Edward climbs carefully in, his hair and jacket damp from the intermittent rain.

It reminds me of the days he used to sneak in to my room, and I smile sleepily, reaching.

"Hey," he whispers, hugging me and kissing my eyelids. "Let's go."

"Okay," I mumble, voice thick with disuse. I don't even know what time it is or what exactly we're doing, but I figure I need to act now and ask later.

There's no one outside when I pause on the porch to lock up. I feel a little shady taking off in the middle of the night like this, but other than leaving a note on the kitchen table – which I did – there's nothing I can do.

Edward hoists me on to his back. "Hold on."

I close my eyes and grip him tightly. We haven't had to run in a while. I don't know if I'll ever get used to the wind whipping through my hair, or feeling trees pass within inches of my face. It's like flying.

His car idles at the mouth of the road, where our driveway meets the main road. Two other cars are parked nearby, their lights off but engines running.

"Is that...your family?"

"Yeah. The ferries have already stopped running, so we're just gonna stay in Port Townsend tonight."

With a nostalgic, warm ache, I remember the last time he and I were in Port Townsend, back when he was human and we were so, so new. We'd gone to the drive-in movie theater and made out afterwards in the backseat of this very car.

"Remember the drive-in?" I ask.

He nods slowly, smiling a little. "Of course I do."

I allow myself a moment before settling back in to the grimness of right now.

"So, did it...go okay?"

He shrugs, fiddling with the heater. "I guess."

"Where are the wolves?"

"We left them in La Push," Edward says. "Are you cold?"

"Not really." I squint out in to the darkness. "Was Jake with them?"

"Yep," he says, rather curtly. Apparently he and Jacob still hate each other after the confrontation they had in front of my building. Wonderful.

We ride in silence for a minute. In light of all that's happened, putting on music seems forced.

"Are you going to tell me what happened tonight?" I ask eventually.

Running a hand through his hair, he exhales slowly: two of his very human reactions to stress. "We thought they wanted you...you know, because you know all about us...but it turns out it's me they're after. And Alice."

"What?" I gasp. "Why?"

"Because of what we can do. Most vampires have special abilities, some more dramatic than others...the Volturi guard is the cream of the crop. They literally scour the world, looking for the best and the brightest to add to their little collection."

"And they'd love a mind reader and a clairvoyant." The thought is sobering. Edward and Alice might be like family to me, but they're commodities to the Volturi.

"Yeah. I didn't even know they knew about me, but I guess they know everything that goes down among our kind."

I've noticed it before, but especially lately: Edward's loathe to use the word "vampire" unless he absolutely has to. I don't even think it's because he hates what he is, but more because he hates what others like him have done.

"You said no, though, right?" I ask, fidgeting nervously. I never would have imagined that the Volturi's sudden appearance had something to do with Edward.

He scoffs, glancing at me. "Of course I did! They can keep their money and connections and castle."

"They live in a castle?"

"Yeah. Creepy. I wouldn't be surprised if they slept in coffins, too. Freaks."

"Were they upset you guys said no?"

He shrugs. "Well, yeah, but there's nothing they can do about it. They're powerful, but they still abide by the rules. Free will matters, even in our world."

Frowning, I shake my head. "But they live off of human blood. They _kill_ people."

Edward nods solemnly.

"Where's the free will in that?" I ask.

Laughing darkly, he rests his hand on my knee. "Let me restate. They believe in free will among _our kind._ As far as they're concerned, humans are like pets...or livestock."

My heart squeezes at how close I came to being in contact with these monsters. "Where are they now? Have they gone back to Italy?"

"I guess. They've already done everything else they had to do."

I'm not sure I want to know what that entails, so I just stay quiet. Edward seems vigilant, his eyes darting around and taking in our surroundings. The quiet road lulls me to sleep, and I go willingly, holding Edward's hand.

* * *

The oddest sensation pulls me from sleep.

Spinning.

Slow, then fast, and then I'm gaping at the scene before me, clutching at my seatbelt and the door handle. In my peripheral, Edward's hands are stuck to the wheel as he wrangles the car through the spin-out.

We screech to a stop, the smell of burnt rubber seeping through the vents.

"What...?"

Before he can answer me, my door opens – despite the fact I locked it when we got in – and the tallest man I've ever seen yanks me by the ponytail so that my neck is beneath is teeth. The odd angle, half in and half out of the car, forces a cramp up my side.

"Don't move," he says calmly, to me or to Edward, I'm not sure. The grip on my hair tightens, and I gasp in pain.

I don't need to look at Edward to know he's seconds away from murder.

"I thought perhaps you would reconsider when faced with the reality of the situation," the man says. Although, he's not really a man, is he? Besides my hair, he's barely touching me, and yet I can still feel the cold coming off of him. A Cold One, in every sense of the word. My mind races with possibilities, each one worse than the last. If there was any way that I could lose Edward, it could very well be by this being's hands.

"What do you want?" Edward asks, a slight tremble in his voice the only indication he's distressed. Fear prickles over my skin, and my heart beats so hard I feel it thrumming under my skin. Squeezing my eyes shut, I escape inside my mind, focusing desperately on keeping still.

The vampire sighs. "You know what we want. And you know the rules. This," he lowers his mouth to my throat, making Edward shift, "is not the first time, nor the last time, one of us has kept a pet. There is an expiration date, though. This cannot go on. She knows things she shouldn't know. It's the most basic rule and yet the new ones have such a hard time with it."

"We plan to change her," Edward says, his voice quiet.

"That's what they all say. But what happens when she decides she no longer wants to be a part of this? What then? Will you have the strength to do what it takes?"

"It won't come to that."

"Regardless. Come home, and we will reconsider."

"My home is here."

"The insolence and arrogance of youth," the vampire purrs. "Talented or not, keep in mind that you need us more than we will ever need you."

It's all I can do to keep my mouth shut and my body still so I don't piss this guy off any more. I'd thought Edward could be frightening when his instincts took over, but I realize now how much he has always held back, how civilized he and the Cullens are.

"Even so, I've made my choice," Edward says. "Please leave us alone."

"Fool." The vampire tightens his grip a bit more, making me whimper. I reach up reflexively and Edward grabs my hand, but the vampire turns my face so that we're looking in to each other's eyes. His are hard, glittering rubies.

"_Sleep_," he snarls.

It's nothing like the time Edward compelled me. I don't just pass out; I collapse.

* * *

I'm wrenched awake by Edward's voice. Yelling at me.

Thrust violently into consciousness, I try to make sense of what is happening. Edward isn't yelling _at_ me, but he is yelling my name. I'm wet and cold, and my forehead throbs ferociously.

"Bella, Bella," pants Edward, crawling over the gear shift to where I sit. His fingers probe my pulse and my face. Confused, I grab at his hands. "What...what's going on?"

He lets out a half hysterical sob. I've never seen him this way, ever. Not when he was human, and not when he returned as a vampire, mired down in the guilt and despair engendered by his parent's death.

"Edward," I whisper, closing my eyes to the fuzziness in my head.

Voices outside of the car buzz like bees; I think I hear Alice and maybe Carlisle.

"You...they're trying to get to me by using you," Edward whispers, kissing my forehead. "They ran us off the road."

Remembering abruptly what happened, I push at him, trying to sit up. "Oh, my God..."

Our car is facing the wrong direction, and smoke pours continually out of the engine. I see the vampire's face in my mind, shuddering at how close I was to dying by his hand. Besides my scalp, which still smarts from his rough hold, my forehead is throbbing. I touch it, almost expecting to feel blood, but there isn't any.

"Did I hit my head when we spun out?" I ask.

So many emotions flash across Edward's face, but I mostly see rage and terror. "He smacked it against the window."

I touch my head gingerly. "Why?"

"To make a point," he chokes out, scrubbing his hands over his face. "And because he could. Asshole."

Unless he's really pissed, Edward rarely uses language like that – it's just not how he was brought up. I reach out to touch his face, to smooth the troubled line between his eyes, but he pulls away, easing back to the driver's seat. I can almost see him withdrawing, and for a moment I panic deep inside. I can deal with almost anything, as long as I have him.

Trembling, I unbuckle my seatbelt. This road is the last place I want to be right now, but maybe stretching my legs will calm the excess energy pulsing through me.

But before I can, Edward nods to someone outside. I glance over as Emmett opens my door. By the way the metal shrieks and scrapes, it's safe to say the vampire mangled it when he opened it before.

The Cullens surround me, their faces glowing palely against the harsh headlights of the other cars. I wonder where they were when we were attacked; the last I recall all three cars were traveling together. I don't know, I don't. Nothing makes sense. Edward appears beside Emmett, and very gently, lifts me from the car.

"Are you all right?" he asks, his eyes flickering around my face. "Does anything else hurt? Besides your head?"

Touching my head, I wince. "I'm just...tense, I guess. A little achy."

"I can check you out once we get to the house," Carlisle says, patting my shoulder as he walks away.

"Are we going to your old house?" I ask Edward, yawning.

"No...we're too far away now," he murmurs, carrying me to Esme, who's setting up the backseat of their Mercedes for me. "And anyway, Forks is the absolute last place I want to be right now with all those damn wolves."

"But I thought you guys worked together..."

"We did, but it wasn't pleasant. They wanted us gone...my days of sneaking around undetected are over."

Closing my eyes again, I sag sleepily in his arms. I'd fostered hopes of a polite alliance between the Cullens and the Quileutes, at least for my sake, but I see now how unrealistic that is.

"So where in Port Townsend are we going?" I ask. "Did you guys get a hotel or something?"

Edward slides me in to the backseat, accepting a blanket from Esme that he puts over my lap. "Carlisle and Esme got a place there for the night."

I don't bother asking how they'd gotten "a place" with such short notice. If there's anything I've learned about this family, it's that they have enough money, connections and compulsion to do what they want, when they want.

Must be nice.

"Sit tight," Edward says, shutting the door. I watch him rejoin the others, who are huddled together like a football team of which Carlisle is the coach. Being left out of the planning sucks, and for a moment I resent my frailty as a human. I've never felt this way before. I've fantasized about being with Edward forever, no matter what it takes, but I've never actually disliked my humanity. I'm a liability, an albatross Edward has to drag around. But my emotions are running high right now, and I really can't trust my reactions to the things happening around me.

Shivering, I pull the blanket up and over me. The light from our cars extends only so far, and beyond this illuminated piece of road, the forest looms darkly. It's more terrifying than it's ever been, now that the creepy unknown presence has an identity, and it's anything but innocuous.

The car door opens, startling me.

"Just me," Edwards says, getting in. "I'm going to help Emmett and Jasper take care of my car... you're going to head back with Carlisle and –"

"No." I grab his arm. "No. I'm staying with you."

"Bella..."

"I'm going with you," I repeat firmly.

"I won't be here long, I promise. You're just as safe with them as you are with me. I trust them."

Breathing evenly through my nose, I try not to panic, I really do... but it doesn't work. It doesn't matter that he was with me when the attack happened...what matters is that he stay with me _now_.

"No! I don't want you out here, and I don't want to be apart from you!" I cry.

"Okay, okay," he says, visibly alarmed at my tears. Since he returned from Brazil, I haven't had much reason to cry. He slides closer so he can hold me, kissing my face. "Shh. I'll go with you."

Nodding against his chest, I close my eyes. "Let's just stay together."

* * *

We lay in bed long after the sun rises.

Long after the words have run out, and my tears have dried. My body aches. In some places, like my forehead, it's obviously a result of the "accident". The rest of me, though, hurts from the tension I held in my body for hours and hours.

And my heart. I'm worried, afraid that my heart will be taken from me again, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I hate feeling so out of control. The weight of the situation is crushing, and it's almost hard to breathe.

I'd thought that Jake and the wolves finding out about me and Edward was bad, that things had blown up in our faces _then_. And in a way, they did.

But nothing prepared me for the Volturi. Oh, how I wish I had nothing but the Quileute wolves to worry about. Instead, they're allies. Reluctant allies, but on our side just the same. Our true enemies are a much darker, more nefarious bunch than I'd ever imagined.

This is life and death. For real this time. Like an ostrich, I've had my head in the sand, playing house with Edward and ignoring the consequences of our actions. I'd truly thought that love was enough, that we could get through anything so long as we had each other.

Very idealistic, very sweet.

And very, very stupid.

A tear runs down my face. It's not the first; Edward has given up on trying to catch them with his thumb.

Earlier, when we got to the house in Port Townsend, Esme showed us to the bedroom, offering to make me tea. I'd wanted nothing more than to be with Edward though, and she'd understood. We got in to bed, not bothering to take off anything but our shoes, and I asked him to explain everything, to give it to me straight, with nothing left out.

He told me tales of red-eyed fiends who hunted human prey, who collected others like themselves, who gave no thought to anything but the preservation of their wealth, their traditions, and their power. He had glossed over these things before, as had Carlisle, Jasper and Alice, but now he spared no details, painting pictures of just how brutal the Volturi could be. I finally, truly understood why Carlisle left all those centuries ago.

If the Cullen's way of life represents the most civilized and humane, their Italian "royalty" embodies its carnal, demonic counterpart. Feeding frenzies, orgies of sex and blood, a "court" system where their very own are executed with little fanfare...

By any means necessary, those vampires with the most useful gifts are brought in to the fold, assuring their obedience, loyalty and service.

The Three that rule over the Volturi, Aro, Marcus and Caius, do so with an iron fist. Edward tells me Aro killed off his own sister, simply because she was Marcus' mate, and they had decided to go their own way. Marcus never found out that Aro was behind the death of his love, and apparently he's been a shell of his former self ever since.

If this is the sort of treachery that can happen at the top of the food chain, it's no surprise I was almost slaughtered on the road earlier. I'm nothing, nobody; inconsequential. Nothing but a bargaining tool with regard to Edward, a young vampire with exceptional talent.

I can't picture him around these creatures. They represent everything he's not.

Now, after spending the hours in hushed discussion, I'm tired of talking. Eyes locked on one another, Edward and I have whole conversations now without our voices. He traces his fingertips over my hairline, across my knuckles, anywhere he can reach.

"I love you," I say, closing my eyes.

"I know." He shifts closer, pushing his leg between mine, our cold, stiff jeans between us. "I love you, too."

"You're going to have to go there, aren't you?"

That had been the message. If we thought we could avoid the call or hide, we were fools, just as the vampire had said earlier.

I open my eyes when he doesn't respond. He's gazing at me, his eyes heavy and dark, even in the burgeoning pink light that softens the room.

"I think so."

"Will they listen to you? Will they allow you to refuse?"

He shakes his head slightly. "I don't know."

"Will you let me come?" I ask, bracing myself for his denial.

"Of course not." He scowls, flipping on to his back.

Not willing to argue with him now, and too tired to, I let my eyes close again.

I'm just so tired.

* * *

For the first couple of weeks, there is no mention of the inevitable.

Life goes on as usual, classes, homework and coffee dates for me, research, paperwork and late night hunts with Jasper for him. The evenings are still ours, and they start blessedly earlier now that autumn is upon us. Our lovemaking has a new intensity, with our future as blurry as it is. Every time is the last time, and the best time. I push myself until I literally, physically can't – the physical affirmation of what beats inside my heart – and he lets me, as greedy to receive it as I am to give it.

And then, one frigid, wet afternoon that smells like snow, I come home to an empty house.

Somehow, I sense it the second I step foot inside. The condo just _feels_ empty.

Dropping my bag and keys on the table by our door, I walk slowly from room to room, proving to myself what I already know.

Our bedroom is the last room, and I collapse on to the bed there, shuddering with tearless sobs.

Alice lets herself in with the key she keeps for emergencies; it's the first time she's ever had to use it.

The bed dips as she settles on to it, and, a moment later, I feel her cool hand rest between my shoulder blades.

She doesn't pretend not to know why I cry, and I don't ask her if she knows where he is.

Eventually I roll over and look her in the eye, slightly surprised at the wan expression on her face.

"What is it?" I ask, squeezing her knee.

"I was supposed to go with him," she says, eyes darting away. "I wanted to go with him, get it over with, be supportive. I mean, they've wanted me for years, you know?" She shakes her head. "But he told me to stay with you. Jasper went instead."

My hurting hurt breaks just a little more, and I sit up. There's not much to say. I wish I understood, but I don't. I mean, on a purely intellectual level, I suppose I get what's going on, but emotionally I've been left behind. I'm still on this morning, when Edward loved me so slowly and so tenderly it made me want to cry. I'm still on the spontaneous vows he made last week, whispered to me while watching the sunrise from our building's roof after an all-nighter.

I'm still on our last kiss, our first kiss, and every kiss that's happened in between.

In the grand scheme of our entire relationship, there just isn't room for yet _another _absence, another time of loss.

It's just as bad for Alice, who has been with Jasper longer than I've been alive.

"I wish he'd told me he was going," I say, trying to harden my heartache in to anger. Being mad is a lot more manageable. "I thought we were past this."

"He did tell you he was going," Alice gently reminds me. "He just didn't say exactly when. It's how he operates."

"Well, I hate it."

"I know." She sighs. "I do, too."

"How long, do you think?"

"I don't know...I can't imagine why it would take long. It's a pretty straight forward process."

"What do you mean, 'process'?" I ask.

"He's asking for an official pardon. The Volturi are pompous jerks like that; they like running this like some sort of a monarchy." She pauses, screwing up her face. "Triarchy? Whatever you'd called a country ruled by three."

Smiling ruefully, I gesture for her to continue.

"Anyway, Edward's refusal is bad enough without him adding insult to injury by not even going when summoned. Hopefully, he and Carlisle can butter them up."

"Carlisle went, too?" I ask, hope blossoming in my heart. But of course he went, I realize. Edward is his charge, his _son_.

Alice nods. "He knows the politics of the place...and they actually listen to him, so..."

Outside, snow begins to fall. I haven't seen it in a couple of years, though this appears to be just a flurry. It's normally one of my most favorite sights, and I rise, walking to the window, where I press my hand against the glass.

My face burns, and then tears roll silently down my cheeks.

Because everything is more beautiful when Edward's here, and now he's gone.

I won't sit here on my behind, twiddling my thumbs and waiting.

He left me once, and I nearly lost him for good.

He left me again, and I had to chase him to Forks to make sure he was okay.

Leaving me a third time, though? Edward must be out of his damn mind.

Anxiety and anger swirl through my very marrow, setting me on edge. I love him, but he's got to stop acting without including me. I know he had to go to Volterra. _I know._ I get that the circumstances demanded he act swiftly and in his – and my – best interests...but leaving this abruptly, and in secret, does nothing but worsen an already horrible situation. For me, anyway. It hurts me, and pisses me off. It seems self absorbed and almost cowardly, like he's trying to avoid dealing with my emotions.

As head over heels as I was for him the summer we met, I never could see any flaws, even when I actually tried to look. He was always so thoughtful and romantic, sexy and sweet. By now, though, the honeymoon period has come to its natural close and we're well aware of each other's negative traits. This is a perfect example; Edward always thinks he knows best. He might do things out of love and a sincere desire to protect me, but in doing them he still disregards me and my feelings.

But that's okay because this time I'm doing what I feel is right.

* * *

Alice walks back in to our place as I print my boarding pass.

She's already packed, and so am I. We haven't discussed this, but she saw me deciding a couple of hours ago and I figured she'd want to join me, so here we are.

"Have you told Charlie?" she asks.

"Nope." Rubbing my eyes tiredly, I see my father in my mind's eye. I can't drag him in to this, even though keeping it from him sucks. "I'm hoping we'll be back soon. Really soon."

"We probably will," she agrees. Thank God for Alice. Even her voice is soothing. It's also comforting knowing she has special insight into what might happen, and that she can warn me if I"m going astray.

"Did you print yours already?" I ask, carefully folding my travel itinerary and boarding pass in to my wallet.

"No, not yet," she says, leaning against the wall. "I was going to do it at the airport, actually...one of those kiosks."

"You can do it here, if you want. Might save us time."

"Okay." We switch places at the computer. "You called a cab, didn't you?"

Glancing at the clock, I nod.

"Cancel it. I can get us there quicker."

She's right. We get to the airport in half the time a cab would've taken, though not without some white knuckling on my part. Alice swings in to a providentially close parking space, shoving the ticket in to her cavernous purse.

She looks at me. "Ready?"

I'm not really; this is so much crazier than chasing Edward to Forks, and so much scarier, but I shrug and nod.

The snow has worsened, but thankfully not to the point of impeding travel. We check in and hike to the gate we'll be leaving from, not speaking, but I can tell we're sharing the same thoughts. Night falls rapidly, and then our flight is being announced over the speaker system. My stomach is in knots as we queue up with the other passengers. Besides a cheapo cruise to the Bahamas with Renee when I was thirteen, I've never been out of the country.

Now I'm finally going abroad, and I'm so bitten up by anxiety and stress that I feel like I might throw up. Alice gives my arm a quick squeeze, gently prodding me along.

"Nothing's been decided yet," she whispers. "That's good."

I flash my ID and boarding pass at the airline employee checking them, and then wait for Alice before answering. "Nothing's been decided on Edward's part, or on...theirs?"

"Theirs," she says. "He's already seen them."

"Already?" I ask, shocked. "How?"

"He left soon after you went to class today, and headed to the castle in Volterra the second he got off the plane."

"When did he decide?" I ask quietly, scanning the row numbers for our seat assignment.

"Early this morning."

I nod, remembering how he woke me with pre-dawn kisses, gentle and insistent as he rolled me over...

Alice touches my arm, guiding me in to our row. She hands me a little pill, and I take it, looking at her questioningly.

"Just to help you sleep," she says, shoving our bags in to the overhead compartment. "It's going to be a long flight."

* * *

Jarred awake by the plane meeting the runway, I rub my eyes and yawn. I'm not as groggy as I thought I'd be, but I do have to pee. Badly.

Unfortunately, this is not the time to do it. We taxi through an early morning fog and de-board promptly, following our fellow passengers out in to Rome's Leonardo Da Vinci International. There are a couple of smaller airports closer to Volterra, but this one had the best fares. And the coolest name, although, according to Alice, most people still refer to it as Rome Fiumicino Airport. She's totally babbling to distract me from the enormity of what we're doing, and I let her. It's sort of, maybe working.

Alice has been here many times over the years, and she expertly weaves through the terminal, keeping our arms linked so that she can pull me along. She's fast for someone so short, but then again, she's superhuman.

_Supervampire. Whatever._

It's apparent by the absurdity of my thoughts that I'm over-tired, jet-lagged and burnt out despite sleeping through most of our flight. This is all so very surreal, and I take a back seat in my own mind, watching as Alice uses her fluency in Italian and fat bank account to secure us a rental. We hurry out to the cars, finding our bright red Ferrari with ease. I gape at it, then her.

"Was this really necessary?"

"I need something that hugs the roads, Bella," she says, snatching my bag and tossing it in to the backseat. "You want to get there today, right? Get in."

"I didn't even know they rented these out," I mutter, clicking my seatbelt on.

"Anything is rentable, for a price," she says sweetly, sliding the key in to the ignition. Our car starts with a smooth purr. We reverse slowly out of the space and then out of the parking lot, at which point Alice accelerates. _A lot._

The city and subsequent countryside are probably breathtaking, but I wouldn't know because I keep my eyes shut for most of the way.

Eventually I see it in the distance.

Volterra looks like a fairy tale, an ancient, walled city made of stone, set on grassy, rolling hills. It's nothing like the places I've been, the sprawling urban layout of Phoenix, the cozy small town of Forks, or the bustling metropolis of Seattle. This is completely new to me, and for a moment, I'm overwhelmed by the beauty of it.

Alice hasn't let up since we left the airport back in Rome, stopping only to get gas and let me use the bathroom when it became unbearable. She slows down as we approach the city gates, adjusting her sunglasses and giving me a pair of my own.

"What's this?" I ask, slipping them on.

"Anonymity is important," she says cryptically. "Although...there's a chance they already know we're here."

"Do you think...can Edward hear your thoughts?" I ask, staring out at the cobblestone streets. Traffic is a lot heavier than I expected, although I suppose Alice would've known, and we slow to a crawl.

"Probably." She wrenches the sports car in to the first space she can find. Judging by the sign, I doubt we're supposed to park here, but I'm not arguing. All I want is to make contact with Edward. Now that we're here, my annoyance with him has faded, leaving me just ...worried. Volterra doesn't seem that big, but not knowing where he is makes it feel huge.

Alice grabs my hand, pulling me on to the sidewalk. "We'll come back for the bags. For now let's just...do what we came to do."

Tourists teem in the streets, clogging up the arched alcoves and alleyways as they sight-see and shop. "Is it always this busy?" I ask, looking around.

"Not usually, but there's a festival this weekend...people come for that. The parade's tomorrow, actually..." She halts abruptly.

Shading my eyes, I follow her gaze to the clock tower across the plaza, but because of her glasses, I can't tell if she's actually looking at it or having a vision. I wait quietly, chewing my lip. Suddenly she focuses on at me, opening her mouth to speak.

Arms grab me from behind, lifting me effortlessly from where I'm standing. Before I can even scream, I'm tucked in to a shadowed corner. There's a scuffling sound, and then Alice is beside me, sunglasses gone and eyes ablaze as she stares behind me.

I'd know these arms anywhere, though. Trembling from the scare but also in relief, I turn to face Edward, already sliding my arms around him. But he holds me away, though, and as my eyes adjust to the lack of light, I see how angry he is.

"How could you bring her here?" he growls to Alice. "Knowing how dangerous it is?"

Shocked, I shrink back. "I —"

"She was going to come on her own, Edward. I came to keep her safe," Alice interrupts, her voice calm despite the scowl on her face.

"Why?" he whispers, shaking me. "I told you not to come, Bella. I told you it wasn't safe!"

"Because I'm tired of you leaving me behind. We – we're together," I stammer, caught off guard. I hadn't expected this reaction from him, although now that we're here, I'm totally second guessing myself. "You left without saying goodbye."

He looks so distraught, and angry. Letting go of me, he pulls at his hair instead. "This is so bad. So bad."

"Why?" I cry, trying not to panic.

"I don't want you close to them," he says. "This is way too close. The second you stepped foot in Volterra they knew you were here." He glances at Alice. "Both of you."

Alice nods, folding her arms. "I know."

Wiping at my wet cheeks, I shake my head. "I'm sorry..."

"Oh no, don't be sorry," a new voice coos, dripping with false sympathy.

Three cloaked figures stand at the end of the alley; how they got there, I have no idea. A petite blonde, flanked by two large males, come toward us, almost looking as if they're floating. It's hard to tell, but I think one of them might be the vampire who accosted us outside of Forks.

My heartbeat quickens, and in an instant, Edward has me behind him.

"She has nothing to do with this," he says.

"She has everything to do with it," the girl replies, her red eyes glowing even in the dimness. "And Aro would very much like to be introduced."

* * *

_the middle of last March_

Sometimes I wonder if I'm losing my mind.

It's weird and quite possibly insane, but tonight I feel…_exposed_.

I should have worn something heavier, warmer—not pajamas, and certainly not flip flops. It's wet, chilly, and the consistent _thwack thwack _of my shoes on the pavement is obnoxious against the nighttime hush. I wrap my arms tightly around myself, fisting my keys so they don't jangle so harshly.

The narrow concrete path goes on forever, meandering darkly through shadows before reemerging in to artificial light, courtesy of the lamps Charlie installed a few summers ago. This footpath is what connects the guesthouse to the mailboxes out by the main road, and I know its curves and spider web cracks better than the back of my hand. I've wandered it every day of every summer since I was six and, now that I'm living here full time again, I'll walk it even more.

My nightly sojourn to the mailboxes used to be leisurely, but these days things are…different.

Subtle but certain, it's back...this creepy feeling. It's the feeling of turning out the light and walking down the hall and just _knowing_ something's there in the dark. The woods make me feel this way, and that saddens me because those woods used to be home. I played in them all the time as a kid but now? No. And damn it's been bad lately, at its worst when the day's light is fading, twilight smothering the last bits of afternoon sun.

Whatever _it _is, it's palpable tonight, thick and silent; even the normal evening sounds of rustling trees and voices drifting from the guesthouse are gone.

It's followed me for months–ever since that summer ended, taking everybody I loved along with it.

Ever since the night I awoke to breaking glass, to blood-soaked sheets.

My mind wanders back to that night, and the months leading up to it, constantly. I live life just fine on the surface, but underneath and on the inside I mull over it incessantly, a nonstop train of thought chugging sluggishly through my brain. It's living two lives at once, my body and mind in a constant state of disconnect. I help Sue wash dishes while mourning the sound of Edward's laugh. Wiping down the front desk and feeling phantom fingers trailing over my skin.

Even if I _could_ imagine away the details of that night, nothing erases the frank and tangible things: hospital bills in a neat stack on my father's desk, the vigilance and concern etched across Sue's face.

I make it to the mailboxes, squinting as I poke around. The light out here has gone out again; I wonder if Charlie knows. Once again, there is nothing for me. Catalogs, bills, and a flyer from a pizza place; I tuck them beneath my arm and try to tamp down the disappointment. It's been weeks since I got a postcard from Leah.

And nothing from Edward. Nothing about Edward.

Edward.

The only thing that hurts more than his being gone is knowing that, at some point, I'm going to have to let go.

I go back up the way I came, half jogging as the rain starts to fall heavy. Back past the cottages at the end of our property, the picnic tables beneath the evergreens, Charlie's shed.

The creepy feeling dissipates. It happens suddenly, like the rain has something to do with it. Comfort smells like laundry and supper begin drifting out from the windows around me. Normal things, good things. My nerves un-fray and I slow, soothed and safe. This place belongs to me, and I to it.

"Bella." Sue's standing on the porch, eyeing my damp clothes. "Come inside."

* * *

_and with that we come** full circle.**_

_so,** no more flashbacks**. and, as you can probably see, we're in the home stretch here._

_sorry this chapter took so long; you've been an incredibly supportive, understanding, encouraging bunch and i appreciate that so very much. between contests (i'm judging for the Truly Anonymous as well as this year's Age of Edward) and a super ambulatory 9 month old Tiny Tyrant...i've been pulled in many directions. but it's all good in the hood. _

_love! i love you! and reviews are love, so leave me some. _

_xoxo_


	19. Ultimatum

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic, always. i'm blessed to know her._

* * *

Edward clears his throat, his grip on my arm tightening slightly. "That won't be necessary, Jane."

Jane clasps her hands primly, regarding him like a parent would a wayward child.

"I'll come back with you; just...let Bella leave. Please."

I bristle at his request even as I find myself grateful for it. Part of me wants to stay by his side – it's the very reason I came – but I'm not stupid. I know I'm in over my head, here. This is a world I know very little about, despite the stories the Cullens have told me. Every second I'm here, I realize how little I actually understand about the dynamics of the Volturi. Before, I'd assumed that they were civil amongst their own kind. That obviously changed when Felix smashed my head against Edward's car window, and now I'm seeing that perhaps he was less of an exception and more the rule. Perhaps it's the Cullens who are the exception.

Jane steps forward, eyeing me disdainfully before returning her focus to Edward. "I don't think you understand. This is not about negotiation, it's about compliance."

Edward gasps suddenly, as if he's in pain. Startled, I clutch his shirt, but he relaxes almost as quickly as he tenses. Adrenaline pulses through me, leaving me shaky. Confused and nervous, I look back to Jane, but she just smiles serenely back at me.

"Are things clearer now?" she asks, her sweet, childlike voice echoing against the stone walls we stand between.

_No, the hell they're not._

"Crystal clear," Edward grunts, adjusting our arms so that they're linked.

I notice that Alice stays quiet during the exchange. Following suit, I try to shrink in to the background, not wanting to call any additional attention to myself. That's probably futile though; I'm sure my heartbeat is quite audible to everyone else.

"Good." Jane motions to the vampire to her left; he's definitely the one who attacked us on the road back in Washington. "Stay behind them, Felix. We don't want another situation."

I flinch as he passes, my heart in my throat.

Flanked by Edward and Alice, I follow the Volturi guards deeper in to the darkness. Just a few feet behind us, out in the street, people laugh and talk, none the wiser about what goes on in the dark alleyway. The sounds of their gaiety fade slowly away as we start to descend down a gently sloping hallway. A heavy sounding door grates and then closes behind us, shutting us in to wherever we are. The sound triggers a wave of claustrophobia, and I falter, grasping Edward a little tighter, but he's already heard the quickening of my heart. He's already holding me closer, his body curved protectively around mine as we walk.

The only sounds down here are my breathing and the shuffling of my feet. Of course; I'm the only one alive enough to make noise. The reality of where I am and who I'm with tightens like a noose, leaving me near breathless with regret.

While I'm not sorry for following my instincts and my heart, I am sorry for putting myself, Edward and Alice in this situation. What seemed logical back in Seattle is glaringly stupid now that I'm here, and I wonder what Alice knows, why she willingly allowed me to make this seemingly foolish decision. Perhaps she knew this was something I had to do, regardless of the consequences? Maybe she knows that things will work out in the end. I cling to this thought like an emotional buoy, hoping that it's the case. Besides, all I can do now is focus on staying alive, not making things worse than they already are.

Easier said than done.

My mind races, possibilities and questions coalescing in to a wild torrent of thought. What could Aro possibly want with me –what has he heard, and how does he even know me? Then again, Edward did say once that the Volturi are aware of all that goes on in their world... so maybe that includes me, now, by association. The vampire who attacked us – Felix, I think – must have told Aro something about Edward and me. How close we are. Maybe Aro wants to meet the plucky, silly little human who would follow her vampire boyfriend halfway across the globe to make a point.

Because that's what I meant to do, wasn't it?

I shudder at the trajectory of my thoughts, trying not to slide in to self loathing because it's a pointless emotion. And anyway, it's too late for that. If I'm to survive this, I must clear my mind of sentimental debris, focusing on the now, and not the what-ifs or maybes.

The walkway curves continually, as if we're walking down a winding pathway, a spiral staircase without steps. The air grows heavier, almost wet, giving the space a very gloomy feel. It's completely black now, and I rely on Edward to steer me safely.

All of a sudden Jane and her companions stop.

A bright rectangle of light appears in front of us, an open door leading in to a long, white hallway illuminated by fluorescent lighting.

Surprised, and a little relieved to be leaving the tunnel, I glance up at Edward, but he remains tense. He looks down at me, shaking his head slightly, as if asking me not to say anything. Behind us, Felix gives an impatient sigh, forcing us in to the hallway.

We walk only a couple of steps before being herded on to an elevator. Edward and Alice keep me between them, but there isn't much room. Felix brushes by, his cold skin and reptilian smile chilling me from the inside out. By the smirk on his face, he knows it, too.

I don't know what I'm expecting when the door opens, but it's certainly not a waiting room. Tasteful art decorates the light colored walls, and a gorgeous human woman sits behind the desk, smiling pleasantly. I'm shocked at both her presence and the normalness of the place. This looks a doctor's office, not vampire headquarters.

"Jane," she says, nodding at the slight, cloaked girl leading the way. "Felix, Demetri. Go on in; they're waiting."

"Thank you, Gianna," Demetri says. It's the first time I've heard him speak, and he seems somehow nicer than his cohorts.

Meanwhile, I cannot understand why a human would willingly work here. She obviously knows what's going on in this place; why isn't she afraid? As we leave the room, I glance curiously back at her, right in time to catch her gazing lustfully at Edward. It's weird, backwards, like she's the hunter and he the prey.

It's hard to think about her, though, when we're walking in to what feels like death. My heart is pounding so hard, and I'm almost chattering, but not from cold. The fact that anything could happen here – _anything at all_ – grips me tightly, and if not for Edward nudging me along, I'd freeze right where I stand. I'd thought I'd felt felt fear in the forests of Forks, but that was nothing compared to this.

Cavernous and dark, the room we've just entered is round, as if we're inside of a castle. And, in fact, we probably are. The ceiling is so tall and the lighting so dim, that the walls disappear in to the shadows. Groups of people...vampires by their perfect faces and faceted skin...stand around, talking in hushed tones. In the very center of the room sit three throne-like chairs on a slightly elevated platform.

The Three.

I remember the stories of Aro, Caius and Marcus with a sickening jolt. My fear pinnacles and I jerk to a stop, my instincts kicking in belatedly. Edward stands behind me, his arms locked around me as if he is my armor.

In a way, he is.

"Edward!" The man in the middle chair cries, rising from his seat. He claps his hands, beaming beatifically at us. "You've returned as quickly as you promised. Such a trustworthy young man. And you've brought Alice. It has been far too long, pet." He caresses her arms gently. "Tell me. Have you changed your mind?"

"I'm afraid not, Aro," she replies, patting his hand. I know Alice, and she's being patronizing, but Aro seems to delight in her touch.

"That's not what I want to hear," he chides, sighing, "...but I have a wealth of both time and patience. I can wait." He winks at her as if they share a secret. It gives me the creeps.

His rubescent eyes suddenly light upon me, and he holds his hands to his chest, as if he's in awe. "Bella. Edward's Bella."

Frozen, I watch him come closer. He could be beautiful, I suppose. He probably once was. But his skin is so thin it's almost papery, the pallor of it pasty, not creamy like the Cullen's. I wonder when he last saw the sun.

"I have heard so much about you," he nearly whispers, searching my face. He offers both hands, extending them in welcome. Alice's words come back to me..._he reads minds, like Edward. But he has to touch you to do it... _I look to Edward for a cue, but he just nods in resignation.

Hesitantly, I allow Aro to take my hands. He grins at me. "Tell me, how was your flight?"

Chit-chat feels inappropriate, but I play along. "It was okay. Thank you."

His eyes flicker to our hands, his hold tightening almost imperceptibly. "I'm surprised you didn't come with Edward."

"I...plans changed," I say as neutrally as I can manage.

He gives my hands one last squeeze before gently dropping them. Again, he looks me dead in the eye. "Interesting...and just as I thought. Edward, please come."

Any lingering conversations now die down completely, and the silence in the room is heavy, significant.

Edward steps to my side, and, without prompting, offers his hands to Aro. Puzzled, I look back and forth between them before looking around the room.

My heart leaps in my chest when I see Carlisle and Jasper standing just a few feet away. I don't know how I missed them before; I was probably too afraid to really look. Jasper winks at me before lowering his eyes, but Carlisle gives me a broad, reassuring smile. I'm so glad they're here, especially Carlisle. If there's anyone who can vouch for us and keep us safe at all, it's him. He's got history and influence with the Three, and that might be the difference between life and death.

Suddenly Aro laughs, a high pitched giggle that's startlingly out of place in all of this foreboding murkiness.

"Don't be too hard on the child," he says to Edward, who flinches. It's obvious that Aro's responding to thoughts he sees inside Edward's head, and I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would be. It's violating, actually, and I shiver, glad he didn't call me out on my thoughts. But then he continues. "She simply made things a little easier, Edward. What will be, will be. You must know that."

Edward shrugs, shaking his head. "It's just not necessary for her to be here. She doesn't belong here."

"Oh, but she does, she does." Aro cocks his head, smiling as he draws me closer so that I'm practically on top of Edward. "You realize she's a shield, don't you?"

"What?" asks Edward, but I think his innocence at the question might be forced.

Meanwhile, _my_ innocence is genuine: what the hell is a shield? And why does Aro think I'm one?

"Jane," Aro says, raising his hand. "Come, love."

"Yes, Master." She glides over and simpers at his side.

"Please." He gestures toward me, and then Jane's eyes are on me, staring intently as if she's shooting invisible lasers. Edward lets out a strangled cry, lunging at her, but Felix is already on top of him. He slams Edward to the ground, and the whole room trembles with the force of it.

Horrified, I watch as thin cracks spread across his face, as if he's made from fine china. My stomach lurches, and I fall to my knees, screaming.

"Stop! Please!"

Glassy eyed, Edward takes my hand. "Bella...are you...are you okay?"

Wiping my face of tears, I shake my head. "What? I'm fine– are _you _okay?"

"Yeah...just give me a minute." And then, right in front of my eyes, the cracks diappear as his body heals itself. It just might be the weirdest, most awe-inspiring thing I've seen him do. Shaken, I sit back on my heels.

"Just as I thought," announces Aro, bringing everyone's attention back to him. "Bella is a shield."

"What...what does that mean?" I ask, looking up.

"It means, my dear, that you are not affected by most vampire gifts. By all means, Jane's ability to mentally inflict pain should have had crushed you, but you behaved as if you felt nothing."

_Ah, so that's what the little bitch did to Edward back in the alleyway._

I don't know why it surprises me that Aro would use such means to prove his suspicion, but it does. His previous friendliness means nothing; he's just as cruel and crazy as Jane and Felix. Feeling more than ever as if I'm standing in the lion's den, I stand, keeping my voice low. "I _did_ feel nothing."

"I know. I couldn't get a read on you, either." He seems pleased. "And if you are a shield, you can learn not only to block _all_ powers, such as compulsion, but also to project it, protecting those around you. You would be a wonderful addition to our...family." He taps his chin, his eyes taking a far away gaze. "I'd thought that simply having you in Volterra would have made it easier for Edward to adjust, but I now see that you would bring gifts of your own to the table."

While it's a huge relief to not feel the effects of all of these powers, it's also confounding. I've never been that special, never excelled in sports or academics; I always did well simply because I worked really hard. To discover that I might be gifted in this way, shifts my world. I'm stunned.

I don't know what Aro means by having me be in his family, though. Would I be like that secretary we saw, Gianna? "I...don't understand."

"Of course she doesn't," mutters Felix, striding away. "She's a sniveling idiot."

_Ugh, this guy's a prick_. He might hate me but damn it – I hate him, too. I wasn't awake when he hurt me back in the States, but watching him throw Edward down just now made me hot inside.

Aro ignores him, though. "You have before you a choice. Either you agree to our way of life, or you die here." He pauses for effect, no doubt enjoying himself. "You see, Bella, the law demands it. You know too much, and you are a liability. It would be imprudent to allow you to stay this way, but you seem to have potential abilities that could further manifest if you were to become a vampire...so I am offering you an alternative to death."

My breath catches as Edward returns to my side, apparently having recovered. A pregnant pause fills the room, Aro's last words echoing. His offer – well, it's more of an ultimatum – is not completely out of left field. Edward and I have discussed these very things before, just never in this context. If I have to choose, I choose life as a vampire, but I always thought I'd have more time. This is too abrupt. There are so many loose ends I want to tie up with regard to my human life, and knowing that I might not have that luxury, terrifies me.

I know what I must choose, but it's difficult to speak. Over and over Aro's words tumble though my mind.

"Look at you," sneers Jane, turning to me. "What is it they say nowadays? Like a deer caught in the headlights? Hm. What did you think would happen, coming here like this? Did you really think you could steal in to our city, racing full tilt in to the mouth of the demon, to then leave without consequence? We should let you be eaten anyway, just for that. Felix is right; you're too stupid to become immortal."

"That's enough, Jane," Aro says mildly. Oh, his gentility is definitely just for show. He allows others to do his dirty work, even uttering the nasty things he'd like to say.

Regardless, Jane's rude little tirade hits a chord. She's right: I should have known that coming to Volterra would equal a death sentence. Overwhelmed, I step backward and in to Edward's arms. He stays quiet, as well, and I wonder what he hears in the thoughts of the vampires surrounding us.

In the middle of the room, Caius rolls his eyes and examines his nails, the picture of ultimate boredom. Marcus gazes steadily ahead, as if he's here in the flesh but not in the spirit. Neither seems too interested in what's going on, and I wonder how often little scenes like this play out here.

"Aro." Carlisle comes forward suddenly, Jasper at his side. "If I may."

"Please," Aro says, gesturing in what seems to be encouragement.

"If Bella decides to become one of us, and it's something she and I have discussed at length, then she will be a member of my coven, back in the States."

Aro frowns, turning toward him. "But it would be a shame for her gifts to be wasted in a place where they will be of little use."

"We have very full lives back home," Carlisle continues. "Her gifts would be of use, as are the gifts of all of my family. Please. You have our allegiance and our utmost respect, but our happiness is elsewhere. You know that."

"You always did prefer the New World." Aro sighs dramatically. "It's a shame...the things we could do here...the things _you could have. _All of you." He looks meaningfully at Alice, Edward and even me.

"I know, but...we have different passions, you and I," Carlisle says.

"That we do." Aro nods briskly. "Very well. She may remain under your mentorship, in America."

Relief spreads over me, warm and instant, but it's cut short by his next words.

"Under one condition."

Carlisle nods as if he expects this.

"She must be changed here, before you make the journey home."

* * *

Edward paces up and down the room, tugging at his hair so viciously that I feel the sting of it myself. He's normally the calm, collected one out of the two of us, but since this whole mess with the Volturi started, he's been agitated and unpredictable. Not that I blame him.

We've been temporarily banished off to a bedroom on the far side of the castle. Being around the Volturi is like stepping back in time, with their antiquated ways of speaking and authentically ancient decor. Our room is almost suffocating with its heavy, dark drapes and imposing four poster bed. At least it's clean, though; there's no dust or anything.

"Edward," I say, willing him to just sit down and be still with me.

"No, just...ah, Bella. Why did you come?" he asks, dismayed.

"We're back to this?" I ask, so weighed down by regret and consternation I can barely speak. "Look, no one can make me feel worse than I already do. Although...Jane did a pretty damn good job."

He hears something in my voice that shakes him from his haze, because he's at my side in an instant, and holding my hands. "I know that. And I don't mean to harp on it, but I'm freaking out right now. I don't know what to do."

"You knew it would come to this," Alice says from her corner. "I know you knew. So save it."

Edward's face darkens, but I turn to Alice before he can respond. "What do you mean, he knew?"

She stands, tossing her bag aside. "You know why I came with you, Bella? The real reason? It wasn't just because I needed to see Jasper, or because I wanted to answer Aro's call in person. It was because every scenario I saw involved you coming here or them coming back to Washington. Every one." She stares down Edward, who's risen to his feet. "It was inevitable. There was _no escaping it._"

He shakes his head. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Well, for starters, because it wouldn't have changed a thing. The question is, though, why didn't you see it? Couldn't you read Felix and Demetri when they came to La Push? Jane? That brat's thoughts are probably so loud I should hear them myself," spits Alice.

Maybe nothing should surprise me at this point, but I'm a little surprised at the anger in her voice. Granted, I know she's opinionated – I've seen her banter back and forth with Jasper more times than I can count – but I've never seen her so _angry_. It occurs to me that I have severely underestimated her, that she is just as fierce as Edward and any other vampire.

I also realize that she's defending me, and me choices. I'm so grateful to her it hurts. Her approval means a lot to me, even though I wasn't aware that I needed it until now.

"Yeah, well. They're good at what they do, Alice. I'm sure there are ways to block one's thoughts," Edward says, sinking back on to the bed as if he's exhausted. "They know everything, remember? I'm sure they've known about my mind reading from the second Carlisle took me in."

"That's true," she concedes. "Anyway, I'm not blaming you for not knowing, I'm just asking you to stop blaming Bella. Or insinuating that I should somehow share in the responsibility. There are some things that are meant to be, and Bella being propositioned by the Volturi has always been one of them. I didn't think it would happen this soon, but I knew it would eventually."

Laying down, I pull the duvet up over me. I can feel Edward watching me now, but I can't look at him. Even though what Alice is saying makes perfect sense, I can't escape the maelstrom of emotion whirling through my gut. Dread and guilt whip through me like a constant, cold wind, leaving me chilled. And beneath that, even though Alice says it doesn't matter because this would have happened eventually, I'm slightly ashamed. I came with the intention of proving to Edward that I could handle this, that I could be his ally, his helpmate, but instead the disparity between us is more apparent than ever.

A knock at the door rouses us from the smothering silence that's descended upon the room.

Alice picks up her purse. "That's Jasper. I'm going to go with him for a while. Regroup. Do either of you need anything?"

Shaking my head, I force a brief smile. "I'm okay."

"Me too. Go ahead, Al."

Jasper peeks in, giving us a small wave before leaving. The door closes with a soft snick, leaving us alone. We're free to leave the room, too, but the Three made it clear that we would be watched closely if we did. It's a little stifling here, with the grand décor and night falling outside, but at least we're on our own. Carlisle assured us of our privacy, and we can trust him. He's with Aro, Marcus and Caius now, negotiating the terms of my transformation.

I pray they let me go with my humanity intact. If they don't I might not ever see my father again. Emily will grow up without me, while Sue and Leah will mourn for me, not knowing if I'm dead or a Cold One, which to them, frankly, mean the same thing.

Edward takes my hand, bringing my attention back to him. "Hey."

"Hi." I turn toward him.

It's the first time we've been alone since I joined him in Volterra. We lay on our sides, gazing at each other. This reminds me of the night we spent in Port Townsend after Felix's attack. So much going on now, so many thoughts.

"Talk to me," Edward says, his voice soft. Calm.

Blinking, I look down at the bedspread. "I thought I'd never see you again."

"Bella, I told you I'd be back."

I look in to his eyes, wanting him to understand where my head was at. "I know, but you couldn't know for sure."

He sighs, closing his eyes. His frustration still simmers below the surface.

"I know you're mad at me. Trust me, I know. I don't blame you...I'm mad at myself."

"Then why'd you risk it? Why'd you come?" he asks in earnest. "I'm not mad, not anymore...and I get what Alice was saying. All of this..." He motions around us. "It was going to go down sooner or later. I get that. But I thought we'd talked..."

"I was sick of you making every decision by yourself. I know you make them with me in mind, but it makes me feel like I'm incapable. Or like you think I am."

He squints at me like I'm insane. "I've never found you _incapable_. Ever. I couldn't be with someone I didn't respect and admire."

Sitting up, I try to put a bit of distance between us. It's difficult to have conversations like this because we so rarely disagree, let alone argue. "Just...stop. Listen to what I'm trying to say. I need to be just as involved in the decision making process as you. I know we're not always going to agree, and there will be times when one of us has to concede or give in to the other, but it should be...I don't know. Mutual."

"I...I'm sorry," he says. "I guess I thought we'd discussed it."

"We had, kind of, but nothing was definite – not the details. You just up and left without saying goodbye!" I cry, my true fears getting the best of me. "Do you know what that feels like, Edward?"

He shakes his head, sitting up too.

"It's like my worst nightmare all over again...having nothing of you but memories and promises. You're not there. And this isn't the first time you've left without saying goodbye –"

"When –"

"Forks. That was...well, I guess I know how you feel. I felt like you were throwing yourself in to danger with the wolves; they so easily could have attacked you. Killed you, had they known you were there." The similarity of his rash decision then and mine now sinks in; I watch as he makes the connection, even as I make it myself.

His eyes soften, and he pulls me closer so that our faces touch, side by side. The close contact gives me a small measure of peace.

"Every time you go, it's like I'm losing you. Even if my mind knows better, my heart is so,so afraid. I can't lose you again."

"You won't," he promises, rubbing his cheek against mine. His smooth, unyielding skin is whisper soft.

"Remember, back when we were new? That summer...I didn't really want you to go to Brazil."

"I know," he says, looking away remorsefully. "I knew it then, but I went anyway."

"And you should have gone. Every arrow pointed to yes, Edward; you were meant to go and be with your parents and just..._thrive_. It was your dream, and by all means, you should have been fine. But you were also supposed to come back to me and that...almost didn't happen."

We pull away from each other, sharing a look. His eyes are dark, from both hunger and the pain of remembering that time.

"Nothing was the same after we met," I say, kissing his hands. "You fit me and filled me in places I didn't even know existed, like you actually helped complete me. Thinking I'd maybe lost you..." I shudder, remembering those dismal days. "I never want to feel like that again."

Getting all of this out, actually voicing the fears and thoughts that run rampant, unchecked in my head, makes me realize I never truly recovered from Edward's disappearance. Though I know logically that he's here, and that he's safe and we're together, there remain parts of me that are unsure. Like deep inside, in the hidden places, I'm really operating in survival mode, waiting for things to fall apart again.

He stares at me for a long time before looking away. "It's like you...you're traumatized."

I nod, swallowing. "Maybe."

"I don't think there's any other explanation for it," he says, standing up and walking over to the window. There isn't much to see but a darkened courtyard. Then again, his eyes pick up things mine never could. "And it's my fault, really."

"It's no one's fault."

He turns, shrugging one shoulder. "I'm good at thinking on my feet.. My dad used to say I had to be, if I wanted to be a good doctor. But I'm so used to making my own decisions that letting someone else in on that feels...weird. But in trying to_...handle _everything, I've made you feel insecure."

I can't deny that this is _exactly_ what I feel, but hearing him connect the dots doesn't give me the satisfaction or relief I thought it would. Instead it makes me a little sad, knowing he's hurting.

"It's...okay," I say, running my fingers over the duvet.

"It's not. Especially since one of those decisions nearly resulted in my death." His eyes darken. "Brazil seemed like such a great idea at the time, didn't it?"

The brooding; it's been awhile, but it's back. I recognize the self deprecating direction he's taking.

"Edward, I can't do this right now. You feel bad, and I feel bad, and everything is just...really bad. But I need you too much; I don't want to place the blame. I just want to be with you. It's why I came to Volterra, and I know it was the wrong thing to do, at least, the wrong time, but I did it and we're here and...just come here."

When he does, his eyes have darkened further.

"When was the last time you ate?" I ask, brushing my thumb over the bruises beneath his eyes.

"Day or two before we flew out."

"Do you...want to hunt?"

"And leave you here alone?" He gives me a stern look. "Are you crazy? They'd love nothing better."

A shiver works its way through me.

"Aro might say that you're safe as long as you're a 'guest' here, and that your connection to Carlisle is keeps you in his good graces, but he's shady. And I don't trust Felix at all."

"Me neither." I touch my forehead, remembering the pain from the night he banged my head while I was passed out.

"I'll be okay for now. I'll hunt as soon we get home."

That might not be for another day or two, but if Edward wants to wait, I can understand. Staying together has become very literal now.  
Hours pass. Alice and Jasper stay in the room adjacent. Even with the heavy wall between us, I can sense Jasper's calming vibes. I found out about his ability one day when I was stressing over an exam back in Seattle. He's careful not to over-use it, but it comes in handy sometimes – like now. Knowing that my life hangs in the balance should have me a quivering mess. Instead, I'm cuddled against Edward, talking about being a vampire.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"I don't really have a choice, do I?"

"But if you did."

I lean away so I can see his face. "I told you I wanted forever. I wanted more time with my family, but when it comes down to it, I'll always want you more." That sounds awful, like I'm dismissing the people who raised me and love me, and I close my eyes. "I mean... if I had to choose..."

"Hey."

Opening my eyes, I look at Edward.

"I'd choose you, too."

Maybe I know this, but hearing it is always welcome. I kiss him gently, comforted by his scent, letting his reassurances and Jasper's ability from next door lull me in to a false sense of security.

"Don't be afraid," he adds, whispering.

* * *

Edward's on his feet before the knocks on the door; three staccato raps.

Jane nods at Edward when he opens the door. "Aro would like to speak with you." She eyes me speculatively. "Both of you."

Praying that Carlisle was able to reason with Aro, I take Edward's hand and follow Jane down the corridor. Alice and Jasper are nowhere to be seen; I wonder if they're staying put or if they've been summoned already.

The castle's hallways, especially those housing the guest rooms, feel like a labyrinth, winding and dark, complete with candled wall sconces. It would be so easy to get lost. Trembling, I press closer to Edward.

We're led through a door and in to the same, circular room as before, only there is no one in it except for Carlisle and the Three. It's odd, and a little surreal, knowing that it was once this way all the time, when Carlisle was a permanent fixture here.

Like before, Marcus and Caius remain quiet and disaffected while Aro smiles like the cat that caught the damn canary. He motions Edward and me closer, his rheumy eyes darting between us.

"Well, Carlisle has petitioned your cases successfully. Edward, while it is indeeed disappointing that you will not consider a life here, you are young to immortality, and therefore forgiven. You can expect another invitation in a few years, when you are a little more seasoned." He takes my hand, drawing me close. As if attached, Edward comes too, unwilling to break our physical contact.

"And Bella." He tilts his head, regarding me shrewdly. "You too are free to go, provided you agree to make the change within one year."

This is both better than I expected and worse; a chance at life for the time being with a death sentence on the horizon.

"Thank you," I murmur, unsure of how else to respond. He's just given me one of the most significant directives of my life...it's going to take time to digest it.

"I can appreciate that Carlisle desires to do things the right way. He always was most compassionate." He smiles fondly at Carlisle before turning his attention back to me. "Still, my own compassion has an expiration date. If you do not return here within one year's time to prove your immortality, I shall send Felix and Demetri to fetch you. I suggest making these decisions yourself before they are made for you."

"I will. Thank you, Aro."

"Of course, child." Pulling my hand to his papery lips, he inhales deeply before kissing my knuckles. I fight the urge to pull away, watching as he also takes Edward's hand, so that he's got us both. "Truly, she is ambrosial. When you allowed me in to your thoughts, I could see how you crave her."

My heart clenches. Edward has never divulged how little or how much my blood called to him, but I know now that it must be worse than he's ever let on. Obviously, it took time for him to get used to being around me, but I'd assumed it had been like that with all humans. Unnerved, I keep my eyes on Aro. I notice, in my peripheral, that Edward does the same.

"How do you stand it?" Aro continues.

"It's not without effort," Edward says.

"I do believe that Bella is your singer, is she not?"

Now I do look at Edward, curious because the odd words seem to hold some significance. He seems just as puzzled as I do, though, and looks at Carlisle, who gestures back toward me.

"_La tua cantante_. Your singer." His eyes flicker briefly to me, and I realize he's always known this about the connection between Edward and me. "Her blood...it sings to you."

After a second, Edward nods.

_My blood sings to him? This gets weirded by the second. And creepier._

I make a note to ask him about it later. I'm sure he's hearing details in the thoughts around him, further enlightening him.

"And you knew Bella before your change," muses Aro. "It begs the question: is she your singer because you loved her? Or do you continue to love her because she is your singer?"

"It's irrelevant," Edward growls, his body suddenly taut with tension.

"Indeed." Satisfied, Aro releases the two of us, looking over his shoulder. "Marcus? Caius? Is there anything you have to add?"

Except for a tiny shake of the head, Marcus remains statue still. Caius, however, swings his face around and rolls his eyes. "Really, Aro, this is your production. Do proceed however you see fit."

"Very well. Carlisle?"

"Thank you for granting me an audience, Aro. I'm glad we could come to a mutual agreement. We'll be leaving if that's all."

"It is. It was a pleasure to meet your family. Perhaps next time your mate will accompany you?"

"Perhaps." Carlisle smiles politely, squeezing Aro's hand.

"Safe travels." With a flourish, we're dismissed. "Don't be strangers," he adds, laughing gaily as Carlisle leads us away.

* * *

The ride back from Volterra is nothing like the ride there.

Alice's fancy rental was towed at some point, and rather than try to get it back, she paid for it to be returned to the airport. Instead, she and I join Carlisle, Jasper and Edward in the sensible black SUV _they_ rented (and parked properly).

There isn't much conversation, and between the quiet and the soothing movements of Carlisle's driving, I start nodding off. It's been a crazy couple of days, and I'm exhausted.

Instead of flying out immediately, Carlisle secures us a group of rooms in the hotel attached to the airport. My vampires take turns hunting, going out to the countryside in pairs. I take a long bath, using the time to consider all that has happened since we came.

I have mixed emotions about the fact that I must change within the year, but it's an inescapable mandate. Things could have gone a lot worse, and I'm just grateful Aro saw my potential as an asset instead of my potential as a liability.

I have a lot to think about in terms of how I will spend the next three hundred and sixty five days. It's as if I've been giving a year to live, and every second counts.

The thing that puts a positive spin on all of this is Edward. I don't just have a year with him; apparently, I have forever.

On cue, Edward lets himself in to the bathroom, fresh from his hunt with Jasper. He says he can't hear my thoughts, but I often wonder if he senses them another way because he often seems to know when I'm thinking of him. Maybe he's just attuned to me.

"Do you feel when I'm nearby?" I ask, squeezing water from my washcloth and watching it drip in to the bath. "Do you hear me?"

"You know I can't hear you," Edward says, peeling his shirt up and over his head. His jeans are next. "The only thing I hear is your heartbeat. And sometimes your breathing." He gets in behind me, leaning forward to turn the hot water back on. Suds slosh around us.

After a moment, he pulls me back. I relax against him, closing my eyes. His wet hands trail across my warmed skin.

"You never told me about my blood," I whisper.

"I didn't want to get in to it," he says, kissing my ear. "It's such a change from how we used to be. I went from wanting your body to...wanting your blood. It was the most desperate feeling. I'd watch you sleep and just...fantasize about it." He wipes a wet hand down his face. "I wanted all of you."

Memories of our time together, back when he first returned from Brazil as a vampire, assault me, and I see it all through different eyes. It wasn't just difficult for him to be around me, it actually hurt him. A lot. His love for me is very likely the only thing that has kept me alive.

"I hate that I see you that way," he continues.

"Why?"

"Because you're my girlfriend, not a pork chop."

"Or a juicy steak," I giggle, half hysterical.

He snorts, huffing cool air across my neck, making me shiver. "I'm glad this amuses you."

I twist around to look up at him, at his eyes. His eyes, even when they changed color, never really _changed_. They've always been his, and he's always been him. "It's just... I trust you. I always have."

"Then know I do things because I want to protect you, not because I think you can't handle it."

"Okay. Just...talk to me. Keep me close."

"I will." He kisses me. "I want you to trust me in all ways. If I do something you don't like...tell me."

"I will, I promise."

And we seal it with a kiss.

* * *

_thanks to everyone who reviews. i love it all: the good, the bad and the ugly. er, more like the happy, the dismayed and the downright pissed. ;) that you take the time to both read and leave a note about what you thought is truly wonderful. so, many thanks._

_we're in the last few chapters now. sigh._

_and, yeah. **special thanks to charlotteshines. you little spitfire, you**. ;)_


	20. Wanting

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_many thanks to my friend and beta Nic. you should all be so lucky to have a girl like her in your life...and your inbox...and chat box..._

* * *

I'm running in the woods.

It's been awhile. I feel like this should be familiar, but it isn't; this isn't an ethereal, floaty dream. There's no breeze, no sense of peace. Instead, there's more shadow than light here. Red eyes watch from between the branches, giving the darkness a sanguine glow. My legs carry me as quickly as they can, but I feel nothing: not the wind against my face or the ground beneath my feet. In fact, I feel as if I'm in a vacuum, a world void of any sensation but the thickness of my fear.

And then I slam in to something...or maybe it slams in to me. I'm in Edward's arms, only he's not holding me, he's restraining me. His eyes are a menacing crimson, and he smirks cruelly now as his fingers bite in to my neck.

Gasping, I wake to the pinkblue blush of dawn. My heart pounds, body vaguely shaky with the adrenaline of almost dying in my dream. Edward, the _real _Edward, reaches for me, his movements slow and expression wary.

This isn't the first night we've dealt with this. We've been back for about a week, and the nightmares have plagued me for nearly as long. Edward is always right beside me when I snap out of it. He might not be able to literally read my mind, but he's always been good at reading _me_... so much so that he doesn't bother asking what I dreamt about this time. He knows. Maybe I talk in my sleep like I used to, way back. I don't know.

We gaze at one another in the soft light, hands touching, legs twining.

"You okay?" he asks quietly, resting his hand on my stomach.

Nodding, I lay my hand over his. There's no heat there, physically, but his presence gives me a different kind of warmth.

"Are you going _to be_ okay?" he insists.

"Yes." And I will be, someday. I guess I'd thought that things would go back to normal after coming back to the States, but the things that had transpired in Volterra had left an impression on not just my soul, but the workings of my mind. Just like Edward's disappearance a year before had wounded my psyche, the fear and dread I'd experienced in Italy had made a mark on me. I knew, logically, that we'd probably be okay from here on out, but it was taking my emotions awhile to catch up. "I just need time."

And Edward knows this. I usually tell him everything, every thought, because he's asked me to. He can't sleep, so he can't dream, but my nightmares affect him just as much. After the first night, when I awoke in a panic, he made me talk it out, figuring that purging myself that way would help. He wants to help carry my load.

"What can I do?" he asks now.

That makes me smile, because...he's such a guy. Always trying to solve my problems. I pull him closer; he lets himself be tugged until we're wrapped even tighter, and then he takes over, like I want him to.

"You can make me forget," I offer, wrapping my legs up around his hips.

"I can?" He smirks, but it's nothing like in my dream. This is sexy and sweet, and his eyes shine gold like twin suns.

I push our hips together, prompting him to nip my throat. Before, when he used his teeth, it made me anxious. I've always trusted that he wouldn't change me without my consent, but sometimes, during play, I could sense his instincts rippling below the surface. And while_ my_ instincts are purely sexual, _his_ flirt on the fringe of predatory. It isn't bad; it isn't evil. It's just what he is. I understand that more than ever now, after seeing hints of what the Volturi were capable of.

But in a weird way, having a date set takes the pressure off. There's no more ambiguity in our future, no more wondering. I can't say that I like the way this came about, but I can appreciate the certainty.

Because I have a year left of being human, every single day is significant. It _matters... _so there won't be any accidents, any slip ups. No almost-bites. Edward is determined to help me make the most of the next three hundred and – now – sixty days. It's almost all we've talked about since coming home. Having a plan makes me feel safe, and it gives us the freedom to push things to the edge.

Edward sits me up so he can pull my t-shirt off. I take his off, too, and push him on to his back so I can climb on to him.

"You're so warm," he whispers, squeezing my thighs.

I roll my hips, grinding slowly against him. "Will you miss it? How warm I feel?"

He shrugs, and then shakes his head, eyes focused where we should be joined. "I actually miss feeling like we're the same."

Memories of how we were before glance through my mind, kisses in the river and beneath the trees in his parent's backyard. "We'll be the same soon," I whisper.

In an instant, I'm on my back, his hand cradling my head so it doesn't hit the mattress too hard. He rubs his hands down my sides, peeling my panties away, tickling his nose over my skin. He kisses me everywhere, my ribs, belly button and pelvic bone; his cool tongue still makes me shiver. I love it, but I know exactly how he feels. I miss feeling the same way, too.

Edward kisses me between my legs before parting me with his fingers.

"Now this," he practically sighs, "I might miss."

"Why?" My eyes are closed and I'm losing coherence; it's just feelings and voices now. "I'll taste different?"

"I don't know..." He licks me slowly, like he's savoring. Maybe he is.

There are no words for what he does to me, only sensations. Feelings. I let him take me there, take me apart. My climax brings me a chemical rush better than any drug.

Shaky with the need to feel him deep inside, I pull on his hair. "Come here..."

He laughs, and the small bit of stubble he'll always have scrapes gently against my softest parts. "I'm already here."

Our eyes meet. Even when it no longer pumps, my heart will always be his. It will always love him._ I _will always love him; I feel as if I'm already acquainted with the eternity I haven't quite begun yet. And while a part of me will always mourn my human existence and its bittersweet trappings of family, I know in the depth of my heart that I'm doing exactly what I was meant to. Perhaps this is what Alice saw when she saw me like them, when her visions became inevitable and not just possible.

"What are you thinking now?" Edward asks, giving me a little nip.

"The same thing we've been thinking about since..."

Leaving his spot to travel back up my body, he brings his mouth to mine, letting me taste myself, but not as much as I taste him. He kisses me long and hard, pushing me to the brink of blackness before pushing in to me. It's a heady combination, and it empties my mind of everything but him.

Which, I suppose, is his point.

* * *

"I need to see Charlie."

Edward nods, not looking away from his book. "I figured you would."

I've been putting it off. My father and Sue don't even know I left the country. Leah would probably pass out if she knew. Maybe that's why I've been avoiding visiting them, or even calling. There's no way they'll find out, but just knowing that I have yet another secret to keep from them makes me feel guilty.

And my trip isn't even the most major thing; it's just another detail in a really big picture.

The whole situation with the tribe is a thorn in my side. Back and forth, back and forth; mental pingpong. I'd meant what I said when I chose Edward above all else, but I also thought that I'd have a few years to acclimate Jake, Leah, and Sue to Edward and the Cullens. But I no longer have that luxury of time.

"I might go this weekend," I say.

He nods again, this time placing his book down. "I'll drive as far as Port Angeles with you. That way you won't be alone."

The chance of any Volturi guards coming back to Washington is slim, but Edward knows I'm nervous about it. And honestly, he doesn't like when I'm out of his sight, either. The storm has passed, but I guess we're both dealing with the emotional aftermath. Healing is a process for us both.

After classes on Tuesday, I call Charlie.

He picks up on the second ring. "Bells?"

"Hey, Daddy."

"Hey yourself. How's it going? Everything okay?"

I smile at his gruff affection. "Yup. What're you up to?"

"I'm online, actually, looking at ice fishing trips."

The mental image makes me giggle.

"Hey now, no laughing at your old man," he chuckles back.

"Okay, okay. It's just...that's very you." And it really is. My heart squeezes; I don't want to give him up.

"Don't I know it," he says with a snort."So. When're we seeing you again? You bringing Edward by?"

"Ah, well...that's actually why I'm calling. I wanted to come down this weekend. Edward's a little tied up with stuff, but I can stay 'til Sunday."

"Sounds good. Your truck holding up all right? When was your last oil change?"

Grinning, I roll my eyes. "Actually, Edward took it a couple of weeks ago for me."

"Knew there was a reason I liked that kid."

"Yeah, so. Everything's fine. I'll give you a call when I'm heading out."

"All right. I'll let Sue know so she can fix you that fry bread you love so much."

"Oh, yeah. Do that." Twinges of longing and loss pinch at my heart, and I swallow back the sadness. "Love you."

"You too, Bells. Be safe."

"Will do." I pause, eyes alighting on a photograph of Charlie and me near the computer. "Take care of yourself."

We disconnect, and I climb in to bed, journal in hand. There are so many things I want to do before I go. I've started jotting them down as they come to me. They're simple things, like spending Thanksgiving and Easter with my family in Forks, and eating vast amounts of my favorite foods. There are people I need to see, as well, because God knows when or even if I'll be able to see them after my change. Chewing on the end of my pen, I consider the people I'm closest to outside of the Cullen family.

_Charlie_

_Leah_

_Jacob_

_Emily and Sue_

_Renee_

On that note, I pick my phone up again and dial my mother.

"Bella babe!" she squeals. "I was just thinking about you! You must have felt the energy."

Her happiness radiates; I feel it clear through our connection. "Hey, Mom. I miss you."

"I miss you, too, honey. When are you coming back out? And when am I going to meet this fabulous boyfriend of yours?"

"Soon, Mom," I say, fighting past the ever-persistent lump in my throat.

"When?" she insists.

"How about Spring Break?"

She pauses, and I can hear Phil in the background.

"Tell him I said hi, Mom."

"Okay, honey," she says, sounding distracted. "Spring Break...we'll be in Jacksonville by then."

"Jacksonville, Florida?"

Edward enters the room, arching an eyebrow at my side of the conversation.

"Yes, Bella. Don't you read your emails?" she scolds. "We're moving the second week of February."

I haven't been too good about emailing, it's true. Not since we got back from Italy, anyway. Too say I've been distracted is an understatement, but now I feel a little guilty for neglecting my correspondence. God only knows how many other people have been emailing me, people I don't have much time left with.

I jot another name down.

_Angela_

Edward lies down next to me, resting a hand on my leg.

"Bella Marie," Renee says.

"Sorry, Mom...I'm a little spacey today...so you're moving, huh? Wow. Yeah, we'll definitely come see you guys, then. It'll be fun."

"Yes it will," she gushes, already envisioning beach days and shopping, no doubt.

We chat a little longer, which is mostly Renee yammering away a mile a minute. Edward can hear everything, and he smiles at her antics. I wonder if it makes him miss Elizabeth. This makes me realize how much I miss my mother, even though I know I made the right decision a couple years ago by moving. It changed my life in ways I couldn't have ever imagined, and I don't regret a single bit of it. In fact, when I think about how easily I could've stayed in Phoenix, living the typical life of a college student, I shudder. It could have been great, but it wouldn't have been this.

And even though we don't talk all the time nowadays, it doesn't mean we aren't close in our own way. I don't want to have to give her up, either. And who knows? Renee _is_ pretty out there. She believes in UFOs and ghosts; maybe vampirism isn't too much of a stretch for her.

"Well, baby, I gotta run," she says eventually. "Yoga in twenty minutes. You'll come along with me when you visit, right?"

"Uh, sure..."

"Good, good. Never too late to learn how to achieve _moksha._ Tell Edward I'm looking forward to meeting him, 'kay?"

Edward waggles his eyebrows at that, and I smack his thigh...which slightly hurts. Damn. Sometimes I forget how solid he is.

"I will. Give Phil a hug for me."

When I hang up, Edward taps my notebook. "What's this? A bucket list?"

Shrugging, I look it over. "Kind of."

Smiling faintly, Edward picks my pen up and underlines the last thing I wrote.

My heart skips a beat.

_Get married so Charlie can walk me down the aisle_

There'd never been any doubt that I'd be human for our wedding, but that was before I was given my one year. Now, everything has been accelerated. We're going to have to tell Charlie we want to get married soon, even though we told him before we'd be waiting. And we have to do it without giving him the real reason why.

Edward cups his hand around the back of my neck, pressing gently. It's soothing. "We can do this."

Swallowing, I close my eyes. "I know."

"Do you want a big wedding?" he asks.

It's kind of a loaded question; he knows me. "Not really. I want it to be special...not big."

"It'll be special," he promises, leaning close to kiss my neck. I shiver, and he kisses me again. "Where did you want to do it? Here?"

"Forks," I blurt. It's the first place that comes to mind, and honestly, the only one.

"Hm."

"Yeah." Opening my eyes, I glance at him. "That's not possible, is it?"

"Because of the wolves?"

I nod.

"It depends, I guess. If they can't allow you to have _your wedding_ there because of me, then...I don't know, Bella. Sounds like they're not worthy of your consideration to begin with."

What he's saying is completely true, but it's just not that simple. I've moved on from the notion that I need to make everyone happy, but still, this isn't _everyone._ Really, it's just Leah, Sue and Jake. And Sam, I guess, since he and Lee are kind of a package deal.

"No, I know," I say, twining my fingers through his. "I'll talk to Leah when I go down this weekend."

"Did you want to do it at the Inn?" he asks.

"No. I love it there, but...I don't know; there are a lot of memories for me. Not all good ones."

"What about the river behind my parent's house?" he asks quietly. "It could be a summer wedding."

Turning, I catch the wistful look on his face. "I think that would be perfect. We could decorate the trees with lanterns."

"Like my mom used to," he says, smiling softly.

"Exactly." I think of Elizabeth with her lanterns now, grinning from atop a ladder while Edward's dad held it steady.

"We can always move inside if it rains," he adds.

The thought makes my heart beat a little faster. This is happening. We're planning our wedding. Even before he ever asked me, I think a part of me sensed that he was it for me. Taking this step isn't as scary as it is natural. It's...exhilarating.

"You know Alice will want to help," he adds wryly.

Laughing, I nod. "Yeah."

"It might be the last time I ever see that house."

His voice is filled with such a yearning sadness that I move closer to him, hoping that my touch offers some comfort. "I think...that this would be a really fitting way for us to say goodbye to it," I say. And the more I think about it, the less I can see any other place. The Masen's home would be perfect, a bittersweet representation of the two guests who can't attend.

Edward clears his throat, ending the comfortable quiet. "Talk to Leah, if you can. And Jacob. He has some pull, doesn't he? He must."

"I think so...yeah."

We ease back to lying down, quiet in the dimness of dusk. Edward combs his hands through his hair, slowly, lost in thought. He's beautiful; it pulls at me. I don't know that I'll ever get over it. That he has chosen me fills me with wonder, like it's the greatest coincidence of all time.

I watch him until I can no longer stay keep in my question.. "So, have you been thinking about it all this time?"

His turns his face to me. "Thinking about what?"

"Our...wedding."

A slow smile slides over his face. "Yeah. I think about it."

I love that he thinks about it, and that he's not afraid to let me know.

"I want what my parents had," he adds, his voice barely a whisper. It's not the first time he's expressed this sentiment.

It's times like now the severity of his loss hits me again, and all I want to do is love on him, make him better. Sometimes he's so perfect looking, and so confident, that I forget how vulnerable he can be. "We'll have it. We'll have our own version of what they had."

Edward's expression grows serious. "Does it bother you that I hold them as a standard of comparison?"

"Are you really asking me that?" I shake my head, thinking of Edward Sr. and Elizabeth, how down to earth, kind and funny they were, how so very in love with one another. "I adored your parents. And I love the effect they had on you. I don't blame you at all."

His relief is palpable. "Yeah...but still, I don't mean to keep comparing us to them. I guess they had the best relationship I've ever seen. They were always saying 'I love you' to each other. And to me." Pain flickers across his face, so fleetingly I almost miss it. "I know they weren't perfect. I know they fought sometimes. But they were so strong, and it was obvious they were in it for the long haul. I want that for us."

"I think we have it," I say. "We just have to make sure we don't lose sight of the things that matter. Forever's a long time, and it doesn't matter if we're mates or whatever...we can't get lazy or take each other for granted. I feel like that's what happened with _my_ parents, and even though I love them, I don't want to repeat their mistakes."

He nods, his eyes never leaving me. "I guess we have examples of what to do... and what not to do."

* * *

Every day this week is an adventure.

There is very little down time. I have classes, but once I'm out, I'm with Edward. We scour the city, looking for things we might have missed before. In some ways, our frenetic exploration reminds me of the summertime, when I was new in Seattle and we spent every night someplace new. I swear I try every restaurant within a ten mile radius, both within the city and in surrounding neighborhoods. I'm determined to eat as much food as I can before I lose my human life. I know I'm giving it up for something amazing, but still. There's no denying that these small, simple pleasures will be dearly missed.

But right now? We're gorging ourselves on life, and we have the best time, in spite of the damp, cold weather. Half the time I forget _why_ we're this urgent because it's so easy to just go with it. There's a lot of sex and cuddling, silliness, laughter. I love seeing Edward smile, and he smiles all the time when we're together.

There are serious things, though, too. I'm in the process of setting myself up so that I can take a hiatus from academics before then returning to school elsewhere. I know Charlie's going to find it strange that I will take another year off, but there's no other way around it. Carlisle, Jasper and Alice assure me that Edward's control as a newborn is exceptional, and not to expect the same for myself. I'll need time and lots of space during my first few months as a vampire, and even then, re-acclimating to human beings will be on a trial basis.

Friday rolls around, and I pack a quick bag to take with me for my weekend in Forks. After an inappropriately mushy sidewalk kiss, I slide in to my truck. Edward follows me until we reach Port Angeles, where he pulls away with a honk of his horn. I blow him a kiss in my rearview, which he sends right back in a text:

_Xx _

He plans to stay in a motel there until I'm ready to drive back to Seattle, at which point he'll escort me once again. If I know Edward, though – and I do – he'll probably find ways to sneak closer. He still doesn't quite trust the wolves, especially now that our relationship is established and out in the open.

Bleak winter sun shines softly through the towering trees, dappling the asphalt of the open road. It's soothing; I'm grateful for the familiarity of the verdantly lush landscape. I need to be calm right now, not agitated and worried by conversations I haven't even had yet.

I turn the radio on, and let the classical station flush all counterproductive thoughts from my mind.

* * *

Jake and Vanessa are inseparable, and as comfortably mellow as an old married couple. I find this out when I get to their little house, where they're relaxing after dinner and watching TV. They offer me dinner, but I've already eaten at the Inn, so I settle for a soda. We make small talk for a long while, chatting and catching up. It's the first time I've actually met Jake's girl, and honestly, even if he hadn't imprinted on her, they probably would've fallen in love anyway. She seems perfect for him.

Eventually the true purpose of my visit niggles at me bad enough for me to speak up.

"Uh, Jake? Is there any way we can...talk?"

He grins at me, shrugging. "It's cool, Bells. Ness knows what's up."

Chewing nervously at my lip, I glance at Vanessa, who's wrangling her thick, black hair in to a ponytail. It's nearly to her waist, and gorgeous. "It's okay, Jay," she says, smiling sweetly at me. "If you guys need to talk privately..."

But then two things occur to me. One, she could be a possible ally: maybe I can appeal to her sense of romance? And two, if they're like Edward and me...then there really is little point in private conversations. They probably share everything. I suddenly feel sheepish for asking. "No, you know what...he's right. It's all good."

Ness shrugs and settles back, pulling a quilt up on to her lap. Jake tucks it in around her, making sure she's warm. I love seeing him this way, so obviously content with where life has taken him. He deserves this; he deserves _her._

"So...you know Edward and I are getting married," I venture cautiously.

Not surprisingly, Jake stiffens...but then he nods. "Yeah."

Ness just smiles at me. "Congratulations, Bella," she says.

"Thanks. Well, anyway, originally we were gonna wait a couple years because, you know. It seemed like the right thing to do. But we've been talking about it a lot lately, and...we decide _don't_ want to wait anymore. I know he's the one for me." Pausing, I look Jake deeply in the eyes, willing him to remember the conversation we had months before, the day he caught Edward and me in Seattle.

He sighs heavily, gesturing for me to continue.

"And I don't want any drama, but, we'd really like to have the wedding in the summer, here in Forks." I take a deep breath. "At his parent's old house."

The silence stretches between us. I'd expected Jake to...I don't know...jump up and freak out or something but he's fixated on a spot on the floor. Ness really seems to calm his spirit. I guess what Leah said about imprints and how they tame aggression was true. I'm about to speak again when he beats me to it.

"It'll have to go before the counsel. Sam, at the very least."

"I figured."

"Yeah."

"Okay, but...I mean..." I wipe my palms on my jeans. "Will you support me? Can you guys come?"

Jake looks up at me, his dark eyes pained. "You know I want to, Bells, but I don't know. This is pushing it."

"The fact that I'm with Edward or that I've asked you to come to our wedding?" I ask dryly.

"Both," he laughs nervously, glancing at Ness. She sighs heavily.

"Bella...I would love to come. I won't come without Jake, but we'll do what we can. You deserve your happiness."

"Thank you," I whisper, touched by her sincerity.

"Ness always makes me look bad," snorts Jake, earning a smack on the arm. He turns to her, chuckling. "What? It's true... you're so...so nice all the time." I have to admit, their relationship is pretty adorable. Jake reminds me more of the kid I knew during the summers and less like the broody beast he'd become last year. He looks at me again, leaning forward on the couch. "She's right, obviously – you do deserve happiness and all that. But there's more to it. I mean, by marrying Edward, you're basically saying that one day you'll become a vampire, right?"

I won't lie to him; I can't. And yet, my heart races as I respond. "Yes."

"I can't condone that," he says carefully.

"I'm not asking you to." And I'm not. I know my intention of becoming a Cold One is like a slap in the face; I just hope I can show him and Leah it has nothing to do with them. I consider sharing the details of my trip to Italy to explain why Edward and I are getting married so soon and why I'll be changed by next winter, but decide against it. Some things are better left unsaid and with the Volturi, that's certainly true.

"But maybe we can look the other way," Ness counters after a moment. "We'll figure something out."

Her willingness to soothe, to be fair and kind, is heartwarming, and I can tell by Jake's expression that he's grateful for her presence.

"I appreciate that," I say.

My phone vibrates. I texted Leah earlier, letting her know I was back in town, and now she's on her way back to the Inn with Sam. I should probably go; I'd come straight to Jake's after dinner with my family and now it's getting late. Tossing my phone back in to my bag, I get to my feet.

"Heading out?" Jake asks.

"Yeah...that was Leah. I haven't seen her yet."

He nods, pulling Ness up with him. "I'm glad you stopped by, Bells. You sound like you're doing okay."

"I am," I assure him, giving him a quick hug before turning to Ness. "It was good meeting you, Vanessa."

"Likewise," she says, patting my back. "We'll come see you before you leave."

"Cool. I'm driving back Sunday night." I zip my coat and wrestle my gloves back on in anticipation of leaving Jake's toasty little cottage.

They walk me to the door, and then Jake follows me to my truck, leaving Ness on the porch. "Hey..."

I slide my key in to the door and pause, facing him expectantly.

"Everything's okay, right?" His dark eyes gleam in the moonlight. We'd been so close once upon a time; I'm not surprised that he can still recognize my moods.

"Yeah. It's fine. Just...it's been a really hectic year, I guess. Nonstop."

He nods, unconvinced.

"I'm just trying to get to the point you're at, Jake," I say with a small sigh. "You see how good it is, right? Finding Vanessa...you're all domesticated now."

Chuckling, he waves his hands dismissively. "Sure, sure."

"No, seriously. It's the simplest thing, but it's also the most important." Opening the door, I climb in to the driver's seat. "All of the politics and rules...I'll deal with them out of respect to the tribe, but they mean nothing to me. I lived here too, you know? My family lives here. I have just as much say as anyone."

"I know you do, Bells. And...Nessa's right. You deserve your happiness."

It's such a un-Jacoby thing to say that I snort. "Thank you. Nice to see that she's rubbing off on you."

"Shut up," he laughs, closing my door for me.

I quickly roll my window down. "But seriously, though... thanks. I'm glad we can be...okay."

He nods, jamming his hands in to his pockets. "Me too."

It's a start. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed Jake's friendship until now. Even if things are never the same, and even if I have to give him some space because of the treaty between the Quileutes and the Cold Ones, I know that we're okay.

I can only hope that things go as smoothly with Leah.

We're halfway through a plate of Sue's peanut butter cookies when I bring up the wedding.

"Wow," she says. It's obvious she's doing her best to keep her emotions at bay, and I appreciate the effort.

"Yeah. Um...you know how it is. What's the point of waiting when you've found the right guy?"

She raises an eyebrow, a cookie halfway to her mouth. "Except he's not just a guy."

Rolling my eyes, I sit back in my seat. "Back to this? I thought we were moving on."

"Oh, I can move on for you, Bella. I'm just saying."

"Well, I want to have the wedding here. At Edward's parent's estate."

She frowns. "But I thought the house had been sold."

"It was – to a close family friend." She doesn't need to know that the "friend" is Edward's adoptive vampire dad.

Leah drops her half eaten cookie and scrubs a hand over her face. "Sam's gonna lose his shit."

I swallow back my urge to tell her that Sam can kiss my butt. It's hard to believe that I used to adore him. "Sorry."

"Me too."

And she probably _is_ sorry, but damn. I'm over this. "I am _so_ sick of having to run everything by the tribe like I'm a part of it. I'm not, Lee. I have my own life, my own plans. I have every right to bring Edward back to _his home_ and marry him there."

I'm expecting her to fight me, because that's what she does, but it's like she's totally lost the desire. Either that, or maybe she's sort of seeing things from my point of view.

"All right."

"All right what?"

"We'll talk to Sam."

"Thank you. But Lee...I'm not asking permission, okay? I'm letting him know, out of respect for you and Sue, mainly, as well as the tribe. No one's setting foot in La Push, so there technically shouldn't be a problem."

She smiles a little. "You've thought this out."

"I have," I say, nodding. "I'm ready to move on from all of this."

"Where did all of this come from?"

Shrugging, I break a cookie in half and dip it in to my milk. "Edward and I had a wake up call recently...and we realized that nothing is ever guaranteed. Things can change in an instant."

"Everything okay?" she asks, reminding me of Jake a couple of hours before.

"They're fine."

There's no way I can tell her about Italy. Not now, not ever. There are things that we'll never be able to share, simply because of my decision to stay with Edward. Just like the wolves have rules, so do the vampires. Secrecy is a necessary evil, and while once this pained me, I'm beginning to see that sometimes discretion is simply a part of growing up.

Watching Leah stack her cookies in to neat little towers though, the way she's done since we were kids, I realize that I love her too much to let her go. Growing apart doesn't have to be a part of _my_ growing up. I'll do whatever it takes to hold on to the people I love the most, even if it means waiting a few years while the Cullens and I let the dust settle after my change. I can handle loving from a distance for a while if it means I get to have my cake and eat it too when all's said and done. It's worth the wait. Worth bending the rules.

Because we're still family. And just like I've fought for my relationship with Edward, I'll fight to maintain my relationships with her and Emily, Charlie and Sue, and Jake. Besides my mother, they're the people I'm closest to – not just here in Forks, but in general.

Yes, it'll just take time. And that's something I have plenty of.

* * *

Leaving Forks on Sunday evening, I'm remarkably more relaxed than I was coming in. I'm stuffed after a huge dinner, compliments of my step-mother, and I have a Tupperware full of the chocolate cookies she sent me off with. Despite the emotional weekend, we parted ways on a mellow note, much to my relief.

I'd had the Big Talk with Charlie and Sue, as well as Emily, on Saturday morning over breakfast.

My father seemed concerned, but also pretty resigned. I think he saw this coming. Despite my assurances we'd wait, he said he could tell by the "moony eyes we were making at each other" the last time Edward and I were in town that we'd probably get hitched sooner rather than later. Sue didn't say much, but her disapproval was evident. I think she's hurt, more than anything. It's like she's so blinded by her prejudice against Cold Ones that she can't see how Edward and the Cullen family are different.

I'm not going to stress over it, but I do hope that with time she'll understand, because Sue's opinion matters to me. We've always been tight, and I'm determined to keep it that way.

Emily, to no one's surprise, took it in stride. She's more concerned with the wedding itself than our marriage, as in, "_Well, do I get to be a flower girl? Will my dress be like yours? If Daddy walks you down the aisle, who'll walk Edward? Can _I _walk Edward? Can I..."_

Sam was the last person I told. Jake brought him to the Inn, and Leah stood by my side as I explained our reasoning for choosing the location we did. As expected, he was _not _happy with my plans to bring a small group of my closest Cold Ones back for a summer wedding. There wasn't anything he could do, though. I could tell Leah hated having to disagree so strongly with him, but the fact that she and Jake had my back means more to me than I can explain. He's their Alpha, as well as Leah's fiance and Jake's friend, so their sacrifice in siding with me in this is significant.

Sam left in a huff after we finished talking, but Leah said to just give him time. Frankly, I don't care if he ever gets used to the idea. My goal was to inform the wolves and Charlie about the wedding, and I did just that.

Edward calls as I enter the outskirts of Port Angeles.

"Hey, you," I answer, my heart skipping a beat. "I was wondering when you'd call."

"Me? Weren't _you_ supposed to call when you left Forks?"

"No need. Don't think I didn't see you back there, following me," I say, glancing at my rearview mirror. Edward's car glints under the streetlights as he pulls up closer behind me.

"Did you really expect me to stay put while you hung out in Forks?" he laughs.

"Not really, no."

"You hungry, or do you just want to head back to Seattle?" he asks.

"Let's go home," I say, yawning. "I miss you, and I have lots to tell you."

Knowing Edward, he probably heard most of it already, but that's okay.

We make good time, managing to catch the last ferry back. Thank God, too, because I don't feel like spending the night in Port Townsend again. The nightmares have been nipping at my heels all weekend, and without Edward beside me to make it all right, I haven't slept well.

I want our bed. I want him.

I'm in the shower when he joins me, stalking toward me like he the predator he is. It reminds me of long ago, on a rainy night at his parent's house, when things were different and so uncertain between us.

There's no hesitation between us now, though. I let Edward turn me around, spreading my legs and resting my cheek gently against the tile. He kisses my throat and touches me with cool fingers until I shiver and shake, and then he fills me up, embracing me outside while I embrace him inside. He takes me slowly from behind, pulling my hair a little, sucking at my ear and my neck as he whispers that he loves me, he missed me.

"I missed you too," I say. "It won't be much longer now..."

* * *

_it won't be too much longer for us, either. thanks for sticking with me guys. your reviews and comments and sometimes-tweets mean a lot to me. i appreciate your interest and insight. love!_

_xoxo_


	21. Preparing

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_between myself and my super girl beta nic, we finally got this out. whew. it's been a time, i tell you. thanks to nic for working on this chapter through work, hail storms, power outages, and hungry vampires. i adore you, ladylove._

* * *

The holidays come and go.

No longer willing to compromise what we want and need for the sake of others, we've made changes in the things we do. Edward has started accompanying me to Forks for the bigger occasions, like Thanksgiving and Christmas. He doesn't push it by overstaying his welcome, but he always manages to be by my side for the most important moments: family grace before Thanksgiving dinner; watching Emily open presents "from Santa" on Christmas morning.

We are forging the last of my human memories, and we both want him to be a part of them.

He grows a little closer to Charlie, sitting and talking with him while watching football and hockey games. If my father thinks it's strange Edward always declines beer, he doesn't say so. Maybe he thinks we're teetotalers now. And while Sue still isn't fully comfortable having a Cold One in such close quarters, I know she cannot deny the good in Edward. I do my best to behave with patience and compassion, knowing that it can't be easy reconciling a lifetime of conditioning with such an exception to the rule. But it's all right. I'll wait as long as it takes for her; she, Leah and Emily mean that much to me.

Sometimes, while hanging out in Forks on my own, I have girl dates with Emily, where we go out for ice cream together or get a movie to watch in my room, hiding beneath the covers with popcorn. I'd love to be able to bring her to Seattle, because there are so many fun things to do there, but Sue would never let her go. Emily's too young, and Sue's too freaked out by my friends...and I can't say I blame her. Emily is her baby. I hold on to the hope that I'll be around to watch her grow up, even if there are years between our future visits, but I spend the time we have now as if it could be our last.

It's this way with Leah, too, and even Jake. We don't discuss it, but our time together feels special, and I'm okay with that.

The one thing that bugs me, though, the one thing I have no control over, is what Charlie knows. And moreso, what he doesn't. Like any child, I've gone through periods of closeness and withdrawal with my parents, but as adults we have pretty open, trusting relationships. I used to keep my father clued in to what was going on in my life, at least generally, so to have to keep the truth about Edward and my impending change from him feels wrong. I feel like... if I don't have integrity, then what do I have?

But this situation _is_ different, and Edward's helping me to see that it isn't my truth to tell. Keeping the secrets of his kind, as well as those of the Quileute, is a burden I _must_ bear. The consequences of bringing Charlie in to the fold could be fatal, for us...and for him.

So, I'm working on letting go. Expecting things to be perfect, for every last detail in my life, just isn't realistic. It's time for me to focus on and appreciate what's right in my life, and not what's wrong.

* * *

Edward finds a space in the airport parking garage and pulls in before someone else does. We've gotten in the habit of driving ourselves to Sea-Tac and using long term parking; that way we can come and go as we please without having to wait on anybody else.

"Got everything?" he asks, tossing his keys back and forth as I close my door. He never brings anything but his wallet, choosing to just leave extra clothes, books and whatever else at the Cullens' Thorne Bay estate.

This will be my fourth time going to Alaska. Because there's a good chance I'll be spending a lot of time there as a newborn, Carlisle suggested I become better acquainted with their property. Honestly, it never takes much to convince me to go. Days of being with Edward, in a beautiful, wide open place where we have no enemies? It's like paradise.

And besides, Alaska during the winter is breathtakingly beautiful. Esme says that it snowed last night, and that their estate is blanketed in white, like something out of a fairy tale. It's been slushy, wet and miserable in Seattle and Forks, so this is a welcome respite.

Our flight is uneventful. Edward's not crazy about flying – he says the air is stale and rife with body odors ranging from mouth watering to foul – but he weathers it well. This time around, we both choose to read the hours away.

Alice and Jasper are at the airport when we arrive. This will be one of the first times the entire Cullen clan will be together since the decision on my changing was made. I know they consider me a part of the family, and even though I think I'll feel my place more when I'm like them, the sentiment of acceptance warms me.

"Hey," I say, hugging Alice even though I saw her just the night before.

"Hi, Bella." She wraps a soft, creamy scarf around my neck, careful to free my hair from its confines. "It's pretty frigid out there," she said. "Even I can feel it."

"Oh, wow. Okay. Thanks." I drop my carry-on so that I can retrieve my coat, sliding in to it right as Jasper leans down to hug me. "Hi, Jasper. You smell like snow."

"Do I?" He grins enigmatically, nodding. "It's really coming down out there. I brought the Jeep instead of Carlisle's car."

"The Jeep?" I echo.

"Emmett's toy," Edward says, sliding gloves on. He doesn't need them, just like Alice has no need for a hat or Jasper for proper boots, but it's part of the act. I, however, do need all of those things, as well as the mittens I slide on. It's a good thing I watched the weather channel before packing. "It's a beast."

"It really is." Alice's low laugh tinkles like a bell, a clear, soft sound in the busy airport rush. "Do you guys have anything else?"

"Nope. We packed light." Edward takes my hand. "We can go."

Alice and Jasper weren't kidding about the weather. Snowflakes drift dreamily down from the sky, clinging to our clothes. The opaque sky is blindingly bright, as if massively backlit by some unseen source. We hurry through people reuniting, taxi cabs and shuttles, toward the parking garage.

"Oh, my gosh," I snicker, spotting an enormous yellow Jeep in the first space. How Jasper wrangled it into any spot at all is a testament to his superior vampire skills.

"Told you," Edward says. We toss our bags in to the back, and then he helps me climb in, not because he's being especially chivalrous, but because otherwise I'd need a damn ladder to get inside.

Traffic moves slowly. The snow has slowed everything down, and according to the radio, several accidents on the main highways have only added to the mess.

"Man, we picked a great day to fly up," Edward says, sighing heavily. "At this rate it'll take us hours to get to Thorne Bay."

"Not necessarily, brother," Alice says. "Have faith."

* * *

When I wake up, night has fallen, softly dark beneath a snowy sky.

Blinking blearily, I straighten up in my seat and squint outside, trying to make sense of where we are. It's impossible to tell. Even if I knew this part of Alaska as well as the Cullens, I would be lost. There's nothing but the black of night, the white of snow, and the occasional soft red glow of passing cars.

"Jasper's taking some back roads," Edward murmurs, sensing that I'm awake. His hand finds mine, and I grasp it, glad to have something grounding me in this bizarre dream-like setting. "It's taking a while, but...it's better than trying to battle it out on the main roads."

I nod, squeezing his hand. "Have you been able to contact Carlisle and Esme? I bet they're worried..."

"They knew the storm was coming," Alice says from the front seat. She twists around to look at me, her eyes. "But we did call them. Just to check in.".

"That's good...I'd hate for her to worry." I reach in to my purse, looking for my phone. "Well, about me, anyway. I'm not indestructible yet."

Suddenly the Jeep starts to skid. I watch Jasper's hands on the wheel, gripping it tightly, trying to maintain control. It feels as though we've hit ice; the wheels can't find traction. And then, just as quickly as it started, it stops. We sit in the midst of the snow storm, headlights focused on a copse of trees a couple of feet away.

"Sorry 'bout that," Jasper chuckles, reaching to throw the Jeep back in to gear.

Wincing, I pull my hand out of my purse. My index finger hurts; I think I might have jabbed it with a pen that was sitting at the bottom of my purse when we started to skid. Before I can say anything, Edward is free from his restraints and in the front seat, on top of Jasper.

Alice screams his name, and then Jasper's, and then they tumble out of the front seat, even as the Jeep rolls. Alice slides over, putting the vehicle in 'park', and slams shut the door, locking it.

"What happened?" I ask quietly, nonplussed and a little shaky.

"You cut your finger," she says instead. "Jasper...wasn't expecting that."

I hold my hand up. A small trickle of blood runs down my finger, stinging. Silent, I put in in my mouth, mind racing.

"Let me just..." Alice searches through the glove compartment. "Damn. You didn't happen to bring bandaids, did you?"

"Actually, I might have a couple..." I glance nervously out the hazy window, to where Edward has Jasper down in the snow. Jasper's not even fighting him. Not anymore. I'm not sure he ever really was.

Alice has the wrapper off in the blink of an eye. She presses the little bandage to my practically non-existent cut, visibly keeping from taking in any breaths.

"Is it really that bad?" I whisper, a strange numbness settling over me. "I never really..."

"It is what it is," she says with a shrug, reminding me of Edward. "And in your case, it won't always be this way. We just have to be careful, and treat every incident as if it could be twenty times worse. With Jasper, especially. He's the newest to this lifestyle, besides Edward."

"But why is it so much easier for Edward?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I think that each of us brings certain strengths in to this life, certain gifts. And Edward – like Carlisle – has especially strong self control. But we're not all as strong, as some of us...like Jasper...are really sensitive to it. He's sensitive to a lot of things...I think that's why he's so adept at mood perception and manipulation."

"It seems ironic that he has the ability to change someone else's mood when he can't quite control his own," I muse, watching the boys get to their feet.

I see the Jasper I know out there, shaking snow from his blond hair, looking sheepish. Biting my lip, I turn back to Alice. "What'll we do?"

A far away expression passes over her, so quickly I'd have missed it had I not been watching closely. "Jasper and I can run home."

"No! Alice..." Horrified, I shake my head. "No way. Not in this weather."

"Bella, we don't even feel it. Riding in cars is a game we play; a show we put on. Please, don't worry about it. It's better we separate. Why risk it, you know?"

"You think he'd...attack?"

"Maybe." I can see she's finished discussing it, whether because it would bother me or it bothers her, I'm not sure.

As usual, Edward is on the same page. He and Alice trade places, snow blustering in when the door to the Jeep opens. I watch as she goes to her mate, holding his face in her hands. They exchange a few words, and then disappear in to the night.

Now in the driver's seat, Edward turns the heat up a little. "Coming up here?" he asks, twisting to look at me, as if something horrible didn't just almost-happen.

I climb to the passenger's seat and buckle myself in.

He puts his hand on mine. "You okay?"

Our eyes meet, and I study him, his wind tousled hair and dark eyes. He fed just before our flight, but now it looks like he might need to go again. Because of me, probably. "I don't know."

"Don't worry about Jasper, Bella."

"How can I _not _worry about him?" I ask, troubled. "He's probably the most relaxed out of all you, and now he's all..."

"He's a vampire. Vampires crave blood. You bled. That's all."

I nod, understanding this logic. Still, though, it's hard not to feel guilty.

"It was no one's fault," Edward says, shifting gears so that we can continue our journey through the forested roads. It's a bizarre juxtaposition: night so black it swallows, snow so white it blinds. It almost hurts my eyes. "And, you know...in a way, we've been afraid something like this might happen," he continues suddenly. "_I've _been afraid. You don't know how vulnerable you are, how fragile. Human life is just...it's a miracle. Every moment. Sometimes I don't even know how I stayed alive as long as I did."

What he's saying makes sense, but I've only ever known being human, so it's difficult to relate.

He takes my hand, rubbing his thumb lightly over the band-aid. "I'm glad Aro only gave you a year."

I look sharply at him, searching his face, but he's neutral, eyes focused on the road. On one hand, such abrupt frankness feels like it comes out of left field, but...I guess I shouldn't be surprised. He's probably tired of balancing everything. And...my God. So am I. When I'm like him, we'll all be able to relax a little more. We'll be able to move ahead, move on.

As equals.

"Say something," he says, after a moment.

"I don't know what to say."

"That I'm selfish."

"We're all selfish," I murmur, tangling our fingers.

The rest of the drive is silent, but it's comfortable. Outside, snow swirls and the wind gusts so hard that I feel it shaking the Jeep, but I'm safe here, with Edward.

* * *

The house is quiet when we arrive.

If I didn't know the Cullens, I'd think that, due to the late hour, they were all asleep. But they can't sleep, so they're either out hunting or they're simply taking things easy.

It's the latter.

Carlisle smiles gently as he welcomes us inside. He and Edward then take our bags, to our room I assume. Esme leads me to the fireplace, which crackles invitingly, spreading warmth and good feelings into the room, and into me.

"How was your flight?" she asks.

I yank my boots off, slightly embarrassed I didn't do so by the front door. It doesn't seem as though I've gotten the floor wet, though, so I relax a bit. They're good boots; my socked toes are warm and dry. "It was good. Non eventful..."

She nods. "Hungry?"

I wasn't until she mentioned it, but now I'm ravenous. "Actually, I am."

"I'll bring you something I made a little earlier..." She's up and gone before I can respond.

Carlisle and Edward's voices float closer, letting me know they're about to join me. Carlisle smiles sympathetically, prompting me to ask about Jasper and Alice.

"They'll stay the night in the cabin," he says, gesturing toward the back of the house. "It's at the edge of the property."

Frowning, I sit forward. "I...still can't believe it happened this way," I confess. "I've known Jasper for quite some time, and he's never...I mean..." I shake my head, unable to keep from myself from going over and over what happened earlier in the snowstorm. This is the back and forth of my life: right when I feel the welcome lull of knowing what to expect, something like this happens to remind me of my place in this supernatural world.

"It's instinct. Jasper wasn't ready for what happened, and he was caught off guard. It's happened to the best of us," Carlisle says.

"It doesn't happen to you," Edward says to him, smiling wryly. He sits beside me, resting his arm around my shoulders. "Carlisle's right, though. It happens."

"I know. I just wish they didn't feel the need to stay elsewhere tonight." I know none of this is my fault; it's no one's fault – I get that. But Alice is one of my best friends, and I've grown so close to Jasper as well. Knowing that he's physically uncomfortable around me right now, and that he probably feels really guilty, makes me feel bad.

As usual, Edward knows my moods and faces. He lets me alone, though, allows me to work through it. We've discussed it, and now I have to just let things go.

Esme brings me a tray full of food: cut up fruit, little sandwiches, bits of chocolate and croissants. "Feels like a picnic," I say. My stomach growls – loudly. "Thank you! I don't know where to start."

"Let me know if you need anything else," she replies, ever the hostess. It's funny; she's barely older than I am, in terms of how old she was when she turned, but she always feels so maternal.

"I will," I promise, knowing I won't need to. "Thanks, Esme."

She kisses my head – like a Mom – and leaves, Carlisle saluting us playfully as he follows after her.

"Are Emmett and Rosalie around?" I ask, swallowing. "Are they coming down?"

"They left to hunt," Edward says. "Just in case."

My face must fall, because he chuckles. "Chill, Bella. They're just...I don't know. Erring on the side of caution."

I nod, taking a bit of croissant. Buttery deliciousness. I'll miss this when I'm changed.

He quiets, playing absently with my hair as I eat. Once I've had my fill, I place the tray on the coffee table and curl up in to his side. Sated and sleepy, I begin to doze, waking only when he places me in bed.

* * *

In the morning, the smell of bacon wakes me up. It's such a normal breakfast smell, and yet, I know I'll be the only one eating it. Everyone else thinks it smells disgusting; I don't know how Esme deals with it. I've told her before that I don't mind getting and preparing my own food, but it's obvious to finds joy in the task.

Outside, a gust of wind carries voices to my window. Stretching, I look outside, not surprised to see Tanya and her sisters down in the yard, hanging out with my soon-to-be family. The scene is reminiscent of the very first time I saw her, only it doesn't bother me now the way it did then.

Maybe because this time they're all sitting around and talking instead of playing games that involve full body contact.

But, really, I suppose I'm more confident now; both in myself and my relationship with Edward. Plus, the fact that I'll be a vampire just like her in less than a year makes me feel like we'll be on even footing. It's silly, I know...but it's how I feel.

Jasper's back. Our eyes meet as I walk in to the kitchen. Knowing Jasper, he's been waiting down here for me so we could talk, and do away with any funky vibes.

"Hey," I say, giving him a shy wave. "I'm...glad you're back."

He nods sheepishly. "Me too. I'm okay now."

"I know." And I do. This entire family has done nothing but protect me, day in and day out, since we became acquainted. I remember Jasper standing with Carlisle in Volterra, how their very presence vouched for me. "There's never a dull moment, is there?"

Shaking his head, he smiles. "Guess not."

"Is Alice around?"

"Outside," he says, smirking. Thanks to his abilities, I suspect he knows exactly how I feel about Tanya.

Sticking out my tongue, I grab a plate and fix myself breakfast from the little spread Esme's prepared for me. Edward must have told her about my food-obsession, because my favorites seem to make appearances whenever I visit Thorne Bay.

I kind of wish I could eat outside, enjoying the bright sunshine and the way it glints off the fresh snow, but I know it's a lot colder than it looks. Instead, I settle down at the kitchen table and chat with Jasper, who keeps me company while I eat.

I layer as much as possible before going outside, glad that I bought a few warmer pieces for my visits up here. Seattle is cold, but it's nothing compared to Thorne Bay.

Emmett is the first to hug me, and then Rose, who winks at me before sitting down again.

"Hi, guys," I say, smiling at the rest of the group. Tanya, Kate and Irina wave back from their blanket, looking more like they're sitting on warm, sun-drenched grass than in cold, crunchy snow. It's weird, but, I guess anything goes when you don't have a body temperature.

"Welcome back, Bella," Kate says, smiling pleasantly. "Bet you weren't expecting that blizzard, huh?"

"Not exactly," I agree, shaking my head. "It's pretty now, though."

Edward's watching me from his lounge chair, another item that seems better suited for balmier weather. I go to him, pleased when he slides an arm around my waist and pulls me to his lap.

"So warm," he murmurs. His touch is icy, even though the material of my clothes, but I revel in his closeness.

"For now," I whisper back, imagining what it would be like for the snow and wind to not even register.

Across from us, Tanya checks her phone, pretending not to listen.

* * *

"I like this one," Alice says. She pushes the catalog closer, showing me a wedding dress. It's a little fancy for my taste, but I like the design.

"That is pretty," I say, nodding. "Maybe without the lace?"

"Definitely," she says, taking back the magazine so she can bookmark. It's totally relaxed, and we spend much of the afternoon this way, planning and discussing my upcoming wedding to Edward. Esme joins us after a while. "I love weddings," she admits, tracing her finger along one of the pictures Alice cut out earlier. "Carlisle and I have had a couple."

"I can imagine," I say, making her laugh.

"It's self indulgent, I know," she says, shaking her head, "but we can't help it. When you're married this long, when you _live _for this long, it's important to keep that spark. Keep it in the forefront."

"Makes sense," I say, nodding.

"No one's done it as much as Em and Rose, though," snorts Alice. "Man. You'd think she'd be too practical or whatever, but no. I swear, they've been married in every country."

"Are you serious?" I snicker.

"Just you wait," Rose says suddenly, appearing so unexpectedly she makes me jump. "We mate way differently than humans do... way more passionately. The love never dies, and you won't be able to get enough of him. I'll remind you of this when you guys tie the knot for like, the fortieth time."

The four of us go back and forth for awhile. I can't say that multiple weddings are something I want for myself and Edward, as one seems special enough for eternity, but who knows how I'll feel in twenty years? Fifty? Perhaps fanfare and fireworks will be welcome ways to rededicate ourselves to one another. The girls give me a lot, sharing their thoughts and views on marriage and relationships, and I receive until I am brimming over, sappy-full of love for my intended. He must sense it when he comes to find me later, because his sweet smile gives way to a seductive smolder.

He picks me up as if I weigh nothing, letting me ride piggyback to our room. We hit the bed kissing, and even though it takes forever and a year to peel my layers away, soon we're naked.

"I can't wait til I can bite you," he says, his eyes darkening the way they do when he's aroused. "I know I shouldn't...but it's in me. I know tasting you will be...divine."

My heart quickens: fear and lust... adrenaline and anticipation, always. The threat only magnifies his appeal. And he knows, too. Sometimes I wonder if he plays with me this way because it makes the taking that much sweeter.

"You can taste me now," I whisper, closing my eyes as he kisses my neck. "Taste me in other ways."

Our lives continue on, every day braiding us together a little tighter as we share days, thoughts, love and plans. On weekends and time off from school, we continue alternating between Forks and Thorne Bay. I am preparing to say goodbye to one while preparing to say hello to the other. It's a strangely comforting dichotomy: no matter what, I have my family.

* * *

We go to see my mother as planned, and although she never asks outright, I know she feels that there's something different about Edward. She lets it alone, though, which is just as well. I think her happiness at _my _happiness greatly outshines any suspicions, so she chooses to be blissful in her ignorance.

And besides, Edward has always been a charmer. He stops just short of compelling her in to adoring him, and by the time we leave, Renee is gushing about the "son she never had". Phil's the happy-go-lucky type, so he's an easy sell. They see us off at the airport, promising to see us in a few months time for the wedding.

Like sand though the proverbial hour glass, time slips rapidly away.

Before I know it, the school year is over. Edward and I have put in for our transfers, including a year of hiatus in between. Under normal circumstances this would all be tricky, but between him and Carlisle, there's nothing we can't do.

Charlie knows that our honeymoon will last for two weeks. He knows that Edward has this crazy inheritance that will fund our travels, and that we'll be abroad in a location secret to everyone but Edward.

What he doesn't know is that we've already bought homes for ourselves, in Thorne Bay and Brazil, and that when the time comes, we'll choose one of these locations for my transformation. Sometimes planning out the details this way feels morbid, as if I'm arranging for my own death, but it's absolutely necessary. Becoming a vampire is one of the most major things than will ever happen to me: a rebirth, of sorts. Planning for it is paramount if we want things to go smoothly.

* * *

We don't talk about it, but Leah and Jacob know that my change is imminent. They don't know the where, how or when, and they never will, but they're not stupid. They know that Edward and I are unevenly matched, physically. And somehow, they also have vague knowledge of the way vampire leadership works – that the humans familiar with Cold Ones either die or become Cold Ones themselves.

It's never discussed. There are some things that we'll never discuss. I'm just grateful for our friendships, and that I've been able to keep the peace as much as I have. Things won't ever be perfect and wrapped up in bows, but that's life.

But there are perfect moments, and that's what I think about when I imagine being tied to Edward forever, when we get married.

Thanks to Leah, and probably Jake and Ness, Sam backs down on his stance toward the Masen house. He knows it's useless to fight it, as we can do it if we want to, and he calls one evening to tell me himself. He doesn't exactly give me his blessing, but he reassures me that "the wolves will behave as long as we do". Whatever that means.

For obvious reasons, like anemic vampire-wolf relations, we don't do rehearsal dinners or anything. I'm determined to have my wedding the way we want it and how we want it, but that doesn't mean the Cullens have to be present anymore than is necessary. That would be uncomfortable for everybody involved. And as elegant as it's going to be, it'll be pretty simple, too.

Our families promise to be there as early in the morning as possible to set things up, and that's good enough. I can say with certainty that I'm not really that nervous. We've been through much worse.

The night before the wedding, Edward and I stay in his parent's home. It's the first time we've been back since he was staying there before, the nights he'd sneak across the darkness to watch over me in my bed. That seems like it was another lifetime ago, and in some ways, it was.

We spend the hours talking about the days that have led us to this, starting from the moment we first laid eyes on one another at that lounge. And we make love, knowing that by this time tomorrow night, we'll be en route to the rest of our lives.

* * *

_**so very sorry this took so long getting to you all.**_

_**i love this story, and it's important that it end properly, and not rushed. **_

_**also, besides kids and visiting friends and family reunions and trips, my witfit story, Brighter, admittedly takes up a lot of precious writing time.**_

_**that said, the next chapter will be out in a much more prompt manner.**_

_**lots of love. xoxo**_


	22. Peace

_**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**_

**_thanks. nic. je t'aime, je t'adore. i hope your sunburn is bettah. *kisses* (and aloe)_**

* * *

It's hard for me to sleep, so I don't. Instead, the words between Edward and I ebb and flow quietly until dawn breaks, gradually lightening Edward's old bedroom with an effulgent blue. It's soothing and gentle, but I'm so excited about what today means that I find myself growing fidgety. Unable to lie still any longer, I sit up, swinging my legs to the floor.

"Getting up?" Edward asks, his hand on my bare back.

"I feel like I should," I say, looking over my shoulder at him. "So much to do today."

He nods, running his hands through his hair. It's a human gesture I hope will never go away. It's so...him.

Rising, I find one of his t-shirts on the floor and slip it on along with a pair of underwear and sweats. It would be awkward, to say the least, for Alice or Renee or somebody to come early to help out and find me naked.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little, but not in a bad way," I admit, pausing near the door. "I've been waiting awhile for this."

He smiles, nodding. "Me too."

We gaze at one another in the dimness, allowing the gravity of what we'll do later on today, settle in. It's a welcome weight, one that grounds me. We've got this; we're on the same page. We're mated; marriage is an _of course,_ the period at the end of a sentence that's already been written.

There are other things to think about, like my imminent transformation, but all of that pales in comparison to my wedding. For now, it's just joy and excitement.

As I'd suspected, Alice is already en route; her phone call comes as I make my way to the kitchen. Not having eaten since last night, I'm suddenly ravenous. Edward and I grabbed a couple of things on our way in to Forks yesterday, like instant coffee and croissants for my breakfast, and I prepare them now.

In the quiet of the new day, I think about all the mornings Elizabeth Masen would have stood here, making breakfast for herself, and maybe her husband and son as well. How many mornings did she gaze out at the backyard, thinking over things that had to be done later on, or maybe remembering things from the day before? Maybe she enjoyed the early morning silence, the insulated feeling of a world not yet awake.

I'd like the home that Edward and I make for ourselves to feel something like this.

Edward joins me a moment later. He watches me watch stir my coffee and rip apart my croissant.

"You know, it's supposed to be bad luck for the bride and groom to see one another on their wedding day," I say, eyeing him over the top of my mug.

"Would you prefer if I left?" He leans against the counter, cocking his head and folding his arms, utterly sexy in his nonchalance.

"No."

"Didn't think so."

I smile, finishing my croissant and reaching for another.

"Anyway, that's superstition."

"Well, yeah. Obviously."

"So."

"So."

He laughs and comes closer, pulling me on to his lap. "_So_, it's bull. Make believe."

"As are vampires and werewolves, but we believe in them, don't we?"

His chuckle rumbles from his chest to mine. "Mm, touché."

Setting my croissant down, I twist and turn so that I'm facing him. "I wish we had time to..."

Knowing, he kisses me, hands settling on my hips. He licks his tongue in to my mouth and smacks his lips. "You taste like coffee."

"Seeing as I just had coffee, that's to be expected." I wish I could flick his ear or bite his nose, anything to be flirtatious and bratty, but I'd just hurt myself. I settle for sticking my tongue out.

He catches my tongue in his teeth, a gentle nip just hard enough to startle. I moan in surprise and pleasure, allowing him to suck it.

A series of knocks at the kitchen door interrupt our moment.

"Even if I wasn't here," Alice greets me as I open the door, "you two are getting married in a few hours. I think you can hold off a little longer." She steps inside, Jasper right behind. "Especially since you've been doing it all night."

"Ugh, not _all_ night!" I scoff. "And, jeez, Alice."

"Fine. For part of it."

"Is nothing sacred?" I ask, turning to hide my blush...and then realizing it's futile because they can all smell the blood rush anyway.

Edward catches my hand as I pass, and he uses it to draw me close. "This is sacred," he whispers, putting my hand over his heart.

* * *

In the end, Edward, Jasper, Carlisle and Charlie decide to help out in the yard while my mother, Rose and Esme help me inside. Alice flits back and fort like a pinball, dictating decorations outside when she's not inside with me, helping me dress.

My parents have never met the Cullens before, but I can tell they're charmed. Even Charlie, who has a sixth sense when it comes to anything shady or out of the ordinary, seems to like them.

It's hard not to. They might be supernatural, but in a way, they're superhuman, too, showcasing only the best of themselves. This is what I want Sam and the wolves to understand: regardless of what the Cullens are _capable_ of, it's how they _choose_ to live that determines who they are.

The hours pass quickly, and it's nice to realize I'm having more fun than I'd thought I would. My mother makes me a mimosa, and Rose takes pictures of everything, assuring me I'll be too excited later to recall half of what goes on. Outside, grey clouds play with sunshine, keeping us guessing as to how the day is going to go. I've got my fingers crossed for good weather – dry is good enough if it can't be bright – but it's hard to tell what we're going to get.

Soon it is time. In what was once Edward's parent's room, my mom finishes arranging my veil, a soft, delicate thing her mother handed down to her when she got married. I didn't even know she owned it, although, thinking back to the few snapshots I've seen of my parent's wedding, I can remember her wearing it. My dress is simple; ivory lace and satin. And while it's a contemporary style, it whispers of something older, hinting at the dresses so popular in the forties.

By the time our small gathering of guests has arrived, the setting sun has chased the clouds away. The light is deep and vivid, the air so still. In fact, it's downright humid; even the breeze has abated, as if the world is holding its breath for us.

Things speed up suddenly. I don't have time to freak out over how Alice has transformed the property, because Charlie is walking me down the aisle, holding on to me as tightly as I'm holding on to him. Flowers woven into a trellis stretch above the length of the aisle as well as the altar; only later will I realize it's to protect the Cullens from the sun and possible sparkling. This part of the Masen's yard is lush with trees, but there are bright spots, and the trellis is a perfect cover. There are more people than I anticipated, and their eyes are all on me. Jacob, Vanessa, Leah and Sue are the only Quileutes in attendance, and while I knew it would be this way, for a fleeting second the absence of the others hurts a little. Especially since I know that they're here anyway, watching from the bushes and tree line. But it's the smallest smudge on an otherwise dazzling day. I see a lot of love in the crowd, and half smiles, and definitely a few tears. My heart pounds, but it's a happy nervousness.

And then I am at the altar.

"Take care of her," my father says quietly, for Edward's ears only as he hands me over.

Edward smiles and nods. "I will."

I see the minister's mouth moving, but I don't really hear him. There's so much to see and feel I'm overwhelmed, and it's as if my ears have turned themselves down so I don't burn out like an overloaded fuse.

But then Edward's eyes are on me...well, they never left... but now he's _really_ focusing, the calm replaced by nervousness, something I don't see too often on him. Swallowing, he takes a step closer, holding both of my hands in his.

"I think I always knew it was different with you," he begins, eyes softening as we maintain eye contact. We wanted to do this off the cuff, for it to be straight from the heart, and I'm eager to hear from him. "Always. Even when things were brand new I had this feeling like...if I didn't tell you everything right away I might lose my chance. Or like you'd slip away. It didn't seem real that you felt the same way. And I always knew I wanted to share my life with you, be with you. But I didn't tell you how much I wanted that until it was almost too late, and we almost lost..." He closes his eyes briefly, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. My heart yearns for him. He opens his eyes again, imploring. "You let me go because you loved me, but you also stayed with me when I came back. No one else would've done that. No one else knows me the way you do, and because of that, no one else can love you the way I do." And besides the Cullens and the wolves, no one else understands just how true the statement is.

If he could cry, I have a feeling he'd be doing it now. I take a deep, shuddering breath, trying so hard not to lose it in front of everyone. We just spent an entire night uttering eternal vows, and now that the time has come to give the abridged version in front of God and family, I'm worried I won't be able to express what I feel. Edward's always been better at expressing himself, especially in public.

With a tiny, reassuring squeeze from Edward, I clear my throat.

"Some people believe in love at first sight, while others find the notion foolish, but I...I believed in it when I saw you. You fit in to my life so perfectly, you fit _me_so perfectly, that I could barely believe you existed. I wondered how life would've been different had I not come back to Forks, had I not found the other half to my soul. There is nothing, not one thing, that could keep me from your side. I love you, and I always will."

Words are so inadequate. Still, I see my mother, Sue, and several other guests of ours in the audience, wiping tears from their eyes.

After that things wrap up quickly. We repeat after the minister, and are then given permission to kiss as man and wife. We do, rather passionately, until Emmett catcalls and my father loudly clears his throat. All in all, the whole thing is over so quickly it almost feels anti-climactic. The reception, thankfully, lasts longer than the ceremony did. We dance and eat...well, _I _eat while Edward pretends to, and we never leave each other's sides. Pictures are taken, toasts are made. Leah catches my bouquet, and my heart aches in happiness. Edward manages a dance with Emily, and even Sue softens when she sees her youngest's child's feet atop my husband's as he waltzes her around the dance floor. Every time I look at Edward, the truth beats strong and true in my chest: he is mine forever, by God, man, and...vampire. I am his and he is mine.

I know a lot of people write marriage off as unnecessary or nothing more than a legal binding, but it's so much more for me. The funny thing is that I was never the little girl daydreaming about her one day Prince Charming and the wedding we'd have. I never fantasized like that and yet here I am, and it's magical.

Speaking of magical, it's easier to appreciate Alice's labor of love now that ceremony is past and we're relaxed. Who knew there were so many shades of white, and that it could look this good? Alice did, apparently. I keep gazing around, enchanted by it: the explosion of white roses and calla lilies, as far as they eye can see...the white fairy lights twinkling like little stars brought down from the sky. It's stunningly romantic.

Soon the day fades to the rosy blush of dusk, and our family and friends see us off.

It's not easy saying goodbye to Charlie. We decided from early on not to have a scene, but now that the moment has come, I cry a little for him, hoping he knows how deeply I love him, and how I appreciate what he's done for me. Renee catches me in a hug as I get in to the car. I'm dimly aware of Rose catching the moment on camera.

"Be safe, honey," she whispers, sniffling. "I love you...and I'm proud of you. For following your heart. Your instincts."

Her words hit hard, because she's got instincts of her own, and while it might be subconscious, she's reading more into my situation than she realizes. It's as if she truly _feels_ it, even if she'll never know it on a cognitive level.

Shaky voiced, I say, "I love you, too, mom."

I watch them in the rear view mirror as we drive away, growing smaller until they are dabs of color in the grey of twilight.

* * *

Edward was going to try to keep our honeymoon destination a secret, but he gave in and told me eventually: a small island off of the coast of Brazil. Carlisle and Esme actually own it, and they've kept it as a vacation spot for decades. Serene and secluded, it's perfect for us because of both the privacy and the abundance of wildlife for Edward.

I've never been outside of the U.S. If it feels like we're traveling forever, it's because we are. I lose track of the amount of times I doze off and wake up to Edward reading another book or doodling through the crossword in the back of the airline magazine.

Eventually, though, we arrive on Isle Esme. And it's so idyll, so unlike anything I've ever fathomed, that I'm already forgetting about the planes and boat we had to take to get here.

"You gonna buy me an island one day?" I tease, as Edward carries me over the threshold.

"Maybe," he chuckles, setting me gently down. "I'm going to go get the rest of our stuff."

He disappears, leaving me to wander the big, beautiful, open house on my own. There is a lot of wood, glass, and plants. White, billowy curtains, fresh flowers in nearly every room. It feels very organic, but not at the cost of elegant extravagance.

I find the master bedroom easily. The bathroom attached to it calls my name, and by the time Edward has come back inside, I'm taking a long, hot, needed shower.

"You're my wife," he murmurs, joining me in bed afterwards, his skin cold against my water-warmed body. "Finally..."

Rubbing my slippery hands over his muscles, I close my eyes. "You make it sound as if you were waiting forever."

"It felt like forever once I realized that's how long I'd be alive without you if you didn't choose me."

I blush, not in embarrassment or shyness, but extreme happiness. He knows me well, and he's got the best words. They're like food for my soul.

He settles over me, hips cradled between my thighs.

This is not our first time, but it feels different anyway. More meaningful than usual. We're consummating our _marriage_. A frisson of giddiness rises up within me and I inhale sharply, overwhelmed.

"I know," whispers Edward, smiling down at me in the soft light. He dips down to kiss me, and I accept him so easily, like he's an extension of myself. I know that, had he never been changed in to what he is now, we would still be married. It might have taken longer, and the circumstances would have been different, but this moment right here was destined.

One kiss becomes another, and then they are countless, like footsteps down a never ending beach.

When he pushes in to me, we stop, and settle, our lips just barely apart. He moves and kisses my neck and then we are set in motion, loving hard, like we want to climb in to one another. Like we want to get closer, closer.

"You're holding back," I whisper, feeling the tension in his muscles, the strain.

"No..."

"You are," I say. "I feel it."

"You don't want me to go full," he says, voice full of grit and dark intention. It quiets me, keeps me from insisting. I trust him, in all things.

He pushes me hard, and I come, clutching at his arms, his back...even his face. When he follows, he does it slowly, like he's drawing it out. It feels so good. I wish we didn't have to stop.

I almost ask him not to, but I sense he needs to regroup –mentally and emotionally.

Falling to my side, he runs his hand down my stomach, cupping me between my legs for just a second.

"What is it?" I ask, turning my head to look at him.

"I felt..." He frowns and shakes his head. "I wanted to possess you so deeply."

I blink, trying to understand. "Like..."

"Like I wanted to have you, take you, own you and drink you. Like for a moment, your blood called to me so strongly that I could hardly bare it. All that, and then the sense that I needed to change you now."

"But –"

"Now."

I bite my lip, watching, waiting. Listening. We're so close to my change. It could be a month away, or a moment.

"I felt like I was losing myself, and I knew if I let go and really pounded you the way we both wanted, the results could be fatal."

My stomach turns; I'm no longer in the mood for round two. I curl on to my side, facing the opposite wall, but he curves around me, sweeping my hair aside as he kisses my neck.

"Why do you think that happened?" I ask.

"I don't know. Maybe I need to go hunt."

"You should..."

He's silent for a beat, but eventually he agrees. I don't want him to go, but this is the nature of the beast. Denying Edward's hunger does nothing but make us both uncomfortable. It occurs to be that when this happens in the future, I'll be able to go with him, to engage in the hunt.

I watch him pull a pair of shorts on, arousal slowly building within me once again.

He's dangerous, it's true. But he's mine.

* * *

I serve myself scrambled eggs and buttered toast, stomach grumbling from our long night.

He hadn't stayed out hunting for long, and when he'd returned we'd both been ready to reconnect. Physically, and repeatedly.

Edward watches, wrinkling his nose. "I use to love scrambled eggs," he muses. "Especially omelets."

"I remember," I say, smiling. "With cheddar, and sauteed mushrooms, right?"

He nods, smiling ruefully. "Yeah. Oh well. It looks gross now."

"Gee, thanks," I say, carrying my plate to the kitchen table.

He follows me, pulling out the chair right beside me to sit down. "So we should talk about what happened last night."

"What, with the possession?"

"You make it sound like I needed to be exorcised," he snorts.

"You know what I mean," I laugh. "When you felt the need to _possess me_."

"Right."

I nod, taking a huge bite of toast.

"How would you feel about...changing here?"

Chewing slowly, I think about what he's saying. It changes things, knowing that if I want, I could leave this place completely transformed. The same Bella, but not.

Edward's been so patient with this situation, so it's new for him to make demands. It doesn't bother me – if I needed something I'd tell him, too – but it does add a hint of tension to our dynamic.

It's oddly welcome, like maybe I've needed direction. A push.

But it remains something to be discussed, so I think carefully before speaking.

"I don't know," I finally admit. "I feel like...I wanted that last bit of time with Charlie...and Leah..."

Nodding, he sits back in his chair. "I know. I...figured. It's just...this seems like a good opportunity. We aren't expected back in the states for awhile, and there are no other humans on the island. No one would hear you, or know, and you wouldn't hunt anybody down after the fact."

I shudder, barely able to imagine myself like that. Edward's right, though. This is a good a place as any.

Better than most, actually.

"I'll think about it," I say.

Our days are warm-forever-days, each one a a tiny adventure or retreat unto itself. I feel so alive here, which is ironic, seeing as I might die and be reborn here, too.

But it's difficult not to feel invigorated with colors as bright as these – flowers, fish, sunsets –and love as deep. Edward is free to show me what he can really do, unfettered by curious eyes and societal norms. I cling to his back as we race through the foliage and swim beneath the surface of the sea. We climb trees and jump from rocks in to waterfalls. He dazzles me in the sunlight, and the moonlight, as well.

"Remember the Blue Lagoon?" I ask Edward one day, while lolling about in the sand, my bikini top long since gone.

"That movie?"

"Yeah."

"I remember the second one. With Milla whatever her name is. She was _hot_." He grins roguishly at me.

"Yes, she was. I thought she was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen when I was little." I roll on to my stomach. "Still do, actually. Anyway, Isle Esme reminds me of that place."

He lays flat on his back, hands folded over his stomach. "I can see that. Tropical paradise, all alone. Lots of beach sex. They didn't have a house like ours, though."

"No, they didn't." I rise to my knees and go to him, stopping only to slide my leg over and straddle his body. He gazes up at me, eyes a honeyed gold from a morning hunt. "I love you."

He wraps his hands around my waist and pulls me down, kissing me as soon as we're close enough. "I love you, too."

* * *

A week later, I cut my finger while slicing mango for a fruit salad.

Edward is out when it happens, but he comes home soon after, nostrils flaring the second he sees me.

"What happened?" he asks. I recognize that voice; it's the one that means he's not breathing.

"I'm okay; I just cut myself a little. It's fine."

His shoulders sag, and he comes closer.

"Hey," I say, giving him a soft smile. "Is this going to...be a problem for you? You're not going to pull a Jasper on me, are you?"

"No." He frowns, shaking his head. "That was...a lack of control on his part. This is...another weird possession thing. Like I want to be yours and for you to be mine in _every_ way."

I nod, leaning against the counter. "I know. But...we're married now. We already are each other's. For most people that's enough, you know." I'm teasing, but I kind of mean it, too. It's almost like getting married has only reinforced his need to make me like him.

"For most people, yeah," he says. "But I'm not human."

And there it is.

Suddenly, I totally get how he feels. It's like the veil has been removed from my mind's eye, and the reality of things is clear as day. My being human is the last thing keeping us different, and it's so huge it might as well be a chasm. Ignoring it and putting it off doesn't make it go away. Knowing that the change is going to happen but then dancing around it almost makes it worse.

For anyone else, the wedding would have been complete at the altar. For us, there is one more step.

The pieces click in to place; any apprehension or lingering doubts disappear. Truly, a peace that passes all understanding; acceptance.

I welcome it...

because

I've spent my time well

I've lived fully

I've loved my family, and my friends, and I've done so without restraint

I've made peace with the human side I am abandoning

...and I'm ready.

"I'm gonna go call my parents," I say, touching my fingers to Edward's as I pass him by.

He's on the same page as me, apparently, because he says, "Do I need to call Carlisle, too? Just in case?"

"Yes."

"Bella." Edward stands beside me, sudden as wind.

"I'm ready." I touch his face, and nod. "It's time."

* * *

_**thank you for your love and patience. i'm blessed and grateful that you all have taken this trip with me. only a couple of chapters left.**_

_**xoxo**_


	23. Transform

_**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**_

_**thanks for being so patient while i took forever to get this to you. **_

_**much love to nicnic, my forever-beta and one of my my dearest, best friends. xo **_

* * *

Time seems to pass quickly now, as if my decision has somehow sped it up. There's a lot to be done now that we've come to this point, now that I've decided to close the door on my human life so that I can join Edward in immortality. It's been three days since Edward and I made that call to Carlisle, letting him know we were ready.

It's been two days since I spoke to my family back home: Charlie, Renee, Sue, Emily, Leah and Jacob. With the exception of my parents, no one was too surprised when I announced that Edward and I had decided to spontaneously extend our trip, that our passion for travel and discovery was taking precedent over coming home. The Quileute know, I think. They won't ask, and I won't affirm. But they know. I heard it in the sad lilt of Jake's voice, the breathlessness of Sue's. The resignation of Leah's.

It's been one day since the Cullens left the States and arrived in Brazil, where they're currently holed up in some gorgeous hotel until it's time for Carlisle to come to the island.

Initially, Edward and I wanted to do this by ourselves. Becoming like him by way of his bite seems intensely intimate, and not something I want to share with anyone, not even his adoptive father. It's not sexual, per se, but somehow it sort of feels like it. If Edward is going to bring me in to his world, then I want him to do be the one to hold my hand, literally and figuratively. But that's romanticizing it, and we can acknowledge that the success of my transformation depends on having a back up plan if necessary. There are too many variables, the largest being Edward's love of my blood. If it sings to him when it's coursing through my veins, beneath my skin, how much more will it affect him when he tastes it? I know it was difficult when he was exposed to it before, when we were attacked by the Volturi on our way home from Forks, but it was different then. The mood was different; the circumstances.

So Carlisle will be here. Not right in the house with us, but close by, in the empty maintenance cottage near the dock by the beach. He'll be in contact with Alice, who'll let him "see" what's going on... and once the bites been made, he'll check on us constantly.

Today I sit on the sand, letting it run through my fingers over and over. The tide creeps forward, recedes, creeps forward, recedes, wetting my toes. Slowly, slowly, the sun sinks over the horizon, like an overripe orange falling in slow motion. I watch it with a lump in my throat, knowing that while it might not be the last sunset I see, it'll be the last one I experience as a human. Edward says that my senses will be heightened, that despite being un-alive I'll feel more alive than ever, but that doesn't negate the affection I have for my humanity.

And yet, I'm not conflicted. Not anymore. I know what I need to do, have to do, want to do.

Edward's letting me have a little time to myself. He'll join me soon; he's probably had to keep himself from coming out a couple of times...but we both thought it would be good for me to sort of work through things on my own. And I have. I'm at complete peace with what's abut to happen. I understand now why Edward was always so careful with me before, why he tried so hard not to put us in dangerous positions. We wanted my change to be planned, and wanted, not the result of a slip up or overindulgence gone wrong.

It feels more special this way, like I'm crossing my 't's and dotting my 'i's.

Edward appears at my side right as the sun disappears, leaving the ocean and sky aglow. He says nothing, just sits beside me and digs his toes in to the wet sand.

"It's still warm," he murmurs, sounding a little surprised.

"Well, it was a hot day," I say. "It'll probably take a while for things to cool down."

He nods, leaning back on his elbows, apparently not caring he'll be covered in sand. "Hottest days of my life were the ones spent in the Amazon."

"Is it kind of weird? Being so close to it again?"

Pausing, he stares out at the water. "Not...really. It feels different here. In every way. Sometimes that seems almost like a … not quite a dream, but like it happened to someone else."

Nodding, I reach over to touch his hand, tracing sandy trails over his smooth, cold skin. In some ways what happened to him as a human did happen to someone else. He's told me before that his human memories have already started to fade, and so much has happened since then anyway.

Sometimes I jot down my thoughts in a journal that my Mom sent me before the wedding. I write about my thoughts and concerns for my future, my endless, eternal future – the things I don't want to forget about from my human days. I describe how I perceive things now, and what memories I love the most. It's not much, but it's something. My hope is that it'll jog my memory down the line when I crave a good reminiscing.

We sit in comfortable silence, soaking in the last of the day's heat. Night starts to fall, turning the orange sky indigo, stars sparking quietly. It's beautiful here, and sometimes I wish we didn't have to leave.

I suppose at some point, enough time will have gone by that everyone I know now will have passed on. There won't be an appearance to keep up, per se, and if I want to return to this island for an indefinite amount of time, we'll be able to. The thought both comforts and scares me. Eternity is hard to wrap my mind around.

My stomach growls softly, reminding me that it's been hours since lunch. I think longingly of the fresh mango and papaya sitting in the counter, waiting for me.

"Ready to go in?" Edward asks, flipping his hand so that it holds mine.

"Not yet," I whisper, lying back. I tug him closer so that he's over me, and I kiss him.

"Love me right here," I say.

And he does.

* * *

In the morning I eat as much mango as I can while Carlisle and Edward talk quietly in the bedroom. It's quite possibly the best mango I have ever tasted, lush in taste and color. The sweetness had never been this sweet. It never will be again, either.

Eventually Edward emerges with Carlisle. Rising, I bring my plate to the sink, and then rinse my hands and face.

"So...I guess this is it," I say. Initially the discussion of my own death...and re-birth...seemed strange and surreal to me, but like anything, I've become inured to it.

"This is it," Carlisle says, smiling. "I'll be honest, it's a little odd to be doing this in such a calculated manner. Every other member of my family has been changed to save them from dying, but you...this is your _choice_." He glances at Edward. "And Edward's. I'm glad you're able to do it on your own terms."

I nod, smiling a little. "Me too."

"All right, then." He nods decisively. "I'll be close, you know that. Just...be careful. We love you, Bella, and...we'll see you on the other side."

Surprised and touched by his words, I swallow back the lump in my throat as he envelopes me in a hug before leaving. Edward takes my hand and leads me back to our room.

I sit on the edge of the bed, my heart fluttering wildly, like a trapped bird. "So...how exactly should we do this?"

He sits beside me, pushing his hand through his hair. "I've been thinking about it...I think maybe...we should just..." But he stops talking as suddenly as he began, pushing me gently on to my back. I bring my legs up off the floor so that I'm lying straight, and then Edward kisses me and kisses me, so deeply, so passionately.

The physical side of our relationship has always been measured, exacted...even when it felt as though he was letting go, he was holding back. Even when the sex was rough, it was still somewhat careful. Edward's kisses, too. We've always been conscientious.

But not now. I can feel the difference. My pulse quickens; I feel it, he feels it. His tongue dances against mine, searching, yearning, and I struggle to keep up. It creeps slowly, like fog rolling in: the succumbing swoon of his venom. The blackness blurs the edges at first, but quickly intensifies, pushing me under. I haven't passed out from Edward's venom since the very beginning of our relationship, when we were still getting used to our boundaries, when I'd had very little exposure to it. It takes me much longer to faint these days, but I do now.

Just as I tip off the edge, I feel his teeth sink in to me.

Relief. Deep, pure relief so overwhelming it feels like coming. There is no more fear of the unknown because we've plunged headfirst in: the thing we've been afraid of has been done. We've met the monster head on, on our own terms. I slip further and further away, lost in a sea of nothingness.

And then, it shifts in to the sharpest pain I've ever felt.

* * *

Three days.

Three.

I'm not alive; I'm not dead. I'm inhuman. I'm walking through forests on fire, never dying, only living. Living enough to die over and over. I've lost my mind.

And everything else.

Edward, Alice and Carlisle had all prepped me on what to expect, but I suppose it's like trying to explain childbirth. Or an orgasm. Or the way your stomach feels when you ride a roller-coaster's drop. Words are never sufficient substitutes for experience.

They certainly never prepared me for this. The good thing is that I know, somewhere within the burning agony, that it will end. Although, if I'm honest, every part of me screams to die. I don't know if I'm screaming out loud or if it's all in my head, but I would welcome death with open arms right now if it came. Anything to make it stop.

Not even the sense of Edward fully comforts me. I feel alone in my suffering.

At some point the torment begins to recede, gradually leaving my extremities as it draws inward, seeming to focus on my heart. The slight ease of pressure clears my mind just enough for me to remember Edward saying it would happen like this, that it meant the change was nearly complete.

It pulls in to itself until it is just my heart, beater harder and heavier than it has ever, ever beaten; of this I'm sure. I imagine that this is what it must feel like to have a heart attack, the breathless squeezing, the onslaught of centralized pain. It's like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

My heart beat slows until it stops. I'm raw in the absence of pain, silver purified by fire.

For the longest moment I lie completely still, my eyes closed. Beneath me, the bed I found so comfortable before feels vaguely lumpy, like the tiniest of flaws have become massive. I'm not hot, or cold, but completely comfortable. The soft rush of water over rocks and sand echoes clearly and close-by, even though I know, logically, the beach isn't close enough for me to heart it so clearly. But then I remember who I am, what I am, and it's perfectly close enough for me to hear. Now.

I'm so focused on the way I feel and the sound of things that I forget about seeing. It's not until I realize I'm not breathing that I open them, and when I do, I see Edward, watching me.

He can't cry, but I think if he could, he would now. His mouth shapes my name, and I sit up, reaching for him.

"I thought maybe...I'd lost you," he whispers. I hear him clearly though, as loudly as the wind ripping through a thousand stalks of wheat. Everything is vivid now: sight, sound, touch. I glance around the room, entranced by the crystalline sparkle of dust motes, floating through the air like tiny stars. It's like I've put glasses on; how bad was my eyesight before?

"Bella," says Edward, squeezing my hand.

My eyes fly to his. He's concerned, maybe even a little panicky.

I squeeze his hand back, pulling him close. He stumbles on to me, barely catching himself by bracing against the headboard.

"Take it easy," he chuckles. "You're a lot stronger than me right now."

"I am?"

He nods, easing to my side, still holding my hand. "Newborns always are."

"Huh." I nod, wrapping my mind around the idea of being stronger than Edward. Before he can say anything else, I flip him on to his back and climb astride, thoroughly enjoying the expression on his face...and the stiffening in his pants.

We gaze at one another, eyes searching, hands held. It's overwhelming, the love I feel for him. I'm full to bursting, unsure of how to handle this rush on emotion. I might not have a physical, beating heart anymore, but it's like I've traded it in for something twice as feeling. Thoughts, feelings, both physical and emotional, race through my mind, somehow clear and on track, like an underground network of subways running quickly and efficiently, in tandem but never hitting.

I see everything about Edward I couldn't see before. His flawlessness is breathtaking, and for a moment, I actually want to cry. But I can't. So instead I lower down to kiss him, tasting him like he's brand new. And he is. Or actually, I am.

I am brand new. The concept scares and exhilarates me. There's no turning back now. I tilt my face so I can take my kiss deeper, grinding against Edward's jeans when his hands tickle down my back to my behind. I'm not wearing the shorts and t-shirt I was when he bit me.

"What is this?" I ask between kisses, tugging on my shirt. Besides it and a pair of underwear, I'm nearly naked.

"I thought it would be more comfortable," he says, hands steadying my hips. "Bella, Carlisle's right outside...he's been coming to check on you..."

I silence him with my tongue, ridiculously turned on by the whole experience. My throat burns like hell –literally – but I know from what he's told me that it's the need to hunt. And I will.

But my first prey has already been caught and subdued, and he's trapped beneath me now, trying rather pathetically to fight his arousal. It's not working.

"Bella," he groans, half heartedly grabbing at my hands as I unbutton his jeans.

"I don't care," I cry, ripping his stupid pants off. Like, I literally _rip them off_. I would laugh if I wasn't so fervently horny. "I don't..."

He feels so good when I get him inside that I want to cry, and I would if I could.

Edward sits up, fully in to it now, in to _me_, his arms wrapped around me as he bucks up, filling me as deeply as he can. Our kisses turn ferocious, and he pushes me back so that he's on top, driving in to me with a strength I'd only ever seen him hint at before.

His kisses are bites, nips and licks against my tongue and mouth.

"You've..." I sigh as it hits a good spot, cry out. "You've been holding out on me."

He grins, biting his lip.

And then he bites mine.

* * *

It's night time when we emerge. Carlisle meets us at the treeline, smiling serenely at me.

Suddenly I'm a little mortified. I know he knows what we just spent the last couple of hours doing, and now that my...frankly uncharacteristic sex haze has lifted, I feel weird.

But he's the discreet type, so all he says is, "How're you feeling, Bella?"

"Okay," I say, nodding, swallowing. I can't stop swallowing; it's an involuntary, albeit pointless, attempt to quell the burning. "Thirsty. Hungry."

"I know. We usually hunt right away."

Edward hurries to fill the would-be silence before it grows awkward with implications. "I'm taking her now. You coming, Carlisle?"

"No, that's all right. You two go ahead." Carlisle smiles, nodding toward the dock, where a small speedboat awaits. "My work here is done; I'll bring everyone over tomorrow, if that's okay."

Edward nods, looking at me. "You up for visitors?"

"You mean your family?" I clarify. "Of course. Yes."

"They're your family now, too," he says, pulling me closer.

"I know," I say quietly. He's right. The Cullens became my family when I married Edward, but now that I've become like them, the adoption feels complete. It's weird to think of it that way, but it feels the most appropriate.

Carlisle leaves for the mainland while we disappear in to the dense, lush overgrowth surrounding the island. I know I can run fast now, but I find myself going slow, entranced by my surroundings, cataloging the scents and sights with new senses. The underbrush and trees are thriving, quivering with life. All sorts of animals, from iguanas to wild boars, dwell here, and after watching Edward take down a couple, I follow suit. It doesn't taste anything like what I'd imagined; in fact...it reminds me of chewing on grass.

Edward laughs at my wrinkled nose. "I know, I know. You'll get used to it, though."

"It's just so..."

"Earthy?"

"Yeah."

"I know." He shrugs. "Jasper says human blood tastes way better, but...that's not an option for us." He falters a little bit, turning away, and it hits me that now he actually _has_ tasted human blood: mine. Out of habit, I begin to feel nervous, but then I remember that we are no longer at the mercy of our differences.

"What was it like?" I ask, going to him.

We walk along for a moment. He lifts a branch so that I can walk beneath it, and then says, "like nothing you can imagine."

"Was it..." I swallow back the burn. "Hard to stop?"

"Yes." He frowns, closing his eyes. "But then you cried and...I remembered."

I wrap my arms around him, holding him close, letting hm work through the memory of it. It's weird, because while I was there, I wasn't really, and I don't remember it the way he does. "Thank you," I whisper.

Kissing the top of my head, he sighs and steps back. "So...yeah. No humans."

"Obviously," I sigh, tossing aside a drained mongoose and peering down at myself. I'm covered in blood. It's disgusting. Edward's completely clean, making me feel like a little kid covered in ice cream. "Well, which animal is your favorite?"

"Eh, none of this stuff," he says, shaking his head. "I like mountain lions...from back home."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Emmett's favorite is bear."

"Not surprising, somehow."

"I know." Edward chuckles. "We all have our favorites; you'll find something you like."

"I trust you."

"You had enough yet?" he asks, bending to rinse his hands in a tiny stream glistening in the moonlight.

"Not really. Does this feeling ever fully go away?"

He looks up at me, and even in the near-darkness, I can see the apology on his face. "Never. You get used to it, though."

"Okay."

"It sucks. I know."

And it really does. All I can do is take each day as it comes, and acclimate the best I can. If Edward says the lingering burn will become something I'm used to, then I trust him.

"Let's go back," I say, quickly washing my hands. "I'll race you."

"Oh yeah?" He laughs.

I take off like a rocket, squealing when he gives chase, crashing lightly through the forest, right on my heels. Again, I'm blown away at how heightened my every sense is. It's as if I have night vision; I can see everything so clearly...the leaves as I pass take shape.. the veins running over them. I can detect their very shade of green, and I can smell each one as I pass it. Edward almost catches me; I feel the brush of his hand near the small of my back, and I speed up, dodging trees, bushes and even animals until I burst out on to the beach.

The ocean sparkles invitingly and without thought I peel my clothes off and dive in. I'm reminded of how this very water looked and felt just three moons ago, when I was human.

_When I was human_.

Images of my parents and the people I love flicker through my brain, and I wonder what they're doing. How they're doing. _When will I see them again? Will I?_

But then I freeze, transfixed by the beauty of everything I see in this instant. It's overwhelming.

Edward picks me up and wraps my arms and legs around his body, kissing my neck and my chest.

"You have always been beautiful, Bella," he says. We're the same temperature now, so he feels warm. It reminds me of when we were both human, and I close my eyes, resting my cheek on the top of his head. "But you...you should see yourself now."

I open my eyes and slide down, so that we're level. In the excitement, lust and hunger, I'd genuinely forgotten about my physical appearance. Funny, seeing as I was a little obsessed with this very thing before I became a vampire. I didn't talk to Edward all that much about it, because it felt vain, but boy did I consider it.

My phantom heart leaps. Perhaps I truly am my love's equal now, in every way.

"You've always been my equal," he says, clutching me.

"Can...can you read my mind?" I whisper, holding myself away so that I can look in to his eyes.

"Did...did you not just say that out loud? About being equal?"

I shake my head, a little nervous. The fact Edward can't read my mind always seemed like a blessing for the both of us. I don't want that dynamic to change, and even though he's been frustrated by it at times, he's admitted that he feels the same.

"Can you hear me now?" I ask.

He shakes his head.

"Oh." I frown, confused. "Maybe if I..." I draw closer and hold him a certain way, trying to recreate how we were positioned a moment before. _I love you_, I think. _I love you more every day_.

A slow smile spills across his face. "I love you, too."

"How can you hear me? Is it when we're touching?"

"I think, maybe, it's when you're open to me. Maybe."

"I was open to you earlier..."

"Yeah, but you were like...blindsided by sex. This is different."

"I guess it is," I admit. This moment, here in the water, is the most intimate one we've shared since I woke up. "I like that I can speak to you this way when I want."

"I do too," he says, touching my cheek. "I like that you can control it."

We kiss, slowly, letting it ebb and flow until the wanting is too great, and then he pushes in to me, joining our bodies. It's slow, and then it's fast.

"It's almost as bad as the thirst," I groan, my arousal barely slaked after an orgasm. "It never goes away..."

"I know," he grunts, moving me over him. He releases with a quiet moan, his mouth over mine. We stay connected, rocking as the waves jostle us. "Remember? What I told you a long, long time ago? How I could keep going?"

I smile, nodding. "Yeah."

"I can. You can. Indefinitely."

Little comments that Rose and Alice made to me in passing come to mind. I understand now, and if I could blush, I would.

"So we could make love for days..."

"Well...we don't exactly need to sleep, so yeah."

"This is what Emmett and Rosalie do," I muse. "No wonder they're so happy all the time. And Alice and Jasper...And –"

"I think you might've found a way to turn it off. Thanks for that," he snorts, pulling out.

Giggling quietly, I splash his face. "Sorry."

"I bet you are." he splashes back, and we goof off for awhile, playing in the water like little kids.

Eventually we leave the water and sprawl out on the sand. It's comfortable. I'll never be cold again, never have to worry about protection; we abide on the top of the food chain, and no animal would dare mess with us.

The night sky wanders slowly by, and we watch it until dawn breaks, talking quietly. I understand now, in my heart of hearts, what he meant before about possessing me, and why he was so desperate for us to be the same. Truly, he is my mate now.

And every time I think I couldn't possibly feel closer, more attuned to Edward, we share something new and I do.

* * *

_**i'm thinking just one chapter left.**_

_**thank you, all, for sticking with me. for reviewing, or tweeting, or face booking, or dm-ing. much love and many thanks. *confetti* *marshmallows 'round the campfire* *fireworks* *sparklers***_


	24. Rebirth

_**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**_

_special thanks to my beta and close friend Nic. She's been working with me since my very first oneshot, and I love her like __whoa. Peanut butter & jelly, here, ok?_

* * *

We have been on Isle Esme for three months now, and the thought of returning to civilization ignites a fear so deep in me I can scarcely move. Though my body has adjusted some, my control is still questionable. I'm still volatile and unpredictable; running more on primal instinct than cognition. It makes me feel a little more like an animal than a human.

Of course, though, I'm neither. Mentally and physically I'm light years beyond – it's my emotions and physical needs I'm having a hard time reigning in.

One thing is certain: I see Edward through different eyes now. Physically, because I'm a vampire like him, but also metaphorically. I see his first months, when he first came back to me, differently now. His self control, his ability to keep me safe during that time are both a marvel and an inspiration. Because of his example, there is no reason I can't succeed at abstaining...no matter how mouth watering human blood smells.

I've only scented it once, when a boat from the mainland passed, en route to a neighboring island. Edward and I had been walking around the south bend of the island, talking quietly, when the smell hit me so hard I stopped moving, stunned. Edward had very carefully pinned me to a tree, whispering nonsense to keep my attention on him, but it had been difficult. Before that moment, anything I knew about bloodlust was secondhand, almost mythical. Actually smelling it with my own nose, my whole body, changed everything, bringing the seriousness of my situation in to sharp relief. It hadn't happened before and hasn't happened since; the closest islands really aren't _that_ close at all – Edward said that they were probably just off course a bit. By the time the boat's engine had receded into a distant whine, he'd moved on to something else, a new topic – anything to sway my focus. He's good at that.

I'd worried that the urge to hunt humans might come at the cost of losing my own humanity; how could it not? But now that I'm here, it's surprisingly easy to compartmentalize things. It's as if I have a disease or condition, and it's up to me as to how I'm going to allow it to affect my life. Being a vampire doesn't mean that I am any less a human than I was before. The same way I viewed Edward and the Cullens as superhumans that chose to give back instead of take...I can be this way too. It'll take time, but I'll get there. It's my destiny.

As for hunting animals, I find that I _enjoy_ it. There's something deeply gratifying about the ritual of it: the scent, the run, the hunt, the kill. I can't deny this aspect of myself, nor do I want to. It's something I enjoy doing on my own, but especially with Edward at my side. As for what we often do after the hunt, spread on the grass or tangled in the brush...that's gratifying all on its own, too.

Sprawled on the forest floor, we gaze up at the canopy of trees, mesmerized by the alternating shift of shadow and light. Every level of this island, from the obvious down to the tiny, is heaving with life. Dragonflies, butterflies, birds and mosquitoes hum and shimmer in the air, making it come alive. All around, things scuffle and scurry, filling my ears with a cacophony that only now is manageable. In the very beginning I became overwhelmed easily by the onslaught of sound, but now it's kind of beautiful. I feel like I'm living in a National Geographic spread.

"I feel like Eve," I say, rolling to the side and propping myself up on my elbow.

"You look like Eve," he responds, eyes flickering over my nearly bare body. There's little need for clothing out here, seeing we're the island's only two inhabitants.

"How do you know what she would've looked like?"

"I don't. But I imagine it would've been like you." He reaches out to touch my hair, which I'd allowed to grow out even before my transformation. Its length can never be altered now, but it became a lot more lustrous and full upon changing.

"Then I guess that makes you Adam," I say, resting a hand on his stomach.

He snorts, squinting at me. "So is this the Garden of Eden?"

"It feels like it," I say, sitting up. Leaves fall from my hair, reminding me of how long we've been here, relaxing in the dappled sunlight. "Sometimes I wish we could just stay forever."

"I know...but we have to go back eventually. You have to...get used to the real world."

Nodding, I stand up and brush myself off. He's right, of course. As tempting as it is to remain in this idyllic setting, it's just not realistic. Nor could I ask Edward to do that. Not only does he survive living a "normal" life, he thrives – and I can, too. Besides, the Cullens miss us. For the first few weeks they came to visit all the time, but eventually they went back to the States.

I miss all of them, but especially Alice and Jasper. As much as Edward gets me, there's nothing like a little girl time. Even before my change, she was well on her way to becoming one of my very best friends, so her absence is felt, even though we stay in touch electronically.

Edward falls in to step with me, his hand brushing mine before our fingers interlock. Truly, it feels as though we are the only people on earth – either the first, like Adam and Eve, or maybe the very last. Up ahead, the bright white sand gives way to a ribbon of blue. The water has been incredibly calm lately, evidence of a storm way out at sea. According to weather reports, it should hit later on tonight.

The rainstorms here, often little more than erratic sun showers, are nothing like the days-long mini monsoons back in Forks. Here it's all hot humidity and rainbows, the occasional electric storm playing out over the horizon.

Tonight's storm will be more severe than that, but it's nothing to worry about. Even if Edward and I weren't indestructible, the house practically is. We'll likely pass the time doing what we normally do: playing chess, reading, or making love.

I step in to the water, sighing at the serene loveliness of it. As vividly lovely as it is here, I have to admit I miss home. It tugs at my heart, even as I wish we could stay here. The ambivalence is is weird place to be, mentally.

"Are you happy?" Edward whispers, drawing his hand over the surface of the water. "Do you ever wish you'd...done it differently?"

"No," I say without hesitation. "I mean, yes – I am happy. And no, I wouldn't change a thing." I blink up at him, undercurrents of seemingly ceaseless joy eddying through my vacant veins. Maybe it isn't healthy for one's happiness to be so caught up in another, but I've long let go of trying to rein it in or figure it out.

After all, nothing about us is typical or normal.

I wade closer to him and reach out, touching his warm skin. He smiles, eyes traveling over me as he hoists me up and wraps me around himself, lining our bodies up, chest to chest.

"I could stay just like this forever," I murmur.

"Me too," he says.

* * *

In a moment of inspiration, or perhaps as a result of Alice's foresight, Carlisle charters a couple of private jets to transport Edward and me from Isle Esme to Alaska. The scent of people all around on the mainland, their blood and sweat, as well as a host of other things (who'd have thought tears had a scent?) grow stronger the closer we come. By the time Edward eases the boat into its place at the marina, I'm drooling venom.

Instead of coddling me, though, Edward casts a rather icy look my way. It's an act, and we both know. Still, it's the only way we'll get through this.

"Get a grip, love. We've worked way too hard and there's too much at stake."

"I know." I nod hurriedly.

"Stop breathing."

"Okay."

Seeing as oxygen is inconsequential, holding my breath isn't all that bad. Being cut off from my sense of smell is disconcerting, but soothing as well. I follow Edward on to a cab and then into the throng of people at the airport, all the while reciting songs, poems, facts and figures – a trick Alice taught me. She uses it to keep Edward out of her mind, but I'm finding it helpful to keep my attention off of the scores of potential victims pressing in on all sides. I make it in to a game in my head, even though it's anything but.

"Doing okay," Edward says, squeezing my hand. We make it to the gate where our pilot waits just for us. For obvious reasons we chose against having a flight attendant, as well. It'll be just us three all the way to Miami.

Chicago.

Seattle.

Alaska.

Home.

* * *

"Thanks," I whisper the second we step off of the seaplane. Thorne Bay is just as I remember, perhaps a little more vivid than human memory allowed. The colors here are subtler, but I see them better now.

"For what?" He squeezes my hand, and I know he knows what I mean.

"For the tough love earlier. I needed that."

"Well, it was either that or bloodshed," he jokes.

We're lighthearted about it now, but things could have gone way differently today. Way worse. The flights weren't easy, having a living, breathing human male within reach for hours at a time, but with Edward's constant conversation and my ability to not breathe, I managed. There really wasn't any other choice.

"Carlisle did it for me." He shrugs, as if it's no big deal.

It is, though. Huge. Perhaps the first of many such tests. "Still."

Our travel arrangements were a little last minute, and as a result, no one could come pick us up. Not like it matters; Thorne Bay is tiny and easily navigated. We simply call a local cab service and have them bring us to the Cullen's home on the outskirts of town.

As we lug our bags up the driveway, I notice that Edward can't stop smiling.

I suspect he's happier to be back, around his family, then he'd been letting on back in Brazil, but now I'm wondering if something's up. I almost ask him, but the moment we walk through the door there's an explosion of sound and color, cheering and music and...confetti?

"Alice got a little carried away," Jasper says at our expressions, shrugging sheepishly.

"Welcome home," Esme says, kissing each of us before everyone else descends with hugs – Alice, Carlisle, Rose, and Emmett. Even the Denali clan is here to welcome us home: Tanya, Irina and Kate. Another pair of vampires I'm not familiar with linger nearby, smiling politely as we reunite.

"Did you know about this?" I ask Edward as I'm released from another hug. Everyone else is talking at once, taking our bags and asking questions.

"Not until I got close enough to hear," he says, tapping his forehead.

Tanya appears in front of me, smiling graciously. "Now you're _truly_ a member of the family, Bella. Welcome back."

I'd have thought that getting married to Edward would have made me a "true member" of the family, but I know that's just petty, so I just smile back. "Thanks, Tanya."

"Are you surprised?" Alice asks a little later, cornering me in the kitchen. It's odd to be in here without eating a plethora of food. Memories of Esme's extravagant breakfasts flit through my mind, filling me with an unexpected surge of nostalgic longing.

"About the party? Of course," I laugh, resting me cheek on her head. "I did wonder why you guys weren't meeting us at the airport, but Carlisle told us something about work..."

"As if," she snorts. "Nothing's more important than this family being reunited."

Regret prickles through me. "Sorry...for keeping away for so long."

"Hey, it's okay. We do what we have to do." She sighs, looking around. "It's not the first time we've been apart and it won't be the last."

The vampire pair I don't know come in with Esme, who introduces them as Eleazar and Carmen. Like Carlisle and Esme, they play parents to the Denali girls, rounding out their coven. It's an interesting dynamic, but not unlike ours. They're friendly and open-seeming, apparently having been close friends of the Cullens for years.

Edward walks in, laughing with Emmett. Seeing him happy like this...few things compare. Like his happiness is mine. Our eyes meet, and his expression shifts into something a little darker, a little more needful. It's been a long day, after all. A trying one, full of restraint.

"Are you hungry?" he asks. "Do you want to hunt?"

I'm at his side before he's even finished asking. "Yes."

Outside, the night air is crisp and clear. The sky glimmers darkly with stars, and my new eyes can pick out constellations with ease. Even the subtle color differences among the stars are apparent: Rigel, blue. Betelgeuse, red.

Edward sets in to an easy run and I follow at his side, my eyes drawn over and over to the sky, and how pretty it is tonight. Again, I'm struck by how different a beauty this is from Isle Esme. The trees and landscape, the smell. There are less clouds here. It's less humid.

My attention is redirected to the hunt when Edward slows slightly, reaching his hand back to me. He stops, then, and turns to me, his eyes glowing in the milky moonlight. I search his face, watching for signals and clues, but then I hear it myself: twin heartbeats, thumping wetly not far from where we stand. As I shift toward the sound, several others join the first two.

"A herd?" I whisper, nearly soundlessly. "Of..."

"Elk or caribou, probably," he mouths. "Or even..." He pauses, eyes closed. "Arctic foxes."

Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom comes to mind and I choke back a giggle, but he hears me anyway. His eyes pop open, and he grins. "Sitka deer, maybe?"

"Are you serious right now?" I ask.

Nodding, he takes my hand. "Actually, I am. Come on. I'm starved."

We resume jogging soundlessly thorough the light brush, coming into an open expanse of tall grass swaying delicately in the dark. Four shadows linger a couple of feet away. I don't even know what they are, but Edward sure does, if his Alaskan animal rundown was any indication.

"Caribou," he whispers suddenly, as if he's listening to my thoughts.

Before I can respond, he's taking one down. I'm right on his tail, grasping for the next one nearest me, sliding my arms around its neck. Any remorse I might normally feel for ending this beautiful creature's life is enormously overshadowed by my thirst, and I sink my teeth desperately into its neck, grateful.

The part of me that has grown to recognize the essentiality of the hunt, and how satisfying it is, accepts this for what it is.

Once my kill has been drained, I pause with it still in my arms. Whispering my thanks as I stand, I look across the clearing to where Edward stands, two fallen caribou at his feet. We meet in the middle, hands and mouths stained red.

We would have survived as a human couple.

We would have survived as a human and vampire couple.

But we thrive, absolutely, as vampire mates. Every day sharpens my understanding. I think about the times he was so careful with me as a human, during sex or if I cut myself shaving. Times he heard people's thoughts about me, especially males whose thoughts were less than honorable. The nights he watched me eat, or came home late to find me already asleep because _he'd_ been out eating.

There was always this disconnect between us, simply because we were so different. It wasn't all bad, but it wasn't giving our relationship the chance to reach its true potential. When I see how Edward and I share each other's lives _now_, I know that this was the only path for me to take.

Wisps of cloud pass over the moon, momentarily dimming Edward's face. I can still see him perfectly well, though, and I press my lips to his.

When we kiss, I barely taste the blood.

* * *

The sun comes up, somewhere over the mountains.

Our windows have been open since last night, when we were stargazing from the comfort of our room. Morning light washes over us, transforming our skin in to dazzling little universes. We still relax in bed at night, spending hours resting and talking, touching and connecting. It's as close to sleep as I can get. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the reprieve of actual slumber, but this is the next best thing. Edward and I began this little tradition on Isle Esme, and we'll probably continue it. It brings normalcy to a world I'm still getting used to, and it's a good way to separate the days.

Emmett teased us the first night we were home, saying we were playing human, but he gets it.

Today we move in to our home, the one we purchased before the wedding. It's kind of a big deal, because it's all ours.

...And because my parents are coming to visit. Charlie and Renee, that is. Sue, not surprisingly, "can't make it, and she won't allow Emily to miss school. I don't blame her, and it's to be expected. She seems to have accepted things, even if she continues to keep her distance. We communicate now and then via email, sharing pictures, and it's good. More than I'd hoped for. So Charlie's flying up solo.

I speak to Jake sometimes, and to Leah more than I thought I would. Communication is starting to peter out in a natural way, though, the way it does between friends whose lives diverge over time.

Meanwhile, Phil is preoccupied with training, so when my mother heard Charlie was coming, she jumped at the chance to "check the new place out". At first, Edward and I weren't sure that having them come was such a good idea, but it's soon enough that we can downplay my physical appearance. After this, my lack of aging will be too obvious and then it really will be goodbye.

The plan for next summer is to "join Edward on a medical trip" that we will never return from. Breaking my parent's hearts by making them think I died hurts, but it's what I chose the moment I decided to be like Edward. Really, it's simply the final step in a plan that was set in motion a long time ago.

Edward runs his hand through my hair. He's been doing it for awhile, seemingly lost in thought.

"Remember the first time we kissed?" I ask, turning to stare at his lips.

He makes a soft chuffing nose. "Of course."

"I think about it sometimes," I say, kissing him.

His hand falters, and then he resumes stroking my hair.

"I was so nervous," he admits.

"Me too."

"I almost didn't..."

"I know. I think I made a move first," I laugh quietly.

"You did. I think I caught up pretty quickly though."

"You sure did," I say, giving him another kiss.

We roll around for awhile, trying to behave. After having months of unfettered freedom and privacy on the island, we're spoiled. It's weird having so many ears close-by. This is another reason we're moving sooner rather than later. Esme had wanted me to help her design it, but I'd assured her that I trusted her judgment. I could always switch up what I didn't like later; right now, all I want is a place to be with Edward. Alone.

But not too alone. The Cullens will never be more than a five minute run away. Maybe ten if we're driving.

"I know...I can't wait to be alone either," breathes Edward. I can hear him smiling as he says it, and I know it's because he loves when he can hear my thoughts. It happens usually when we're being intimate this way, close both emotionally and physically. I can control it, but it slips sometimes.

"Look at you, snooping around my thoughts," I tease, hooking a leg over his hip.

"You love me." He leans down, biting my nose playfully. "You do it for me."

Closing my eyes I see him the way I did way back, the first time our eyes met in that crowded bar. Wondering what he thought about me on our first date. Missing him when he left, and welcoming him home when he returned.

"Yes," I say, unbearably glad. "I do it for you."

* * *

**_end_**

* * *

_special thanks to all of you for sticking with me, for spending your time reading this and reviewing. this was probably the hardest story for me to write and complete, simply because the subject matter was more challenging for me. props to the writers who do AU and canon and do it well - you guys ROCK._

_much love_

_xoxo_


End file.
